"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Shut ya trap you lil shitfaaaaace!" yelled Beryl.

Jadeite sighed in exasperation. "Queen Beryl, have you been doing crack again?"

"No!" Beryl lied, turning her head to take a hit of crack.

"Queen Beryl I saw you do it!" Jadeite accused.

"You aint' seen nothin now, punk!" Beryl shouted at the wall. "Now get out of my chambers at once Nephrite or I'm going to eat you! NOMNOMNOM!"

"Beryl I hate to you see you like this," Jadeite said sadly.

"Put a sock in it Sailor Mars now Ima have to eat you!" said Beryl, pulling a melted Twix bar out of her pocket and smashing it on her forehead. "YUM UR DELICIOUS!"

Jadeite sighed. "I didn't want to have to do this, but come with me Beryl."

"Ok fatboiii!" said Beryl. "I will come with you Metaliooooo!"

Jadeite led Beryl into the next room. There was a circle of chairs and the rest of the Shitennou, Evil Mamoru, Metalia, and Grandpa sat in a circle.

"WHAT IS THIS!?" demanded Beryl in fury. "Is dis some kinda knittin' club?"

"No, this is an intervention," said Jadeite.

Queen Beryl tossed down the Twix bar hastily and made a break for it. But she looked down to do more crack and ran into a pole.

The rest of them restrained her.

"Now you have to listen to our feelings!" explained Jadeite.

"I'd rather die!" cried Beryl.

"Well you're gonna if you keep it up with the crack!"

"Really?" asked Queen Beryl. She did more crack with magic because she was tied up.

"See this is what I mean Beryl," Jadeite started, pulling out a piece of paper that was wet with tears. He read from the paper. "Ever since I was a little kid, I looked up to you. But now, I don't have anyone to look up to, because you do crack all day. I don't even know you anymore. And you don't even know me, you call me 'Loser,' and even 'Nephrite,' which is worse. I just want you to know-"

"Next!" scolded Beryl impatiently, shutting Jadeite down.

"You were never like this before!" sobbed Jadeite tearing up his speech.

"My turn!" said Nephrite. "Queen Beryl. Every night for the past month, you've been showing up at exactly 4:03 AM and knocking on my door. When I answer, you yell, 'It's beatin' time!' and then proceed to punch me in the throat. I told you how this made me feel but you didn't care. The old you would have cared."

"I don't think so," Zoisite disagreed.

"And not to mention how you run my hot water until it turns off and I have to take cold showers every morning. Like why?! Why u do this to me?"

"You're making this shit up!" cried Beryl.

"No you just don't remember because of the crack."

"It's not working!" cried Jadeite. "We're not getting through to her!"

Zoisite stepped up to the plate. "Queen Beryl, ever since you started doing crack you keep calling me a fag. It was funny the first time, I mean, not really, but at least it wasn't incredibly stale. But now it's gotten to the point where it's just cheap, and you used to have better insults than this."

"Shut it fag, and give me some crack cocaine!" yelled Beryl, slapping him.

":("

"Listen Queen," said Kunzite. "I'm not usually one to expect much from you, but recently you went too far. You killed my boyfriend right in front of me and then made me work with the enemy as he blatantly sabotaged."

"Wow Kunzite," said Queen Beryl. "At least the others were trying to be believable. You're just making shit up, I would never do that!"

Queen Beryl shook her head and did more crack. "And I thought he was a good one."

"How much am I being payed to be here?" Evil Mamoru interrupted.

"Not to mention what you did with that guy," Jadeite added. "You must have been doing some serious crack the day you decided to hypnotize the enemy! Especially considering how energy poor we are!"

"And whose fault is that?" asked Beryl.

"I mean all in all it's the captain who is responsible for his ship," Nephrite explained. "See what I'm saying?"

"I see that I'm out of crack!" cried Beryl. "Get me moooooar!"

"Queen Beryl what have you become," said Grandpa. "I remember a young girl who loved life and had dreams. Now you're just a shell of your former self. I just want to be with the Beryl I knew and loved."

"WHO INVITED THAT FREAK!?" screamed Beryl. "Zoisite fag?"

"Leave me alone!" cried Zoisite, walking out the door.

"Or was it Jadeite loser? Jadeite Nephrite?"

Jadeite and Nephrite left in tears.

"I bet it was that fibber Kunzite!"

Kunzite stormed off.

Beryl was all alone.

"When am I getting paid?" Mamoru asked again.

"Oh woe is me," sobbed Beryl. "I have no friends and I'm out of crack. I spent the quarter ounce of energy that my staff as a whole collected on crack and now it's gone and I have nothing."

"Go to rehab you loser," said Metalia. "I don't pay you to do crack and kill the Shitennous I revived."

"Suck it Metalia!" yelled Beryl in a crack fueled rage.

"Let's go, pipsqueak," challenged Metalia.

Queen Beryl went to punch Metalia but there was nothing to hit because she was a blob.

"Now, if you lose," began Metalia, "You must go to rehab without a fight!"

"Yeah right!" said Beryl, making a break for it.

But Metalia lured her back in with crack on a fishing hook. When Beryl reached the source of the hook, Metalia devoured her soul.

"Aww," Beryl admitted in defeat. "I guess I'm going to rehab."


"Goodbye, Beryl!" called the Shitennou, bidding Beryl a farewell. "Get well soon!"

"Oh no you don't!" yelled Beryl. "If I'm going to that hellhole, you're coming with me!"

"Look at the time, I really must be going," said Kunzite grabbing Zoisite and teleporting away.

"Yeah my alcohol is calling me, we really need to get going too..." Nephrite started. Nephrite and Jadeite made a run for it.

"OH NO YOU DON'T!" screamed Beryl, grabbing them by their collars.

"But I don't have a problem!" cried Nephrite, chugging alcohol.

"Idk Nephrite maybe you can work on that," Jadeite said encouragingly.

"Work on what?"

"Me, on the other hand," said Jadeite. "Am addicted to making new friends! I'm sure I'll make a ton of them at the rehab, there must be quality characters there!"

"How come Kunzite and Zoisite don't have to go?" demanded Nephrite.

"Because they teleported away fast enough. If you weren't so drunk, you could have too."

"D'awww."

Queen Beryl warped them all to the rehab.


"Welcome to rehab!" said the employee.

Beryl slugged him. "GIVE ME CRRAAAACK!"

"Now now," he struggled. "Let's go to the drug addiction meeting, shall we?" he said dragging Beryl and Nephrite. Jadeite tagged along.

"This place is like a hotel, but with crazy people!" Jadeite said joyfully.

"Ok so we're going to go around the circle and say what we are addicted to. The first step to recovery is admitting-"

"Yeah yeah yeah," barked Beryl. "Now where can I get me some crack?"

"Introduce yourself!" they all encouraged.

"Ok, I'm Queen Beryl. I will do anything for some crack right now. ANYTHING!"

"Hello, Queen Beryl," said the group.

Nephrite went next.

"I'm Nephrite, and I'm addicted to being too cool for my pants."

"Hello noob boy," said the group.

"I'm Jadeite! I don't have an addiction but I want to make some friends! I enjoy long walks on the beach and being surrounded by people who care!"

The group beat up Jadeite.

"Hello, I'm Catsy," said a raspy English dub voice. "I'm addicted to smoking!" she coughed.

"Heya Catsy, let's be friends!" said Jadeite.

"No thanks," she rasped.

"awww"

"I'm Chibi-usa! I'm addicted to being obnoxious!"

"Hello Chibi-usa be my friend?" asked Jadeite.

"Get away from me weird old man!" she cried.

"awww"

"Hello boys. I'm Grandpa. I'm addicted to sex."

"What kind of sex?" asked the host out of curiosity.

"Boys, girls, chairs, animals, tables, people, aliens, large sillouette faces that are supposed to be queens I guess, planets i.e. Nemesis, plants, fungi, bacterium, protists, moneran, archaebacteria, eukayotes, cells, elements, red, blue, yellow, peach, mauve, vanilla, chocolate, strawberry, pizza, one, two, three ways, stuffed animals, phone sex, car sex, cyber sex, three sex, insects, bisex, biceps, quadroceps, anime, manga, mango, pineapple-"

"Thank you," said the host.

Even Jadeite didn't ask to be friends this time.

"Now let's say what we think caused our addictions."

"Well ya see," said Beryl. "I was living without crack. But then I figured, hey. I'm gonna be killed by Sailor Moon any minute now. Why not live a little? And there's nothing to lose! Even when I run out of money, I can just make my servants go get me more crack!"

Jadeite and Nephrite shivered at the thought.

"Crack is love, crack is life," Beryl finished her inspirational speech.

The crowd thought for moment.

Then, the host snapped. "SHE'S RIGHT! LET'S ALL DO CRACK!"

The whole rehab ran out of the building to buy crack. They all did some together.

"Wwijwjiefwemgamlkerglkaerh!" they spammed. "YOLO ROLO!"

They had a wild party and took it to Vegas where they did more crack. Jadeite made tons of friends and they all had a great time. Nephrite got over his alcholism, in exchange for crack. For the next three years they all toured the world, doing crack.

But then the world was out of crack.

Tired and hung over, Beryl retreated back to the palace. But when she got there there was a note on the door.

"We waited a couple years for you Beryl but you didn't come back. We have been running the place much better without your crack addiction so go find a new home. Best wishes, Kunzite & Zoisite."

"WWAAAAT?!" screamed Beryl. She retreated to the homeless shelter Nephrite and Jadeite were at.

"You too?" they asked when she arrived.

Beryl sighed and ate soup. "This is shit compared to crack."

"Hey I snuck in some crack," whispered Jadeite.

"WHERERE MAN!? WHERE!?"

"Oops I did it already," Jadeite forgot. "Man you shouldn't have encouraged me to do this stuff, now you have competition!"

"WHAT!?" screeched Beryl. She pummeled Jadeite.

The homeless shelter turned on the TV.

"In later news, the Negaverse was successful for once. We have its new owners on the scene to explain why they were suddenly able to succeed."

"Well," said Kunzite into the camera. "We had this crazy lady Beryl using all our energy on crack."

"But now she's gone and we don't have to do crack to prevent her from making us sleep eternally," Zoisite added.

Beryl was steamed. She ran out into the street until she found a homeless man doing crack.

"ARRGHAAA!" she screamed at the sky.

"Want some crack?" asked the homeless man.

"Sure," sighed Beryl. She sat down beside him and YOLO ROLO'd.

FIN


Epilogue:

A lady by the name of Beryl was found dead on the street from a drug overdose on the night of January 5th, 1967. She was accompanied by her stray cats, Nephrite and Loserboy. The cats refused to answer any questions and one of them asked if he could have some alcohol.