"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"What is it, Jadeite?" she asked.

"Solar energy!" he exclaimed.

"Huh?" asked the queen.

"It's what the humans call energy from the sun! By tapping into the sun's abundance of energy, we can get all the power we need without harming our environment and damaging the ozone layer. Other fuel sources, such as fossil fuels and nuclear power, produce harmful CO2 omissions that can deplete our atmosphere."

"Where did you get that from, Jadeite?"

"Google. So what do you say, Queen? Are you ready to go green?"

"Why the hell would I do that? We're just going to destroy the world anyway in a couple of weeks," Queen Beryl tried to explain.

"But you see, by minimizing our carbon footprint, we can do our share of making the world a greener and better place."

"We're literally putting sun spots on the sun. I don't care about the Earth."

"The Earth cares about you. It's time to give back!" called Jadeite. "We have to stop global warming!"

"I'll cut down on wasting energy, then. By not wasting any more time and energy on your bullshit!"

"That's the first step on the road to a healthier- wait a second! WAAAAAA!"

"Nephrite!" Queen Beryl summoned.

"Yes, my Queen?"

"Throw this away in the tra- I mean recylcing bin!"


One fine morning in the Negaverse, Nephrite strolled in. But something was different about him.

He was wearing a tuxedo and shades, like he was about to go out for a night on the town.

"Woah!" said Kunzite. "Since when have you looked so good?"

"WA?!" screamed Zoisite in horror. "Kunzite, how could you? That's NEPRHITE! His middle name is GAYLORD! EWWW!"

"Relax, Zoisite. I'm just saying, he looks better than usual."

"WA?!" screamed Zoisite in horror. "Kunzite, how could you?"

"How could I what? I'm allowed to make a statement," said Kunzite.

"WA?!" screamed Zoisite in horror. "Kunzite, how could you? Not when that statement is about the attractiveness of another guy! My enemy, nonetheless!"

"I thought we were buds?" asked Nephrite, hurt.

"Not when u tryna steal my man, ho!" Zoisite yelled, kicking him in the face.

They got in a scrap.

"Zoisite, leave him alone!" said Kunzite.

"WA?!" screamed Zoisite in horror. "Kunzite, how could you? You didn't tell him to leave me alone! You must like him better!"

"You're choking him to death," explained Kunzite.

"WAAAAAWJEGWEGJ!" groaned Nephrite, gasping for air.

"I'm done with you!" screamed Zoisite. "I'm breaking up with you!"

"Come on, now, it's been a thousand years..."

"WOW, you don't even care that I'm breaking up with you? I'm breaking up with you for real now!"

Nephrite tried to pry Zoisite's fingers from around his neck, but he was losing energy fast.

"Stop killing Nephrite," Kunzite said.

"ALL YOU CARE ABOUT IS NEPHRITE!" he yelled, strangling Nephrite harder.

"You..." coughed Nephrite. "Need... *cough* couples' counseling!" he yelled before passing out.

Zoisite released his grip and Nephrite dropped to the floor. "COUGH COUGH COUGH!"

"He's right, you know," said Kunzite.

"WOW, HE'S ALWAYS RIGHT IN YOUR EYES, ISN'T HE? IT'S LIKE HIS NAME IS NEPH-RIGHT OR SOMETHING!"

"But-"

"You're both wrong! What we need is couples' counseling! Let's go!" Zoisite shouted at them.


They appeared at the couples' counseling building. They sat in the waiting room, eavesdropping on the couple that was already in there.

"So, Molly," the shrink began. "How did that make you feel, when Nephrite took your energy?"

"It was so romantic!" she sighed, dreamily.

Finally, the two left and Kunzite and Zoisite had their turn.

"Take a seat," said the counselor, in a familiar voice. "I am Dr. Jed Ite. So, tell me about your problems."

"Jadeite, is that you?" they both asked.

"Can you read? I said I was Jed Ite."

"What does that have to do with reading?" they asked.

"You two seem to have some serious issues. You can't even trust your trustworthy Dr. Jed Ite."

They both glared at him.

"So, are you going to help us out or not?" Kunzite asked.

"Oh, yeah Kunzite, of course," Dr. Jed Ite responded.

"How do you know my name if you're not Jadeite?"

"Hey hey hey, I'm the one who asks the questions here. So, have you been having any disagreements lately?"

"Yes," Zoisite began. "He likes Nephrite more than me!"

"LIES!" Kunzite disagreed.

"Well, I don't blame him," said Jed Ite. "Nephrite sure is a hunkster. If I were Kunzite, I would leave you for a real man like Nephrite. Or that Jadeite character. I heard he's pretty good looking as well."

"How is this supposed to help our relationship?" asked Kunzite, growing increasingly angry.

"Hey, last time I checked, you didn't have a didn't a psychology degree!" Jed Ite yelled, holding up a crayon drawing of Jadeite standing in a field holding a degree.

"That's a fake degree," commented Kunzite.

"Show some respect for the doctor." Zoisite scolded. "So anyway, I was choking Nephrite to death-"

"He's not even a doctor!" Kunzite yelled in a frustrated tone.

"See, this is our problem! You never want to hear my side of the story!" Zoisite sobbed.

"You just made your boyfriend and/or girlfriend sob! You're a monster!" Jed Ite declared.

"That's not helping my relationship!" Kunzite screamed back at him.

"Why would I care about your relationship? I hate both of you!"

"Because you're a relationship psychologist?" Kunzite asked, annoyed.

"I am?" Jed Ite asked.

"I'm out," Kunzite said, walking out the door.

Zoisite grabbed his arm. "No, we need this!"

"Yeah, and I need your energy! I mean money! I mean-" Jed Ite sputtered.

"Ok," Kunzite tried, furious. "If you can fix our problems, do it right now or I leave."

"Hmmm..." Jadeite said, thinking of possibilities. "You know what helps couples? Mutual kindness. Do something nice for someone together. Like that cool guy Jadeite, he deserves some praise now and then. Tell him how much he means to you."

"Why wouldn't we just tell each other how much we mean?" Zoisite asked.

"Uh, sure, but make sure to be nice to Jadeite. He has to go through a lot of shit. Buying him a car wouldn't hurt anything. Maybe inviting him to your castle once and a while, feeding him some dinner. His favorite is tacos. That will mend your problems."

"Yeah..." said Kunzite. "Well we're not doing any of that. Cya!" he said starting to pull Zoisite out the door.

"WAIT WAIT WAIT!" Jed Ite yelled. "You should try my couple's energy snatching cruise! I mean, energy couple's snatching cruise! I mean the boat of death! I mean the Negatanic! I mean- My brother, Jadeit- I mean Jade is a cruise ship driver. If you want to rekindle your love by taking his cruise, I'll give you a small discount!"

"Oooo! A small discount!" Zoisite began. "How much off?"

"Well first you have to give Jadeite some affection..."

"You mean Jade?"

"No..."

Kunzite stormed out the door. Zoisite bought the tickets anyway.

As he walked out the door, Jadeite said goodbye. "Cya round the Negaverse! Don't forget to make Jadeite those tacos!"

"Of course! I'll make sure to tell your brother Jadeite, I mean Jade, that you said hi!"

Kunzite came back in the room impatiently. "You do realize that they're all Jadeite, right?"

"Who?"


"Come on Zoisite," Kunzite said impatiently. "We're gonna be late for that cruise you spent all our money on."

"Hold on! I'm following the counselor's advice and making Jadeite tacos!"

"We don't have time! Let's go!"

They warped away. Jadeite entered the room and got saddened by the tacos that could have been.


All the couples boarded the cruise.

Kunzite and Zoisite sat down at a table. Soon, the entertainment began.

"Hello, I am your handsome host, DJ Jedster. Today I will be playing you my favorite diddies! This one's called, I Love Giving Energy to the Negaverse!"

"Meh," Zoisite commented. "I used to like this one, but then the radio overplayed it."

Everyone else seemed to enjoy it, however, and the whole crowd sung along. "Today looks like a wonderful day! To go out and give the Negaverse my ener-jay!"

Another couple took a seat at their table.

"NEPHRITE?!" they both asked.

"And MAWLY!" Mawly commented.

"Eww, go away," Zoisite said.

"Why are you guys on this cruise?" Kunzite asked.

"Our couple's counselor Jed Ite gave us a discount for these tickets! He said his brother Jay Dite was the cruise driver, and that this would fix our relationship."

"Hmmm," Kunzite said suspiciously. "He told US that that was a once in a lifetime deal he would only do for us. And he said the cruise driver was his brother Jade! Something's fishy."

"I'm not sure," said Nephrite. "Honestly, I'm pretty exhausted from making Jadeite tacos, I can't really think straight."

"That Jadeite was so rude!" said Mawly. "He stole me mummy's energyyyyyyyyy-" Molly said, passing out.

Nephrite passed out too. All around them, the couples were dropping like flies.

"HAHAHHAHAA!" DJ Jedster yelled out.

"WHO ARE YOU?!" demanded Kunzite.

DJ Jedster made himself slightly less tan. "It is I! Jadeite! Now people of Earth, lend me your love energy!"

"GASP! It's Jadeite!" Zoisite yelled out in surprise. "I was sure this was gonna be one of Nephrite's flops."

Suddenly, Kunzite noticed something. "Wait, why did everyone pass out but us?"

Zoisite got really offended. "WTF! I have tons of love energy! Why aren't you taking it, Jadeite?"

"Oh... huh. I guess I only thought to take straight love energy."

"AWW HELL NO!" They both yelled him.

Zoisite jumped up on the stage and shoved him. "MY LOVE ENERGY IS JUST AS GOOD AS ANYONE ELSE'S!" he screamed. "TAKE IT, NOW!"

"I can't!" screamed Jadeite. "It'd be too hard to switch the kind of energy I'm taking! Because taking generic energy isn't good enough, it has to be specified!"

"WELL MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT THAT, HUH?!" Zoisite kicked him in the head.

"Zoisite, stop it!" Jadeite tried to reason. "I'll take your energy later, just let me take this energy to Queen Beryl!"

"NO! You take my energy or you take no energy!" Zoisite slapped it out of his hand.

"NOOOOOO!" screamed Jadeite. "Give that back! You're betraying the Negaverse!"

Zoisite tossed it to Kunzite, who turned it into one giant energy ball. He blasted it at Jadeite. Jadeite dodged, but it sunk the ship. Everyone died.

Right before the ship sunk, Kunzite and Zoisite flew up in the air. They floated there and watched the sunset.

"You know, that was pretty sweet how you made sure Jadeite knew how much love energy you had for me!" Kunzite gushed.

"Aww shucks! That was pretty romantic how you killed Jadeite and all those innocent people!" Zoisite said, smiling happily.

"Yeah. It was a shame Nephrite had to die though. He was pretty good looking..."

"WEGJARHEJTWEGJHEKJ!"


Kunzite and Zoisite stood in Queen Beryl's chamber. Kunzite had a black eye.

"Kunzite! Zoisite!" Queen Beryl hissed. "Is it true you two sabotaged Jadeite's energy plan?"

"Yes."

"LOL NICE! I couldn't have done it better me self!" Queen Beryl commended.