A/N:
The italics are from what would have been a few scenes from episode 19 and 20, series 4 in this fic. Over time, there will be more flashbacks as well.
Many thanks to my loyal readers, and Lynny, I'm sorry to hear of your loss, it's a very difficult thing for anybody to have to go through x
Please enjoy.
The collateral damage of love
It. Was. Time.
Her mouth felt dry, and she felt herself not wanting to drain her body of any more energy. Still, remaining professional, she had to find out what had happened. 'Matt'.
He took a seat on one of the secretary's tables in her office and continued, 'Finn, a lad of mine, he er, he was winding the kids up. Bolton, he stepped forward to take Finn on. They had a scrap and Matt got involved. He stepped in and well, he had to go to A&E'. He watched as she winced and brought her hand to her mouth closing her eyes in disbelief.
'Oh God', she whispered.
Eddie picked up on her fear, and spoke, 'I think he'll be okay'.
Moving her hand from her mouth, she rested it on her forehead before darting her eyes away from his. 'This is all my fault, if I hadn't had neglected them. I should have been there-'.
He took this moment to interrupt her, 'They probably would have started regardless, Rach'.
'No. I've let them down'. It was at this moment that she looked at him. He could see her eyes brimming with tears, he wanted nothing more to comfort her and give her reassurance, but he knew he'd be taking ten steps back.
'Why weren't you there? Was it me?'. Maybe he shouldn't have asked, but he needed to know. Did she not trust herself around him?
Silence dawned upon them, again.
. . .
'Rachel, I know you're hurting and confused. Please just open the door'. She sobbed as she heard his voice. He was gently knocking and encouraging her to open up. Her heart ached to let him in.
Her baby had gone. Just like that. Ripped from her before she had the chance to love.
. . .
'Please, just answer me. It's okay', he spoke softly and calmly. The last thing he wanted to do was to frighten her.
He gave her a minute, and then another.
Then, in three words, his heart broke.
'I'm not okay'. It was almost a whisper, but he heard.
He had always known, deep down in his heart, that she was not okay. That last day of term had broken her. There was no way she could have glued herself back together that quickly.
'I know you're not. I sent you a message'. She looked down, she had spotted that same little stain again. Guilt. She felt guilt wash over her, again.
'I know', she muttered, refusing to lift her eyes to his in fear of his sadness.
'You couldn't reply?', he sighed. He wasn't angry, he just wanted her to be open and honest with him.
'Eddie, I-', Rachel began, but it was short lived by him quickly butting in.
'Rachel, I'm hurting too'.
I'm. Hurting. Too.
They were both broken.
. . .
Watching the pupils swarm the playground in laughter and chatter, she almost felt happiness. Every cloud? The only positive from that day, maybe?
Melissa, she'd returned, pregnant.
She could sense him nearing her, she didn't even need to look.
He rested his hand on her shoulder and lightly brought her whole body in a little closer. She relaxed for a few seconds, warming under his touch. She forgot for a moment or two.
They stayed like that for a little while before he cleared his throat.
'I'm sorry'. He took her in, every inch. He savoured every second
She said nothing.
'I need to help her Rachel, you know, money and that. I won't have anything to do with the ba-'. Just as he was about to finish his sentence, she spun in his arms and shook her head.
'No. I won't ever stop you being a father. I would never do that to you. I seen what it did to you last time'.
'But Rach, I need you', his voice croaked. She could have sworn he were crying.
'Eddie', she addressed him for what would have been the last time. She took her hand and rested her palm on his cheek before raising her lips to his and pecking him softly.
The last kiss they'd ever share.
'Your child needs you', she whispered. Tearing herself away from him, she briskly walked away from her office, never once looking back.
. . .
She was angry. How could he know how she felt. He had Melissa, the baby and Phil. All she had was Adam. She knew she shouldn't have thought like that, but reality was, she was pretty much on her own. 'Eddie you still have a family. I have nothing, absolutely nothing!'.
Hearing the door creak open, a familiar figure emerged from behind and she felt her heart thump at an ungodly rhythm.
'Is that right?', Adam's voice brought her shivers.
Sh*t. How much had he heard?
'Adam, I didn't-', she knew she'd be fighting a losing battle here. He looked disappointed, sad and not to mention, angry.
Edging his way into the room, he took a moment to glare at Eddie. Truth be told, he hadn't heard the whole conversation, but he'd heard enough.
'You've said what you've said. Maybe you need to be on your own', he turned to leave.
'Aw Adam, I need to-', in a panicked tone she tried to follow him out of the room.
She glared at Eddie and spoke, 'I need to go'.
He reached out to her, grabbing her at the waist. She gasped. She hadn't meant to. He stared directly into her eyes, he was searching, searching for the answers he needed. He surprised himself with how forward he'd been. 'Rach, please', he spoke with desperation.
'Eddie, I need to go. I need to be with my husband. Now please, if you'll excuse me'. Gently pushing him away and wiping the tears from her eyes, she made her way to the door in a matter of seconds. On reaching the top of the stairs, she held onto the banister and took a moment to breathe. This was a mess.
