"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"
"Jadeite, have you picked up my pizza yet?" Beryl asked.
"Wuuuut?"
"I ordered pizza, but they haven't delivered it. I think they thought I was pranking them, because I told them to drop it off at the North Pole."
"That's really a shame," said Jadeite. "I haven't had pizza since the Silver Millennium."
"Nah screw you I wasn't giving you any anyway. Now go pick up a frozen pizza for me!" Queen Beryl commanded.
"Can I use the company car?"
"Hell no."
"Darn better make Nephrite drive me again," sighed Jadeite.
He showed up at Nephrite's house. But there was a line.
"Heya Zoisite," greeted Jadeite. "What brings you here?"
"I'm always here."
"Fair enough. What are we waiting for?"
"Ugh, he's talking to himself AKA the stars again. This goes on for hours at a time."
"OK IM DONE," called Nephrite. "Who wants to sell me something today?"
"Eww it's you guys," Nephrite moaned, stepping outside. "Who told you my address?"
"Beryl."
"Aww nuts!"
"Nephrite give me all your cheeze nips," demanded Zoisite.
"Nephrite drive me to the grocery," commanded Jadeite.
"Aww come on Jed, can't you take a cab?" Nephrite whined.
"I don't have money."
"Neither do I," said Nephrite.
"Let's go beg Kunzite for money then," suggested Jadeite.
"Oh I was just about to do that!" exclaimed Zoisite. "After I get my CHEEZE NIPS!"
Nephrite reluctantly forked over the cheeze nips, and in exchange, they all went to Kunzite's castle.
"Kunzite," begged all of them, "Can we have gas money for Nephrite's car?"
"No, we can take the new car I just bought!" Kunzite insisted.
They all went out to Kunzite's new VW Beetle.
"Aww sweet!" said Jadeite.
"But there's only two seats?" Nephrite noted.
"Awwwwww what a pity" said Kunzite. "Well cya!"
Kunzite and Zoisite drove off.
But Nephrite and Jadeite had grabbed on to the bottom of their car at the last minute.
Jadeite climbed onto the windshield.
Kunzite turned on the wipers and tried to scrape him off like a bug. But Jadeite had firmly planted himself on the windshield, blocking the view.
"Do you even know where we we're going?" asked Jadeite.
"Nah"
"We're going to the grocery to get Beryl a frozen pizza!" Jadeite explained
"I didn't agree to that," Nephrite objected.
"Well I don't know where any grocery stores are," Kunzite told them. "It's not like I just stroll around the Earth realm failing at stealing energy all day."
"There's one right there!" exclaimed Jadeite.
"I can't see anything!" screamed Kunzite, reaching out his window to shove Jadeite off. But Jadeite bit his hand.
In the scrap that followed, no one saw the giant ramp approaching. The car flew up into the air and landed on top of Andrew.
"RIIIIITAAAA!" cried Andrew. "I'll wait for you in hellllllll!"
Meanwhile, somewhere in Africa, as far from Andrew as Rita could get, Rita felt this strange urge. "TIME TO PARTAAAYA!" celebrated Rita.
They had conveniently killed Andrew in the Kroger parking lot. They parked the car on top of his corpse and went inside.
Jadeite lept inside the shopping cart with the car in front for little kids.
"PUSH ME KUNZITE!"
"Yea right!" barked Kunzite ignoring Jadeite and walking past him.
"I'll push you," sighed Nephrite.
"Gosh Nephypoo, you're such a Nephy-chan!" Jadeite gushed.
Nephrite pushed him into the girl's bathroom and walked away.
"NUUUUUUUUUU!" Jadeite cried, honking on the kiddie horn.
Kunzite pushed his cart through the store.
"OMG KUNZITE LOOK!" yelled Zoisite running up to him. "Canned corn for only $2.99! It's usually $3.01!"
"What a steal!" agreed Kunzite, tossing it in.
"OMG BUT LOOK AT THIS! Buy two generic-brand boxes of french fries, get one free!"
"How can I not buy that!" exclaimed Kunzite.
"HOLY GUACAMOLE!" cried Zoisite.
"What is it?"
"This guacamole is only eight bucks a pound!"
"SWEET MOTHER OF BERYL LET'S BUY IT ALL!"
Meanwhile, Jadeite struggled in the cart.
"OH GAWD WHY DID I CLIMB IN HERE! I CAN'T GET OUT I'M TOO BIG!"
Ms. Haruna walked into the restroom.
"AWWWWUWUHNHWUGHHWJGJG!" she screeched upon seeing him. "PERVERRRRT!"
"I can explain!" Jadeite tried.
She started beating down Jadeite with her purse.
"OOOOF!" he cried. "What do you have in that purse, rocks?!"
He tried again to climb out of the kiddie car, this time through its window. But he got stuck half-way through, and the cart flipped over on top of him.
"HEEEELP!" he cried as Haruna kicked him in the head.
Nephrite walked into the health food section. "Gluten-free granola, yum!"
Then he went to the work-out section. "Gotta stock up on my protein milkshakes! Milk-free protein milkshakes, that is! Yay energy bars! OOooooo bran cereal!"
He walked past Kunzite's cart.
"Eww, are you trying to eat healthy?" mocked Zoisite.
"Can it fatty!" remarked Nephrite. "Here ya go Kunzite," he said, throwing his groceries in Kunzite's cart while Zoisite ran off to cry.
Jadeite dragged himself, cart attached, to the very edge of the lady's room. He almost made it out the door.
He got stopped by the employee.
"Hey, didn't we used to date in a past life?" Jadeite asked upon seeing her.
"Oh gawd, it's that guy again. I told you, that isn't canon!" cried Rei.
"Come on baby," he insisted. "You know you want some of this!"
She looked down at him hanging out of the kiddie cart which was on top of him, and threw up.
"You're not allowed to be in the women's restroom," she told him after regaining composure.
"You don't work here!" argued Jadeite.
"Ya I do!"
"Nuh uh!"
"Yeah huh!"
"That's it I'm getting your manager!" threatened Jadeite.
"WAAT!?" cried Rei. "I'm not going back to Grampa's temple!" she muttered to herself.
"Here, my manager is just behind this door!" she said, pulling his cart out the door.
"Where?" asked Jadeite. "This is just an alley with a dumpster!"
Rei gave his cart a push down a hill and slammed and locked the door.
Zoisite jumped in Nephrite's empty cart (since he had given all his groceries to Kunzite to pay for.)
"QUICK NEPHRITE PUSH ME!"
"Why would I do that?" he asked.
"Don't you want to live a little?" Zoisite encouraged.
"Meh," shrugged Nephrite.
"Now push me as hard as you can!" instructed Zoisite. "In that direction!"
Nephrite followed the instructions and shoved the cart.
"WEEEEEEE!"
But Nephrite pushed the cart too hard and the cart started turning to the right.
"NO NO NO NO NO-" cried Zoisite.
The cart crashed into the side of the aisle with a loud bang. It began spinning Zoisite out of control.
Zoisite fell back in the cart and was pressed by G-force up against the edge.
The cart crashed at terminal velocity into the paper tower stack. The rolls fell everywhere.
Nephrite was running to stop Zoisite's cart from causing any more destruction, but he wasn't fast enough, and by the time he caught up he slipped on paper tower rolls and was sent flying into a stack of soup cans.
They all fell on his head!
"STRIKE!" called Zoisite, clapping.
Nephrite was seeing double. "This is living a little?" he moaned.
He angrily approached Zoisite who was giggling in a pile of paper tower rolls.
"I HAVE A CONCUSSION NOW!" he yelled. "AND JUST WAIT UNTIL THAT WORKER SEES THIS!"
The worker, Rei, overheard this and rushed to see what had happened.
"OH. MY. GAWD. WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?" she scolded.
She pulled them by the ear all the way to the front desk.
She went on the announcer. "I have two goofballs up here who have been reeking havoc throughout the store. Can their parent please come to the front desk?"
Kunzite face-palmed. He left his cart filled to the brim with groceries to go retrieve them.
"Are these your kids?" asked Rei.
"No this is my boyfriend and some guy I work with."
"I see," said Rei. "Well keep them under control, or I'm going to have to throw you out, like that one guy."
"HEEEELP MMEEEE!" yelled Jadeite from outside. He had crashed into a bush and was now getting pecked at by birds. Rei's crows showed up to finish him off.
Kunzite walked back to his cart. "You know Zoisite, you shouldn't lower yourself to getting dragged into Nephrite's shenanigans."
"I didn't even want to do it!" objected Nephrite.
"Suuuuuure."
But when they got back to Kunzite's cart, it was empty!?
"WAAAA!" he cried loudly, so loudly that Rei ran over to scold him.
"WHAT HAPPENED TO MY GROCeRIES!?" he cried.
"Oh, those were your groceries? They looked like a bunch of random things that some kids threw in a cart."
"Well they were!" said Kunzite, "But I was gonna buy them!"
"Well I restocked them already. Sawry!"
Kunzite fell to the floor and cried.
"It's okay," reassured Nephrite. "I'll just go grab more random items!"
Nephrite ran down the aisle with his arm out, knocking everything into the cart.
"There we go, good as new!" said Nephrite.
"Why did Nephrite get to pick out all the random items?" Zoisite whined. "I wanna throw random shit into a cart too!"
"Well tough luck!" barked Nephrite.
"Naww I'll show you!" Zoisite started grabbing more random items and throwing them in. The items began piling to the ceiling.
"Stop that! It's going to tip oveaAHHHHHH!"
All the groceries rained down from the sky, drowning Nephrite, Zoisite and Kunzite.
Rei just stood and stared at them from afar, shaking her head.
After regathering their random shit, they headed to the self check out.
Zoisite ran the first can of peas across the scanner.
"Kunzite it's not scanning!"
"WAAT!?" cried Kunzite.
He too tried to scan the can of peas. But he had no luck.
"Just scan another item of the same price twice!" he suggested.
"I can't find one! I'll just scan this caviar twice!"
"NOOO!" cried Kunzite's wallet.
Instead of putting the can of peas in the bag, Zoisite started eating them.
"Item not in the bagging area," the machine said. "Calling assistance!"
"NO NO NO!" they all cried.
Rei angrily stomped over.
"What seems to be the problem?" she said in a very angry voice.
"It says we didn't bag the peas!"
"Did you bag the peas?"
"Do we have to?"
"Yes, put them in."
Zoisite reluctantly put them in, but it didn't register, because the can was empty now.
Rei sighed and swiped her card to clear off the error message.
They went bag to scanning.
"WAIT!" cried Nephrite. "You scanned my protein shakes only four times, but I bagged five protein shakes!"
"It doesn't matter, they won't know!" Zoisite told him, and started shoveling items into the bags without scanning.
"Unexpected item in the bagging area. Calling assistance," the machine announced.
Rei turned around and walked back over. "Stop playing games!"
"We're not!" cried Kunzite, flustered.
Rei swiped the card again, and took two steps away.
"Unexpected item in the bagging area. Calling assistance."
"HAEEELP!" cried Nephrite.
"Which item didn't you scan?" Rei asked furiously.
"WE DON'T KNOWW!" cried Zoisite, who was leaning against the bagging area so that it was registering him as an unexpected item.
"Get off that!" shouted Rei.
"It's still giving the error message!"
"Well take everything out and make sure it has been scanned!"
They took everything out.
"Items not bagged. Calling assistance!" the machine said, before Rei could even turn around.
"It's not letting us continue until you scan your card!"
Rei screamed. "JUST TAKE THE CARD!"
"Sweet! For keeps?"
"NO!"
"Awww"
They kept putting in items, but every single item they put in spammed the calling assistance message. They swiped the card, but it would still summons Rei, and her manager was watching, so she had to walk over each time.
"WHY DID YOU EVEN GO THROUGH THE SELF CHECK OUT, IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO DO IT!?" cried Rei.
"We didn't want to inconvenience you by making you check us out :("
"Uh oh!" said Nephrite, after scanning all his beer. "It says you need to confirm my age is over 21."
"Show me your ID" sighed Rei.
"ID?" he asked. "I don't think we have those in the Negaverse."
"Wait, the Negaverse?" gasped Rei.
"I mean... the Mega - horse!" improvised Nephrite. "Like the Trojans!"
"?" asked Rei.
"Gosh, why don't ya learn some history?" Nephrite groaned exasperated.
"Just put the liquor back," said Kunzite.
"ME!? PUT LIQUOR BACK!?" Nephrite laughed.
"We can't put it back!" cried Zoisite. "It's already in the bagging area! If we take it out it will just call for assistance!"
"Well it won't let us go on until we scan ID!" Kunzite exclaimed, losing it.
"WHAT DO WE DO!?" screamed Nephrite.
"ASSISTANCE!" they all called in unison.
Rei threw down her nametag and stormed out.
"So do we get to keep the card!?" called Nephrite.
Rei came bag and snatched the card and ripped it up. They all cried.
Zoisite picked up Rei's thrown down nametag after she left. "Look, ID!"
They scanned Rei's ID. But she wasn't 21.
The police came.
It took 45 minutes to sort it all out.
"Yes, sorry for the confusion," apologized the cop. "I now understand that you guys are over 1000. Carry on."
They finished up and hit the pay button.
"What do we pay with?" asked Nephrite. "Debit?! Cash?! Credit!?"
"Shit, I didn't bring any money," realized Kunzite.
"Can we open up a tab?" asked Zoisite.
"We're back with the groceries!" announced Kunzite.
"Oh rly," said Beryl. "It's been three hours. You better have one hella' good frozen pizza."
"Uhhhhh..."
"I have this milk-free protein milkshake!" offered Nephrite.
"Oh boy!" said Beryl. "I'm lactose intolerant but need to work on my muscles! This is perfect!"
"Looks like we slipped under the radar once again," mumbled Zoisite.
"By the way," began Beryl. "Where's Jadeite?"
Jadeite had finally positioned himself upright, but he was still stuck in the cart.
"Wait, if I just twist my arm like this and put my leg through there, I'll be free!"
But then the cart was jerked and everything was ruined. He was more stuck than before.
"WHO DID THIS?!" he cried.
"Urrhgh hunga hunga," mumbled a homeless man. He started pushing Jadeite's cart away from the store.
"WAT!? WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME!?" cried Jadeite. "LET ME GOOOO! HEEEEAAAALP!"
FIN
