"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Oh boy did you?!" Queen Beryl asked excitedly. "Tell me more!"

"Well you see, the humans do this thing called-"

"Shut up I don't care!" barked Berly.

"Awww!" moped Jadeite trudging away with his head down.

Suddenly, Zoisite entered the room.

"QUEEEEEN BERRRRYLLLLL I'M BORED!" cried Zoisite.

"Wut?"

"It's taking so long for you to kill Jadeite! I wanna be put in the game, coach!"

"There is something you can do for me..." said Beryl.

"Ye?" Zoisite asked happily.

"Go buy some groceries!" Beryl tossed a grocery list at Zoisite. "Now go away, I need to rub my ball."

"Aww shucks!" said Zoisite.


"Ugh why did Nephrite need so much alcohol?" complained Zoisite to himself as he lugged his heavy bags of groceries and alcohol... mostly alcohol.

Zoisite spotted a dark alley and decided it would be faster to go through it.

He crept along the dark alley and almost had a heart attack when a cat lept out of the dumpster.

Zoisite started screaming but calmed down when he saw it was just a cat.

"Geeze what got into you?" asked Luna.

"Scram you pest!" yelled Zoisite throwing a can of Jadeite's chicken noodle soup at it.

Luna scattered and Zoisite continued his long scary walk through the dark alley.

"FORK OVER ALL YOUR MONEY!" yelled a loud voice from behind Zoisite.

Zoisite dropped the bags and started screaming like a little girl.

Behind him was none other than Rubeus from season 2 accompanied by Saphir and Esmerada and Prince Demande.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT!" sobbed Zoisite.

"All yo money!" said Diamond

"And your grocercies" said Saphir

"And your dignity!" said Esemrear mem me

"Fine but most of the groceries are alcohol..."

"Yay! That'll keep me busy for most of season 2!" said Diamond

"Here and take this too!" said Zoisite still crying

"What's this?" asked Esmeradadada

"My car keys!"

"That really won't be necessery..."

"And this too!"

"What's this?"

"Nephrite's credit card!"

"Ok we should really be going..." the Black Moon Clan said

"Wait I have more stuff to give you back at my castle if you just wait here..."

"Nah we really need to go thanks tho"

"Ok cya" said Zoisite.

"One more thing"

"Ye?"

Diamond turned and shot a laser blast at Zoisite sending him into peril.

"LOL REKT!" they all laughed and warped away.


When Kunzite entered Queen Beryl's throne room he heard a loud sobbing sound.

"What's that? Is Nephrite having one of his moments again?"

He turned and saw Zoisite crying in the corner.

"What's wrong are you sick or something?" asked Kunzite hardly concerned.

Zoisite threw a box of tissues at Kunzite.

"You inconsiderate jerk! I got jumped by hoodlums!" Zoisite cried.

"That's really a shame..." said Kunzite. "Did they take the groceries?"

"Yes.." sniffled Zoisite.

"Crap! We've been out of fudgesicles since the Silver Millennium!"

"Kunzite you're trash!" said Zoisite angrily.

"What do you want me to do about the fact you got beat up?" asked Kunzite

"Go beat them up for me!"

"IDK are they from a higher season than me?"

"Ye"

"Uh oh"

"So can you?"

"Well you see I have poker scheduled with Beryl today she needs someone to remind her to keep her poker face on! CYA"

Zoisite started crying again.

Nephrite entered.

"Just when I thought my day couldn't get any worse!" Zoisite cried.

"What's got you down?" asked Nephrite.

"Why do you care?!"

"Because we're shitenou we have to look out for eachother!"

"Yea well screw you!"

":("

"Ugh ok I got beat up today"

"Why don't you just learn how to fight?"

"WHAT?! ME?! FIGHT!? WAAAAAAAAAA!" Zoisite exclaimed.

"Well just today you were saying you had nothing to do."

"Ugh but I'm laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazy!"

"Just do it!"

"Ugh fine!" Zoisite resigned.

"I know this great dojo teaching karate classes you should go check it out!" Nephrite told him.

"ok"


Right when Zoisite got to the top of the huge staircase he got jumped by a bunch of crows.

"WAAAAAAAAAA"

"LOL EVEN CROWS CAN BEST YOU!" laughed the crows.

Zoisite retreated inside the temple.

As soon as he entered he was greeted by a wild old man.

"I FEEL EVIL!"

"GRAMPS!" yelled Zoisite "Not you again!"

"Grampa's heard you needed some fighting lessons and I'm just the old man to give you some!"

"How much is this gonna cost?" asked Zoisite skeptically.

"If you do one thing for me I'll teach you everything you need to know about fighting."

"What's the one thing?"


"Yes, I'll have the couples' special" Gramps said to waiter.

"Yea I can see the date and all but do I really need to wear this blonde wig?" Zoisite asked.

"Yes, I won't be seen in public with a woman with that kind of hair style."

"But I'm not a wom-"

"Can it and split this milkshake with me!" commanded Gramps.


"Well that was dumb" said Zoisite taking off his blonde wig.

"Ok I can teach you karate!" said Gramps. "Meet me behind the KFC at 4:00AM exactly. If you're even one second late you fail my class."

"What class?"

"CAN IT AND BE THERE!"


Zoisite waited behind the KFC looking at his watch.

"It's 4:00AM where the heck is he?" Zoisite groaned to himself.

"PSSST IN HERE!" said Gramps.

Zoisite turned to see Gramps peaking his head out from inside the dumpster.

"What are you doing?" asked Zoisite.

"Hop in!"

Zoisite reluctantly climbed in and Gramps closed the lid.

Gramps lit a match.

"So what are we doing in here?" asked Zoisite "and who's that guy?"

Sitting next to Gramps was some randy.

"It's me brah, Chad!" said the randy.

"He's my other student" explained Gramps. "He's a deadbeat and a loser just like you!"

"I'm not a lose-"

"OK FIRST LESSON"

Zoisite groaned. This was going to be a long morning.

"NOW TODAY IMA TEACH YOU PUNKS HOW TO LAY AN EGG!" said G-Pa.

"Ummmm?" said Zoisite.

"DONT QUESTION MEH WISDEM!" said Gramps.

"Are you sure that's right?" asked Chad, squatting and trying his bestest.

"Wait a sec," said Gramps, holding a book upside-down called "A Bird Watcher's Guide to Bird Watching."

"I think this is the wrong pamphlet?"

"You think?" Zoisite asked.

"Ok well anyway time for the next lesson," said Grandpa, throwing the book away. "Meet me at 3 AM tomorrow, on the upper left hand corner of the Pizza Hut."

"Why the-"

"CYA!" said Gramps, poofing off like a ninja.

Zoisite appeared on top of the Pizza Hut. He waited three hours, but no sign of Gramps.

He called Gramps but the line was busy. Then he called Gramp's other student Chad.

"Hey Rei, GNARLY!" said Chad. "I've been waiting weeks for you to call me! But my hopes and dreams were worth it!"

"Umm, I'm not Rei," said Zoisite.

Chad started sobbing into the phone.

"Have you seen Gramps anywhere?"

"Yeah he waited on top of the Pizza Hut for you for the past three hours but then went home because he said it was a three person activity."

"What? I'm on top of the Pizza Hut!"

"Oh, did I say Pizza Hut? I meant Papa John's. My bad."

Zoisite broke the cellphone and went back to the dojo.

Gramps was reading his paper, but he threw it down in anger.

"YOU LYIN LITTLE SON OF A GUN!" said Gramps.

"You gave me the wrong place!" Zoisite cried defensively.

"No. Now my three way didn't work out and I had to-"

"Three way what?" asked Zoisite.

"Not important," said Gramps. "Now meet me at this address in three weeks at 5PM."

Gramps leaped out of the dojo and did parkour across Tokyo's rooftops.


Three weeks later, Zoisite appeared at the shipping yard. "I remember this place," he said nostalgically.

In the past three weeks, his drive to learn to fight had greatly decreased with time.

Suddenly he got drop kicked from the sky.

"Ouch!" he yelled as he skidded across the pavement.

"FIRST LESSON!" said Gramps.

"Isn't this like the third?"

"NO! THE FIRST LESSON IS ALWAYS BE ON GUARD!"

"You know, I think I don't want to learn Karate anymore," Zoisite told him.

"QUITTER TALK!" screamed Gramps.

"No rly. You haven't taught me shit. I'm out." Zoisite went to walk away, but Grandpa appeared in front of him.

"What are you-"

Grandpa put chloroform over his mouth and knocked him out.


Zoisite slowly opened his eyes.

He thought he saw a chair floating above his head, but then he realized he was dangling upside down from the ceiling, above a chair that was at a table. At the other end of the table sat Gramps in the blonde wig.

"Have a cup of tea!" said Gramps.

Zoisite struggled but it was no use.

"Are you 'tied up?'" joked Grandpa.

Chad walked in. "Yaaaa brah, is this where the next meeting is?"

Granpda pulled out a rifle and shot him in the knee.

"AAAAA GNARLY!" screamed Chad, falling the ground.

"Now that there's no more interruption," said Gramps, "Let me tell you my life's story."

Chad groaned in pain.

"But first, have some tea!"

Gramps poured tea on Zoisite's head, but he was upside down so it just went in his hair.

"Can you not?" requested Zoisite. "Also can you let me go?"

"We'll see," said Gramps, putting a hankerchief in his mouth to quiet him.

"Now anyway, I was just a small town girl, living in a lonely world. I took the midnight train, going any wheeeere! SING THE NEXT LINE!"

"I can't," Zoisite said in a muffled voice. "You put this in my mouth!"

"WHAT?! I CAN'T HEAR YOU! SING UP!"

Zoisite started crying silent tears.

"You're awful at karaoke," Gramps commented. "Now it's time to play my favorite game! Musical chairs!"

Grandpa turned on his favorite song, Baby by Justin Bieber.

He ran around the chair and then turned off the music. He jumped in a chair.

"HAHAHAH I WIN YOU LOSE!" he laughed.

"Yah brahh but I'm disabled now and he's hanging from the ceiling. There wasn't much competition!"

Gramps shot Chad again in the other knee.

"NAHAHAHAHHA YAAAHAH BRAHHH!" Chad sobbed.

"NOW LET'S PRETEND TO BE CATS!" said Gramps. "MEOW MEOW MEOW!"

Zoisite and Chad just stared at him, disturbed.

"The blood's all rushing to my head," Zoisite sobbed.

"The blood's all rushing out of my body oh gawd someone call an ambulance!" Chad wailed. "Yaahahhaa gnarly!"

Rei walked in then.

"GRAMPS?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"

"Teaching Karate, of course!" he said.

"HEEEELP!" cried Chad. "GNARLY!"

"Gaejwsegwaeiog!" muffled Zoisite.

"Well tell your students to keep it down! We have customers! And they need your help, Grandpa!" Rei told him.

"Fine fine I'm coming," Gramps resigned. "Don't go anywhere!" he said to them, winking.

Zoisite and Chad tried to think of a way out.

"Ok Chad," said Zoisite, finally managing to spit out the hankerchief. "We're going to need to get out before he comes back. But first, you'll need to untie me!"

"Yaaahahh brah!" said Chad.

"This is no time for fooling around!" said Zoisite.

"Yaahahaha brah!" agreed Chad.

He crawled over and tried to untie Zoisite.

"Grandpa never taught me how to untie a knot!" Chad said sadly.

"Just cut the rope! Reach into my pocket, I must have a few spare crystals in there?"

"Which pocket?" asked Chad.

"JUST TRY ANY!"

"Ok"

"He reached in the first pocket and pulled out a two foot long crystal.

"WOAAAH THIS IS HUGE!" said Chad.

"Hahaha that's what he said," said Zoisite. "Now cut the rope!"

"Pow pow!" yelled Chad, swinging the crystal around and making lightsaber sounds.

"CHAD PLS!" begged Zoisite.

"POW POW I AM LUKE! POW!" Chad continued.

"CHAAAADD!" sobbed Zoisite.

"Ok fine!" said Chad. He went to cut the rope but then he fell to the ground.

"Oh crap the blood loss is making me dizzy. Now I can't see straight."

"Oh gawd," said Zoisite. "Pull it together, Chad!"

Chad stood up. "Ok I can do this!"

Chad swung the crystal with all his might, but he missed the rope and sliced Zoisite in the face.

"OWW!" Zoisite yelled. "WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME FACE!"

"I can't do it!" sobbed Chad. "I'm just a bum, Gramps was right about me!"

"No he wasn't!" encouraged Zoisite. "I believe in you!"

"You believe in me?"

"Cut the rope or so help me" threatened Zoisite.

"Oh look I did it," said Chad.

Zoisite fell to the ground. "Oh gawd so dizzy I was upside down for a while..."

"Let me help," said Chad, but he tripped and knocked over all the tea.

"DID I JUST HEAR TEA SPILL!?" yelled Gramps from downstairs.

"KEEP IT DOWN!" screamed Zoisite.

"YOU're LOUDER THAN ME BURAAHHH!" said Chad.

Zoisite backhanded Chad.

"Wow I save you and you betray me? I'm not helping you," said Chad.

"Come on just help me pry the door open."

They tried to pull the door but it was no use.

"Have anything that could pick the lock?" asked Zoisite.

"Sorrry brahhhh," said Chad. "All I have is this cellphone."

Zoisite began to sputter and foam at the mouth. "YOU HAD A CELLPHONHE, THIS WHOLE TIME!?"

"Yaahahaha so?"

Zoisite backhanded him again and took the cellphone. He called his only friend Kunzite.

"Hey Zoisite keep it snappy, this poker game is getting good!"

"HEEEEELP! I'M BEING HELD PRISONER BY A GEYSER!"

"DAMMIT ZOISITE AGAIN?!" Kunzite said, exasperated. "Alright I'm coming to save you."

"WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?!" they heard Beryl say.

"Queen Beryl, please! Zoisite is in peril!" Kunzite explained.

"Who cares about Zoisite, I'm about to win the jackpot!"

"I do Beryl! Just give me like three seconds to-"

"NO! I need you to remind me not to ruin my poker face! I have the best hand ever right now!"

The poker players looked at her. "Really?"

"DAMMIT KUNZITE!"

"Sorry baby I'm tied up. I'll take you out to dinner later if you live," said Kunzite, apologetically, before Beryl snapped his phone in half.

"Oh boy, have any other friends brahhh?" asked Chad.

"Not really but I know this one dumbass."

Zoisite called Jadeite.

"Hey Jed! How about you come here and rescue us!" Zoisite asked nicely.

"OMG ZOISITE! HOW HAVE YOU BEEN PAL!? So this weekend, I went to the fair, and at the fair,"

Zoisite hung up. "I would rather die than hear about his weekend."

Then, he started dry heaving.

"What's the matter, brahhh?" asked Chad.

"I have to *gag* call *gag* Nephrite!"

"Cool brahhh!" said Chad.

Zoisite backhanded him.

Nephrite answered his phone.

"Nephrite you need to help me!" Zoisite pleaded. "I know we've had our differences, but Shitennou have to help each other out, right man?"

"I don't know, Zoisite. You're kind a douche!"

"Meeee?! A DOUCHE!?

"Ye"

"Please I'll never harass you again for liek a full day!"

"Fine, but you'll have to do me one eensie weensie favor later!"

"Anything!" Zoisite said desperately.

"Ok, listen closely," said Nephrite.

"Yes, I'm listening."

"Teleport."

Zoisite fell to the floor and face-palmed.

"Alright Chad, grab on! We're going home!"

Chad grabbed on. "No homo bruhhhh!" he said.

They teleported back to the Negaverse.

"Bruhhh where am I?"

"The Negaverse!" said Zoisite.

"Aww, gnarly, BRAH! How many channels you get down here?"

"Like 30," Zoisite said.

"Woaaaah that's like 30 more than back at the temple! I'm stayin!"

Zoisite tped away to do whatever it was that Nephrite wanted.

"Now where is the TV?" Chad asked, but he only got his own echo in response.


"Yes, I'll have the couples' special" Nephrite said to waiter.

"Yea I can see the date and all but do I really need to wear this blonde wig?" Zoisite asked.

"Yes, I won't be seen in public with a women with that kind of hair style."

"But I'm not a wom-"

"Can it and split this milkshake with me!" commanded Nephrite.

"Yo toss me a straw I'm in!" Chad said, jumping in between Nephrite and Zoisite and drinking from the milkshake too.

"BUT WHY?" Zoisite asked Nephrite.

Molly looked over from her table with Melvin.

"JEALOUS YET?!" Nephrite yelled to her.

"SUCK IT, NEPHRITE!" they both yelled in unison.

"That's it," said Zoisite. "I'm going back to Gramps."

Zoisite warped back to Gramps.

"Oh goody, you're already in the wig!" said Gramps.

FIN