"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"
Queen Beryl sighed loudly. "Do you think people will miss me when I'm gone?"
"Aww, what's got you down in the dumps, my Queen?" asked Jadeite.
"Oh, just the usual. Incompetent lackies, an unappreciative boss. Sometimes I feel like my life is going nowhere."
"But Queen Beryl! You're important to me!"
"Oh, great!" Queen Beryl groaned. "Now I feel complete! Knowing that Jadeite, the worst of the four, cares about me! HOW WONDERFUL!"
"Yeah, sure is!" Jadeite added, encouragingly.
"Jadeite?" began Queen Beryl.
"Yes, ma'am?"
"Don't ever change," said Beryl.
"Umm, Queen Beryl, you're scaring me," said Jadeite.
Queen Beryl just looked at him and smiled. Jadeite backed away slowly. Once he got out of her line of sight, he took off in a dead sprint.
Jadeite appeared at the hospital in a doctor's outfit and glasses.
"This plan of stealing energy from hospital patients can't possibly go wrong!" he announced out loud. A few nurses gave him a strange look, so he walked away.
He walked into a random hospital room. He approached the patient to take his energy.
"Oh, doctor!" cried the patient. "Please, put me out of my misery! I'm so out of energy, I can barely move!"
"With pleasure!" said Jadeite, going all evil looking and about to take energy.
Just then, the real doctor walked in.
"Hey, who are you?" he asked.
"Ummm..." began Jadeite. "I was just tranferred here, I'm Dr. Jay D. Ite, M.D.!"
"Woah!" said the doctor. "You're Dr. Jay D. Ite? THE Dr. Jay D. Ite!?"
"Huh?" Jadeite wondered. "I've only been here for a couple of minutes and I already have a reputation?"
"I thought you were still in Africa curing ebola!" the doctor exclaimed. "I'm honored to be in the presence of such a pro!"
"No, I think you have me confused," Jadeite began. But the doctor ignored him and the patient behind him who just flatlined.
"Guys, look! It's Dr. Jay D. Ite!"
"OMG OMG OMG!" yelled the other doctors running over. "I read all your books! You're the greatest!" they screamed, swarming Jadeite.
"No, no, no!" cried Jadeite, backing up against the wall. "This is all just a huge misunderstanding! What I meant to say was that I'm Dr. Jade I. Te!"
"Don't be ridiculous, Jay!" laughed one of the doctors. They kept shoving autograph books in his face.
Just then, a panicked surgeon ran into the room. "Did I here the great Dr. Jay D. Ite was on these premises?!"
"Why, yes!" they all answered, while Jadeite shook his head.
"Oh, it's a miracle! I was just about to perform this ridiculously impossible operation, but since he's here, he might actually be able to pull it off!"
"HA HA HA HA!" laughed Jadeite. "No way, Jose! I couldn't possibly!"
"He's so humble!" swooned the surgeon, passing out as the other doctors pushed Jay D. Ite into the surgery room.
"Have fun!" they yelled, slamming the door and locking it.
A crowd gathered outside the operating room, waiting anxiously.
"Save my child!" yelled a weeping parent.
"You can do it!" yelled Usagi.
"Search for your love!" yelled the Three Lights.
A popcorn vendor walked along, handing the audience buckets.
Jadeite started to sweat in panic. "Oh boy, I've really got myself in a pickle!" he panted. He searched the room for an escape. "I suppose I could teleport away, but that would ruin the whole energy stealing operation I spent five minutes on! I must go through with the surgery! But how!?"
He grabbed the first thing he could find. It was a stethoscope. He put it on and put the heartbeat censor on his own heart.
"This doesn't sound healthy!" he exclaimed. "I'll need to examine this further!"
He pulled out a shot and gave it to himself. "Ouch! But at least I won't get the flu!"
The patient moaned.
"Oh yeah right, the patient," he remembered. "I have a new plan. Hope for a miracle!"
Suddenly, a female doctor with short blue hair busted through the door.
"OH THANK GAWD!" Jadeite shouted in relief. "Someone's here to take over the surgery for me!"
The doctor approached him. "Hello, I'm Ami Mizuno! How may I be of assistance?"
"DO THE SURGERY!" Jadeite cried, falling to his knees in desperation.
"Oh, I can't. I'm just interning here to observe doctors at work. I'm not allowed to actually operate on the patients."
"WAAAA!" Jadeite screamed. "Then tell me what to do!"
"Are you testing me, obvious legitimate doctor?" Ami asked. "Fair enough. It's simple. First, dissect the pectoral gland-"
"Huh?" said Jadeite.
"It's next to the offulofagus!" she explained, laughing.
"Huh?" said Jadeite.
"Just use a magnetic spectrum assymetrical simulator!" she chuckled.
"Huh?" said Jadeite, holding out a Q-tip questioningly. "Is this it?"
"No," giggled Ami. "You're really a jokester, aren't you, Dr. Ite."
"Ha ha ha ha help me," Jadeite replied.
"STEP ASIDE!" yelled someone outside.
Jadeite turned to see the door swing open, as three doctors entered in surgical masks and hats.
"OH THANK HEAVENS! REAL DOCTORS!" cried Jadeite.
"Don't worry folks, we're Dr. Jay D. Ite's assistants. Nothing to worry about here!" the doctors said to the crowd as they closed the door.
The three doctors walked to his side. The doctor closest to him pulled down his surgical mask, revealing his face.
"Pssst, it's me, Nephrite!" said Nephrite, nudging Jadeite. "I'm here to save you!"
"Oh, thank goodness!" said Jadeite. "You brought these two real doctors with you to help out!"
Zoisite and Kunzite removed their masks. "No, it's just us!"
"We're doomed!" wailed Jadeite.
"Wait, so why were you stealing energy from sick people at a hospital?" Zoisite asked. "Wouldn't they have less energy?"
"Yes, but they would also have less fight in them!" he explained.
"Do you know these people?" Ami asked.
"No," answered Jadeite.
"Well, go ahead," urged Ami. "The patient isn't getting any healthier!"
"Yeah, go ahead!" said Jadeite. "You guys can make the first incision."
"I don't know about that," said Zoisite. "I'm pretty bad at making decisions, if I decided to come here and help you."
"Not decisions, incisions!" explained Ami.
"I love making incisions!" said Kunzite, pulled out a large sword.
"Nah, none of that," said Nephrite. "I've got this under control, don't you Zoisite?"
"Yeah, Jadeite, you've got this," Zoisite said, passing on the responsibility.
"No I don't- I mean, who's Jadeite?"
"You," all three stated.
"I thought you were Dr. Jay D. Ite?" Ami asked.
"Of course I am!" Jadeite exclaimed. "Wait, no I'm not! This is all a mistake!"
He tried to make a break for it, but Nephrite pulled him back. "I don't think so, buster. We still need that energy."
"Fine," said Jadeite. "Someone pass me an incision maker."
"You mean a scalpel?" asked Ami.
"Yeah, duh," said Jadeite.
She handed him a scalpel.
"Welp, here I go!" he announced, slowly bringing down the scalpel. "Oops!" he said, dropping it. He picked it up. He slowly brought it towards the patient again, hoping one of his friends would intervene. They just gave him the thumbs up.
He dropped it again. "Aww, these butterfingers!" He bent down to pick it up, but 'accidentally' fell and hit his head on the operating board. "Oh no! I'm dizzy! I can't operate under these conditions!"
"Quick!" cried Ami. "One of you, take Dr. Ite into the other room and operate on him! He doesn't look so good."
"He's fine!" insisted Zoisite, picking up the scalpel and putting it back in his hand.
"Are you sure?" asked Ami. "He doesn't seem conscious."
"I'll fix him," volunteered Kunzite, unsheathing his sword again.
Jadeite sprung to his feet. "Woah!" he screamed, throwing the scalpel across the room. "Sorry, muscle spasm."
He reluctantly picked it up again. "Wait, I can't operate without gloves!"
He pulled out a pair of gloves and started to put them on top of the Negaverse gloves he was already wearing.
"Oops, put them on the wrong hands!" he explained, throwing the pair out. He tried again. "Oops, tore this pair!"
They all face-palmed, including Ami.
"Oops, this one's inside out! Ya know, this is gonna take a while. Nephrite, you wanna tap in while I get this sorted out?" Jadeite asked.
Nephrite started to object, but Jadeite handed him the scalpel, and then took off and jumped into one of the medicine cabinets.
"Ouch, there's needles in here!"
"Welp, I guess I have to pay the bills somehow," Nephrite sighed. "But first, who wants to see a magic trick?"
"This isn't really the time," said Ami.
Nephrite held the scalpel in his hand, showing it to his audience of three people. Then, he put his hands together, and reopened them.
"Woah, it's gone! Where did it go?" he asked rhetorically.
"Where DID it go?" asked Ami, starting to get frustrated with the nearly dead patient.
"It's behind Zoisite's ear!" Nephrite exclaimed.
"Ah, get this thing away from me!" cried Zoisite, throwing it at Kunzite.
"Woah, hot scalpel!" Kunzite yelled, tossing it to Ami.
"No!" Ami cried. "I'm not licensed to touch this equipment!" She tossed it back to Nephrite.
Nephrite turned on music, and they began passing it around the circle. But then, Nephrite turned off the music once it was in Zoisite's hand.
"Aww, tough luck, pal!" he told him. "You better get to operating!"
"No, wait, that means I'm out!" said Zoisite. "It's between you and Kunzite now!"
"What is this, Australian rules?" asked Kunzite.
Nephrite and Kunzite passed it back and forth, but since Nephrite was in charge of the music, it was no contest. Nephrite eliminated himself, and Kunzite took to the stand.
He held the scalpel above the patient.
"Don't kill him, now," Jadeite instructed from inside the cabinet.
Kunzite mumbled something at Jadeite and turned back to his operation. He began to sweat. "I only know how to kill! This is too much pressure!"
He searched desperately for an excuse. "You know, I can't operate on an empty stomache! I better go get some snacks! CYA!"
He left the operating room.
"Did he make it!?" cried the patient's mother when he emerged.
"Beats me," said Kunzite, shrugging. He went and stood by the snack machine, pretending to be indecisive about what to get.
"Whelp, it's just you and me, Zoisite!" said Nephrite. "You know, I just remembered, I left my car on!" Nephrite exclaimed, running out of the room.
Zoisite stood dumbfounded with the scalpel.
"Hmmm, I dissected a frog once in high school, but then again that was a thousand years ago. Oh well, this can't be too different!"
"Be careful!" cried Jadeite from the cabinet, as he heard the motor of a chainsaw turn on.
Kunzite finally got scolded for taking so long in line, and had to choose a snack. He walked back into the operating room, eating a bag of Cheetos.
"Is the operation over yet?" he asked. But then he slipped on blood and his Cheetos all fell out.
"OH DEAR GAWD!" he cried at the scene. "My Cheetos are covered in blood!" Then he shrugged. "Five second rule!" he reasoned, continuing to eat his Cheetos off the floor regardless.
Meanwhile, Zoisite sat in the corner shaking. "I took everything out, but I don't know how to put it back!" he cried.
Ami was desperately searching through the manual, looking for answers. "They didn't teach us this in my Junior High!" she sobbed.
Jadeite peaked his head out to see the progess. "WHAT THE-" he became sick and had to slam the cabinet door shut. "WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY!"
Nephrite drove his car in through the wall. "I can't figure out how to turn this thing off!" he told them. Then he looked at the seen before him. He slowly backed his car out of the operating room, and drove away.
Kunzite finally finished his Cheetos, and looked up. "Woah, great job, Zoisite! You really have a knack for this kind of thing! If we ever get fired from the Negaverse, you should go to med school!"
Zoisite continued to rock back and forth.
"Wait," Ami cried in horror. "You never went to med school?!"
"Of course not," said Kunzite, "None of us have!"
"OH MY GAWD!" Ami shrieked. "YOU MEAN, YOU DIDN'T KNOW WHAT YOU WERE DOING WHEN YOU TOOK ALL OF THIS MAN'S ORGANS OUT!?"
"Well duh," Jadeite said through the cabinet. "Wasn't it obvious?"
"Omg." said Ami. She began to have a panic attack. "Omg. Omg. Omg. Omg." She started running in circles. She slammed herself into the wall, falling backwards. She tried to stumble back to her feet, but accidentally put her hand on the patient's still beating heart that was laying on the floor. "OMG. OMG. OOOOOMG."
She started pulling her hair out and spouting gibberish. "AWDGAWEGWAEGEJHJAEWALG AWJEGJAWEJGWLEG WEGWAJEG JKWAG LWEG WE!"
She crawled up the wall and her head spun around.
"What's up with her?" Kunzite asked, only mildly concerned.
There was a knock on the door. "How's it going?" someone asked.
Ami threw up onto the door, blocking up the only window.
"Looks like it's going well," a nurse reassured.
"So, are we done here?" Kunzite asked. "He seems ok."
"Put him back together!" cried Jadeite.
"Ummm, ok?" said Kunzite, picking up the organs and stuffing them back in. "Alright, he's back together."
The patient didn't move.
"Hey buddy, you there?" Kunzite asked, nudging him. "Wakey wakey!"
"Pour some water on him," suggested Jadeite.
Kunzite splashed some cold water in the man's face, but he had no reaction. "Huh. This guy is out cold," Kunzite stated.
Zoisite finally snapped. "I TOOK YOU OUT OF THIS WORLD, I'LL PUT YOU BACK IN IT!"
He grabbed the Jaws of Life and slammed them on the guy's chest. "CLEAR!"
"IT'S NOT WORKING!" Jadeite yelled, peaking out again.
"CLEAR! CLEAR! CLEAR!" Zoisite cried, but it still wasn't working.
"Have you tried turning him on and off again?" Kunzite asked.
"WAKE UP!" Zoisite screamed, blasting him with random magic.
"Woah, Zoisite, calm down," said Kunzite. "This isn't your fault."
"CLEEEEEEAR!" Zoisite shot him with a giant energy blast, which threw him straight out the door of the operation room, into the crowd.
Everyone in the hospital gasped.
"Uh oh," said Zoisite, still hovering above the ground.
"YOU GUYS AREN'T DOCTORS!" screamed a random doctor.
"Yes we are!" objected Jadeite. "I'm Dr. Jay D. Ite!"
"No, I'm Dr. Jay D. Ite!" said a doctor, pushing the crowd out of the way.
"Uh oh," said Jadeite.
"GET THOSE PHONIES!" screamed a random.
"Welp, this plan was a bust," Kunzite said plainly. "So anyway, I AM LORD KUNZITE OF THE DARK KINGDOM!"
He charged up an energy blast and aimed it at the crowd.
"WAIT!" said a voice.
Everyone stood back in awe as the man who had been operated on rose to his feet.
"I'm cured! These men saved my life!" he told the crowd.
They all gasped in shock.
"But how?!" asked the real Dr. Jay D. Ite. "They're not even real doctors!"
"Beats me, but I had an incredibly rare condition that required all my organs being removed and put back randomly! And they pulled it off!"
"Good game," said Zoisite, bowing.
"THESE GUYS ARE MIRACLE WORKERS!" someone from the crowd screamed.
"THAT MAN COULDN'T EVEN WALK OR SEE BEFORE THEY OPERATED ON HIM, AND NOW HE CAN WALK AND SEE!" someone else shouted.
Jadeite and Kunzite bowed as well.
"You must use your miracles to help more people!" a doctor told them. "There's much healing to be done!"
"I think we've done enough for today," Jadeite told them proudly, dusting off his hands.
The three Shitennou turned and walked out of the hole Nephrite's car made, and into the sunset.
"A job well done," Jadeite told his comrades. "A job well done."
"Hey, we forgot the energy," Kunzite remembered.
"Perhaps we got something greater than energy," Jadeite said, beaming.
"Queen Beryl's probably going to kill us when we get back though," Zoisite laughed, patting him on the back.
Jadeite laughed too.
"No, I'm serious. She said this was our last try."
"We'll cross that bridge when we get there," Jadeite chuckled.
"What does that even mean?" Zoisite asked.
They continued into the sunset, leaving Ami still spazzing on the ground.
FIN
