"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"
"Jadeite this bit is getting old. I think your time in the Negaverse is coming to a close."
"NO BERYL PLEASE YOU MUST BE JOKING RIGHT!?"
"Lol yes. Get back to work."
"Gee thanks Beryl!"
"Jk on the first jk! You're fired! Time to die!"
"No Beryl give me one last chance, please!" Jadeite begged.
"Alright Jadeite you can live."
"Oh boy thanks Beryl! I won't let ya down!"
"PYSCHE!" yelled Queen Beryl.
Jadeite started crying. "Why are you doing this to me!?"
"April Fools!" laughed Beryl. "I would never kill you!"
"Gee I knew it! Wait a minute it's Februar-AHHHHHHHHHH!"
Jadeite was slain. Jadeite was no more.
"Queen Beryl," began Kunzite, entering the room. "I found a new source of moon princess!"
"Sure Kunzite, what is it?"
"Well ya see, back in the silver *COUGH* Sorry, the silver *COUGH*"
"Kunzite are you okay?" asked Beryl.
"COUGH COUGH no I'm not feeling too spiffy COUGH COUGH I'm dying uh oh COUGH COUGH oh gawd someone help me!"
Queen Beryl didn't move. "It's too late for you Kunzite."
"No Beryl you just gotta help me COUGH I'm not dead yet COUGH but I will be if you don't COUGH COUGH COUGH help me COUGH COUGH COUGH COUGH COUGH oof I died X_X RIP"
"Shame," said Beryl. "I guess it was just his time."
"Whelp better have a Shitennou meeting!" decided Beryl.
She called down the Shitennou.
"So Beryl," began Zoisite. "Did you like Kunzite's new source of moon princess? He worked real hard on it, he's a great employee!"
"Well you see Zoisite," Beryl began. "This isn't easy for me to tell you but… Wait yes it is. Lol Kunzite died."
"WHAT?!" gasped Zoisite. "WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM!?"
"I didn't do nothing," said Beryl.
"LIES!" cried Zoisite.
"No I literally did nothing. Even as he choked to death."
Zoisite charged Beryl. Beryl stuck her hand out to block him but he continued to run even though he was blocked. After two hours he gave up and lied down and sobbed.
"What's his beef?" asked Nephrite. "Did someone die or something? Was it Jadeite?"
"I'm right here," Jadeite barked angrily.
"Not for long," said Beryl.
"Then what's the issue?" Nephrite wondered.
"Kunzite died," repeated Beryl.
"LOL!" screamed Nephrite. "LOL ZOISITE YOUR BF DIED!"
Zoisite just cried.
"Alright," said Beryl. "We need a replacement top Shitennou."
"Wait wait wait," said Nephrite. "Does this mean I get to take over Kunzite's rank and title since I'm his predecessor?"
"No way!" yelled Zoisite in between sobs. "I'm his predecessor! He wrote it in his will!"
"What, this will?" asked Nephrite, tearing up the will.
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUWW!" cried Zoisite.
"No," Beryl explained. "I say we have a talent show! Isn't that how Kunzite got his rank in the first place?"
"I don't think so," said Jadeite.
"Yeah huh I remember it like it was yesterday…" said Beryl, fading into a flashback.
"Umm, are we supposed to be seeing what you're seeing?" asked Nephrite.
"Yeah, didn't you?"
"No…"
"Tartar sauce," sighed Beryl. "Well screw you, we're having a talent show for his position.
"This'll be easy, if I'm just participating against these two nitwits!" Nephrite said giddily.
"Anyone can participate," decided Beryl.
"Darn it," said Nephrite. "Now I have to practice! It's been years!"
"Contest is tomorrow. Glhf!" yelled Beryl, warping away.
It was the day of the contest. Everyone waited behind the stage.
"Welcome, all, to Negaverse Got Talent!" announced Beryl to the audience. "I'm here with my two guest judges, Wiseman and Professor Tomoe."
"Heya!" said Professor Tomoe.
"So what are you a professor of, anyway?" Beryl asked him.
"None of your beeeeeswax!" he told her.
"Fair enough. And how about you, 'Wiseman?' What makes you so wise? I don't see why a wise person would wear something as hideous as your outfit."
The crowd all laughed as Wiseman hung his head.
"Hey, I'm good at this. I should compete!" said Beryl. "Nah competing is for peasants. And speaking of peasants, here's our first competitor, Rei's Grandpa!"
Usagi turned to Rei who was sitting next to her in the audience. "This is gonna be good!"
"Oh boy," moaned Rei, covering her eyes. "Why did they have to associate him with me?!"
"Hey boys," said Rei's Grandpa. "I'm gonna do a ventriloquism act with Grandpa Jr.!"
"Dammit!" cried Jadeite from backstage. "He stole my act!"
"You're an idiot," said Zoisite to Jadeite.
"Shut up dead boyfriend McGee!" yelled Jadeite.
Zoisite slugged Jadeite and then went back to mourning.
Grandpa continued. "Grandpa Jr., say hello to the crowd!"
"Where's his dummy?" asked Usagi.
Then Grandpa dropped his pants. The whole audience gasped.
He was hauled off the stage by a cane.
"Ok," said Beryl. "Next act!"
"Hi, we're the Three Lights," said Seiya. "Today we'll be singing a little diddy. You've probably heard it, it's our one hit wonder, Search for Your Love!"
"PLEASE NOT AGAIN!" cried the audience.
"Nope we're doing it," Seiya announced. "1, 2, 3, 4! Search for your love! Search for your love! Search for your love! Na nan a nan a na!"
Beryl pressed her buzzer.
"Why is this in English?!" she demanded. "We're Japanese!"
"Why are there pictures in my head of Princess Kakyuukiaiikuuka?" Tomoe demanded.
"Who?" asked Wiseman.
"Same," agreed Tomoe.
They both hit their buzzers.
"Sorry boys that's a unanimous no!"
"Gosh darn!" yelled Taiki. "Now we'll never find out princess!"
"I'm right here," yelled Princess Kakyuuukykykykykyk from the audience.
"PRINCESS?!" they cried, tears flooding their eyes.
But they got pulled off the stage and Princess Kakakakakakakkakayuuuuu sacrificed herself for no reason.
"NEXT!" screamed Beryl.
"Hi guys I'm Zoisite."
"Oh brother," sighed Beryl. "I'd push your buzzers now if I were you," she whispered to the other judges."
"So recently I *sniff* lost someone very important to me."
"BOOOOO!" screamed Beryl.
"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" yelled Nephrite from backstage.
"Anyway, I'm going to do a magic trick. Can I have some money? Put it on the edge of the stage. Checks would be fine."
The judges skeptically put some cash on the stage.
"Now, I'm going to make this money disappear!" explained Zoisite. He snapped his fingers and the money vanished. "It's gone!"
"Alright thanks everyone," he said leaving. Everyone started applauding except for the shocked judges. They all slammed their buzzers angrily but it was too late.
"NEEEEEEEEXT!" screamed Beryl in fury.
"Hidy ho, it's MELVIN!" Melvin announced.
"Shhh!" exclaimed Molly. "It's Melvina now!"
"But Molly! Why do I have wear a dress? And make up?"
"It's part of the act!" Molly insisted.
"ALRIGHT LET'S GOOO!" said Melvin enthusiastically.
They started singing the Sailor Moon theme song horribly.
"I don't know," said Beryl. "I don't like the message this song is trying to send. But the clown is kind of funny."
"That girl up there is kind of cute!" said Prof. Tomoe.
"What, the redhead?" Beryl asked.
"No, the one with the glasses!"
"You know that's a guy…" said Wiseman.
"Boys shmoys!" Tomoe told him.
Wiseman sighed.
"Nan nan na nan a na SAILOR YELL! N anananan SAILOR EYES! Nannsna nan an an an nan nan COLISEUM! Nananan SECRET KISS! Nananann SAILOR WIND!"
"I don't know this season!" screamed Beryl, slamming her button. Wiseman pressed his button too.
But Tomoe was too love struck by Melvina, AKA Melvin.
"JUST PUSH THE BUTTON!" screamed Wiseman. "MAKE IT STOP!"
"NEVER!" cried Tomoe.
Wiseman went to push his button but Tomoe shoved him. They started tussling on the floor. Beryl reached over and pressed his button.
"HEY, That'S CHEATING!" yelled Melvina!
"Shut it I'm the judge!" Beryl yelled back. "GET OFF THE STAGE!"
They sent in a hook but Melvin leaped into the audience and made a run for it.
"SECURITY!" yelled Beryl.
Melvina was dragged out by Droidos.
"Ok, now the next contestant will be-"
"HIDY HOOOO!" screamed Melvin as he ran back in. They tasered him and dragged him back out.
"GRANDPA Jr. IS BACK!" yelled Grandpa from behind the curtain. He was about to run out and streak, but they called a hasty commercial break while the curtain was dropped.
"The Sailor V Game! Crush the enemy! Have it somehow reflect your skills as a Sailor! It's fun for everyone!" the commercial read.
"BOOOOOO!" yelled everyone from back stage, while they watched the commercial on a small black and white television. "BOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"Diana the cat's 9 lives cat food! For all those times enemies barely throw you into a pillow, but you almost die! Your cat will love it! Especially if it's a newborn from the future!"
"BOOOOOOOOOO!" yelled everyone.
"Why are all these commercials garbage?" asked Nephrite.
"If you get Galaxy TV, you can record up to two programs at different times! For all two sides of you! We're the best and only cable company around during season five, so be sure to check us out on Facebook!"
Then Galaxia appeared on the TV. "OR ELSE I WILL TAKE YOUR STAR SEEDS!" she threatened.
"Lol," laughed everyone backstage. "We won't last that long!"
"Hi guys, it's me, your favorite Starlight, Taiki!"
"Look Ami, it's your bae!" Usagi said nudging Ami, who was on her other side.
"Aww yuck I'm not gay," said Ami.
"U sure?" asked Rei.
"U wot m8," said Ami.
The Taiki on the commercial continued. "I'm here to sell you a very special hair care product, that will make all the guys/girls love you, and all the guys/girls want to be you! It's called Tail & Tail, to get the perfect stupid ponytail to make you look ugly! All us Starlight use it, and look where it's gotten us! On the back of a cereal box and on this shitty 20 buck commercial! So buy it! And Search for your love! Nan nananana-"
Beryl cut off the commercials as the camera man had finally lined up a blur bar for Gramps, who was being dragged away.
"Come on, who's next?" asked Beryl. "Please be someone good!"
"Hi, it's us, Haruka and Michiru!"
"Who?" asked Beryl.
"Phew," said Tomoe. "For a second there I thought you were Sailors Neptune and Uranus!"
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!" laughed Neptune.
"AHAHAHHAHAAHAHHAHAHAHA!" laughed Uranus. "THAT WOULD BE CRAZY!
"ABSURD I TELL YOU!" added Neptune.
"What's your act?" groaned Wiseman.
"Today I'll be playing the outer scouts' theme song on my violin, while balancing TWO, count 'em, TWO lemons!" Neptune explained.
"Who would have guessed?" asked Usagi in awe.
"And what are you going to do?" Beryl asked, pointing at Haruka.
"I will be doing an interpretive dance."
"Just get this over with," Beryl sighed.
Neptune began to play.
Haruka began dancing like a fool. She waved her arms slowly and crouched. She lied down on the floor and did a curl up. Then she quickly uncurled and raised herself slowly.
Beryl let out a loud yawn. Tomoe was half asleep.
Haruka reached for the sky. Then she slowly leaned to one side, then the other.
Tomoe fell asleep, and his head fell on the buzzer. It woke him up with a shock. "HUH?"
The loud buzzer sound startled Beryl, so she too hit her button.
Wiseman pressed his button as well.
"Aww, looks like you're out of luck," Beryl told them.
"I'LL SHOW YOU OUT OF LUCK!" yelled Uranus, charging. Neptune pulled her back.
"They're not worth it!"
"You're right," agreed Uranus. They started to walk away, but Uranus made a sharp turn and charged again.
Neptune dragged her away.
"Well that sucked," said Beryl. "Anyone good? Anyone at all?"
"We're the Amazon Trio! We're good!" promised the next act.
"Prove it," challenged Beryl.
"Alright! Fisheye, after you?" said Hawk's Eye.
Fisheye started balancing on a ball and juggling knives.
"BORING!" yelled Beryl. It caused him/her to lose balance and fall off. The three knives all landed on his clothes, trapping him to the ground.
"Alright, step aside," said Hawk's Eye. He lit a torch. "I'll put this out with my mouth!" He said, putting out the flame dangerously, and then blowing fire.
"Woah!" said the audience.
"BORING!" yelled Beryl.
He started choking on the fire and had to drink some water.
"MY TURN!" said Tiger's Eye. He tied the semi-conscious Fisheye to a wheel and spun it. He started throwing knives at him as he spun.
"Woah look I'm not killing him!" he told the audience.
"That's a guy?" asked Wiseman.
"Sometimes."
"Ahh," Wiseman said, hitting his buzzer.
Queen Beryl hit her button too. "BORING!"
Tiger's Eye was steamed. "Screw you guys!" he yelled. "You don't know talent!"
"Let's go boys," he said, and they walked offstage sadly.
"IF THE NEXT PERSON WHO COMES UP ISN'T GOOD, I'M KILLING THEM!" Beryl shouted.
"Shit!" cried Jadeite. "Actually I think I'm not gonna go through with this!"
But Zoisite shoved him onstage because he was still steamed from earlier.
"Umm, hey guys! It's me, Jadeite!"
Queen Beryl pressed her button.
"WHAT?! NO FAIR!"
Wiseman pressed his button.
"NO GUYS JUST GIVE ME A CHANCE!"
"Alright," said Tomoe hesitantly, removing his hand from the button. "What's your act, kid?"
"Today I'm gonna be showing you Jadeite Jr.!"
"OH GAWD!" cried Tomoe, ready to press the button.
"No no no, it's not what you think!" Jadeite insisted. He pulled out a poorly made Styrofoam Jadeite ventriloquism dummy
"HEY GUYS I'M JADEITE JR." he said in a dumb voice as he moved his mouth obviously.
"Hey Jadeite Jr. Knock knock!"
"Who's there?" he had the puppet say.
"It's me, Jadeite!"
"No, you're Jadeite Jr.!"
"No, YOU'RE Jadeite Jr.!"
"Wait who am I voicing am I voicing right now? I got confused, let me start over."
Tomoe put his hand closer to the buzzer.
"WAIT WAIT WAIT! Who wants to see the puppet talk while I drink water?"
Crickets chirped.
Jadeite held the water bottle to his face.
"Look I'm Jadeite Jr., talking as Jadeite drinks water!"
"THAT WATER BOTTLE IS EMPTY!" yelled someone in the audience.
"I'd like to see you do better!" Jadeite yelled.
"A pile of garbage could do better!" the guy heckled.
"Well you're a pile of garbage, heckler!" Jadeite yelled back.
"No you are."
"Yeah, you're right," Jadeite admitted glumly.
Tomoe pressed his button.
Queen Beryl shot a laser at Jadeite but he fled.
"NEEEEEEXT!" cried Beryl, smashing her head on the table.
Evil Mamoru entered the room. "Hi guys-"
"EXCELLENT!" screamed Beryl. "BEST PERFORMANCE SO FAR! YOU'VE GOT THE JOB!"
Wiseman pressed the button. Tomoe followed suite.
"HEY STOP IT!" yelled Beryl. "THIS MAN IS A WINNER! Alright guys, talent show's off!"
"Wait just a second, Beryl!" said Wiseman. "We bought a two hour TV slot! We have to let all the contestants go!"
"NO!" shouted Beryl. "You guys are all scum!"
"Cut it out!" said Tomoe sadly. "We gotta wrap this up!"
"Fine but I'm not paying any more attention because I already know the winner," Beryl told him.
The other judges sighed.
The next competitor came out.
"HI GUYS I'M SAILOR V- I MEAN MINAKO AINO! I'm a future idol and I'm going to be singing a famous song!"
Beryl hit her button.
"Beryl stop it!" cried Wiseman. "You can't judge them so fast!"
"I already have my winner! You should know that, Foolman!"
Wiseman sighed. "Sing your song," he told Mina.
"OK!" Search for your love nananan nananananana Search for your love! Nanananan annan! Search for your love! Nanana-"
Everyone hit their buttons.
Mina was dragged away as she called out for Yaten. But he was too busy throwing away buckets of love letters and whining about them.
The next contestant came out.
"Shyaaaaa yaa brahhhh, I'm Chad! I'm gonna break this wood board with my bare hands. CHYAAAAAAAH BRAHAHHHHHH!" he yelled, chopping the board. It didn't break. But his hand did.
"AHHH NAHHHH BRAHHHH! YAAAAOUCH!" Chad fell over and started sobbing. "WAAAHHHH AHHHHH, MAAAA BRAHH?"
All three of the judges hit their buttons.
Another competitor came onstage.
"I'm Mako-chan! I'm gonna teach you to cook!"
Beryl slammed her button.
"STOP. IT!" yelled Wiseman and Tomoe.
"Nope I already told you how it was."
"UGH!"
"Please continue," Tomoe told the contestant.
"No no, I can tell when I'm not wanted," Makoto said sadly, leaving.
"Look what you did!" he yelled at Beryl.
"YOU GO MAKO-CHAN!" yelled Usagi from the audience, since she hadn't been paying attention.
"NEXT!" Wiseman called.
"Hi I'm Alan the Alien- I mean… human?"
"Ok…"
"Ima play the flute!"
Beryl hit her button but Alan was unphased.
He started to play but Beryl reached for the other judges' buttons. Wiseman slapped away her hand, but then she kicked the button with her foot, clicking it. Tomoe tried to block with his body but she tossed him aside and pushed his anyway.
Alan sobbed and left the stage.
"Hi I'm Sailor Moon!" said the next contestant
"WAIT A SECOND IS THAT ME?!" Usagi gasped from the audience.
"Well you're here, so I don't think you're there," said Ami the genius.
"Are you sure?" asked Rei sarcastically.
"Well I'll have to do some calculations but for now, I think we'll have to stay on guard!"
Rei sighed. "Why do I even bother?"
"So guys wanna see a magic trick?" asked the off-colored Sailor Moon on the stage.
"Sure, Sailor Moon!" agreed the judges. "You seem trustworthy!"
"Ok so put all your money on the edge of the stage here…"
The judges pulled out their money and almost put it down. But suddenly Wiseman realized something.
"WAIT A SECOND, YOU'rE THAT GUY FROM BEFORE!"
"LELELELELELELEL!" laughed Zoisite, grabbing the money anyway and running offstage.
"GET HER!" yelled Tomoe.
The security guards went after him but they had no luck.
The last competitor stepped onto the stage.
"Alright, they saved the best for last," a mysterious voice said from behind closed curtains.
The spotlights flew all across the curtains, before focusing in the middle.
Nephrite burst out of the curtains and fireworks went off all around him. "It's me, Nephrite!"
Beryl hit her button.
Wiseman turned and glared at her. "BERYL!" he warned angrily.
"Hey, I would have hit it regardless of whether he was done his act or not!"
"So what is your act?" asked Tomoe.
"My act?" asked Nephrite. "SHIT!"
Tomoe pressed his button.
"Umm, my act is to do any act! I am the man of any act, and I am taking requests just this once!"
"Juggle knives like those circus guys," requested Wiseman.
"Umm, I would, but we don't have any knives!"
Zoisite tossed him some knives.
"Alright here I go!" said Nephrite regretfully. He threw the knives up and then barely dodged as they fell to the floor. "Woah, those came down mighty fast! Gravity is crazy these days, huh?"
"BOOOOOO!" screamed everyone. Wiseman was too busy sleeping to press his button.
"OH NO I'M LOSING THEM!" realized Nephrite. "I can't have them think I'm bad!"
Nephrite fell to the ground and faked a heart attack. "GAH! I'M DYING! SOMEONE HELP ME!"
"Nice try!" scoffed Beryl, "But Kunzite already did that act today!"
"D'aww," said Nephrite leaving. "It was worth a try."
The audience applauded his courage.
"Whelp us judges need a few minutes to sort out the winner," said Beryl.
The judges leaned over to start discussing, but before they could get a word out, Beryl cut them off. "THE WINNER OF THE 21st ANNUAL NEGAVERSE GOT TALENT IS… EVIL MAMORU!" She exclaimed, applauding herself.
"We didn't agree on that!" Wiseman and Tomoe yelled.
"Shut up," retaliated Beryl. "My show, my rules!"
They stormed off. "What a waste of a Saturday," they agreed.
"Mamoru come up and redeem your prize!" Beryl encouraged.
"Oh, well this is awkward. I actually got unbrainwashed!" Mamoru explained.
"Aww well, you were never really brainwashed anyway," Beryl resigned sadly, watching him as he walked away. "Waaaaaah!" she cried.
"Whelp looks like all's well that ends well!" said Jadeite.
"At least we all had the courage to participate!" added Nephrite.
"My boyfriend died today," stated Zoisite. "It will be lonely at home…"
"Same," laughed Jadeite.
"Oh yeah I forgot to mention," remembered Beryl. "The worst act will be put in an eternal sleep!"
"WHAT!?" everyone gasped.
"Jadeite…"
Jadeite made a break for it but Beryl whipped out a fishing rod and reeled him in.
Jadeite threw a weak punch but it was useless.
Queen Beryl put Jadeite in an eternal sleep.
"LOL!" laughed Kunzite's ghost.
FIN
