"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"What!?" asked Queen Beryl. She had been texting. "I heard you the first time!"

"Oh. So I learned that the humans have this thing called a house..."

"Yes, and how do you plan to use those to steal energy?"

"Well, you see, Queen Beryl, it has come to my attention that I do not possess one of these 'houses.'"

"Yes, go on..."

"Why don't I have a house? Even filthy humans have house!" Jadeite cried.

"You must EARN a house! By stealing ENERGY!"

"How come Nephrite has a house, then?" Jadeite asked.

"He does? He must have built it himself. You gotta work on your magic, chump!" Beryl told him.

"WA!" cried Jadeite. "Where does one acquire a house?" he asked.

"By leaving me alone," Queen Beryl told him.

"But I don't think-"

Queen Beryl threw him out of the cave. He lay in the snow of the North Pole.

He wandered the arctic wilderness, searching for a home. He happened upon an igloo.

"Can I live here?" he asked the eskimos. The eskimos harpooned him and he fled.

Next he found a cave with polar bears. "Can I live-"

They started eating him, so he fled.

He then found a walrus colony. But the alpha walrus challenged him to a duel. He lost and he had to flee.


The other three Shitennou sat at their lunch table in the Nega Cafeteria.

"I love not being homeless," said Nephrite.

"Same," said Zoisite.

"Houses are the minimal requirement of being a respectable living creature," commented Kunzite.

Just then, Jadeite came in, all mopey.

"What's all the hub-bub, Jeddy?" asked Nephrite.

Jadeite left his meatloaf untouched and sat down pouting.

"So anyway," said Nephrite. "I'm going to remodel my house today!"

"That's cool, I guess," said Zoisite. "I'm just going to appreciate living in my house. Because I have one."

Jadeite let out a loud sigh, making the Shitennou remember that he was there.

"Hey Jadeite, where do you live?" asked Zoisite. "I've been to Nephrite's house many times, but I've never seen yours! After you lost that apartment, we kind of lost touch!"

Jadeite ran out crying.

"What's his beef?" said Kunzite.

"Maybe we should follow him," said Nephrite.

"Not today though, because we're having our not homeless party at our house. Wanna come?" said Zoisite.

"Why of course!" said Nephrite. "Because I'm not homeless!"


The next day, they followed Jadeite as he went through the portal to the human realm.

He exited and appeared outside of a portal behind the Dunkin Donuts. He sat down and began to sponge wash his only outfit.

The three Shitennou watched from behind the corner.

"What is he doing in this alley?" asked Kunzite.

"I don't know, it's a strange ritual or something," Nephrite inferred.

When he finished, Jadeite put back on his soaking outfit, and leaped into the dumpster. He closed the lid.

"Homeless sweet homeless," he sighed.

"Jadeite is homeless?" Zoisite gasped.

"No silly, he lives in a dumpster!" Nephrite explained.

"Aww, I almost feel bad for him," said Kunzite. "Almost..."

"We can't have one of our own living on the streets! We must help him!" decided Nephrite.

"I'm not letting him live with me!" Zoisite screamed.

"Well, neither am I!" cried Nephrite. "There's simply not room for both you and Jadeite eating my food and using my washing machine!"

"That settles it," said Kunzite. "We will find him a house.

"Hey, Jeddy," Nephrite said slowly, opening the dumpster.

Jadeite hissed. "THE LIGHT! IT BURNS!"

"Come on now, here kitty kitty kitty," Nephrite said.

But Jadeite took a chomp on Nephrite's extended hand.

"YOWZERS! It bit me!" cried Nephrite.

Jadeite made a break for it on all fours, but Kunzite caught him by the legs and dragged him back.

"What do you want!" Jadeite sobbed. "Come to mock me for living in a dumpster?"

"Yes," said Zoisite.

"Zoisite!" Nephrite scolded. "Jadeite, we're going to help you find a home."

"Me? A home?" Jadeite asked skeptically. "Impossible!"

"Anything's possible, when you have us helping you!" Nephrite reassured.

"But where could you possible find me a cheap home?" Jadeite asked.

"I have an idea!" said Zoisite. "He can move into my old home, that I abandoned to go live with Kunzite!"

"Really, are you sure?" asked Jadeite.

"Of course! Anything for my good pal!"

They teleported away to Zoisite's old house.

"Whelp, here it is! Casa de Zoisite!" Zoisite told him.

Jadeite looked at the broken down hot pink trailor.

"Are you sure this is an upgrade from the dumpster?" he asked.

"HEY!" Zoisite yelled. "Here, it looks better inside."

They went in. There were ten homeless squators living in there.

"Shoo!" demanded Zoisite, shooing them out. They all scattered.

Jadeite tripped on a knocked over refrigerator. "OOF!" he yelled, falling in something soft and sticky. It was a giant spider web!"

"YAAAAA!" screamed Jadeite. He struggled as much as he could, but he was stuck.

"I'll get you out!" cried Nephrite, shooting a giant energy blast and blowing up Jadeite. The web was unaffected.

A giant spider crawled towards him. "This is the end!" he cried.

Zoisite warped him two feet away, so he was no longer in the web. "You need to chill out," he said. "That's just Martin. His whole family lives here."

"How many other spiders are in his whole family?" Nephrite asked.

Red eyes glowed throughout the house. "A bunch!"

A huge tidal wave of spiders crashed down, seconds after they teleported outside.

Once outside, they heard gunshots.

"This seems like a bad neighborhood," said Jadeite.

"Of course! They don't call it Mafia Central for no reason," Zoisite told him.

"I think I'm going to have to keep my options open," Jadeite said, trying not to offend Zoisite.

"WHAT!? HOW DARE YE!" Zoisite tried to shove him back in the house, but Kunzite pulled him back. "BUT LOOK AT THIS SEXY HOT PINK PAINT I PUT ON!" cried Zoisite. "That took me like a week! You know you wanna live here!"

Jadeite just shook his head. "The kids from school will make fun of me!"

"They made fun of me too," said Zoisite, shrugging. "That's why I killed them."

"Yeah, we should get going," said Nephrite.

"No way! Wanna see where I buried the kids from school?"

They all teleported away, leaving Zoisite to reminisce his old casa.

"Good times... goooood times..."

Zoisite caught up to them in the teleportation stream.

"Ok, hold on," he tried again. "I'll bet you'll like my older house even better!"

"NOOOO PLEASE!" cried Jadeite. But Zoisite already teleported them.

"HEY!" yelled Nephrite. "THIS IS MY HOUSE!"

"I don't see your name on it!"

"OOO, this place looks nice!" Jadeite said. "I could stay here for a while."

"Hahahahah no no nonb on on on onn n no noon noooooooo," Nephrite said. "Let's try somewhere else."


"Wow, this place is comfy!" said Jadeite, checking out the apartment they were showing him.

"I could see myself crashing on this sofa!" he exclaimed. He laid down on it, getting settled in.

"So, want us to get you a moving van?" Kunzite asked.

"No, I don't own anything."

"Awww," said Nephrite.

Just then, the door swung open, and Mamoru Chiba walked in with groceries.

"HEY!" he cried. "WHY ARE YOU FOOLS IN MY HOUSE AGAIN!?"

"Oh hey Mams," they said. "We sold your apartment."

"Like hell you did!" he screamed, taking out a broom. He started beating them down. "Come on, shoo!" he said, pushing them out the door.

Before he could shove them out the door, they yelled "HAHA you can't throw us out, we already leave!" and teleported away.

Queen Beryl emerged from Mamoru's bedroom, just missing them.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE!?" cried Mamoru.

"Oh, hey Mams," she said, taking a bag of groceries he had just put down and taking off.

"I really need a security system!" he complained.


"Ok, this actually does seem like a nice one, and I don't just say that about any home!" said Jadeite.

"Cool!" said the Shitennou, taking off.

"WAIT!" he cried. "Don't you wanna stay for my house warming party?"

But they were already gone.

"Home sweet home!" Jadeite cried happily, prancing around his brand new home. "Time to meet my neighbors! And this time they aren't just opossums!"

His neighbor, Mr. Tomoe, emerged from his house.

"Why, hello there," said Mr. Tomoe, covered in blood.

"HELP ME!" yelled a young girl from inside the house.

"Ummm, what was that?" asked Jadeite, nervous.

"Oh, just my daughter," said Mr. Tomoe. "Kids these days, amiright?"

"Um, yeah..." said Jadeite, slowly backing away.

He sat down on his couch. But the screaming only picked up.

"I FEEL EVIL!" the little girl cried. The light shot out from the windows. Then, the girls voice dropped into a woman's voice, who screamed, "I AM AWAKENING! THE SILENCE WILL PREVAIL IN ONLY A FEW MORE YEEEARS! BRING ME PURE HEARTSSSSSSSSS!"

"Come on!" yelled Jadeite. "It's 2 AM!"

Then, there was really loud laughter coming from a man. "HAHAHAHHAHAHAhAHA!"

"IT'S NOT FUNNY!" Jadeite yelled out his window.

"No! Give Hotaru back!" a pink haired girl screamed from outside at a floating red haired woman.

She flew away, hair whipping the little girl and laughing hysterically.

"YOU WON'T GET AWAY WITH IT!" screamed female voices from inside.

"IT'S TOO LATE!" yelled the laughing man.

"I HAVE RISEN! THE MESSIAH OF SILENCE TAKES OVER NOOOOW!"

"Oh for Pete's sake!" screamed Jadeite. Jadeite put on his shoes and headed over there to give them a piece of his mind.

"DADDY!" screamed the little girl, then dropping back to the woman's voice who screamed, "YOUR DADDY WILL DIE!"

Jadeite climbed the stairs onto the front porch.

"ARE YOU HAPPY NOW, SAILOR MOON!?" screamed a deep girl's voice.

There was gagging and sobbing sounds.

Then there was a loud grumbling. "HURGNUGRH I'M PHAROAH 90!" the grumble grumbled.

"WHAT IS GOING ON IN THERE!?" screamed Jadeite, pounding on the door.

The red haired woman answered, "WE'RE BUSY!"

But she opened the door anyway. Before Jadeite could give her a piece of his mind, she was obliterated by a bright light.

"HEY! EXPLAIN YOURSELVES!" yelled Jadeite, barging in.

"NO! THE HOLY GRAIL IS GONE!" someone sobbed.

"I DON'T CARE!" screamed Jadeite. "IT'S TWO AM, THERE'S MORE IMPORTANT THINGS THAN YOUR HOLY WHATEVER!"

Jadeite stormed through the house, reaching a strange lab.

"Hmm, this house looked smaller from the outside," he noted.

"GIVE CHIBIUSA'S PURE HEART BACK!"

"NEVER! OMNOMNOM!" cried the crazy lady.

Jadeite finally spotted a woman having a wild internal conflict.

He saw Sailor Moon sobbing, along with her sailor friends pinned to a wall.

"I WILL TAKE OUT PHAROAH 90!" Sailor Saturn yelled, jumping into the scribbly blob.

"SO THAT'S THE GUY CAUSING ALL THIS RUCUS!" Jadeite yelled, following Sailor Saturn and leaping into the blob.

"IT'S 2 AAAAAAMMMMMMMM!" he cried as he battled the blob alongside Sailor Moon and Saturn.

But he got in the way of the Sailors' punches, and they lost to the blob.

Pharoah 90 yelled, "URNGURNNGUGU!" and spread the silence throughout the world. Everyone was turned into a statue.

"Finally, some peace and quiet!" yelled Jadeite. He hopped out of the blob, a job well done.

But when he emerged, he was a newborn child. "Ga ga goo goo?" he asked.

FIN