John walked slowly to the NICU, almost counting his steps to try to keep his mind off of everything. He breathed out slowly, keeping each one in sync with his steps before he was finally in front of the window once more. He swallowed hard and took the last few steps forward, staring through the glass at the small life in the other room.

He felt his chest tighten at the sight of his son amidst everything else that was currently helping him stay alive. Sometimes he would move around, his little limbs sliding around. His mouth was slightly open as he breathed and when he coughed, his entire chest moved making John jerk forward wanting to go to him.

"Hey Sammy." John whispered, reaching up to touch the glass. "It's...I'm your dad. I'm John."

He took a deep breath as his eyes moved over Sammy, taking his fill in of his second son. A son, that if he was going to be honest, he didn't believe he'd ever get to see.

The first fear had of course been because of the constant threat of miscarriage. He never said it to Mary but it was something that he was told by the doctor to be prepared for. He had constantly been on the edge with Mary, feeling like anything would be the thing to push her body over and lose the baby.

And then she disappeared.

John closed his eyes, taking a deep breath to try to calm himself.

At first he had thought that Mary was just ignoring him and his calls, something he wasn't surprised at considering that he had told her that the Men of Letters don't want to work with her demands.

But when he came back to her apartment he felt that something had been off. He thought that maybe she and Dean went for a walk or something, she needed the time and the distance. He didn't make a habit of going through her things but when a few hours passed and it got dark and they still weren't back, he got worried.

The things Mary had taken were simple and easy to miss, some clothes and some toys. She left behind a small mess in the sink as if they had just eaten. He didn't know where she kept her luggage so when he saw the empty spots in the closet he didn't think too much of it.

When it got late and they still hadn't come, he had called her parents with the hopes that they were there. Despite everything she was close with her parents and they adored Dean so maybe she just wanted to be with them.

But then Samuel and Deanna had said that they hadn't heard from her since the day before and immediately came over. They knew her apartment a bit better than him, especially in the case of where she kept her weapons.

Despite what she said, she was raised a hunter and still had that mentality.

So when they discovered that her weapon bag was gone, that was the little bit that her parents needed to confirm that Mary wasn't just out for a walk, she was gone without intent to come back.

And that's when they started to call people to hear from them. Samuel was adamant that her old friend Ellen would be the one to help her but Ellen denied any sort of involvement, saying that she hadn't spoken to Mary in months and Mary owed her a drink in apology before she'd help her.

They called other hunters that Mary was familiar with to no avail. Samuel then called Bobby Singer, twice, because he had a feeling that Singer was hiding something.

But both times the man denied anything, saying that the last time he had seen Mary was their date.

And he knew that he didn't have the right to get jealous about that, the date had happened before they officially-unofficially got together. But he pushed past that to try to figure out where she was.

And getting that phone call from Mary, learning that she had been in Sioux Falls where Samuel knew that Bobby lived, the man had spent a majority of the ride over here ranting and raving and ready to destroy the other man.

And it took almost four months. Four months of no contact, of not knowing if her and their sons were okay. Four months of sleepless nights in which he just prayed for a postcard to know that the three of them are okay.

Under his parents' encouragement, he didn't tell the other Men of Letters. He had no desire to hear their displeasure and he had no idea what they would do if they found out that Mary had run away with the child they had been expecting to be theirs.

He knew that if he brought the other Men of Letters into this they'd be able to find Mary within a day or two. There were tracking spells and locating spells that they could use and find her no matter what she tried to use to hide herself.

But he also knew that if they knew that Mary had taken Dean and ran away, they would take that as an excuse to take Dean away from them so that there wouldn't be that possibility again.

He meant what he said, that if Mary had asked him he would've come. Now. After living in fear of the unknown for four months he was prepared to do anything he had to to keep his family together, to not lose them again.

But back then...Mary had a point and it was something he'd been avoiding thinking for the whole time. He didn't have a problem with being a Man of Letters, he enjoyed it in fact. There were very few things that he had a problem with, the control and the council mostly, but ultimately they never really had much to do with them. The only reason he was in so much attention with them is that he was going against the grain so much.

It was nice to work with his father like the other Letters, spending hours talking and researching and working together. It was something he realized that he wasn't going to get with Dean but then the council decided to try to force it to happen and he couldn't help but be relieved and try to work towards it.

But now, at the cost of everything, he was ready to set it all to the side if it meant keeping his family together.

A part of him was angry, very angry and pissed off at the whole thing. A part of him wanted to yell and hit the walls and do something.

But mostly he was tired, he just wanted his family together. He just wanted to be able to live with Mary and their sons.

He was so damn tired.

A man walked down the hallway, he obviously wasn't a medical professional, but stopped in front of the window as well. Staring at Sammy and shaking his head. John glanced at him and then back at Sammy, feeling his hackles rise as the man continued to stare at his son.

"I'm guessing you're John." the man finally said, looking at him. "I'm Bobby Singer."

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