A/N:
So, this chapter touches on a sensitive issue. I didn't feel it were right to just touch on it lightly as it's serious and felt like a short chapter wouldn't do justice. It is long and I felt like the sessions should have been tied together like so.
Your reviews are lovely, and I'm thankful people are still here reading.
The collateral damage of love
'The tragedy of life is what dies in the hearts and souls of people while they live'
- Albert Einstein
It was raining, and ironically that reflected her mood. She had got an emergency appointment with Dr Williams. She sat in silence waiting for him to invite her in, to listen and to help. With that, the door opened, and he greeted her with a smile. It was warm, friendly, and she felt safe.
'So', she started the conversation as she took a seat and took time to compose herself. Her heart, it felt tight, she needed to remind herself to breathe.
'So', he could sense her tension. Her body, it was closed, she was afraid. He had to take a delicate approach. She really wasn't okay today.
She acknowledged that he was waiting for her to continue, and so, in time, she did. 'Theres a school choir, for a few schools in the area. Waterloo road, many others and then John Fosters ...'
Straight away, he knew exactly why she had been this way. He felt the sudden need to save her from any further explanation. 'That's the school that Eddie works at, right?'.
Shifting her eyes to the window she let out a quiet reply, 'Yes'.
'How do you feel?', he followed her gaze to the window. It was raining, hard. There was something always so transfixing about the rain.
'I'm not ready', a small tear trickled from her eye and she left it, she didn't even attempt to hide it like last time.
She was really struggling, but she was becoming more open. She was trusting him. He shifted slightly in his chair and cleared his throat before continuing, 'What are you not ready for?'.
'I can't, I can't see him. I can't see him like this. I'm a mess'. She just about finished her sentence before the rest of the tears engulfed her. Today, she needed a tissue, and so, when Dr Williams offered, she accepted.
He gave her a while. 'Do you think he would like to see you?'.
'Yes', he only just caught her reply as it was muffled by tears.
'How do you know?'. He knew the answer to that one already. He wanted to see her, desperately. It was the first case that he'd had where he had to be careful. He'd dealt with marriages, family disputes etc, but nothing like this. Ex lovers, and they had absolutely no idea they were seeing the same psych. This had been new to him, and he was finding it a challenge.
'I just know. I don't want him to know I'm struggling. I don't want to have to ask about his life. I don't want to know about the baby'. She'd said too much, again. Just as she was feeling safe, she had approached dangerous waters.
'Rachel, I know it's hard and I know we've only touched on it briefly but there's an awful lot of resentment for Eddie and Melissa's child, why?', he didn't mean to come over as frustrated but he had an urge to push and push until she cracked. It was wrong. It wasn't being a professional.
'I - I don't think I can talk about it', she spoke softly. She knew she had to tell him. It was doing no good to keep it bottled away, but she was stubborn. She hoped it would go away, in time.
'You can't?'. He had to try .. one last time. She couldn't keep it a secret forever, she'd have to tell him
'It's too much. Please just trust me I'm not ready'. For the first time, she became hostile. He wasn't listening and that was his job, to listen.
'Okay'
Patience.
. . .
After the traumatic experience of yesterday's session with Rachel, he thought to cancel with Eddie today, but that wasn't fair. Eddie needed help too.
So, here he was. Round two, and he was losing his mind.
'There's a choir'. Eddie had always been easier to talk to. He was open and to the point.
'A choir?', Dr Williams asked. This was draining. He had known exactly what was happening, but he had to pretend, and this was a nightmare.
'Some choir competition, you know, within the schools. Waterloo road will be there'. He had checked, as soon as he had finished the conversation with Ruby, he rushed to his office and opened the email.
'Will she be there?'. Truth was, he didn't know. He expected her there, to support the kids, that was who she was.
'Yeah'. He had hope. Dr Williams wasn't so sure.
'How do you feel?', he questioned Eddie hoping the session would go more smoothly.
'God, I don't know. I have so many questions, but it's not the place. I'm so afraid she'll run. I'm so desperate for her to talk'. Anger. He felt anger. He wanted her to stop running from reality.
Dr Williams pressed another matter. 'How do you think her husband would react?'.
Frowning, he replied, 'React to what?.
'Her seeing you again?', his eyes met Eddie's and he could see confusion. Had he really not thought about that?
'I hadn't really thought about it'.
. . .
'How do you think Adam would react to you seeing Eddie again?'. Adam. She'd been cruel to him the other day. She still hadn't apologised, and she knew she had to.
'I think he'd be fine. He doesn't know too much. He's not like that. He's a good person. He just wants me to be happy', he couldn't read her again. Was she lying? He didn't think he was a nasty person, but to be fine with Eddie, really?
'Would he sacrifice his own happiness for your own?'. Silence fell again. This was becoming the norm in these sessions.
'What do you mean?', she was unsure. What did he mean by that? Ironically she did that to him, sacrificing her own happiness.
Resting his hand under his chin, he spoke with confidence, 'If you were to see Eddie again and feelings would be reappear, would he mind you contacting him further? To me, Rachel, Eddie is your happiness'.
He thought she may have denied his statement, but she did not. 'I wouldn't do that'.
'Why not?'.
'Eddie is happy. Adam is happy. My happiness will come in time'. Happiness will come in time? What was she waiting for exactly?
'How do you know that?', he'd been referring to Eddie being happy, and she knew that.
'Er, I don't'.
. . .
'Eddie, you're so desperate to talk and I understand, but surely if she's ignored your message once then-'
'Then what? I should just give up?', Eddie grunted. He had found it strange that Dr Williams was so against his happiness.
'No, but you're hurting yourself, surely you can see that?'. Eddie took a moment to reply, he wanted to give him an honest statement, but was afraid he'd shoot him down.
'I know she's not okay'. It hurt him to admit that to himself.
'How do you know she isn't okay?'.
. . .
The rain, it hit heavier, and she felt the tears coming. 'I'm falling apart. I can't carry on'.
. . .
'Melissa, does she ever talk about Rachel?'. They had talked little about Mel today. It was almost as though she had been forgotten, it was strange.
'She's quick to change the subject', Eddie showed no emotion. Truth was, they never talked about her. Mel lived in fear that her sister would come back and steal Eddie.
'Does she feel guilty?'.
'She blames me. Says it's my fault for her and Rachel not speaking?'. Dr Williams took a mental note and took comfort at looking at the floor. For the first time, he didn't really know what to say.
'Ah'.
. . .
'Maybe it's a bad idea'. She'd stopped crying, well for now. She hadn't cried this much since that day. That awful day.
'What is?', he quizzed. He had been surprised that she hadn't picked up her things and left, again.
'Me going to the competition, maybe I should find some excuse'. He was pleasantly shocked at how open she was being, she was a different person today. Emotional but she was opening up to him. It started bad, but it was getting easier.
'If you don't want to go, then don't go'. He answered with a simple answer, and frankly, if she didn't want to go then she shouldn't go.
'But the kids .. they'll be expecting me to go, they've worked so hard-'. He cut in, again, and stated the obvious, 'Rachel, stop making excuses'.
. . .
Dr Williams and Eddie sat in silence. It wasn't uncomfortable, but it wasn't a usual part of their session. He waited for Eddie. He had to let him talk in his own time.
. . .
'What are you afraid of Rachel? Please no more excuses, I'm here to help you. Please, let me help you'.
HELP. That's what she needed. Something had triggered inside her. She was desperate to be better. So Desperate that she had let someone else in on her secret.
Within seconds, rain hammered on the window, tears cascaded, and her face fell into her hands.
'The ba - baby, it should have been mine. It - it should have been mine. Mine'.
He had so many questions. Hers? What did she mean by that? He had to take a moment to think how he would approach this. She was in a state.
After not hearing anything, she thought he must have thought she was crazy. And like before, she gathered her things quickly and made her escape.
'Rachel, please stay, you shouldn't drive like that. We don't have to talk, just give yourself 5 minutes. Ra-'.
She was gone. This was dangerous. She was unstable. He was terrified for her state of mind.
. . .
Five whole minutes had passed. Eddie, he shifted in his seat and tried to find a comfortable position. He needed to be ready for this. 'It was a lot for her'.
'What was? I mean I understand with you and Mel and the baby, but ... did she ever think the baby should have been hers?'. Stopping dead in his tracks, Dr Williams shifted his body uncomfortably. He'd said too much.
'Think the baby should have been hers?'. Eddie was confused. Where had the Dr got that assumption from? That was a strange statement to make. He was unsure whether he should carry on, but he knew he had to tell someone.
'Holly was a sore subject and will always be, but she should have never been 'hers'. Rach, she er, she should have had a baby of her own'. Dr Williams froze. A baby of her own.
'A baby of her own? I don't understand'. Eddie could see the Dr was fully engaged in this conversation as he shot up in his chair and looked at him, searching for answers.
'The day before Melissa returned, Rachel, she'd found that she'd miscarried'. Sadness. His soul had been ripped from him, sending him into darkness. The second child taken from him.
Bewildered by the statement, the Dr didn't know how to feel. Regaining his professionalism, he continued, 'I'm sorry'.
He was sorry. He was sorry for their loss. Sorry for pushing. Sorry for not stopping when she'd pleaded. Sorry that he didn't stop her driving home in the spiralling state that she was in.
'It still haunts me. Nine weeks. Children .. we'd never spoke about it. It was a surprise. We could have done it, we could have been parents. It was awful, she cried .. all night, in private. She shut me out. I - I'm sorry, I just can't'. A tear. Eddie had felt a tear. He couldn't carry on.
'It's okay. I won't push you, Eddie. We don't have to talk. You can use the silence to mourn'.
Silence fell.
. . .
Thirty years experience in this field and he had become so engrossed in their lives. He felt apart of their lives. It hit him. That was the grenade and everything else was just collateral damage.
