"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"
"What is it?" Queen Beryl asked.
"It's this holiday that the humans celebrate, called 'Christmas!'"
"NO!" shrieked Beryl. "Don't even say that word around me!"
"What?" asked Jadeite. "You don't want me to say 'Christmas?'"
"JADEITE I'LL KILL YOU IF YOU SAY IT AGAIN!"
"You mean 'Christmas?'" he asked.
She tried to kill him but he fled. "I hate that holiday!" Beryl screamed once he was gone.
"I don't know what Queen Beryl's beef is!" Jadeite complained in the Nega Cafeteria.
Kunzite took a bite of fruit cake. "I don't know," he replied, spitting out the fruit cake. "This tastes awful!"
"Maybe something bad happened to her on Christmas," Nephrite figured.
"Maybe she's just a prick," suggested Zoisite.
"Both are very plausible options," Kunzite replied, contemplating what Beryl's beef was.
"Either way, I find it funny that an Earth holiday would piss her off so much. Sounds like she's just mad that Santa keeps bringing her coal," Zoisite said, laughing at his own joke.
"I'd watch what you say about her," Jadeite said nervously. "You never know when she's watching us!"
"Psshhhhhh," Zoisite scoffed. "She never watches me!"
Kunzite took a bite of a gingerbread cookie. "This is stale," he said, spitting it out.
"Aww, where's your holiday cheer, Kunzite?" Jadeite asked. "Wait, I've got it! We can make Queen Beryl not hate Christmas so much, if we show her how fun it is!"
"Where could that possibly go wrong?" Kunzite asked sarcastically.
"Exaclty!" said Jadeite.
"Are you going to eat that gingerbread?" Nephrite asked Kunzite.
He wasn't going to, but he didn't want Nephrite to have it so he ate the stale gingerbread.
"Why should we go out of our way to make Beryl enjoy Christmas?" Zoisite asked. "We don't even celebrate that here. Why should we care?"
"I guess you don't remember what happened last Christmas," Kunzite said, showing everyone a flash back.
It was Christmas morning in the Negaverse, one year ago.
"Good morning, Queen Beryl!" said Jadeite merrily, skipping into her throne room in a Santa hat. "Merry Christmas!"
Queen Beryl shot him with an energy blast and killed him.
Nephrite came in after Jadeite was obliterated. "Queen Beryl, you're going to like the decorations I put up!" he said, gesturing to a small Christmas tree he put near the door.
Queen Beryl lit it on fire. Nephrite began to sob. Queen Beryl lit Nephrite on fire. Nephrite and the tree were no more.
Kunzite and Zoisite were in their own castle, about to kiss under the mistletoe. But then they looked up, and realized the mistletoe had been replaced with a nuclear bomb. They exploded, as did their castle.
Queen Beryl admired her work, then left to furiously snap candy canes in half.
"Oh yeah how could I have forgotten that time I died again," Zoisite wondered. "Queen Metalia was pretty mad when she had to bring us back a third time."
"So you see why we have to make her not hate Christmas, right?" said Kunzite.
"Suuuuuuuure."
"Maybe we should just find the root of the problem and then-" began Nephrite, but he got cut off as they all warped to Beryl's throne room.
"Good, she's not here," said Jadeite.
"Where could she possibly be?" asked Zoisite. "Like where else does she have to go?"
"I don't know or care, because now we can DECORATE!" Jadeite said happily.
He set to hanging flashing lights all over her thrown. He replaced her crystal ball with an ornament. He hung a bunch of bows and wreaths on the Negaverse pillars all around their cave.
Kunzite and Zoisite struggled to set up a tree. By the time they could get real trees down there, they withered away and died. So they settled for a store bought tree. But then, they had to assemble it.
"These branches won't connect to the base!" Zoisite cried.
"You're supposed to stick them in these holes," Kunzite tried to explain, holding the directions upside down.
"THEY DON'T FIT!" Zoisite wailed.
Nephrite slowly and steadily cut out a bunch of paper snowflakes, to hang from the palace ceiling.
"Stop spending so much time on them," said Jadeite.
"NO!" Nephrite replied, offended. "Every snowflake is supposed to be unique. Paper snowflakes are no different!"
Kunzite and Zoisite had finally got the tree to stand up.
"It's lopsided," said Zoisite.
"No way," Kunzite disagreed.
"Look, it's like tilting way over in this direction," Zoisite told him.
Kunzite just shook his head. "Some of the best things in life tilt, like the Leaning Tower of Piza! And the Titanic!"
"You have a point," agreed Zoisite. He walked away from the tree, but it kept bugging him that it was slightly on an angle.
"I CAN'T TAKE IT!" he cried, running over to straighten it out. He gently nudged it to the other side, and all the branches fell off and all the pine needles fell off the branches.
"WAAAAA!"
Nephrite climbed up on a ladder to hang his snowflakes.
"Looking good!" Jadeite reassured him.
"Are you sure these are equally spaced?" Nephrite asked for the tenth time.
"Yes, Nephrite. I measured it out, just like you asked."
"Good, good, we're making progress," Nephrite said happily. "Now move my ladder over 3.5 more millimeters..." But Jadeite moved it over 3.6 millimeters and it toppled over, sending Nephrite flying.
Suddenly, a door swung open loudly.
"Grrr, Christmas sux!" Beryl yelled, stomping in because she thought she was alone.
"She's here!" Jadeite whispered loudly.
Kunzite snapped his fingers, and all the lights turned on.
"WTF IS THIS!?" screamed Queen Beryl.
"We decorated your throne room for Christmas!" they all said in unison. "Aren't you overjoyed?"
"WAAAA!" Beryl shouted furiously. She pulled out a large mallet, and started wacking the tree.
"Wait!" cried Kunzite. "You just balanced it out!"
She hit it again, causing it to disintegrate.
"Awww," Kunzite and Zoisite said sadly.
She shot fire up towards the ceiling, burning Nephrite's snowflakes, and causing them to fall down in a blizzard of flames.
"TAKE COVER!" yelled Jadeite.
"I CAN'T LEAVE MY SNOWFLAKES!" Nephrite cried.
But then Beryl began firing torpedos at them. They all had to flee, and they hid inside the giant present decoration.
Queen Beryl opened the present.
"Surprise..." said Nephrite, nervously. "You found us!
Queen Beryl flooded the box with lava. They all had to teleport away.
They appeared directly behind her, and she turned around.
"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"
Queen Beryl pulled out a giant sharpened candy cane, and charged them to kill them. But she suddenly stopped.
"Actually," she began, "It is I who have found a new source of energy!"
"How dare you!" said Jadeite. But then he shut up and looked away like he hadn't said anything.
She threw him in the lava.
"So anyway, I want you four to go around and take the Christmas presents of EVERY CHILD ON EARTH!"
"Why?!" Kunzite asked.
"BECAUSE I SAID SO! And because they will cry and be devastated, and then we will jump in and steal the energy of their sorrow!"
He cringed. "Ok! You didn't have to yell at me! :("
They went to start taking presents, went Queen Beryl stopped them.
"I've changed my mind. You fools are too incompetent for an important mission such as this. I'll just send my Youma army. Go sit in your rooms and think about what you did."
"But we didn't do anything!" cried Nephrite.
She threw Nephrite in the lava.
Then, she dragged the four of them into one room, that didn't belong to any of them, and locked them in to contemplate their actions.
"Ha," said Zoisite, after she left. "I still have my cellphone!"
Queen Beryl opened the door and took Zoisite's cellphone.
"Waaaa!"
"This sucks," said Jadeite. "It's Christmas Eve, and we're locked in here as Queen Beryl steals the presents of everyone on Earth!"
"Yeah," agreed Nephrite. "I mean we're evil, but not that evil!"
"Don't we want to destroy the world?" asked Zoisite.
"That's besides the point!" Jadeite cried passionately. "This isn't fair! Queen Beryl always ruins our Christmases, and now she's going to ruin everyone else's as well!"
"Just for once I wanted to have a nice Christmas with Molly," Nephrite complained.
"Screw Molly," said Zoisite.
"You know, Zoisite," said Kunzite. "I made plans for us to have Christmas dinner at a fancy restaurant, and then Beryl called them up and said we were too gay to make it and that they should charge us anyway but not serve us."
"SHE WAT!?" Zoisite cried. "That settles it. Let's go stop Beryl!"
"We can't just sabotage her," said Kunzite. "If Queen Metalia doesn't get any energy, she'll get all uppity and call me a loser again. And my ego can't take that."
"Maybe we can take another kind of energy from children!" suggested Jadeite.
They all huddled up, as Jadeite whispered the plan.
The four of them appeared at the first house.
"Time to stop Beryl's army from taking their presents!" Jadeite announced.
But it was already too late. All the presents were gone. The Youmas had left them a note that said "Lol rekt."
"Uh oh, it's too late," Nephrite realized.
"What a shame," said Zoisite.
They all warped home, defeated.
But as they walked towards the North Pole entrance to the Negaverse, they spotted a building in the distance.
"That wasn't there before," Kunzite stated plainly.
They rushed over to see what it was. It turned out to be Santa's Workshop!
"Should we go in?" Jadeite asked.
"I don't see why not," the others decided.
They marched up to the large entrance gate, and banged on the door.
Mrs. Claus answered. "Hello, aren't you those kids from across the street, who are always ending up on the naughty list?"
"There's no time for that!" yelled Nephrite. "Queen Beryl stole everyone's presents to make a bunch of kids cry! We need to bring them more presents, ASAP!"
"I'm sorry boys, but Santa already made his run around the world. He's all tired out," Mrs. Claus explained sadly.
"Oh," said Jadeite.
"I mean, technically, I suppose you guys could go do another gift run, but surely you're all too naughty to be that nice!"
"Wait a minute," began Zoisite. "If we do an act of kindness like this, would it be enough to get us off the naughty list?"
"That depends," Mrs. Claus said. "How many people have you killed/attempted to kill?"
"In this life time, or the last one?"
"Oh my," said Mrs. Claus. "Umm, I can't promise you that I could get you off of it, but I'll be sure to put in a good word!"
"Oh boy!" Zoisite said happily. "I haven't gotten a present from Santa since the Silver Millennium, back when I was one years old and too young to murder people!"
Kunzite frowned. "I never got one ever."
Jadeite perked up. "I got a present once! For doing so bad at killing the Sailors that Santa actually thought I was helping them! It was a Playstation 3!"
"I WANT A PS3!" Nephrite exclaimed. "Let's go deliver presents to the children of Earth!"
They hopped in the sleigh.
"Hey, why does Kunzite get to drive?" demanded Nephrite.
"Yeah, I think ol' Jadeite should have a go!" Jadeite suggested.
"How many of you guys have capes?" asked Kunzite.
"Uh..." said Nephrite.
"And also, how many of you guys are lords?" asked Kunzite.
"Uh..." said Jadeite. "Well that's kind of subjective..."
"Exactly. Now step aside," Kunzite said, taking the reigns.
"Wait!" said Jadeite. "You have to wear this!"
He put a fake beard on Kunzite, along with a Santa hat.
"Why?" Kunzite asked.
"Well, you already got the white hair going for you," Jadeite explained. "Now hop to it, we haven't got all night!"
Kunzite examined the magical reindeer. "Now how does this work..."
The reindeer took off suddenly, sending them all flying back into each other.
Jadeite flew back the furthest, almost knocking the bag of toys off the sleigh.
"Jadeite, you almost lost the toys!" Zoisite yelled at him.
"I almost just died there!" he moped. "But ohhhhh toooooys how sad!"
"Stop it you two," barked Kunzite. "I'm trying to drive."
"You're not driving at all. You're sitting in the front seat holding a whip while the reindeer fly randomly," Nephrite stated.
"Suck it, Nephrite," said Kunzite.
"Stop it you two," barked Zoisite. "I'm trying to beat down Jadeite."
They landed on the roof of the first house.
"Go ahead, Jadeite," said Kunzite.
"Why do I have to do all the work?" Jadeite complained
"Oh, I just thought you were the most competent, but I guess if you're not, then-"
"No no no I am," Jadeite objected, jumping down the chimney. Three seconds later, he cried, "WAAAAAAAA!"
He climbed back up, burnt to a crisp.
"The fire place was lit!" he cried.
"You know you could have just warped inside, right?"
"..."
Jadeite warped inside.
The other Shitennou sat on the roof making small talk for a good ten minutes, before they got impatient.
"What's taking him so long?" asked Zoisite.
"He probably got lost," Nephrite assumed.
"Maybe he died," said Kunzite.
Another ten minutes passed, and they finally decided to go looking for him.
When they all warped in, they saw Jadeite watching TV and eating the cookies the people had left for Santa.
"What are you doing, you dolt?" they asked him.
"These guys have so many channels!" he exclaimed. "Woah, they even have HBO! And the Sailor V Movie is on!"
"Ok, that's it," said Kunzite, knocking Jadeite to the floor.
"Gawsh, I was getting up," Jadeite pouted.
"Who brought the presents down?" asked Zoisite.
They all face palmed, and went back and got the presents.
"That wasn't too hard!" Nephrite declared, after they finished putting them under the tree. "Only two billion more houses to go!"
All through the night, they alternated dropping off presents. Soon, the sun was starting to rise.
"Ughghgfhghg," moaned Nephrite, exhausted. "Someone give me more coffee."
"I can't," Jadeite told him. "I accidentally gave the coffee machine to little Jimmy, instead of the baseball cards he wanted."
"Did that one hit?" Zoisite asked, after drowsily throwing a package down into someone's dumpster.
"Come on guys, keep it together!" Kunzite encouraged. "Only a few more to go!"
Next, they landed on top of the Tsukino household.
They all teleported inside, because this place was giving them good vibes, which was a bad thing for them.
They were about to leave, after having put down gifts for Usagi, Shingo, Chibiusa, and Chibi Chibi Tsukino, all oddly similar names minus Shingo, when a voice stopped them.
"Mamo-chan I told you my parents were home," Usagi muttered drearily, as she walked outside of her room in pajamas. She rubbed her eyes, and looked up.
"It's the Shitennou!" she cried. "Attacking innocent families on Christmas? That's sick, even for you guys!"
"No!" Jadeite cried, trying to protest. "We're Santa!"
"Yeah right, where's your jolly laugh?" Usagi asked.
"Ho ho ho," said Kunzite, furiously.
"That didn't sound jolly to me," said Usagi.
"Well it was," scowled Kunzite.
"And where's your big belly?" she asked.
"You know what let's just kill her," said Kunzite. "We'll still have had an almost perfect run!"
"But then this perfectly good Silver Crystal would have gone to waste!" Jadeite complained, holding out the Silver Crystal with a bow on it that they were supposed to deliver to her.
"Dang, you're right," said Zoisite.
"You got lucky this time, completely random and not at all familiar civilian girl," Nephrite told her, as they retreated.
"That was weird," said Usagi.
"A job well done," said Jadeite, as the four of them returned the sleigh and walked back over to the Dark Kingdom entrance.
They walked into Queen Beryl's thrown room, to see her pulling her hair out and screaming as she watched her crystal ball.
"Where are all the crying children!?" she screached. "Where is all the disappointment?! All these kids are happy! WHAT GIVES?!"
"Not to worry, my Queen," said Jadeite. "There is still energy to be had."
"WHAT?!" asked Queen Beryl. "Don't tell me you fools are responsible for this!"
"Oh, but we are," said Kunzite. "Just hear us out!"
"NEVER!" yelled Beryl, about to kill them.
"Queen Beryl," explained Nephrite. "The energy that you were trying to take was the wrong kind of energy. Negative energy is not as pure or as strong as the energy created by joy and happiness!"
"What are you blabbering on about!?" Beryl screamed.
"We don't know what happened to you to make you hate Christmas, but the reason you continue to hate it is because you're so bitter to everyone else who wants to enjoy themselves. You should want to make other people happy, instead of wanting to make them sad!" Jadeite added.
"Before you kill us," said Zoisite, "Just feel how good this positive energy is!"
Queen Beryl reluctantly tried out the energy of happiness that they had collected from bringing people Christmas presents.
"Woah baby!" she cried. "That does feel good! Maybe I've been trying to take the wrong kind of energy all along!"
"Really, Queen Beryl?" Jadeite asked gleefully.
"Yes, I want to make things right. You guys put so much effort into trying to make my Christmas good, so I want to return the favor!"
"Really, Queen Beryl?" Jadeite asked gleefully.
"Yes, really," she confirmed with a smile.
"Well that's really kind of you, Queen Be-"
"HAHA JUST KIDDING!"
Queen Beryl killed all of them. Then she burnt down the remaining snowflakes that Nephrite had made.
"I LOVE Christmas!" exclaimed Beryl.
FIN
