"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Jadeite, do you have any plans this evening?" Queen Beryl asked.

"Umm... no...?"

"Good, good," said Beryl, smirking.

"Beryl why are you looking at me like that!?" Jadeite asked nervously.

"Well, if you don't have any plans for tonight, I have something for you to do..." Queen Beryl winked.

Jadeite gulped.


"Jadeite, I'm so glad you could make it to my sleepover! I haven't had friends here in ages!" Queen Beryl laughed, beating down Jadeite with a pillow.

Jadeite held up a pillow to defend himself.

"Jadeite put the pillow down or you will sleep eternally," threatened Beryl.

"Queen Beryl I thought we were friends now!"

"This is how I treat my friends!"

"No wonder you haven't had a friend here in ages..."

Queen Beryl put Jadeite in an eternal sleep.


Jadeite, Nephrite, Zoisite, and Kunzite sat in the Nega Bagel Shop.

"So," began Nephrite. "As many of you may already know, tomorrow is my birthday!"

"Nobody cares," said Zoisite.

"I care!" objected Jadeite.

"Shut up Jadeite," said Nephrite.

"Awww :("

"So anyway... since I'm sure you all must be having a hard time picking out gifts to fit my sophisticated tastes, I made a birthday wishlist to help you guys out!" he told them.

"What's on it?" Kunzite asked disinterestedly.

Nephrite began reciting the list from memory. "A telescope, a harmonica, a three quart bottle of 18th century fine Belgian wine, chocolate scented moisturizing hair conditioner, a Tuxedo Mask cosplay costume, a Ferrari-"

"No."

":("

":)"

"Well the least you can do is come to my birthday party!"

"Where's the invite?" Jadeite asked.

"I emailed it to all of you!"

"Oh, well it must have gone directly to trash," Zoisite told him.

"That's strange..." Nephrite pondered. "It shouldn't do that."

"I set it up so that anything from you gets instantly deleted."

"BUT WHY?!" Nephrite gasped.

"Because you kept sending me chain letters!"

"It's not my fault Queen Beryl keeps forwarding me ones that say if I don't send it to ten people, I'll end up in an eternal sleep!" Nephrite exclaimed defensively.

Jadeite just laughed. "I can't believe you would really fall for those stupid scams. I get that letter from her all the time, and I've never sent it to anyone. And nothing bad has ever happened to me!"

"So yeah, be sure to come to my birthday party!" Nephrite repeated, taking off.

"Where's he off to in such a hurry?" wondered Kunzite.


"Hiya Katy!" Coach Maxfield Stanton said to his student, Molly's sister.

"Hey Coach! I've been practicing spiking the tennis ball into the ground for weeks now, and I've been making progress!"

"Keep up the good work! Also your mom still owes me for the past eight weeks of lessons, so be sure to remind her to fork over the cash!" reminded Nephrite.


It was the day of Nephrite's birthday party.

"OH BOY THIS IS GONNA BE GREAT!" he thought as he showed up at the minigolf course.

"The guests will be arriving any minute now!"

Five hours passed, and no guests arrived.

"...Not even Molly?" Nephrite said sadly.

As it turned out, Molly had actually tried to come, but she couldn't get a lift to the North Pole. She was very frustrated with her mother for refusing to drive her, so she stole the finest jewel from the jewelry store and ran away. She got five blocks from her house before it got stolen by muggers, and her family's store went out of business. They moved into a cardboard box next door to Jadeite.

"Dawgonnit," Nephrite moped. "This is the worst birthday ever! Ever worse than the year Molly bought me a chocolate milkshake, and I learned the hard way that I was lactose intolerant!"

"HAHAHAHAHAHA!" laughed a voice from somewhere nearby.

"Go away!" Nephrite yelled at Zoisite.

"HAHAHAHA nobody came to your party!" Zoisite mocked.

"Yes they did!" lied Nephrite. "They all had so much fun that they got worn out very early on and had to go home!"

"YA RIGHT HAHHAHA YOU SUCK!"

"Wow Zoisite even on my birthday?"

"Especially on your birthday! HAR HAR HAR!"

"Calm down there Satan," Nephrite requested politely.

"No, you can suck it birthday bozo!"

"I couldn't care less that nobody came to my party!" Nephrite shouted. "It's just a shame that the all-access wristbands I got to the mini golf/go karts/bumper cars/arcade will have to go to waste!"

Zoisite was quiet for a moment. "...Did you say mini golf?"


"YAAAAY! ANOTHER HOLE IN ONE!" Zoisite exclaimed, skipping over to the next hole.

"You know it doesn't really count when you levitate the ball into the hole each time. It's not much of a challenge, either," Nephrite tried to explain.

"SUCK IT NEPHRITE!"

Nephrite wanted to actually play the mini golf, so he was hitting the ball with the club. "Got it in in two shots!" he applauded himself. "Not too shabby!"

"BOOOOO YOU SUCK!" Zoisite heckled. "I AM CHAMPION OF MINIGOLF! YOU WILL BOW BEFORE MY SUPERIOR MINI GOLF SKILLS AND WEEP!"

"Quiet down!" a lady yelled. "I am trying to have a relaxing day with my family!"

"THERE IS NOTHING RELAXING ABOUT MINI GOLF! IT IS THE MOST INTENSE AND FAST PACED GAME THERE IS, AND IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE IT, GO EAT A BUCKET OF-"

"I'm very sorry for my... uhhhhh... coworker," Nephrite apologized. "You see he's never played mini golf before and-"

"Well you should be sorry!" the lady's husband yelled. "Your coworker is scaring our children!"

"BACK OFF OLD MAN!" yelled Zoisite. "YOU KNOW THAT'S REAL LOW, HARASSING SOMEONE ON THEIR BIRTHDAY!"

Nephrite was confused. "But you just..."

"AND IF YOU THINK THAT WAS SCARING YOUR CHILDREN, HOW ABOUT THIIIIIS!"

Zoisite lit the children on fire.

The parents starting screaming and pulled out a phone to call the police. The police appeared instantly and all pulled their guns on Zoisite.

"We have you surrounded! You're done for!" the cops announced.

"OH NO!" cried Zoisite. "It's not like I can teleport away or anything!"

At first, Nephrite thought Zoisite was just mocking the cops, because he knew his fellow Shitennou couldn't possibly forget about his ability to teleport! But then Zoisite started crying for real and Nephrite felt kind of bad.

"GO LEO GO!" Nephrite yelled, summoning Leo the Lion from the stars. Leo flew down and mauled all the cops. The cops tried to shoot the lion but because he was made of stars the bullets were ineffective.

"Great work Leo!" said Nephrite. "Now go back up in the sky!"

But Leo the Lion had now tasted human flesh and had an unquenchable thirst for it. It went around mauling everyone in the park, including the burning children and their parents.

Zoisite was floating upside-down laughing hysterically, but then the lion charged him. "Shit!" he cried, quickly teleporting away.

"BUT IF YOU COULD- THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST- OMG!" cried Nephrite in frustration.

Leo the Lion heard Nephrite's exasperated sigh, and turned around and charged him.

"Uh oh!" he cried making a run for it. The lion chased after him.

Jadeite appeared with his arms full of presents. "Hey Nephy, I was caught up with sleeping eternally, but now I'm here to partayyy!" Then he spotted the lion. He remembered an incident not so long ago when Zoisite had triple dog dared him to jump into a lion's pen. It had not gone very well, and since then, he had been deathly afraid of lions.

"HAHAHAHAHA NOPE!" he said warping away.

Nephrite was still running from the lion. But it was gaining on him. He made a wild leap onto a go kart and took off.

"Phew," he said in relief, once he had gotten so far away that the funpark was out of sight. "That was a close one!"

Something bumped into his kart. "Hey, watch where you're going, buster!" Nephrite yelled, honking the horn.

The kart that had bumped him was gaining on him and was about to get in front of him. Nephrite looked over to see who the jerk driver was who was trying to run him off the road.

He gasped. It was Leo!

Before Nephrite could even scream, Leo drove his kart in front of Nephrite's and slammed on the break. Nephrite smashed into him and was thrown from his kart.

"Aaaaa!" he cried as he flew through the air. He braced himself for his demise. "Welp this is where my story ends."

But to his surprise, rather than landing on the concrete and dying, he landed on something soft. He looked up to see what it was.

It was the lion.

The lion went to maul him, but realized after taking one bite that he had green blood.

"Eww!" said Leo. "This isn't the human blood that I have grown accustomed to! I am off, good day, sir!"

The Lion stood up on his hind legs and walked away into the sunset.

"Where will you go now, Leo?" Nephrite wondered.

"Wherever the wind takes me... Wherever the wind-" The Lion caught the scent of a hitchhiker and ran away to go maul him.

"They grow up so fast," Nephrite sighed. He warped back to the funpark.

To his surprise, Zoisite was still there, stealing the wallets of the mauled victims.

"Oh heya Nephrite!"

"Zoisite y are you still here?" Nephrite asked.

"The party hasn't ended yet, has it?"

"Umm... nope!" Nephrite replied.


They went and played at the arcade for ten hours.

Since all the employees were dead, they were able to go in the machines and steal quarters and tickets out. They tipped over that game where you put a coin in and see if it pushes other coins off the shelf. They won skeeball by climbing up on the ramp because there was no one to stop them.

"Thanks for inviting me, Nephrite, this was so much fun!" Zoisite exclaimed.

Nephrite looked shocked.

"Shit!" cried Zoisite, realizing what he had just said. "I mean... FAG!"

Nephrite just smiled. Zoisite went to slug him but he dodged.

They went up to the front desk to cash in their tickets AKA just take all the prizes out because there were no employees.

"Let me count your tickets!" an employee suddenly said, stopping them in their tracks.

"Huh?" Nephrite asked. "I thought the lion killed all of you!"

"The what? My shift just started!" the worker responded.

"Darn," they both said, letting the employee count their tickets.

Nephrite picked out his prizes first. "I'll take the rubber duckie, the bouncy ball, the 2000000 ticket lava lamp, the sticky dinosaur... Say, do you have fine Belgian wine by any chance?"

"No," said the employee. "This is a park for children."

"Eh bruh no need to judge! Fine then, just give me 30 of the temporary tattoos."

"Sorry sir, you're all out of tickets."

"WAT! Where did they all go!? D'awww, I bet it was the bouncy ball. Over priced piece of-"

"And what would you like deary?" the employee asked Zoisite.

"30 temporary tattoos! And one of everything else!"

The employee slaved away at giving Zoisite one of each item in the whole prize booth.

"You have five tickets left," the employee informed him.

"Oh well, I got everything I wanted! You can keep them!" Zoisite replied.

"Lovely," said the employee, going to throw them out.

But then Zoisite had a change of heart. "Actually, can I get another Jolly Rancher with them?"

"Lovely," said the employee, handing him another Jolly Rancher.

"What do you need two Jolly Ranchers for?" asked Nephrite.

"Happy birthday!" said Zoisite, handing him the grape one.

"Really?!" Nephrite gasped in shock. "For me?"

"Yep!"

"D'awwwwwww" said Nephrite.

"BYE FAGGOT!" Zoisite yelled, warping away. "I HATED GRAPE ANYWAY!"


When Zoisite got home, he tried to sneak through the castle so Kunzite wouldn't see him coming in with the prizes. He didn't want to explain why he had arcade prizes instead of rainbow crystals.

"Hey Zoisite, I heard you went to Nephrite's birthday party!"

Zoisite spun around to see Kunzite sitting on a throne reading a newspaper.

"WHAT! HOW DID YOU FIND OUT!?"

Kunzite held up the newspaper. Zoisite read the headline out loud. "Gay Boy Kills Twelve at Local Funpark."

"Wow Kunzite, how rude! You hear a gay guy killed people and you automatically assume it was me?!"

"Read the sub-header," Kunzite told him, handing him the paper.

"The deaths were caused by fire and magical petals," Zoisite read. "Heh heh... Well just because I was at the funpark doesn't mean I was there for Nephrite's birthday party!"

"Read the next page."

Zoisite flipped the page over and read the next headline. "In later news, Zoisite goes to Nephrite's birthday party!?"

Zoisite gasped. Kunzite just shook his head.


"Welp that was a fun birthday!" Nephrite said to himself as he returned to his mansion, sucking on the grape Jolly Rancher. "Too bad I was unable to get all the stuff on my birthday wishlist :("

Suddenly, he heard a rustling sound coming from his observatory.

He opened the door slowly, and the lights turned on.

"SURPRISE!" yelled the stars.

In the middle of the room was a Ferrari, filled with all the other stuff on Nephrite's birthday wishlist.

"My booze! My telescope! MY HARMONICA!" he cried with glee.

"No prob, buddy!" replied the stars.

"Thanks guys!" Nephrite exclaimed joyfully. "I can always count on you!"

FIN