"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"
"...?" asked Queen Beryl.
"Instead of targeting a large group of people, we'll steal energy from just one person who is at the peak of their energy!"
"Brilliant!" exclaimed Queen Beryl. "Why didn't you think of that, Nephrite?"
Nephrite started sputtering. "But I- but you- but he- but...but...butt...but?!"
Nephrite spontaneously combusted.
"Enough buts!" scolded Queen Beryl. "Get to work, Jadeite!"
"Alright I'll hop right on that," responded Jadeite. "So Nephrite, who's at the peak of their energy?"
There was no response.
"Uh oh" said Jadeite.
Jadeite and the gang walked down the street. Nephrite had recovered, but was not very happy. He refused to help Jadeite.
"Hmm it will come to me," thought Jadeite. "Person... at the peak... of their energy! EASY!"
Suddenly he spotted a couple which consisted of a seemingly male blond person and an aqua haired female.
"I bet they're at the peak of their energy," thought Jadeite. "Let's get em!"
Jadeite transformed into Maxfield Stanton.
"But I.. but he... but they..." Nephrite started sputtering.
Zoisite backhanded him to make him get his act together.
Jadeite/Maxfield leaped on the table that the couple was sitting at. "I'm going to steal your energy!" he announced.
"Ok," they said laughing.
"YOU THINK THIS IS A GAME!?" Jadeite demanded. He went to take their energy.
"Hey look over there, a new source of energy!" they shouted.
"Where?!" cried Jadeite, spinning around. "Wait a second."
But by the time he turned back around, he found himself face to face with Sailor Uranus and Neptune.
"WOAH! Why is that guy cross dressing?" Jadeite asked in shock. "Are you like a Starlight or something?"
"You idiot, I'm a girl," said Sailor Uranus.
"No way," said Jadeite. "But you have a girlfriend! That would make you like... like.. like.." Jadeite started sputtering.
The rest of the Shitennou jumped in to protect Jadeite in his vulnerable stuttering state.
Kunzite tackled Sailor Uranus.
"Uranus World Shaking!" she yelled.
Kunzite started spazzing out just like Jadeite. "WTF is this?!" he demanded in anger and shame.
Uranus sucker punched him, knocking him out.
Zoisite was enraged at Kunzite's untimely KO.
"Stop beating up my boyfriend!" he demanded. "You gay people are the worst!"
"You take that back!" yelled Neptune, shooting him with a Neptune Deep Submerge.
"I'm drowning!" he cried. "Wait no I'm not. That wasn't a water attack at all. WTF," he said, disappointed.
Neptune finished off Zoisite.
"Hahaha," laughed Nephrite. "Just because you could take out those homos doesn't mean you stand a chance against the Dark Kingdom's finest and straightest!"
"You take that back!" yelled Neptune and Uranus, finishing off Nephrite with a single blow to the chest.
"Now that that's over with," Uranus started to say.
"Hey I'm still here!" yelled Jadeite, regaining composure.
"You're chopped liver," they told him, and started making out.
"But I- but they- but... girls!" he cried, fleeing.
Sailors Neptune and Uranus flew away.
The Shitennou eventually regained consciousness and regrouped.
"Man that was a brutal beatdown," admitted Jadeite.
"Well maybe if I had some help," Nephrite complained.
"Can it," barked Zoisite.
"Put a sock in it!" yelled Kunzite.
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" cried Jadeite. "I hate it when you guys fight!" he sobbed.
"Awww, we're sorry," said Nephrite. "There there," he comforted.
"No we're not," said Zoisite.
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" cried Jadeite. "I hate it when you guys fight!" he sobbed.
"So anyway," said Kunzite. "How are we going to take them down? We can't allow those who have defeated us to continue walking this Earth!"
"Let's get them by surprise!" suggested Zoisite.
"You mean like a surprise party?" asked Jadeite.
"Jadeite," began Zoisite.
Jadeite flew out the window and crashed to the ground.
"But we don't know their civilian identities!" Nephrite stated. "All we know is that first we were talking to a blond and blue haired lesbian couple, and they were replaced by a blond and blue haired lesbian couple in sailor suites."
"In other words," said Kunzite. "We're starting from nothing. This is going to be a hard one to crack."
"Let's just kill all the gays," suggested Zoisite.
"So we have to kill you too?" asked Nephrite.
"I'm not gay I'm bisexual," lied Zoisite.
"Prove it," said Nephrite. "Kiss a girl."
"EWwww no way! What do you take me for!" cried Zoisite.
"Well it's settled," said Kunzite. "We must bait them out. Surely if they see us in a presumed vulnerable position they will come out from the covers and attack!"
"Alright this is perfect!" Kunzite told them. He put them all in a cage, including himself, and hung it in the middle of town. "Now we just wait."
Sailor Uranus and Neptune showed up as planned.
"We got a call about some innocent people being stuck in a cage?" they asked.
"HEY!" they yelled when they identified who it was. "You guys aren't innocent!"
"ATTACK!" yelled Neptune.
They charged up an attack and aimed it at the cage.
"Quick Kunzite open the door so we can get them!" Nephrite demanded.
"Shit where did I put the key?...?"
"HURRY UP!" screamed Jadeite.
"Let's just teleport out," Zoisite suggested.
"Ok good idea!" agreed Kunzite.
They all got blown up.
The Sailors drove away.
"Quick let's trail them!" Nephrite called, before passing out.
Jadeite was barely conscious, but dragged himself after the motorcycle tracks.
50 miles later, he found where the tracks ended. It was at a small cottage in the middle of the woods.
"GOTCHA!" yelled Jadeite, starting to crawl back to gather the others.
But then he was caught in a mouse trap.
"No, we GOTCHU!" yelled an aqua haired homosexual female.
"Shit, how did I follow the wrong tracks?" cried Jadeite. "You're not Sailor Neptune!"
Sailor Neptune laughed and then threw Jadeite in the basement.
Kunzite, Zoisite, and Nephrite were sitting in the library licking their wounds.
But then two people appeared on the library projector screen.
"WE HAVE SOMETHING YOU WANT!" yelled Sailor Uranus and Neptune.
"YOU!" Kunzite cried.
"A new TV?" asked Nephrite.
"Yeah we really want one of those," explained Zoisite. "People keep showing up on this one!"
"BE QUIET!" screamed the librarian Youma. "People are trying to read!"
"JUST A SECOND!" the Sailors yelled back.
"We have your friend Jadeite!" Sailor Uranus told them.
"Yuck," the Shitennou responded. "Can we have a new TV instead?"
"No! This is your friend!"
"I've never seen that man before in my life," said Zoisite.
"Is that chopped liver?" asked Nephrite.
"If you don't save him, we'll..." Sailor Neptune blanked out on her threat.
"We can beat him up," suggest Sailor Uranus.
"No I don't think they care," Neptune responded.
"We'll turn him into one of us!" screamed Sailor Uranus.
"You're going to make him lesbian?" Nephrite laughed. "I can see it now."
"No, we'll make him a Sailor Scout!"
"So you're going to make him a lesbian?" Kunzite asked.
"Fine be that way! But you'll regret it when he defeats you!"
"Yeah right," they all laughed. They hung up the TV.
"I don't know," said Zoisite, sounding worried. "If we let one of our own become a Sailor Scout, that would be embarrassing! He'd make us all look bad!"
"Shit you're right," said Kunzite. "We can't just have a Shitennou running around in a sailor costume all willy nilly."
"Heh heh," laughed Zoisite nervously.
"So let's go!" Nephrite exclaimed.
"Crap we didn't ask for their address," Kunzite remembered.
"Call them back!"
But they didn't pick up.
"Maybe we can trace their phone line?"
"But it's not a phone it's on the TV!"
"Meh," Kunzite decided. "Jadeite was more of a liability than an asset."
Just then Hotaru turned on the TV from Uranus and Neptune's house.
"Gah gah goo goo!" said baby Hotaru.
"Baby Hotaru!" they all cried. "Give us your address!"
"I don't know if Haruka-papa would approve!" baby Hotaru hesitated.
"No no she said it was ok," Zoisite told the baby.
"Ok then we live at 123 Gayboy Blvd.!"
"Thanks friend!" said Nephrite, hanging up.
They teleported to the address.
When they showed up, Jadeite greeted them with tears of joy and relief. "You boys came to save me!" Jadeite cried with glee. "I knew you cared!"
"No," said Zoisite. "We came here for the new TV."
"Aha!" exclaimed Kunzite. "There it is!"
The three of them charged the scouts' TV. It was a huge flat screen, and required all of them to haul it away.
But when they got it to the door, it didn't fit out.
"Shit," said Nephrite. "How did they get it in here?"
"Maybe through a window," Kunzite suggested.
As they tried and failed to push the TV out the window, they got interrupted.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" exclaimed Haruka.
"You said you had what we wanted!" explained Nephrite.
"But-" started Haruka.
"And we want this TV!"
"I'm not doing this again!" yelled Michiru.
"Let's transform!" Haruka decided.
Michiru grabbed a boom box and it started playing their violin theme. They transformed.
"Woooaaah!" said the Shitennou after the scouts' identities were revealed. "Who would have guessed?"
"Not me," said Jadeite.
After they transformed, they charged the Shitennou. But the Shitennou were prepared this time. Uranus tried to use world shaking but they dodged the simple projectile. Neptune tried to use deep submerge but Kunzite reflected it and it hit the TV.
"NOOO!" everyone sobbed in unison.
"Now it's personal!" yelled Jadeite, breaking free of his restraints and charging Haruka like a mad man. Haruka side stepped and he crashed through the wall.
She grabbed him by the legs, and pulled him out of the wall. When Kunzite, Zoisite and Nephrite charged again, Haruka used Jadeite's body to swat them away.
The Shitennou were laying in a pile recovering, when Haruka threw Jadeite into the pile, knocking them back down like bowling pins.
"We need a plan!" shouted Jadeite.
"Yeah these guys are tough," agreed Nephrite.
They whispered the plan to each other.
The next time the sailors charged them, they held up the TV right before they reached. They stopped in their tracks, careful not to break the semi-broken TV.
That's when Kunzite trapped them in a bubble.
"NOOO LET US OUT!" they cried.
"LOLOLOOOLLOOOL!" laughed Kunzite.
They threw themselves into the walls of the bubble but it was no use. "This isn't fair!" cried Michiru.
"What is this, Austrailian rules?" asked Haruka.
"What?"
"I'll get us out of it!" declared Uranus.
"Wait no!" cried Neptune but it was too late.
"Uranus world shaking!"
She threw the attack but it reflected right off the wall of the bubble. The world shaking bounced all around the bubble as they struggled desperately to dodge it. It hit the ground and caused a semi-earth quake, waking baby Hotaru.
"Now you're done for!" yelled Kunzite, slowly closing the bubble in on them.
"Can't you do it any faster?" asked Nephrite.
"No it's dramatic this way!"
"Venus crescent beam!" yelled Baby Hotaru, shooting Kunzite in the hands and breaking the bubble.
"Son of a Beryl!" cursed Kunzite.
Haruka and Michiru gasped. "Don't use that language in front of the baby!"
"Quick Mama and Papa!" said Hotaru. "I'm giving you super forms so you can beat these guys!"
"How does that work?" the sailors asked.
"Who cares, it's not canon!" laughed Hotaru, giving them slightly longer bows.
"HERE WE GO!" they shouted as a battle cry.
The four Shitennou made a break for it. "We're no match for their longer bows!"
In a moment of confidence, Jadeite turned around and charged them. They threw 1087 consecutive blows and he was no more.
"NOOOOOO!" Nephrite cried. "Oh wait was he the bad one? Nevermind."
Right when the sailors were about to catch them, they remembered they could teleport back to the Negaverse.
"Phew," they sighed, catching their breath. "That was a close one."
Suddenly, Haruka, Michiru, and baby Hotaru appeared in front of them in the Negaverse.
"Crap how did you guys learn how to teleport!?"
"The same way Usagi flew up into the sky once to fight Nehelenia and then could never fly again!"
"Aww no fair," whined Kunzite.
"Stop using non canon attacks at us!" Zoisite sobbed. "What is this, Australian rules?!"
"Ima use my self destruct attack!" decided Sailor Saturn.
"No it's not necessary!" cried Uranus and Neptune. "Just learn an attack that's not suicidal!"
"Nah ima use my self destruct!"
But it was more powerful than Sailor saturn expected and she ended the universe.
"D'aww I knew we should have killed her when we had the chance," Uranus said as she died.
FIN
