"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"
"Lovely, because we've been getting crystals for the past like twenty episodes," said Queen Beryl. "Your energy sources are useless to us now!"
"Gee, thanks!" said Jadeite, quite flattered. He murmured to himself, "What a relief! I didn't even have a new source of energy!"
"Where's that dimwhit Zoisite?" asked Queen Beryl.
Kunzite and Nephrite appeared.
"I SAID," said Queen Beryl. "WHERE'S ZOISITE!?"
Zoisite appeared, panting. "Sorry I'm late, Beryl! I got caught in traffic!"
"Traffic? Didn't you teleport here?"
"Alright, ya got me. I was just scamming Mamoru Chiba out of some Rice Crispie Treats."
"WTF, and you didn't bring me any?"
"I'm sorry, my queen. I ate them on the way here. That's why I was late."
"ANYWAY," said Beryl. "We have three of the rainbow crystals. The Sailors & Co. have the other two. You know how many more we need to get into our possession, right?"
There was an awkward silence.
"Wait, you want me to answer that? It wasn't just rhetorical?" asked Zoisite.
"Yes. I want you to tell me how many crystals we need."
"Can you not do simple math, Queen Beryl?" asked Zoisite.
"I can do simple math, I want to make sure you can!" screamed Beryl.
"Sounds to me like you're trying to cheat some math answers off me. Was this your homework problem?"
"ANSWER THE PROBLEM OR DIE, YOU DISOBEDIENT NERD!" Queen Beryl yelled.
Zoisite began desperately counting on his fingers, but got confused.
"Kunzite, tag in!" he cried.
"Uhhhhhm," said Kunzite, also desperately trying to count on his fingers.
Nephrite laughed. "Can you guys seriously not subtract from seven?"
"You think it's so easy," said Zoisite, "Why don't you do it?"
"Well ya see..."
"Can't anyone in here do simple subtraction?!" Beryl cried. "Didn't you fools take basic high school algebra?"
They all looked away, ashamed.
"DID YOU FOOLS EVEN GRADUATE HIGH SCHOOL!?"
They all looked away, ashamed.
"This is unacceptable!" Beryl scolded. "My subordinates must at least have a high school education!"
"But Queen Beryl!" objected Jadeite. "I was in high school when I joined the Negaverse, but there was no time to study! We had to take over the world ASAP!"
"Don't lie to me, you slacker!"
"Me?!" cried Jadeite. "A slacker?!"
"ME?! A SLACKER!?" Queen Beryl mocked.
Jadeite was sad.
"Don't come back until you get high school degrees!" Beryl yelled, throwing them out into the arctic.
"Why does she always do this?" complained Nephrite.
They showed up at the high school.
"We would like to register for high school," said Kunzite.
"Alright," said the guidance counselor, impatiently. "What are your names?"
"J. Dite," said Jadeite.
"Maxfield Stanton," said Nephrite.
"And how about you, young lady?" asked the counselor.
"Zoisite."
"What's your last name, Soyzite?"
"...My last name?"
"Your last name."
"Umm," said Zoisite. "What's a human last name I could use?" he asked the others.
"Stanton," said Maxfield.
"Alright, Stanton."
"Aww, I knew you guys looked like siblings!" said the counselor.
"WAIT NO-" cried Zoisite.
"And I am Kool Dude McGee," said Kunzite.
"Very well," said the counselor.
"But you can call me K.D."
"I'll remember that," said the guidance lady apathetically. "How old are you kids?"
"1026."
"14."
"Is this the test?!"
"19."
"28."
"37."
"Stop saying numbers," said the counselor. "Alright, so you'll have to take the high school placement exam..."
"Why?" objected Kunzite. "Can't you tell I'm old enough to just get into high school?"
"No. No adult would dye their hair such a ridiculous color."
Kunzite charged up a laster beam, but Zoisite stopped him. "He's not worth it!"
It was the day of the test. They didn't really study. Their practice books were untouched.
The tests were handed out.
Kunzite read the first question. "Billy Joe has three apples. Billy Joe's enemies have two apples. There are seven total apples. How many more apples must Billy Joe collect to not be slaughtered by Queen Beryl?"
Kunzite closed his test book, and got up.
"This test is below me," he said, walking out the door.
There was silence, but then Kunzite poked his head back in. "I AM LORD KOOL DUDE! CHECK OUT ME CAPE!"
"SILENCE!" yelled the instructor, banishing him.
The others continued their test.
Nephrite began talking during the test. "Everything is ruled by the stars. Stars, what is the answer to number 1? How many apples does Billy Joe need?"
The stars held up two fingers.
"Sweet!" he yelled.
"Hey!" yelled the teacher. "Is that some sort of cheating device?"
"What?" he cried. "No! That's just the stars."
"I'm going to have to confiscate that until the end of the test."
The teacher put the stars in his desk drawer. Nephrite was at a loss.
Zoisite sent Nephrite a telepathic message to his mind.
"Hey man, what's the answer to number three? I've narrowed it down to either C or A, what did you put?"
"Go away," Nephrite mentally replied. "Stay out of my head!"
"TELL ME THE ANSWER!"
"NO! THAT'S CHEATING!" Nephrite thought back loudly.
"But no one has to know!" whined Zoisite in his mind.
"It's the principle of the thing!"
"Grrr..." said Zoisite out loud. "HEY JADEITE!" he sent out telepathically. "WHAT DID YOU GET FOR NUMBER THREE?"
"Who said that?" yelled the instructor. "Who's in my head?"
"Shit," said Zoisite. "I must have misfired."
"The voices are acting up again!" the teacher started crying. "I DON'T WANNA GO BACK TO THE FUNNY FARM!"
"Zoisite, stop doing that!" Nephrite whispered loudly.
"Then tell me the answers!" he whispered back, as the teacher ran around spazzing.
"NO!"
Zoisite tried to grab his paper. Nephrite slugged him. They tackled each other to the floor and wrestled it out.
Meanwhile, Jadeite worked diligently.
The teacher seemed to have overcome her mental battle, and turned back to the class.
Zoisite and Nephrite jumped in their seats hastily.
"Mr. and Ms. Stanton! Cut it out!" yelled the teacher. "This isn't the time for sibling squabbles!"
Nephrite tried to resume his test.
"OOOLOOOLOOO!" Zoisite yelled in his head. "IF I CAN'T PASS THIS, NO ONE CAN!"
"STOP IT!" he screamed out loud, in the silent room.
"Maxfield, do we have a problem?"
"No," said Maxfield, furiously.
As he talked it out with the teacher, Zoisite made another go at looking at his answers. He got a quick glimpse of Nephrite's blank paper, before getting shoved by him to the floor.
"Hey!" he yelled, shooting fire. Nephrite dodged, and it burnt Jadeite's paper.
"NO!" Jadeite cried. "I was almost finished my persuasive essay!"
"Mr. Dite!" cried the teacher, looking at the burnt scraps of paper. "You have done nothing all hour! You'll never pass!"
"THAT'S WHERE YOU'RE WRONG!" Jadeite yelled passionately. He tried to piece it back together, but it crumpled to ashes. Jadeite started to cry.
The teacher just rubbed her head, and gave him the next section. "Start on the history essay," she told him.
"Oh boy, eZ!" Jadeite exclaimed. "I've been around for all recorded history! This'll make up for my lack of the first three sections of this test!"
He wrote an epic essay on the great Moon Kingdom raid of 1812 B.C., and turned in his paper.
Meanwhile, Nephrite and Zoisite had teamed up out of desperation, and were still arguing if number 3 was A or C.
"But Nephrite!" Zoisite exclaimed mentally. "Two plus two is clearly five!"
"No, it's not!" Nephrite screamed (telepathically.) "It's six!"
"WHERE ARE YOU GETTING THAT?!"
"Look at my long division, you clearly get six!"
"But my factoring has brought it to a solid 5.33333333, which I rounded to five."
"When in doubt, 'C' it out!" Nephrite exclaimed.
"Times up!" yelled the teacher.
"Did you put down five?" asked Zoisite.
"I left it blank," said Nephrite.
The instructor scanned their papers for one second, and threw them out.
Nephrite and Zoisite gasped.
Then she read Jadeite's. "What is this gibberish?"
"A perfect historical account!" Jadeite explained. "I know! I was there!"
"Don't sass me! Everyone knows there can't be life on the Moon!"
"Well there was! I saw it!"
"No!" said the teacher. "You need oxygen to survive!"
"Not when you have magic!"
"That's enough!" said the teacher, tearing up Jadeite's memoir/masterpiece.
They all left the room.
"I think we did pretty well," said Zoisite.
"Yeah," said Nephrite. "eZ A."
Jadeite just pouted.
They all gathered at the board to look at their grades with all the other students who had taken the high school placement test.
"Oh boy, a 30!" cried Usagi Tsukino.
"Oh boy, a 31!" cried Minako Aino.
"Suck it, Mina!" said Usagi.
Zoisite couldn't find his name for the longest time. Then he remembered to look under Stanton.
"Ha!" he yelled. "I beat you, Nephrite!"
"...No you didn't. You got a 12."
"Yeah, but you got a 13!"
"That's higher than a 12."
"I don't think so," Zoisite argued.
"Yes it is!" Nephrite said back. "If I have 13 apples, and you have 12 apples-"
"Shut up," said Zoisite.
"Where am I?" asked Jadeite. "I looked under Jade Ite, and Jedo, but I couldn't find it! Does anyone remember what alias I used?"
"No," answered Kunzite.
"Kunzite!" cried Zoisite. "You got a 0!"
"So?"
"So, you got put in special needs tutoring with us!"
"Wait, I found mine!" said Jadeite. "A SEVEN!?"
Everyone laughed.
"Hey, I still did better than you, 'K.D.'"
"I didn't try!"
"Exactly! eZ gg rekt kid!" J. Dite told him.
"Today, kids," said the teacher. "We're going to learn about the letter 'B'"
"Wow, this is a fast paced class," said Seiya.
"Yeah, we're going to have to study hard for this one!" agreed Jadeite.
"Ok, time for some math!" said the instructor.
"BOO!" said Usagi. Mina joined in. "BOOOOOOOO!"
Nephrite sighed. "Those girls are almost as annoying as the Sailor Scouts."
"Alrighty, class, so if we have three rainbow crystals..." the teacher went on.
Zoisite passed a note to Nephrite. "Maxfield Stanton = gayboy," it said, and it had a crudely drawn picture of Nephrite.
"Hey!" said Nephrite.
"HEY!" yelled the teacher. "If you're going to be passing notes, why don't you come read that in front of the class?"
Kunzite just sobbed quietly at being stuck in this class.
"I'd rather not," said Nephrite.
"GET UP HERE!"
He sighed. "Maxfield = gayboy."
"Thanks for sharing," said the teacher. "I'm glad you feel comfortable enough to tell us this information. Now sit down, clown."
Kunzite raised his hand. "Can I talk to you outside?"
"No. Speak now."
"Alright... I believe I have been placed in the wrong class. I'm a Lord, and I have a cape. I don't belong here."
"I agree," said the teacher. "This class is way too rigorous for you. Go across the street to the Pre-K!"
"URRRRRRRRRRRRGH!"
FIN
