Chapter Six

Just a heads up, for those looking forward to GOTG references or apprenses; do not expect that from this chapter. This chapter is going to be loaded with emotional turmoil, brotherly fluff and lots of love.

Please enjoy, read and comment. I would like to know your thoughts and ideas are always welcome. (please no flames)

Disclaimer: Do I own the turtles?

-No sadly, I do not :(

Without further adieu...

Raph's P.O.V

I couldn't get my mind to shut off, as I paced in the pit as I waited for Donnie to get off the phone. I ran a shaky hand over the top of my head, as my feet traveled of their own accord on the same routine.

"I can't believe it bro" Mikey's voice pulled me out of my own dark thoughts. Turning I saw my baby brother perched on the back of the couch, his baby blue eyes red from crying. I took a deep breath before walking over to give the younger turtle a hug.

"Me neither brother, me neither" I said as I gave mikey a squeeze. I just couldn't believe it. All this time. Splinter has been keeping this from us, all this time. And Leo being Leo, had done everything he could to keep this mess to himself. Who knew what stories he was hiding.

"Ok" Donnie's voice sounded strained. "I just got off the phone with April, I didn't tell her everything, but I needed to call them, her and Casey were planning to stop by later and with Leo's.." Donnie gulped. "Dark day..I didn't think it was a good idea.."

I nodded in understanding. "Good thinking bro" I felt a pain as I realized that before today none of us would have thought nothing of having company on Leo's dark day. Last year when we had Casey and April over, Casey had actually been more sympathetic than me, I realized, a pain of guilt surfacing with the memory.

Casey and I were wrestling in the hallway. I had just broken out of Casey's chokehold by flipping him over my shoulder and on to his back, the baller was just about to respond when Leo walked by in a fog.

Mr. mother hen didn't say a word, not even a sideways glance as he just seemed to drift by.

"Wow, what's that about?" asked Casey with a frown. "Is Leo ok? He looks like he's seen a ghost or something" the hockplayer shook his head. "No, worse than that. It's like he's not even here, it's like his mind is somewhere else than his body"

I just shook my head at my friend, irritated at the interruption. "Leo's always like this on this day. Don't worry about it" I shrugged.

"This is an annual thing?!" Casey's eyebrows raised. "Dude that just kinda makes it worse"

"So Leo has a weird day, big deal. Leo's always been weird, he's just a bit more weird today than usual"

"This isn't just weird Raph, aren't you concerned? What if something is wrong?"

I punched Casey in the shoulder. "Shut up Jones. You don't know what you're talking about."

"Captain of coverups, walking around in a haze." The baller raised an eyebrow before shaking his head. "You're usually just so protective of your brothers when they're down. And now Leo's like this!? I'm just surprised at you all '' Casey shrugged.

I shook his head at the memory. My own best friend had been more insightful than me. Casey Jones, who Leo himself once said had 'as much sensitivity as a rabid dog'.. I just couldn't believe it. All this time, my brother had been hurting and I had been completely blind to my big brother's pain. Too blinded by my own stupid jealousy to see the truth behind Leo's absence and had only thought of the pain it caused me, I hadn't even considered that the same event that hurt me so much, also hurt Leo.

"Just because you're leader doesn't mean you have to get into everyone's face all the time"

I cringed at the memory. Rage had fueled my words and actions that day. We later learned it was the Aeons home planet that was driving us all so out of control. But that revelation did nothing to my guilt at what I had almost done.

"Don't start on that leader thing again Raph, you have always been jealous of me"

Leo had looked so angry and hurt, but his words had only fueled my own anger. Leo had touched on a subject close to home. Yes, I had always been jealous of Leo. Leo who had been Splinter's favorit. The only one who was sent away on special training to our father's friend. Leonardo who always seemed so reserved, who pushed himself harder than the rest of us, like he was trying to outshine us, outshine me.

"Jealous!? Maybe because you were always Splinter's favorite"

I closed my eyes, and I could almost see Leo's bright sapphire eyes shining back at me, like they had that day. Leo always had a mask on, he was always so reserved so controlled of his emotions and actions. But not that day, that day his walls had crumbled and I got a glimpse inside. The anger I saw there was almost fighting, a rage that seems to rival my own. My own brother who always seemed so controlled, had a sea of emotions reflecting back at me in the pools of those deep blue eyes. Emotions of anger, pain, turmoil, betrayal, and a collage of so much more that I couldn't make out. Seeing those emotions so openly reflected had scared me, but not nearly as much as when the realization of what I had almost done, had. That realization had shaken me to ma core.

As my big brother hugged me, I realized just how close I had come to attacking my own brother with my sias! But before I even had a chance to speak, to apologize, or just make sense of the horror of what I had just done. Leo told me he loved me. HIs voice had been so firm and calm, so full of conviction, sincerity and honesty. Those words had anchored me, brought me back to what was real and what was important. But looking back those five words had ment more than I realized then.

"Raph, I love you Bro".

I closed my eyes, taking in the words and the weight they held. With those five words, Leo had shown me forgiveness, understanding and Love.

A weight on my shoulder pulled me out of my thoughts. Donnie stood to my right, his hand resting on my shoulder. HIs brick red eyes, holding the same cascade of emotions wrestling within me.

"Mikey" Donnie spoke with a sigh, one hand running down his tired face as he turned to face us both with a tired determined smile. "Gather all the blankets and pillows from your room and bring them down to the pit. Me and Raph will do the same. I'm leaving you in charge of the movie snacks. Just don't go overboard" the genius warned, holding up a hand. "Nothing crazy like ice cream sandwiches wrapped in pizza again..maybe stick to the basics.. I'll round up Leo's favorite shows…" Donnie took a sigh as he leaned against the couch, his haggard shoulder's slouching. "Leo probably won't be up for talking much today..you know how he is on his dark day…"

I nodded understanding my brother's direction. "But that doesn't mean he should be left alone either." A small determined smile pulled at my lips. Sure we hadn't dealt with this right in the past, we had been oblivious. But we weren't anymore.

We are a family. And family, stick together. Leo didn't have to deal with this alone anymore. We were going to stand by our big brothers side.

"We're going to show Leo how loved he is" Mikey smiled.

I nodded with a smile. "Fearless doesn't have to go through this alone anymore".


Leo's P.O.V

The darkness around me seemed to cradle me, a comfort like blanket of consistency as the tears abated and exhaustion lulled me into its grasp. Sleep didn't hold me for long, memories usually far enough removed for comfort haunted my sleep and invaded my consciousness. I pulled my knees closer to my chest. I vaguely noted the sound of my door opening; and light streaming in through the opening, penetrating the darkness of my room, as the outside world entered. It wasn't completely uncommon for my brothers to talk to me a little on this day, though they usually gave up on me once they realized I wouldn't respond to them. My eyes still glued to the far wall,I waited patiently for them to address whatever they came here for and leave. Though all I wanted with every fiber of my being was for them to stay..but they never have before.

I've always been surprised at how quiet Raph can be when he wants to. To my surprise, instead of mumbling a half-baked apology about earlier, which I was expecting; my red clad brother made his way inside. Walking slowly and cautiously, though making sure I was aware of his presence, which is odd if he is planning on pranking me. Not that I really give two hoots right now.

Suddenly I feel the grounding weight of two arms around me. Startled, I refrained from giving a startled yelp at the sudden contact. Sensing my surprise, Raph relaxed his grip slightly, but didn't move his arms from around my shoulders as my brother rested his head on mine, as he sat by my side, rocking back and forth in a soothing motion as he held me close. I let out a shaky breath, leaning into the unexpected hug. We sat like that for several minutes, my younger brother's arms a grounding weight as his presence comforted and soothed me. Just when I thought sleep may finally take me into it's grasp, Raph's grip shifted, as my younger but bigger brother hefted me into his arms and began carrying me out of the dark, admittedly depressing room.

Normally I would be struggling and voicing my complaints of being carried like an infant. But I just couldn't find the energy to struggle or complain, not today. I opened my sleepy blue eyes questionably, surprised to his usually gruff face softened with worry and concern. That reawoke my big brother sensors. Dark day or not, I couldn't ignore that something was going on. That is when I noticed the pit. The center area of the lair, which we had decorated with care over the years to make it uniquely our own and comfortable, was rearranged with a nest of pillows and blankets in the middle of the center area. Raph walked and settled down into the middle of the nest shifting me so that I was leaning against him. Donnie was at the TV, my box of Space Hero Video Cassettes next to him, Mikey appeared seconds later with a bowl of popcorn and a tray full of drinks. I blinked in confusion as Donnie and Mikey snuggled in, Mikey to my left and Donnie to the right.

I couldn't believe this, I had to be dreaming. We hadn't cuddled up like this in ages! We used to make cuddle nests in front of the TV all the time when we were kids. I blinked back tears as the theme song to my favorite show started up. I leaned into my brothers confirming to myself, that yes they were all here. Raph wrapped his arms around my shoulders, his chin resting on the top of my head, as Donnie leaned against my shoulder and Mikey all but squished me, as my younger brother snuggled as close to me as he could. Waives of emotions radiated from my younger brothers. I hugged them closer as I sensed their distress. They..They were worried about me.

I couldn't hold back my tears any longer. The screen in front of my blurred, as warm droplets pooled around my eyes and danced down my face. I knew I should probably be feeling guilt and worry at their behavior. Knowing that my brothers were no longer oblivious, and were affected by my dark day in a way I had always feared and desperately tired to avoid. After all, wasn't my silence for them? Despite that knowledge, I couldn't excuse how their actions made me feel. I felt safe, I felt warm. I felt as though a weight I had long carried had been lifted off of me.

Three pairs of arms surrounded me as my brothers shifted to encircle me, as a sob broke loose. I buried my face in my immediate brother's chest and did what I promised myself long ago I would never do. I let myself go.

I cried for myself, and all that I had lost. I cried for losing a year away from my brothers. I cried for being forced to grow up too fast. I cried for the lies and the silent burdens. I cried for the misunderstanding that caused division, instated blame, jealousy and built barriers I didn't know how to cross.

I let my voice ring out in desperation, I let my body sink into the warm embrace of my brothers in despondence and exhaustion as rain of sorrow, regret and guilt flowed straight from my soul.

I let myself surrender to the torrent of emotion within me. I had been burying my past, my fears, and my emotions for years now. Stuffing them deep deep down. And now, the bottle had finally shattered. Distantly I felt regret and guilt; knowing that I had wanted to shelter and shield my brothers. But another part of me noted that it was necessary. And I did what I never thought I could, or even thought I had the right or strength for. I excused myself. I allowed myself to cry. I allowed myself to be weak. To be open. To share my burdens.

My brothers had sought me out. They had reached out to comfort me. And when I had shown my weak side, they wrapped themselves around me. They blanked me in brotherly love. They dried my tears, and shushed my sobs, holding me close as I let myself release my inner turmoil.

As the tears died down as the storm seemed to pass. I realized that the dampness on my checks were not just from my own tears. I raised my eyes to meet the gaze of my brothers and took in three sets of red tear stained eyes.

They know.

As I gazed into their eyes, I saw all that my silence had fought to ovoid.

I had been silent, thinking that things would go back to how they were before I left. They didn't. I was silent so not to set myself apart from my brothers and create distance. Raph grew jealous of my time away, and saw me as a teacher's pet: creating a different type of distance. But most importantly I was silent in order to protect those I cared most for. But looking into their eyes, I realized I couldn't protect them from everything. I needed to start anew. The system I had was not working. It was broken.

Back then I had needed to protect them. Now I needed to trust them. Trust them with the truth.

I took a deep breath, settling my spirit. As I allowed myself to break one last rule. My silence.

"I'm Sorry"


TBC

Please Review.

Oooff, that was a hard chapter.

I'm not exactly sure where to go from here. My muse keeps re-writing the story, so please let me know if there is something you would like to see.