"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"
"We don't have time for that, Jadeite!" cried Queen Beryl. "The ball's about to drop!"
"Hehehe balls dropping," laughed Zoisite.
"Silence Zoisite or I'll kill you," Beryl scolded.
"Yes me Queen."
"OK GUYS TIME TO COUNT DOWN!" Beryl said happily.
She had gathered all the Shitennou in her throne room and they were watching the ball drop on the big screen TV.
"10...9...8..." began Queen Beryl.
"70!" yelled Jadeite.
"69!" yelled Nephrite.
"Tee hee 69!" Zoisite commented.
"4," said Kunzite.
"COUNT PROPERLY YOU DUNCES!" Queen Beryl yelled.
"Wait what number were we at?" asked Jadeite.
"HAPPY NEW YEARS!" went the TV.
"Gosh darn it we missed it again," said Nephrite.
"There's always next year," said Kunzite.
"Idk, Beryl's been pretty hostile lately," noted Zoisite.
"Actually, that's what I gathered you here to tell you about," said Queen Beryl.
"Uh oh," said Jadeite. "This is where my story ends!"
"It has come to my attention as of lately that no one would really care if I were to die!" Beryl said sadly.
"WHAT!?" Jadeite gasped in shock, as he sawed out a coffin for Queen Beryl.
"Don't be ridiculous!" Nephrite exclaimed, while engraving the words "RIP BERYL, She won't be missed," on a tombstone.
"Yeah!" agreed Zoisite, digging out a grave with a shovel.
"Hey," said Kunzite. "What flavor icing do you want on the 'Hallelujah, Beryl is gone!' cake?"
"STOP IT!" screamed Beryl. "Because I can tell how you feel about me, my New Year's resolution will be to be a nicer person!"
"LOL SURE!" laughed Zoisite. "Why don't you do something you can actually stick to? Like taking over the world- oh wait!"
"WHY YOU LITTLE-" Beryl went to kill Zoisite, but remembered her resolution. "Deep breaths," she told herself. "What I meant to say was, I value your opinion, Zoisite, and you're a good member of the team!"
Zoisite just laughed.
"If you think it's so funny, I'd like to see you stick to your New Year's resolution!" Nephrite challenged.
"HEY! I never made a New Year's resolution, so there's nothing for me to stick to!" Zoisite replied.
"Yeah, because you knew you could never stick to it! If I made one, I would stick to it, no doubt!" Nephrite said confidently.
"You're on, pal!" Zoisite declared.
"Nephrite, you're resolution should be to stop drinking," Kunzite told him.
"WHAT!?" Nephrite cried, spitting out his liquor. "D'aww, but I was just going to make my resolution not to cross over to the good side. Surely I wouldn't run into any difficulties with that one!"
"Sounds like you just have no self control."
"Suck it, Kunzite!"
"One of your resolutions should be to not always say, 'suck it!'" said Beryl.
"Suck it, Beryl!" they all said in unison.
"Mine will be to never be friends with Nephrite!" Zoisite decided.
"That's too easy!" said Nephrite. "Yours should be to always fight fairly!"
"WHAT?!" Zoisite cried. "I always fight fairly!" he said, forming a crystal behind Nephrite.
"I saw that!" he said turning around.
"Aww nuts, he's learned all my tricks!"
"I wanna play too!" said Jadeite. "What should my resolution be?"
"Stop being such a dolt," suggested Zoisite.
"Stop it with the terrible schemes," suggested Beryl.
"I thought you're supposed to be nice!" Jadeite cried.
"Honesty is the nicest gift I can give," Beryl told him.
"I know!" said Jadeite. "I'll finally write that fanfiction I've been dreaming of! One chapter a day!"
"Sure sure," they agreed.
"What should mine be?" Kunzite asked.
"Go a full year without telling me what people used to do on the Moon Kingdom!" Queen Beryl told him.
"What?" Kunzite asked in shock. "I never say that!"
"Yes you do!" said all the Shitennou.
"No way! Oh, and I just remembered, the moon princess used to like to ride her bicycle on Tuesdays!" Then he realized his mistake. "Shit! I wasn't ready! Restart, restart!"
Evil Endymion appeared in a flash. "What can my New Year's resolution be?"
"Be me lover be my friend!" Beryl suggested.
"Umm... anything better?"
"How about you try to not blatantly sabotage the Negaverse?" Kunzite suggested.
"Aww nuts, that's only a little bit easier than being with Beryl. But I'll do it!" Endymion agreed.
They all set out to go about their lives, all not wanting to be the first to break their resolutions.
"Alright, time to get down to business!" said Jadeite, sitting at his computer.
"Now what should my fanfiction be about? I know, the Shitennou! I'm very familiar with them!"
He stared longingly at his blank Microsoft Word document.
"Hmm... It's New Year's... I can do a Shitennou New Year's story... but where could I possibly go with that?"
"The..." he typed out. "No no, that wil never do," he said, backspacing.
"'Queen Beryl!' yelled Jadeite. 'I found a new source of energy!'"
But then he highlighted it all and erased it. "Nah, too redundant."
His stomache rumbled. "I can't write on an empty stomache!"
He made himself a sandwich.
He ate the sandwich.
"Hmm, this would make for a good story!" he thought.
"Jadeite made himself a sandwich. He ate the sandwich," Jadeite wrote.
"No, that's awful," he decided.
"Hmm, I can't have a fanfiction without a cover image! I know, I'll make a picture of Jadeite on New Year's for the cover pic! Then I'll start writing!"
Jadeite continued to procrastinate into the late hours of the night.
Nephrite walked down the Dark Kingdom hallway, as jazz music played.
"Can't... think... about... alcohol..." he told himself repeatedly, thus thinking about alcohol.
"I know, I'll go down to Earth to get my mind off things!"
He put on his Maxfield Stanton disguise, and headed down. He strolled down the street, the jazz music picking up tempo.
"Maybe I'll check out a store or two!"
He looked over to see what stores were around.
"Jimmy Bob's Beer!" read one store. "Liquors R Us!" read another.
Nephrite started running. "LEAVE ME ALONE!"
He ran smack into a bar.
"Want me to pour you a shot?" asked the bartender.
"WAAAA!" he screamed, running the other direction.
He slipped and fell on a homeless man. The homeless man's beer flew into Nephrite's mouth.
"WAAAA!" he cried, spitting it out.
He ran into his mansion and slammed the door, closing all the locks.
But then he remembered his liquor stash. He ran back out and hid in his car.
"I know I don't have any liquor in here," he said out loud. "I wouldn't want to get pulled over for drunk driving again!"
But then Zoisite appeared, and filled the car with liquor.
"NOOOOOOO!" he screamed, putting the peddle to the meddle.
He couldn't see though, because of all the alcohol. He drove straight into a police station wall, and all the bottles shattered upon impact.
The officer opened the door, and liquor poured out.
"Sir, have you been drinking tonight?" the officer asked.
"It's not what it looks like!" Nephrite cried.
But it looked like what it looked like, so Nephrite was thrown in a jail cell.
"What a relief," he said after getting over his initial fears. "Now I'm trapped in this jail cell where I can't come in contact with any liquor."
His cell mate looked over at him. "Want some toilet wine?"
"NUUUUUUU!"
Zoisite sat in his living room, lol'ing at Nephrite.
"If I don't leave my house today, I won't get in any fight which I will be forced to fight fairly in!"
But then Mamoru appeared on his TV screen.
"HEY!" he yelled. "You can't do that! This isn't a two way thing here!"
"Screw you I'm kind of sort of not really evil!" said Mamoru. "Now we were set to duel for the rainbow crystals tonight, and you're already five minutes late!"
"Uh oh," said Zoisite. "If I don't go, he'll think I'm a weakling. But if I do go, Ima get a beat down since I can't cheat!"
He was very conflicted. "Nah I can beat Mamoru eZ," he decided.
He appeared at the battle. Mamoru, knowing of his resolution to fight fair, put his crystals in the middle.
Zoisite fell to the ground and sobbed. "HE'D BE SO EASY TO TRICK! WAAAAA!"
"Put yours in the middle!" said Mamoru.
Zoisite crawled to the middle, barely able to go through with it.
"HAHAHAH SUCKER!" said Evil Mamoru, taking the crystals.
"WAT!?" cried Zoisite. "NUUUUUUUUU!"
"You'll have to fight me if you want them back!" said Mamoru.
"Dammit!"
Zoisite charged him with petals. But because of his evil new power-up, they had no affect.
Out of old habit, he spawned a crystal behind Mamoru.
"HEY NOW!" said Mamoru.
"DAMMIT!"
Zoisite fell on the floor and curled up in a ball. "I CAN'T DO THIS! IT's TOO PAINFUL!"
Zoisite shot petals in Mamoru's eyes.
While he was blinded, he tried to stab him.
"Uh uh uh," said Mamoru. "That's no fair!"
Zoisite fell back in a ball.
"Oh yeah," said Evil Mamoru. "Also I brought my friends to help back me up! Because it would be dumb to do a 1v1 when I don't have to!"
The five inner Sailors appeared, then the four outer Sailors, then the Starlights, then Chibi-usa, then Chibi Chibi, then the Sailor Quartet, then Pegasus, then Nephrite.
Zoisite looked up and knew he was done for. He got jumped by the bunch of them.
"YOU GUYS SUUUUUUCK!" he cried.
Kunzite sat in his room looking through an old picture album of the Silver Millennium.
"Oh yeah!" he reminisced. "The Moon Princess used to love to play jacks with her- NOOOO!"
He left the house to get his mind off the Moon Princess.
He walked passed an evil fountain. "Back in the Moon Kingdom, fountains used to be the- NOOOOOOOO!"
He took off running. He finally sat down on an evil bench. "I remember when the Senshi used to use benches to- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
He jumped off a cliff. As he fell he remembered that one time the Moon Princess was on a cliff and then- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
He finally hit the ground and was knocked unconscious.
"Whelp, back to the old grind!" said Evil Mamoru. "Now to blatantly sabotage the- wait, oh no!"
It was too late to turn back though, for he was already facing the Sailors.
The Youma was about to deliver a fatal blow.
"MUST... NOT... SABOTAGE!" he cried. "Y U NO BRAINWASH ME BETTER!?"
But luckily, Sailor Uranus and Sailor Neptune came to the rescue.
"Woah, why are you guys in town in season one?" asked Sailor Moon.
"We were just beating up this one guy and we thought we'd stop by at the exact moment you were about to die. Nice coincidence, huh?"
"Yeah," agreed Sailor Moon. "Too bad there was no one willing to sabotage to save us!"
"Let's go swimming!" said Sailor Neptune.
"Ok!" said Sailor Moon.
They all jumped in a pool.
"Wait!" cried Sailor Moon. "I don't know how to swim :O"
She clung to the edge. "Aww, now I can't have fun with my friends!"
Mamoru couldn't take it any more. He had to teach Sailor Moon how to swim, evil or not evil.
He jumped into his swim trunks and leapt in the pool. "Here ya go!" he said, teaching her to swim.
"NOOOOOOOOO!" cried Beryl, watching on her ball.
In her fury, she called all the Shitennou home.
"What happened to you, Zoisite?" asked Queen Beryl.
"Queen Beryl, I couldn't do it!" he cried. "They were all beating me down! And then, I saw one of their wallets, and I couldn't resist. I stole Sailor Mars's debit card and made the bank call her because she was out of funds. It was the only way to escape the beat down!"
"I'm disappointed in you, Zoisite," said Queen Beryl, trying not to rage.
"Queen Beryl, I have failed as well," admitted Jadeite. "I JUST COULDN't DO IT! THE WRITER'S BLOCK! IT BUUUUUUURNED!"
"I'm disappointed in you as well, Jadeite," said Beryl, still trying to keep her cool.
"Urrnrhngyunbnnbjdkef," slurred Nephrite incoherently. The bottles of liquor he was clutching spoke for themselves.
"You guys should be ashamed," said Queen Beryl. "Kunzite, you are the only one with any self control! I should take you out for ice cream!"
"Ice cream was a favorite food of the Princess's guardians, back in the Silver Millennium!" Kunzite told her. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Queen Beryl was getting angry. She didn't know how much more stupidity she could take.
"Queen Beryl I taught Sailor Moon how to swim and ice skate," said Evil Mamoru.
"You're... too much of a hunkster... to anger me..." struggled Beryl.
"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"
"THAT IS IT!" Queen Beryl yelled, snapping. "SINCE NONE OF YOU DOLTS STUCK TO YOUR RESOLUTIONS, WHY SHOULD I!? DOLTS! DOLTS! DOLTS! DOLTS! DOLTS!" she spammed. "DOLTS!"
"I think it's broken," said Jadeite, concerned.
"Should old aquantaince be forgot and never brought to mind!" Nephrite began to drunkenly sing.
The rest joined in. "For ault lang sine, bla bla, we don't the lyrics, bla bla and a happy New Year!"
THE END
