A/N:
I struggled with this chapter a little as I wanted to make sure I approached the subject in the best way that I could. The scene in italics is a memory from the night of the miscarriage.
Many thanks for the lovely reviews hannah5240, Mrs Carmichael, fayeftvanity, LittleH12, RachelMasonFan39 and Lynny!
Please enjoy.
The collateral damage of love
Panic.
Panic within her surroundings, and her chest felt tight. Four letters, and it terrified her. Help. He wanted help, he needed help. How could she possibly help him when she could barely help herself?
She studied him as he stood hunched, and his whole body echoed in despair. She could feel the glare from the staff as they continued to look over. She pulled her coat closer, once again, but this time to shield herself from being too exposed with her feelings.
'Look, let's go up to my office and sort this mess out. I don't want an audience', she said as she sighed.
He nodded and followed her as he carefully kept his distance afraid she'd push him further away.
. . .
'Wonder what her highness was shying away from now', Grantley muttered as continued to read his paper from the sidelines.
'Trouble in paradise round two', Steph chipped in as she continued to stare on watching the couple.
'Well as long as she doesn't take it out on the rest of us then it doesn't concern-', Grantley began to moan before Steph cut in sharply. 'Oh shut it Grantley, I'm trying to watch and you're moaning away!'.
'Er Steph, they're walking away now'. Tom pointed to Rachel and Eddie as they walked to the direction of her office.
'Grantley, it's your fault I missed that!', Steph exclaimed throwing her hands in the air. She always had been melodramatic.
Kim looked on, worry amongst her features as she processed the scene just exposed to her. 'Tom I'm going to check Rachel's okay', she said.
'Kim, I think we should leave it. This is more than we all know', Tom replied as he tried to deter the situation from being any worse than it already was. Kim nodded and focused back on the match.
. . .
The room felt claustrophobic, and she felt as though she couldn't breathe. She felt overwhelmed. The man she was desperately in love with was before her begging her for help.
He felt her uneasy tension, and so, he attempted to apologise. 'I'm sorry for putting this on you Rach', he said with sadness to his tone.
She started to fiddle with the paperwork on her desk to busy herself away from the truth.
'She's my sister Eddie, you're not putting on me', she spoke as she continued to find distractions.
'Yeah but still, Holly, I mean ..', he stopped as he saw her react to his daughter's name. This was such a delicate matter, and he was so afraid of crossing the line.
'It's okay', she hesitated, took a few steps away from her desk and made a way to her window.
'No, it's not okay Rach. I know it's hard for you', he said.
She felt the sun hit her skin, and she took a deep breath. The sun had always been so uplifting, it gave her the energy that she desperately needed and it gave her the strength to continue with making herself better.
They fell silent for a few moments, and then she took the opportunity to ask him something.
'I think I'd like to meet her, if- .. if that's okay?', fear laced her tone and she wasn't sure if she had made the right decision.
I'd like to meet her.
Did Rachel just say those exact words?
Eddie felt an eternity of emotions as he tried to digest her request. He felt himself zone out of their conversation thinking of every scenario of what could happen. He was however pulled from his thoughts by her voice, 'I mean if you don't-'.
Before she could continue, she was interrupted by him, 'No no, I just-'. He stopped, and the room fell quiet. He took a moment to remember that terrible night.
. . .
She had finally emerged from the bathroom after what felt like hours, her eyes slightly swollen from all the crying. She looked fragile. He slowly lifted himself from the sofa and carefully made his way towards her, watching to see if his movements alarmed her. On approaching her, he felt her breathing was heavy, and she dared not look at him.
'Rach?', he asked hoping she would talk. Her eyes remained focused on the floor, and her hand fell across her chest-a common sign that she wasn't okay. On noticing the signs, he pulled her into him, and instantly she fell into his embrace.
'I'm sorry, Eddie'. Her words made his heart sting, and he felt the urge to shake her and desperately tell her it wasn't her fault. He just knew actions like those wouldn't help. So, instead he pulled her in tighter and whispered, 'Hey, don't you ever say sorry. I love you'.
They'd lost a piece of their hearts that could have never been replaced, and that was the greatest loss imaginable.
. . .
Withdrawing from the painful memory, he brought his eyes to hers. She had been standing nervously awaiting him to carry on. He cleared his throat before confirming that she would really do this.
'Are you sure you're ready for this?'.
. . .
The school day was drawing to a close, and before long the bell rang out. Eddie had left with the John Fosters lot a little while ago, and she'd spent that time hiding in her office. She'd had a quick five-minute walk to find out how the match went and congratulated the kids on taking part, but that was it.
Sitting at her desk, she kept thinking back to how she'd told Eddie that she was ready to finally meet her niece, his child. She didn't know where the confidence came from, or even if she could go through with it, but she knew it was the right thing to do. Like the Dr had said, she had to fix herself. She had been punishing a small child because of her own sadness.
. . .
Collecting her bag, and tidying the remains of her office, she set off home to prepare herself. On entering the hallway, she ran into Kim.
'How are you? You know, after seeing Eddie', Kim asked as both women came to a holt at the top of the stairs.
'Well, I survived the day, so that's something, huh?', Rachel said as she raised her eyebrows.
'Rachel, I think you need to give it a chance'. Kim knew it was never easy trying to convince Rachel, but being the friend she was, she couldn't just let it go.
'It's complicated Kim, I can't just jump in there. Melissa, she's left, and er, she's left the baby with Eddie', explained Rachel as she looked anywhere but at Kim.
Shell-shocked at the last revelation, Kim exclaimed, 'She's left?!'.
'Yup'. A simple answer was all Rachel gave before eyeing her watch to see the minutes ticking on. In a rushed tone, she closed the conversation before she'd have to dive anymore into it.
'Look, I've got to go but I'll call you in the week okay?'.
. . .
Her heart raced, she couldn't remember how to walk, even to speak. She'd somehow drove to Eddie's on autopilot, completely focused on the challenge placed upon her.
There was still time to turn around. She could still leave. She'd still have time to run away.
No.
She had to face this. It was time. It would be a vital part of the healing process, and she wanted to heal, badly.
Tapping quietly at his door, she awaited to see him, them. She could hear him unlocking the door, and her body felt numb. Within seconds, the light of his house met the darkness from outside and she gasped.
There she was. Holly. A tiny human-being. Half Eddie, half Melissa, and she was beautiful.
Her heart shattered into a million pieces. She craved to hold the little girl and to love her like she should have from the beginning. On the other half, she felt it were too close to home, and it were a constant reminder of what she could have had.
She would, however, not be selfish.
She felt tears slide down her face, and surprisingly to Eddie, she didn't attempt to swiftly wipe them away. On sensing her auntie's emotion, Holly ran to her. Stopping with only a few inches between them, she looked to her and took her dad's hand.
'Auntie Rachel sad'.
Rachel fell to her knees and found she were level with Holly. Suddenly, the fear drained from her, and her motherly instinct encouraged her to stroke the little girl's cheek before convincing her that everything was okay.
'They're happy tears to see you ..', Rachel began before pausing, giving herself time to prepare for the hardest part.
'Holly'.
