"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Not now, Jadeite! Assemble the others, it's time for the monthly inspection!"

"Uh oh!" said Jadeite, warping away to warn the others.

They all gathered and stood in line in front of Queen Beryl as she examined them.

"Jadeite," she began.

"Oh boy, this is where my story ends!" sighed Jadeite.

"You're looking sharp, Jadeite! Your hair is a normal male length! Way to go!"

Jadeite gushed.

"You get a smiley face for the day!"

Jadeite gushed harder.

"Now what the hell is up with you three's hair?!" Queen Beryl exclaimed, baffled.

"Don't you think I look pretty :3?" Zoisite asked.

"You're not supposed to look pretty, you're a guy," Queen Beryl stated harshly.

"I CAN BE WHATEVER I WANT TO BE! YOU AIN'T MY PA!"

"I killed your Pa!"

Zoisite gasped.

"Kunzite, why is your hair such a freaky color? Lay off the bleach," Queen Beryl commanded.

"But that's my natural hair color!"

"BULLSHIT!" she yelled.

Kunzite whimpered. "Do you want me to dye it a different color then?"

"Yes. Don't return until you have any color but white."

Kunzite whimpered again and warped away.

"Nephrite!"

"Yes, Queen?" he said, turning to let his luxurious locks flow in the wind.

"Nephrite, you need a hair cut. That hair is not manly nor practical. That goes for you too, Zoisite!"

"WHAT?!" they both gasped in terror. "NEVER!"

"Do it or I'll key your car!"

Nephrite hung his head and gave in. He warped away to get a hair cut.

Zoisite warped away as well, with no intentions of getting a haircut. "She'll totally forget about this in a few hours," thought Zoisite.

"So what do you want me to do, Queen Beryl?" Jadeite asked.

"I don't care, just don't do it here."

"Whoopee!"

Kunzite returned, his hair now neon green.

"KUNZITE! What is the meaning of this!?"

"You said any color but white!"

"I meant any NORMAL color!"

"Dawgonnit!" he yelled, warping away again.

"Queen Beryl!" said Jadeite.

"Didn't I tell you to go away?"

"I just wanted to tell you how thankful I was for that smiley face!"

"That's it, I'm killing you right now!"

"Ok ok I'm leaving," Jadeite said, finally leaving.

Kunzite returned, his hair now deep blue.

"KUNZITE! What is the meaning of this!?"

"You said any NORMAL color!"

"That's not a normal color!" Queen Beryl shrieked.

"Yes it is, haven't you seen Sailor Mercury? Or Saphear?"

"No. Fix this mess or I will shave your head!" threatened Beryl.

"GAH!" he cried, warping away once more.


Nephrite sadly walked out of the hair salon, with a buzz cut. He was wearing all black funeral attire, and was whiping his tears with a hankerchief.

"So what do you guys think?" he asked Kunzite and Jadeite.

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" they laughed.

"Oh, haha," said Nephrite, angrily. "At least my hair isn't neon yellow!"

"HEY!" corrected Kunzite. "That's highlighter yellow, to you!"

"You look like a fool."

"At least I don't look like a tool!"

Jadeite just chortled.

Kunzite slugged Jadeite.

"OWWWOWOWOW!" yelled Jadeite. "I don't know what hurt worse, that slug, or looking at your hair."

"Alright, that's it!" said Kunzite, turning to take out Jadeite. But then a lock of hair fell in his eyes and he was blinded. He couldn't find where to shoot in time, and Jadeite took off like the wind.

"So," said Nephrite, trying to take the subject off of his hideously deformed buzz cut. "Where's Zoisite? He was supposed to meet us here."

"I don't know, I guess let's look for him," said Kunzite.


The two of them looked all around Kunzite's castle for Zoisite. After finally giving up, they both opened the fridge to get a snack.

There, they found Zoisite, curled up in a ball and eating carrots.

"Zoisite, what are you doing in there?" asked Kunzite.

"I'm hiding from Beryl! She wants to steal my baby!"

"You're baby? Huh?" asked Nephrite.

"MY HAAAAAIR!"

"It won't be that bad," said Kunzite. "It'll grow back... unlike my white hair..."

"NOT SOON ENOUGH!" sobbed Zoisite.

"Come on," said Nephrite. "I got a haircut, and look how good it turned out!"

Zoisite started bawling, and slammed the fridge door on them.

"But I was hungry!" cried Nephrite.

"TOO BAD!" yelled a muffled voice from inside the refrigerator.

Kunzite pulled Nephrite aside and whispered to him. "We have to trick him and cut his hair! Otherwise, Queen Beryl will kill him, and give us frowny faces!"

"Fine," agreed Nephrite.


Kunzite and Zoisite walked down the street.

"See, aren't you glad I convinced you to leave the fridge?" Kunzite asked.

"Yeah, but I'm not getting a haircut," said Zoisite.

"Nope," agreed Kunzite. "No haircuts! Just a nice walk through the town. Hey, look at that! Free massages!"

"Oh boy!" Zoisite said. "Let's go get one!"

They walked over to the free massage place, where a mustached man with a buzzcut, and another mustached man with spiffy blond hair stood.

"Hello, I am J. Dwight. I will be your masseuse today," said the one man.

"And I am Maxfield Stanton," said the other.

"LOL," said Zoisite, to the Maxfield Stanton fellow. "You have an ugly buzzcut, just like that guy I know!"

"Don't rub it in," sobbed Maxfield.

Kunzite and Zoisite layed down on the massage beds and started getting the massages.

"Hey," said J. Dwight. "Why do I have to give you a massage, Kunzite?"

"Shhh, it's part of the plan!" said Kunzite.

"I don't think it is," J. Dwight stated.

"So, just relax now," said Nephrite/Maxfield to Zoisite. He pulled out a pair of scissors and went in for the kill.

But Zoisite's hair sense started tingling. He caught the scissors before they made contact.

"ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME!?" he demanded, jumping up.

"No, we're just trying to cut your hair."

"EVEN WORSE!"

Zoisite began attacking Maxfield. He tried to fight back, but without his hair, he was nothing. J. Dwight tried to step in, but Zoisite socked him in the face.

"Ouch!" screamed Jadeite. "I didn't sign up for this!"

Zoisite was about to deliver the final blow on Nephrite, but Kunzite intercepted, and took a powerful punch, getting thrown backwards into a building.

"Why, Kunzite?" Zoisite asked in shock.

"We were just trying to cut your hair so Queen Beryl won't beat you up! I don't wanna see you get hurt!"

"AWwwwwwwww..." said Zoisite, feeling kind of bad. "So does this mean..."

J. Dwight took off his mustache, revealing that he was, in fact, Jadeite.

Zoisite gasped. "Jadeite!"

"The one and only!"

"And me, Nephrite!" Nephrite moaned, laying on the ground in pain.

"Awwwww you guys all tried so hard to save me from getting beat up by Queen Beryl..."

"Not exactly," said Nephrite. "I was just trying to forward my career as a masseuse."

"Well, the rest of us were," said Kunzite.

"D'awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww," said Zoisite, sadly. "Then I know what I must do." He walked away, crying.

Kunzite followed, telling him that he was proud of his sacrifice.

Nephrite weakly rose to his feet. "What?" he asked. "No pay?!"


Queen Beryl sat in her thrown, doing the follow up inspection.

"Spiffy as always, Jadeite! Nephrite, you look a total tool. LLOLOLOLOLO! Kunzite, don't ever steal my hair color again. Stick to your creepy white, you bafoon. And where's Zoisite?"

The three Shitennou there exchanged nervous glances.

Then, Zoisite slowly entered the room. He had a short haircut, making him look like a butch lesbian.

"Hmm," said Beryl. "Satisfactory work, Zoisite."

Zoisite just let silent tears fall.

"Alright, you doofuses are done for the day. Just be here early tomorrow for evil laugh inspection!"

"Oh boy!" said Jadeite. "Who wants to go to the carnival?"

He, Nephrite, and Kunzite warped off to the carnival.

Zoisite stayed behind, and returned to his castle alone. When he got inside, he took off the short haired wig, letting his long hair flow out voluptuously.

"HAHAHAHAHA! I'll cut my hair over Nephrite's dead body! LOLOLOLOLEELEELEEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEWOOT!"

FIN