"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energahhhhh!"
"Actually, Jadeite, you're on cleaning duty today!" Beryl told him.
"But whyyyyy!" Jadeite whined. "I was just on cleaning duty yesterday!"
"You're the lowest ranking Shitennou, Jadeite," Beryl said harshly. "You have to do all the chores!"
"But don't we have Youma for that?"
"No, you killed them all."
"Hey now, let's not point fingers," said Jadeite.
"Jadeite why isn't there a mop in your hand?" Beryl asked.
Jadeite spawned a mop and moped away with his head down.
He turned around as the other three Shitennou warped in.
"Alright, Nephrite, you're on energy duty today!"
"Eww," said Nephrite.
"Start your search at Molly's house!"
"OH BABY!"
"Zoisite, you're looking for the silver crystal!"
"Eww," said Zoisite.
"Start your search at the amusement park!"
"OH BABY!"
"And Kunzite, go find the Moon Princess," Beryl commanded.
"That will be easy! Back in the Silver Millennium, the Moon Princess used to attend Juuban High School!"
"THEN GO GO GO!" Beryl told them all.
"Aww I wanted to go the high school :(" Jadeite said sadly.
"JADEITE!" yelled Beryl. "Are the floors done? Start doing the other Shitennou's laundrey!"
"Well actually," interrupted Jadeite.
"Do I need to make you clean the gutters again!?"
"No, your majesty."
"Go wash your mouth out with soap! And drop and give me twenty! And clean the toilets with your toothbrush!"
Jadeite sulked through the streets after a long day of cleaning and other lame chores.
"I refuse to go on like this!" yelled Jadeite in the middle of the street.
"Keep walking Johnny," said a random lady to her kid. "Don't look at the crazies!"
"I AM ABOVE THIS!" Jadeite screached. "DUEGHUEGHUEGH!"
Suddenly, he got an idea. "If I can recruit someone to be even lower ranking than I am, then they'll have to do all the chores! But who could possibly under-rank me?"
"USAGI!" yelled Melvin. "COME SPLIT MY CRANBERRY SNAPPLE MILKSHAKE!"
"Get lost, nerd!" cried Usagi, fleeing.
Melvin chased after her.
Jadeite teleported in front of Melvin, but Melvin didn't stop running and knocked him down.
"Watch where you're going, nerd!" said Melvin.
"WAT!?" Jadeite yelled angrily. But then he regained composure. "Hey nerd, are you tired of being pushed around, and having girls not split your shit milkshakes with you?"
"Actually, it's cranberry snapple flavored!"
"Suck it, nerd!" said Jadeite. "Want to be a Shitennou?"
"Sounds gay, I'm in!" said Melvin.
"Excellent," said Jadeite. Then he cackled evil.
"So what's a Shitennou?"
"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new recruit!"
"Jadeite, these floors don't look very mopped."
"I can see my reflection, what do you mean?!"
"Exactly, no one wants to see that," said Beryl. "So what's this about a new recruit? What's this kid with glasses doing in my throne room?"
"This is the new Shitennou," said Jadeite.
"Jadeite, you are a member of an elite squad. We don't just take anyone," Beryl told him. But then she looked at Jadeite. "Alright random nerd, you can't be worse than Jadeite. You're in!"
"Hidy ho! When do I get a suite like that guy?"
"Now," she said, tossing him one with purple accents.
"Neato! So when do I get my paycheck?"
"Jadeite, go show your new trainee the ropes," said Beryl.
"Ok, Melvin," began Jadeite. "Now this is the empty dark space that we float through."
"Why don't we have a castle or a mansion like the others?" asked Melvin.
"Because we're the lowest ranking. I mean, YOU'RE the lowest ranking! WAHAHAHAH!"
"Do I get to laugh like a doofus as well?" asked Melvin.
"Not until you're my rank!" Jadeite said snarkily.
"Well then. When do I get to steal MOLLY's energy?"
Jadeite shook his head. "No, no, no. There's a lot of training before you get to go out on the field."
"TEACH ME YOUR WAYS SENPAI!" shouted Melvin.
"Alright, here's how to be awes-"
"JADEITE! REPORT AT ONCE! And bring the rookie!"
"Jadeite, if you're so high ranking, why do you have to take this shit?" Melvin asked him.
"Shut up rookie!" scolded Jadeite. They both teleported to Beryl because Melvin now had teleporting skills.
"Jadeite, I went to the bathroom earlier," said Beryl.
"Umm, thanks Beryl?" Jadeite replied.
"The toilet didn't look very clean."
"Why were you looking?" asked Melvin.
"Melvin, you can't disrespect Queen Beryl!" Jadeite gasped.
"What exactly makes you a queen? What are you the queen of?"
"The Negaverse!" she told him.
"Then what's Queen Metalia the queen of?"
"Me!"
"So... you're not really like an actual queen, per se?"
"Excuse the new recruit, your heiness!" Jadeite pleaded. He knew if she killed the new recruit, he'd be back to mopping duty.
"Actually, I like having an employee with a backbone," said Beryl. "Melvin, you're stealing energy today!"
"OH BOY!"
"But Queen Beryl! You said the lowest ranking has to do chores!" Jadeite objected. "Isn't Melvin a lower rank than me?"
Beryl sighed. "I suppose, for now. Melvin, go mop the floors."
"OH BOY!"
"Jadeite, go get energy! This is your last chance, otherwise, you'll mop these floors for eternity!"
"Pshh, we won't last that long," Jadeite laughed.
"WHAT U SAY BOY!?"
"I said, right away!"
Jadeite teleported away. But he didn't go straight to get energy. He went to the cafeteria to show off his new rank.
He got in line. "Heya, Zoisite!"
"Jadeite, this isn't the Youma cafeteria. Someone of your rank is not allowed to eat in here."
"That's what you think, but I got a new rank!"
"No," said Zoisite. "You're the same rank. Melvin is just a lower rank."
"Tomatoes, tomahtoes," said Jadeite. "Pass me some of that grub."
"Shouldn't you be getting energy right now?" asked Zoisite.
But Jadeite wanted to look like a badass. "I am such a high rank that I am now above searching for energy!" Jadeite lied. "I am now searching for the silver crystal!"
Zoisite gasped. "BUT THAT'S MY JOB!?"
"Yep!" said Jadeite. "Now I better get back to that!"
"YOU'RE a DEAD MAN!" cried Zoisite. "DEEEAAAD!" He threw a milk carton at Jadeite and left.
"Are you gonna eat that?" Jadeite asked. "Oh well, time to get energahhh"
2 hours later, Jadeite returned, covered in bruises and empty-handed.
"Well that was a tough fight!" he told Beryl. "But don't worry, I only got ran over by a plane a few times this round!"
"Jadeite where's that energy?"
"Well ya see, things are ever-changing and it's not as easy as back in your day-"
Suddenly Melvin appeared. He was holding a broom and a giant ball of energy.
Queen Beryl gasped. "Where did you find so much energy!?"
"Huh, good question," said Melvin. "Where did I get this energy..." he contemplated. "Oh yeah, I found it under a rock!"
"Melvin, this is more energy than Jadeite has ever gotten. You earned a promotion."
"WHAT!?" cried Jadeite.
"You're now Nephrite/Zoisite level," Beryl told him. "You're searching for the Silver Crystal!"
"You mean this old thing?" he asked, pulling out the Silver Crystal.
"WHERE DID YOU!? HOW DID YOU!?" Beryl sputtered.
"Usagi dropped it as I was chasing after her with my cranberry snapple milkshake!"
"Wait, Usagi? Dropped the Silver Crystal? Look into this, Melvin. Something doesn't add up!"
"Maybe Usagi is the Moon Princess?"
"Brilliant!" she told him. "Up another rank for you!"
"Whoopee!" cried Melvin, disappearing in a flurry of shrimp.
"That's way cooler than Zoisite's petals!" said Beryl. "He just passed Zoisite in rank!"
Jadeite stormed off.
"Grrr, stupid Melvin, thinking he's better than me! I checked under hundreds of rocks, but I didn't find any energy! That lucky bastard!"
Suddenly a bunch of Youmas surrounded him.
"We still have Youmas left? I thought I caused you all to die?"
"Nope, we're Zoisite's youmas, and we're here to jump you!"
"Psshh, I can beat simple Youmas!" said Jadeite confidently.
"GIVE US THE SILVER CRYSTAL!" they yelled, sucker punching him.
"I don't have it!"
"Suuuuure!" they said, beating him to a pulp.
"It's just one of those days," sighed Jadeite.
"Hey Melvin," called Nephrite, as he and the other two Shitennou approached Melvin. "We don't much like how you've been passing us in rank!"
"That's Lord Melvin to you now! You all work for me!" declared Melvin.
"Actually," Kunzite stated angrily. "I'm the only lord here! See, I have a cape!"
"Oh, I'll be taking that!" said Lord Melvin, taking his cape.
Kunzite started sobbing.
They all went sobbing to Beryl.
"Queen Beryl, Melvin took my cape!" whined Kunzite.
"He took my petals!" cried Zoisite.
"He took my house!" cried Nephrite.
Queen Beryl just chortled. "Then maybe you fools should be more competent! Melvin did what all of you failed to do, in less than ten minutes!"
"Beryls pls!"
"Nope, you guys deserved your demotions!"
Suddenly, Melvin appeared in his shrimp cloud.
"Melvin, my favorite Shitennou!" Beryl greeted him happily. "Did you bring me some more of that juicy energy?"
"Actually, Beryl," he said. "All the energy goes to me now!"
"WHAAAT?" cried Queen Beryl. "It goes to me! Who gave you the right!?" she yelled.
"Queen Metalia."
"Really? Then I'm just gonna call her right now and see about this!" said Beryl.
"Go ahead!" Melvin urged her.
She put Metalia on speaker phone, ready to have her put Melvin in his place.
"Beryl, show some more respect for King Melvin!" Metalia told her.
"Wait what?" Beryl gasped.
King Melvin snickered.
"He has outranked you!" Metalia explained. "He did way more than you ever have, in less than ten minutes!"
"WAAAT?!" shrieked Beryl.
Melvin went up and pushed Beryl off her throne. He sat down.
"Alright maggots, listen up!" he commanded.
"Beryl, you're on energy snatching duty now!"
"NUUUU!" she cried.
"Jadey, back to mopping!"
"Gosh darn!" said Jadeite, throwing down his mop.
"What do you want us to do?" asked Nephrite.
"Hmmm," thought Melvin. "You go bring me Molly so I can date her!"
"NEVER!"
"Do you want an eternal sleep?"
"Aww nuts," he said, going to fetch Molly.
"Zoisite, Kunzite, go shine my shoes!"
"No!"
"Do you want an eternal sleep?"
"Melvin, you've lost it!" screamed Beryl.
"Beryl, do you want an eternal sleep?"
"No."
"No, King Melvin, you mean?"
"No."
"Berryyyyyyllll," he warned.
Beryl left to get energy. Five minutes later, she came back sobbing. "This is too hard! The Sailors keep beating me up!"
"Oh, taken care of!" said Melvin. He gestured to a cage he had all the Sailors in.
"Back to work! No excuses!"
Beryl went sobbing to Jadeite. "Jadeite you gotta help me. He's gonna put me in an eternal sleep!"
"I don't know," said Jadeite as he scrubbed the toilets. "Maybe you deserve a taste of your own medicine!"
Queen Beryl went to put Jadeite in an eternal sleep for not helping her, but no longer had the jurisdiction. "Jadeite, if you get me out of this, I'll promote you!"
"Aww really?"
"Yep!"
"Ok rally up the others and meet me at o' 700!"
They all met in a secluded closet.
"Why are we all crammed in this closet?" asked Beryl.
"Well, since Melvin is now Supreme Ruler of the Negaverse, he can see everything that's going on! This is the only place he can't watch us!"
"How did you find this?" asked Beryl.
"Oh, we found it years ago, to evade your constant stalking!" they told her.
"What?"
"Nothing."
"So what's the plan?"
"Well," began Jadeite. "There's only one way to stop King Melvin!"
Melvin sat in his throne. "Where did they go? I can't watch them and chortle anymore! This ball must be defective!" he yelled, throwing out Beryl's ball.
Suddenly, a shrimp flew in.
"OH BOY!" said Melvin. He ran after it, but it flew slightly away from his grasp. He chased it down.
"Alright," said Jadeite from behind the corner with a fishing rod. "Just a little bit further!"
Melvin chased the shrimp down the hallway, and made the final leap to grab it.
But Jadeite pulled it away at the last second, and Melvin fell into a bottomless pit.
"YAAAY!" they all applauded.
"So," suggested Jadeite. "Since I saved the day I think I should be king now?"
"Fat chance," said Beryl.
"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energahhhhh!"
"Actually, Jadeite, you're on cleaning duty today!"
"BUT BERYL! YOU PROMISED I'D GET A PROMOTION!"
"You got one!" said Beryl. "You're now the chief of cleaning duty. You will forever be known as Lord Janitor!"
"But you said only the lowest ranking Shitennou does cleaning!"
"Yeah, you're still the lowest ranking. You're just a higher low rank!"
"Aww, sweet! I'm moving up in the world!" said Jadeite happily.
He went home to call his parents and tell them he got a promotion, but they blocked his number.
FIN
