Okay, so I rewrote this twice cause I lost some of it when it didn't save. I was initially going to do this as a separate drabble of Goren and his mother but decided it fit here well and gave us a deeper look of what he was dealing with in the last chapter. I may come back and edit but for now here is is.

Not Beta'd


He thought of the last time he felt this way.

"Mr. Goren I'm sorry visiting hours...i mean ..it's time," the nurse called out through a slim opening in the doorway. She didn't want to disturb him but they needed the turn the room.

"I know. I just like to stay here a little while."

His face was blank but he was feeling everything all once coursing through his inert body. Internally, he was screaming, smashing everything, falling and crying but externally, he appeared numb. He wasn't though he just couldn't unleash what he was feeling. It was too much and it rendered him paralyzed. [End of flashback]

"Mom why couldn't you see me? Why wasn't I ever good enough? I was yours. I was your son. Did you ever love me or did you just see him: Brady?"

How do I open up to Alex and let her see me when my own mother couldn't see me?

He tried over and over again to be there for his family even though he never received any reciprocation. He let Frank in to have the promise of connection in Donny. Look where that got me. I constantly have to pay the price for them. I gave up my badge, my career and what his kid runs away and he shoots up again. They all let me down eventually and I will do the same.

I wish I could just be selfish when it comes to my family, but I can't.

Alex is my one chance for happiness. The closer I get to it, the farther I push her away. I know that but I don't know what to do to stop myself. I don't want to hurt her. I keep doing the wrong thing. Always the wrong thing.

His loss of his mother and his understanding of Brady and the trauma that unfolded with the information of who he actually was was intertwined in his head. Forever, entangled. He couldn't grieve without anger and shame swallowing him whole.

[Flashback]

"Frank told me that you showed him the picture of uncle Mark. I don't think he knows who uncle Mark is?"

He was instantly uncomfortable shifting his body and his hands struggling to find a place to anchor them, scratching his face then covering them. He swallowed hard and his throat seized. Here it comes. Am I ready for this conversation?

"Ah who he is? You mean Brady. You're telling me that you know?"

"Yes."

He put it together. If she knew what Brady was capable of, then it happened to her. His suspicions were confirmed. She was raped by Brady. It all fit the story Frank told about him about bruises and the timeline. It fit.

"I want to tell you something. Your father was always away a lot. When he was away, I'd ask Mark to put some shelves up and your father, he got the point."

He couldn't keep focused on what she was telling him because one blaring question shouted in his mind. Was Brady my biological father? It made sense. She and him had a prior relationship. Frank said Brady gave me signed sports memorabilia. Then, the way he interacted with me in the interrogation. He just knew! He was toying with me but not for the reason Ross thought. No, he knew about my mother and he just had to tear my world upside down. He had put it in my mind that I was like him. His fear of death was his last time to lash out to me and hurt my mother for choosing William. He never got over that rejection and had to make us pay. It has to be? I don't want it to be but only she knew for sure.

"What about the year before I was born?" He had to know. Was this monster his father? Was this why he was so broken? Was this why she couldn't love him? He needed to know.

"Why is this so important?"

"Cause I need to know" His voice was sharp but there was a pleading underneath that begged her. Please don't let it be true.

"You do not."

He noticed the change in her tone. She was getting angry. He was sensitive to her mood shifts. It was necessary. If he could sense a shift, it could save him from a beating and that was something he learned quickly as a child.. If he could manipulate and redirect her, it could sometimes calm her or if she was really bad it may give him enough time to find a hiding spot until it blew over.

"We'll talk about something else." He didn't want to upset her. She had been so good with him these past days. He craved it and the other part of him was terrified where this was going. He didn't want to know the truth. It would wreck him and he knew if he stopped her then it was neither here or there and he could just be in this moment with her. Okay, that's that. Let me just enjoy the last moments with her.

"I didn't know for sure."

He broke. No. No. His whole body gave and his eyes were red and teary. He felt like he could just fall over at any time. The weight of her words were crushing him.

"Aww mom!" He dismisses as he tries not to think about what that meant for him. He bent down and kissed her forehead, "forget it."

Then, a soft moment when she tried to comfort him. "Bobby, I'm sorry." In those words he could feel everything she was conveying. I'm sorry that he has to be your father. I'm sorry that I couldn't love you the same after the trauma. I'm sorry I blamed you. I'm sorry I punish you and push you away. I'm sorry. Two words he never heard from her until this moment. She loved him and wanted to shield him from this pain but couldn't. Something broke inside when Brady violently attacked and raped her. She lost herself. She lost the mother she wanted to be.

Then in an instant, she turned on him. Pounding on his chest, beating him with the little energy she had left. "I don't understand. Why do we have to talk about him? What is the point? Will you tell me why you always do this?"

I did this.

His eyes watered and he took her abuse until he was able to grab her hand and settle her. Then, she went and his world was torn apart.