"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"
"Tell me what it is, Jadeite," Beryl asked.
"Actually, Queen Beryl, I must confess. I was lying when I told you I found a new source of energy."
"Oh. Then it's time for you to die?"
"Not exactly. You see, the human's have this thing called Valentine's Day..."
"Oh lord..."
"And on Valentine's Day, they ask a special someone to be their Valetine..."
"Oh heavens..."
"Queen Beryl, will you be that special someone? Will you be my Valentine?"
Beryl was completely and utterly silent for a good ten minutes. Finally, she started chuckling lightly. The chuckling picked up and grew into a loud guffaw.
"HA HAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHAH HAH HHHAHAHAHAH!" laughed Queen Beryl. "HAHAH HAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHA HHAHAHAHAH AH HAH AH HA HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA HAH AH AH HA HAHA HA HAH HA HAH AH HAHHAH!"
"It's not that funny..." Jadeite said quietly.
"AHAHHAHAHAH HAH HAH AHA YES IT IS! HAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAH AH HA HA HAH HA AAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAA AHH HHH HA HAH ARRR RAHHAHAHAHA HAHAHAH EHEEEH HHEEHEHHEHE CACKLE CACKLE SMACKLE HAHAHAH AHHAHA HARDEY HAR HAR HAR HAR!"
"Alright Queen you don't have to rub it in..."
"HAHAHAH YES I DO HAHAHAH HEHE HEHEHEH EEE EJEHHEHEE LOLOLOLLOL LOOOOOOOL LELELELELELEELLEELEL KEKEKEKEKE KKEK EKK KEK EKKKE KKEK KE HAHAHAHAH LOL REKT HAHAHHAHAHAHAH AOMG LOL OMFG LMAOOOIOOOOOOOO!"
Jadeite hung his head in shame.
Nephrite knocked on Molly's apartment's door. He had with him a bouquet of flowers, a box of chocolates, and a car with a ribbon on it.
Molly's mom answered.
"Shit," said Nephrite.
"Who are you?" Molly's mom asked.
"Hmm, remember that time Molly stole a precious jewel from you to bring to some evil guy?"
"Yes..." Molly's mom said slowly.
"I'm that guy!"
Molly's mom slammed the door.
"WAIT!" cried Nephrite. "I also saved her from a monster! Doesn't that count for anything?!"
"No," said Molly's mom through the mail slot.
Nephrite started climbing in through the doggy door. "At least let me see her!"
"NO!"
"PLEEEEEEASE!"
"I couldn't even if I wanted to! She's out on a date with that spiffy young lad, Melvin."
"WHO NOW!? Nephrite screamed. He was determined to take out this Melvin character once and for all.
But he was stuck in the doggy door. "Mind bringing me some butter?"
Molly's mom reluctantly helped him slip out.
"Thanks."
Then his anger resumed, and he threw the car he had bought for Molly into their apartment wall in rage.
"ARRRRGGH MELVIN!"
"AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAH ahahaHAHahahahahahahahahahahahahh HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHahahahahahahhaahhahahahahaha
ha
ha
ha
ha
ha
ha
ha
ha hahahahhahahhaHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH ROFL"
"Queen Beryl..." started Jadeite.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHhzh"
"Nevermind then Beryl I didn't want this..."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HAAAA HARRRRRRR HAHAHAHHAHA AHHAH LMAOOOOOOOOO ROFL XD XD XD XD!"
"Heya Kunzite!" began Zoisite. "You know what today is?"
"The day I finally discover the moon princess's identity?"
"No..."
Kunzite hung his head. "Yeah I should have figured."
"It's Valentine's Day!"
"What?"
"The day the humans celebrate love!" Zoisite explained.
"You sound like a Jadeite."
Zoisite gasped. "Ouch! How could you on Valentine's Day?!"
"I've never heard of such a holiday," Kunzite replied.
"They had it on the Moon Kingdom!"
"Oh yeah I remember now! The moon princess used to do stuff on that day!"
"Yeah... So what plans did you make for us :D :D :D" Zoisite asked enthusiastically.
"Ummm... plans...?"
"PLANS! :D :D :D :D :D :D"
Kunzite turned away nervously.
"What's that you're holding?" Zoisite snatched the ice rink tickets from his hand. "OH BOY! You're taking me ice skating!"
"Well actually," said Kunzite. "The moon princess used to-"
"WHOOPEE LETS GO!"
They showed up at the ice rink.
"Ah yes, that girl is pro at skating! She must be the moon princess!" Kunzite said in reference to Sailor Jupiter.
"STOP TRYING TO SPEND TIME WITH OTHER GIRLS!" Zoisite sobbed. "PAY ATTENTION TO ME!"
"If I have to..." said Kunzite, distracted by the brilliance of his plan.
"WOW. Are we going skating or not?!"
"Ye," said Kunzite reluctantly.
They walked up to the counter.
"We'll have two pairs of skates pls and ty," said Kunzite.
"Sorry sir, we only have one pair left."
Zoisite gasped.
"HA HA HA HAH HA H *COUGH COUGH COUGH* HAHAHAHA HAH AHAH AH ha ha ha haaa haaaaaa heh-"
Jadeite sighed. "Are you done ye-"
"HAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HAAAAAAAAAAAA HAAAA HARDY HOOOOO HOOOOOOO WBOOOOOOOO WEEEABBOOOOOO WIPPITY WOBBLY WUMBOUHHHHHH YAHOOOOOOOO!"
"WEE THIS IS SO MUCH FUN!" exclaimed Kunzite as he skated around the ice rink.
Zoisite sat next to Usagi, pouting. "It's Valentine's Day and my boyfriend took the only pair of skates :("
"Aww that's a bummer," replied Usagi. "I used to have a boyfriend, but then these douches named Kunzite and Zoisite kidnapped him and made him evil."
"Hey don't blame me," exclaimed Zoisite. "I tried to kill him so they wouldn't even get a chance to hypnotize him!"
"Do I know you?" asked Usagi curiously.
Nephrite stared through the window of the diner.
"GRRRRR!" he grumbled.
He watched angrily as Melvin fed Molly shrimp.
"THAT LITTLE-"
Then he saw Melvin notice him. He ducked under the window, but when he looked back up, Melvin was still staring. Nephrite was frozen in place. He made a weak wave.
Melvin stuck his tongue out and winked.
"THAT DOES IT YOU LIL NERDO! I'M GOING IN THERE!" Nephrite screamed.
"Wait a minute, I can't go in there without a date! Everyone will make fun of me! They'll think I'm single on Valentine's, which I am!"
"Oh woe is me!" said a girl walking down the street nearby. "I'm the Sailor of love and I don't even have a boyfriend! WAAAa D: D: D: D: D:"
Nephrite made his move.
"Hey girl. I'm a boy!"
"Holy crap you are!" exclaimed Minako.
"Wanna go on a date?" asked Nephrite.
"Sure! Let's go here!" Minako suggested, pointing at a nearby restaurant.
"Nah nah nah, how about this place?" Nephrite insisted.
"But all the losers go there!"
"D'awww," said Nephrite, dragging her inside.
"Table for one again?" the waiter asked.
"NOPE! Two this time!"
The waiter gasped. "Wait a minute, it isn't your mom, is it?"
"NOPE!"
The waiter gasped again. He ran into the back and grabbed all the other waiters. They all gasped and pointed.
Nephrite overheard them saying things like "She's out of his league," and "She's definitely a minor!"
After hearing a waitress say, "But isn't he gay?" he barged in and sat down near Molly's table. He pulled out binoculars.
"Umm, so what's your name?" asked Venus.
"Melvin..." Nephrite grumbled in anger as he watched Melvin pass Molly a napkin.
"Oh, I know someone else named Melvin! He's a nerdboy! Are you a nerdboy?"
Nephrite watched as Melvin hit his elbow on the table. "YESSSS!"
"Ah, so you are a nerdboy," Venus deduced. "What nerd stuff are you into?"
Nephrite continued to watch Molly closely. "Wow," thought Nephrite. "That Melvinnerd has been talking to that waiter for a while."
"GAY!" he accused out loud.
"You're into gay nerd stuff?" Minako asked.
"YESSSSSS!" Nephrite said gleefully, as Melvin spilled his drink.
"Are you even listening to me?" Minako demanded.
Nephrite shushed her impatiently.
"YOU KNOW I HAVE OTHER OPTIONS!" Minako lied. "IF YOU DON'T START TREATING ME BETTER, I'M GONE!"
"Put a sock in it, blondie!" Nephrite barked.
Minako shrunk into her seat and sighed.
"LALALALALA LAHA LAHAA XD D XDXD LMAOOOO HAHAHAHAH WOOP LOLOO HAHAHAHHAH HAH HAH AH AH HAH HAAH HAH AHAH H"
Just then, Melvin got up to go to the bathroom, to wash the drink off himself. As soon as he went into the men's room, Nephrite put a chair in front of the door, trapping him.
He made his move over to Molly's table.
"HEY MOLLY!" Nephrite said suavely, sliding into the seat and passing her some flowers.
"OY NEPHROOYT!" Molly exclaimed. "Woy are you hoyre?"
"I just saw a beautiful girl in the window, and thought I had to stop by and say hello ;D"
"D'aww, but Oy'm on a doyte! Hoy's in the bathroym, he should be awt any meenoyte!"
"Forget about that four eyed geek!" Nephrite insisted. "I'm cooler! And I can drive!"
"OY, you can droyve? Oy loyke goys that can droyve!" Molly exclaimed.
"I can't understand a word you're saying, but I'm guessing you asked me to kiss you?"
Meanwhile Venus sat alone at her table. She stared at her watch and sighed.
Nephrite went in for the kiss. But instead of his lips hitting Molly, they hit a flying shrimp.
"INTERCePTED!" yelled Melvin, flying into the room. "What are you doing with my Molly?"
"How did you escape?!" demanded Nephrite.
"I climbed out the window and fell in the dumpster! Then I walked all the way around, and came back in through the front! They made me pay for the buffet again!"
"Ok, well you can get going now!" Nephrite told him. "Molly is mine!"
"Mess with my girl? No way!" Melvin shouted, charging. He stabbed Nephrite with a steak knife.
"Youch!"
Nephrite thought fast, and threw salt in Melvin's eyes. But the glasses shielded him.
"Who's a four eyed geek now?!" taunted Melvin.
Nephrite picked up a chair and smashed it on Melvin, sending him flying across the room.
"Noooo!" Molly cried. "Don't fight over me!" She handed Melvin a sword. "But ya know, if you do want to fight over me, don't get taken down this easily!"
Melvin charged Nephrite with the sword. Nephrite side-stepped effortlessly. Melvin tripped and fell over a table, stabbing himself with the sword.
"Aww, I guess that's why my mommy told me never to run with scissors!" he said. He died.
"Now that it's just you and me, how about that kiss?" asked Nephrite.
"WHY DID YOU KILL HIM!?" Molly sobbed.
"Because he's a nerd. And technically he killed himself, so..."
"You're a monster!" Molly cried.
"Fine, be that way," said Nephrite, throwing down the box of chocolates.
"KISS ME!" yelled Molly. They made out passionately for three seconds.
"HEY!" screamed Venus. "WTF IS THIS!?"
"Who awre yee?" demanded Molly.
"I'm that guy's date!"
"WOOOT!?" Molly gasped. "Back awf, he's moyne!"
Molly and Minako started slugging it out.
"Gosh," said Nephrite. "Being in a love triangle is hard work. I think ima go home."
He left without paying the bill.
Kunzite got tired of ice skating joyfully and went back to business.
"Now to target in on the moon princess!" he decided.
"Excuse me," asked Makoto. "You've been circling me for half an hour. You don't like, think I'm the moon princess or anything?"
"Shit she's on to me!" cried Kunzite, charging.
But when he went to attack, his ice skates gave out on him and he fell.
"WHAT HAPPENED?!" he demanded.
"I've had enough!" yelled Zoisite. "I cancelled the ice skate rental, so they locked up your skates!"
"HOW COULD YOU?!"
"SCREW YOU JACKASS!"
Kunzite took the skates off. "I'm still going for it!"
He ran towards Sailor Jupiter but slipped and slid across the ice rink.
He slid straight for Usagi. She tried to run, but she couldn't stand on the ice. "This is where my story ends!" she cried.
But at the last second, "Evil" Mamoru skated in. He grabbed Usagi and pulled her out of the way.
"Mamoru you saved me!"
"Nope I'm evil!"
"Not really since you literally saved me!"
"Shhhh!"
"So you did remember Valentine's Day after all?" Usagi gushed.
"What's Valentine's Day?" Mamoru asked. "Here, let me teach you how to ice skate!"
"WEEEEEE!"
"WOOOOO!"
They iceskated happily while Kunzite layed against the wall dizzily, after having smashed into it.
Zoisite walked over to him.
Kunzite looked up and saw Zoisite glaring over him.
Zoisite didn't say a word and just shook his head and walked away.
"Wait I got u chocolates!"
"Chocolates?!" Zoisite gasped, taking him back instantly.
But when he opened the box it was empty.
"Ok so I might of had a few..."
"D'aww," said Zoisite. "Well it's the thought that counts! :D :D :D"
"HOOO HAR HOO HEE HUMM HAHAHAHAHAH HA HAH AH HA HAH AH AH AH HA HAH AH HAH AH !" Beryl continued.
"How has she gone this long without breathing?!" Jadeite wondered.
"HEE HEH EH E HEH EHEHEH EH EHEH AHAHHAH HA HAH AH HAH AH AH HAH AH AH TEE HEE HE E HE HEH EHEH EHAH HAHAHAHAHHAHAH!"
"Alright Beryl I guess I'm going home," Jadeite resigned.
He was almost out the door, when the laughter stopped.
He turned around slowly, thinking she might have died from lack of oxygen.
"You know what?" said Beryl. "I think I'll take you up on your offer!
"WUUUUT!?" Jadeite gasped, thinking it was some kind of sick joke.
"Yeah, I mean, I don't have much pickings for guys around here. Two of them are gay together, and the other one is too busy chasing after minors to notice me. The last time I tried to get with someone from outside our kingdom, it was the downfall of us all! Meanwhile, you've been forever alone all along. So yes, Jadeite. I will be your Valentine."
Jadeite passed out in shock, and slept through the rest of Valentine's Day.
FIN
