Notes: may edit this some more later but for now I'm okay with it. I'm sure not everyone will like this chapter for varying reasons. Also some mature content and language.
Eames' Apartment.
Days turned into weeks and finally a month had passed without much contact. Eames was starved for affection and emotional closeness. She found herself awake at night and distracted during the day.
She came home from work and was surprised to find Goren in her apartment, on the recliner, sipping on a beer. He was quiet. More than usual. His finger was absent-mindedly playing with the tip of the bottle in between drinks. He was slumped down, legs widely spread and eyes cast down in a trance. He hadn't registered her presence.
He seemed so frustrated and angry lately. He spent lots of time drinking and sulking. She thought he may be giving up. I miss him and maybe I can get him to focus on something other than what's not going right in the moment. I just want to feel that closeness with him, again.
Eames took his beer and placed it on the coffee table. She kissed him. He was taken by surprise but kissed her back. She inched closer until she was able to lower herself onto his lap. Goren wrapped his arms around her as he kissed her exploring her mouth with his inebriated tongue. His hands felt warm against her skin. Both were enjoying the contact but Eames was desperate for it. She ran her hands on his coarse beard bringing his mouth closer and harder against her. Her hands moved to his pants zipper and undid it. She climbed off of him and knelt down in front of him. She needed him. She took him in her hands and started to suck him with her mouth but nothing was happening. Goren was too in his head. He couldn't focus on her and he most definitely wasn't aroused. "Fuck! Just stop, Alex. What is wrong with you? I can't do this right now!" He was embarrassed he couldn't perform.
"What the fuck is wrong with you Bobby? Clearly, I'm not the one with the problem," she glanced down to where his zipper was undone. She was not going to placate to his ego, convince him it was okay and attempt to make him feel better about it. She knew he wouldn't respond to that. She decided to try another strategy to see if it would help him fix it for himself. She also was fed up with his defeatist attitude and figured she would give him a piece of her mind about it to maybe shake him out of it.
"Do you think about anything else other than sex? I mean all this pressure isn't helping." He tucked himself back into his pants and zipped up. He rose from his chair and raised his hand to gesticulate and then made a dismissive gesture as he turned away from him. What the fuck is wrong with me?
"You want to talk pressure. I've been working nonstop to try and get you back on the job and need I remind you that I wasn't the one who got you in that situation. You did. I am working around the clock and then dealing with you as I watch you accept defeat. Goren I knew, would be actively trying to get his job back. The Goren I knew, wouldn't give up without a fight."
"There is no way. I thought of every angle I could and it's hopeless so why waste my energy fighting a losing battle."
"So that's it. No, I don't accept that."
"It's not yours to accept or not."
"So, you just lie back and take it? Maybe, if you weren't so busy playing wounded victim, you could get it up," she knew that she was pushing him here and trying to get a rise out of him. Anger was better than resignation. Anger meant he was still willing to fight. She needed him to fight and get out of this funk. "Or do I need to be the chief of D's to get fucked and get some attention around here?"
"Don't…push me." He waves a finger in the air tilting his head and scowling his eyebrows "What! You want me angry, is that what it is? I have plenty of anger".
"Good. Let me see your anger! Maybe I just want to see something other than resignation and self pity."
"I think for what is happening my affect is appropriate. Or am I supposed to use sex and sarcasm to deflect like you? Is that the real response I should take. Be a man, fuck you and ignore what's happening like it makes it magically go away. Life doesn't work like that, Alex."
"Was that supposed to hurt me? Am I supposed to break now and surrender to the all-knowing Goren because if you haven't noticed you don't carry much weight around here, lately."
"C'mon Alex what is this? I don't need this right now. What do you think you're accomplishing here?"
"Trying to snap you out of this pity party you've been wallowing in. I'm tired of watching you give up. Maybe, I can get you to fight for yourself. Cause I tell you, Bobby, this one person Goren army I'm leading is really wearing thin."
What they are doing is fucking bullshit and you know it. Six months no pay, going to a shrink like I'm fucking crazy and they may not even bring me back even then just have me dangling in limbo."
"Oh God, here we go again," she threw her hands in the air in frustration, "I fucking get it. You got a raw deal."
"No! Not just a raw deal, Alex. They wouldn't have done this to anyone else and you know it."
"You don't see your fault in this? Of course not, it's always someone else. You had your part to play in this. I understand you wanted to be there for your nephew but If you weren't always so impulsive maybe they wouldn't have it out for you all the time. You can't play fast and loose with the rules and not expect some push back. Take some fucking responsibility for your actions for once in you life, Bobby."
He stared at her with wounded eyes and downward cast. He opened his mouth but found it hard to say anything against what she had said. What she said makes sense. I am a fuck up. No… It still isn't right though. Why won't she side with me? Why won't she see that I'm nothing without my job? I'm nothing but a screw up with a shield but the shield made me into something. The shield gave me purpose. I need that.
"Man the fuck up instead of walking around with your tail in between your legs complaining about how you got fucked over!" she pushed him hard against his chest but not hard enough to do any damage, just to shake him out of his thoughts. Bobby, I swear if you give up. I'm doing my part. Do yours. "Cmon," she taunted.
"You know what. I really don't need this."
So you are just going to give in and wallow. C'mon Bobby, You are so much better than that. I get it you are hurting. I've been there for you and every way I could but nothing is helping and you are just getting worse. I miss you. I miss the intimacy. You are pulling away, again. I'm worried soon it would be for good. That just makes me angry.
"Yeah, go ahead, Bobby, walk out again. Go drink and feel sorry for yourself. I didn't realize the brass took your balls when they handed you that suspension"
"You know what, fuck you Alex."
"I may have to since you haven't touched me in months…." She shook her head in frustration and maybe sadness, "You've been so busy with your pity parties that you barely acknowledge my existence." She said that last part softly and filled with emotion. She was going to speak again but Goren began speaking.
"Oh I'm sure there's plenty of men around water cooler just lining up to be with you why don't you go to them if you want a quick fuck and oh even better they still have their jobs so you won't have to coddle them and make them feel better about themselves. Less work for you; just an easy lay." Just go. I'm no good for you. I can't do this.
"God damn you Bobby. I can't believe you just insinuated that I'm some whore who would open her legs for every Tom, Dick, and Harry at the station?" Well you are angry but now you are lashing out, trying to hurt me. I'm hurt. I've been hurting. Can't you see that I share your pain on top of mine?
"I mean look how we started you really want to play that innocent card, Alex." Why am I doing this? I don't want to hurt her but I am hurting her.
"You asshole." Alex shoved him hard and then shoved him again." He wanted me hurt and angry. Consider it, mission accomplished. I'm pissed. He knows how I feel about him or I think he does. Honestly, he's so bullheaded that I think that it short circuits his intelligence, sometimes. Like now, for instance. That he would use our relationship as if it was nothing but sex to hurt me, really makes me wonder why do I try so much and why do I let him do this to me?
"Oh, I'm the asshole." He scoffed, shaking his head. I am an asshole. Certifiable Asshole. I'm better off on my own.
"Clearly my judgment must have been off. I must have been out of my mind. It couldn't have been that I liked you. No, apparently I would have given it up for anyone with a pulse and a badge. Thanks Bobby for clearing that up for me. And just so we're clear," Eames invaded his personal space intimidatingly not backing down. Spewing out her words with a venomous sting, "If it was only about having sex. I wouldn't have let you back after the first time." She backed away from him and turned on her feet. That hurt. I'm wounded.
"Ah shit." He shuffled his feet and looked down to the floor, realizing he crossed the line. He rubbed the back of his head with his hand. "Alex, I don't know what you want from me." I don't want to hurt you anymore. I'm no good for you. I want to protect you from pain but all I do is wield it like a weapon to push you away.
"You. Don't you get it? I want you." She bit the inside of her gums. Her hands went up in frustration then fell to her waist. "You're pushing me away, Bobby. I try to talk to you and you shut down. I try to support you, you tell me to back off and now this. I deserve better than that and you damn well know it." She brought herself closer to him invading his personal space, "You wanted me to back off, I backed off. What I'm not gonna do is sit back and watch you feel sorry for yourself."
No response.
"I'm done backing off" she pointed her finger sharp against his chest, "Bobby, get your shit together cause you are gonna fuck up something really good. I've seen how happy you can be. You are more than this job, I just wish you would realize that."
She grabs his jacket and slams it into his chest. "Now, you can go."
