"Queen Berlap!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energah!"

"Jadeite you're a dumb."

"A dumb what?"

"A dumb dumb-dumb."

"Queen Beryl you told me to come here and present my new source. Then I get here and you abuse me. How did we get like this?"

"SCRAM YOU HAM!" yelled Beryl, shooting at him as he fled.


Jadeite sat down in the Nega Cafeteria and sighed. "It's just been one of those days."

"Every day is one of those days with Beryl," Nephrite groaned, joining in on the moping.

"How did it get like this?" Zoisite asked sadly. "Beryl used to love us!"

"Yeah," Kunzite reminisced. "I remember it like it was only a thousand years ago..."


FLASHBACK...

"Hey guys," said Beryl who wasn't even a queen yet. "Do you wanna stop being Endymio's guardians and instead help me take over the world?"

"I don't know," Zoisite said thoughtfully. "Are you going to kill me if I disobey you?"

"I would never do such a thing!" Beryl exclaimed.

"I'm in, but just so you know," began Jadeite. "I am the most successful of the group. Up until this point, I have never failed once."

"Awesome!" Beryl said happily. "You'll be a valuable member of the team! So valuable, in fact, that I'll send you up first to finish the job before I call in any of the others. You'll be the first to set the standards of victory!"

"If I join," asked Nephrite. "Can I have my very own planetarium?"

"Sure."

"YEEEEEEEEEEEET!"

"If I join," asked Zoisite. "Will I be free to be gay and will people stop trying to hook me up with that blue haired girl? All I want is to be gay and free!"

"Sure!" agreed Beryl. "And I won't call you a faggot all the time, like Endymiooooo does!"

"Aww sweet!"

"I don't know about this," said Kunzite. "You see, right now I'm a lord and I wear a cape. Will this transfer over?"

"No you're not!" objected Nephrite. "You're the lowest ranking member on the team!"

"SHHHH!" Kunzite shushed.

"Sure, you'll be the leader!" agreed Beryl.

"AWWWWW YEEEEAHH!"

"Ok so let's take over the Moon Kingdom! There's no way we can fail!" Beryl declared with pride.


A thousand years later...

"Yeah those were the good old days," they all agreed.

"If only it could be like that again," Nephrite sighed nostalgically.

"What if," Jadeite started, "We can get Beryl to re-recruit us? It will be like falling in love for the first time! Only it's the second!"

"Falling in love with who?" asked Nephrite.

"WHAT? I don't love Beryl! We're just friends, I swear!"

"I don't think Beryl's your friend..." Zoisite remarked.

"TAKE IT BACK!" cried Jadeite.

"MAKE ME, BOZO!"

Jadeite and Zoisite started slugging it out.

Kunzite waited a few minutes and then reluctantly broke up the squabble.

"YOU WANT MORE!?" Zoisite shouted, barely conscious.

"I could easily go a couple more rounds!" challenged Jadeite, laying on the ground in agony.

"No, Jadeite might be onto something," said Nephrite.

"Yeah I think we should keep the fight going," agreed Kunzite.

"No, no, not that. What if we get our jobs back with Endymion?"

"Huh?" asked Kunzite.

"That way, Beryl would realize how valuable we are, and she'll come enlist us again! It will be like the good ol' days!"

"That's an awful plan," Kunzite told him.

Suddenly they heard Beryl's voice over the loud speaker. "It's Shitennou bowling pin hour! Report to my throne room at once, last one here has to be the ball!"

"Let's go get our old Beryl back," decided Kunzite.


1000 years earlier...

"Alright, team!" Beryl said enthusiastically to her new friends. "Let's start by setting some ground rules. All five of us are equals. We will take down the Moon Kingdom as one. If one of us goes down, we all go down!"

"Awww yeah my love!" said Jadeite happily. "I have never failed once and I'm not about to start now!"

"Hey Zoisite, want to share this chocolate bar with me?" Nephrite asked.

"Why thank you, best buddy! You're the greatest!" Zoisite replied.

"Aww, you're the best best buddy ever!" Nephrite said, hugging his pal.

"Darn," said Kunzite. "I wish Nephrite and Zoisite would break up so I could have Zoisite all to myself!"

"Ok team," Beryl continued. "Let's practice our magic!"

"Metalia didn't give us any powers yet," reminded Jadeite.

"Hmm, then let's start with some basic combat training. Jadeite, since you're the best member of the team, throw your strongest punch at me!"

"Are you sure?" Jadeite asked nervously. "I wouldn't want to hurt my buddy!"

"Yeah yeah, I can handle it!"

Jadeite threw a punch.

"Did a gust of wind just hit me?" Beryl asked.

"Umm... yeah!" said Jadeite. "Now okay, I'm gonna throw my punch!"

Beryl waited. "I just keep feeling gusts of wind. Jadeite, are you not trying so that you don't intimidate me with your strength?"

"Umm... yes. Totally," Jadeite said sweating.

"Well then, I guess I'll just take a swing at you. It won't do much though, considering how powerful you are."

"Ok!" agreed Jadeite. "This'll be ez," he thought to himself. "I mean she's just a girl!"

Beryl pulled her arm back. Then she gave him a good sock to the face. He went flying off the moon and into space. Tears flew from his eyes as he tried to scream for help, but he was in a vacuum.

"Aww, isn't he sweet?" Beryl commented. "Pretending to fly off the moon, just to make me feel good about myself! My feelings for him will never change!"

"Kunzite, wanna take a turn at being my sparring buddy, or do you wanna call it for the day and get ice cream?" Beryl asked him.

Kunzite actually wanted to have a go, but he was new at the whole cape thing and was too busy struggling with it.

"How do I get it to flow?!" he struggled.


Meanwhile, in present time...

Mamoru heard a knock on his door.

"I swear, if it's those Shitennou, I'm calling the cops!"

He opened the door.

He closed the door and walked back inside. He started dialing 911.

"NO STOP!" cried Jadeite through the door. "We want to be your guardians again!"

Mamoru typed another 1. He went to click call.

"Please we'll do anything!" Nephrite called.

"Hmm, this could be a trap," Mamoru thought to himself. "Nephrite and Jadeite aren't very trustworthy."

"Come on Mamoru, we're doing this because we care about you!" lied Zoisite.

"Oh boy, the most trustworthy member of the Shitennou!" Mamoru said, relieved. "Now I know they're telling the truth!"

Mamoru opened the door. "Welcome back guys! It's been a while! So umm, we don't have a palace like we used to, but I have this here two bedroom apartment. Bedroom 1 is for me, and the other is for my tuxedo. I guess I could make some room in the closet!"

"Goody," sneered Kunzite angrily.

"Hey is that sass?" asked Mamoru. "Don't make me demote you back to your old rank!"

"I would never sass you, sir!" promised Kunzite.

Mamoru thought for a moment. "Ok so umm, Jadeite can do my dishes, Nephrite can fluff my pillow, Zoisite, since he's my favorite, can just take it easy..."

"Aww yeah!" said Zoisite, laying down on the couch.

"And Kunzite can scrub my car! Now chop chop!"

Everyone went off to do their jobs.

"When can we go back to Beryl?" Jadeite sobbed.

"Any minute now she'll be on her knees begging us to come back!" Nephrite promised.

"I don't know, I kind of like it better here," said Zoisite.

"Oh yeah, Zoisite buddy!" said Mamoru. "I almost forgot! I have this single friend I want you to meet!"

"Uh oh," Zoisite began.

"Zoisite, this is Ami. You remember her?"

"STAY AWAY FROM ME!" hissed Zoisite, springing up like a cat.

"But why don't you want to date her?" Mamoru asked in shock. "You two have so much in common!"

"Like what?!" Zoisite demanded.

"Well, you both have such a strong moral compass. And you're both the weakest of your groups."

"HEY!" yelled Zoisite and Ami in unison.

"And you both get defensive when I point out how obvious it is that you're the weakest!" added Mamoru.

"No way, I'm easily better than Jadeite!" Zoisite objected.

"Hmm, I don't know," said Mamoru. "At least Jadeite beat me in a fight."

"I KILLED YOU LIKE TWICE!" Zoisite yelled.

"Yeah but you cheated. That doesn't count!"

"Screw you I'm leaving!" yelled Zoisite leaving.

Nephrite slid in front of the door, blocking it. "OH NO U DON'T! If you leave now, Beryl won't beg for us to come back!"

"Fiiiiiine," Zoisite said reluctantly. "But I'm only giving her a few more hours."


Meanwhile in the past...

Beryl and her beloved Shitennou had just arrived at the ice cream place.

"Aww nuts," said Zoisite sadly. "I forgot my cash."

Kunzite was about to make his move and buy him ice cream but Nephrite cut him off.

"I'll buy you some!" Nephrite volunteered.

"Aww thanks bud, I'll always be your friend!"

Nephrite bought Zoisite the ice cream.

Zoisite took a bite off the top of the ice cream. Suddenly his face turned dark purple and then dark green and then dark red. He couldn't breathe.

"Nephrite..." he managed to gasp. "What... flavor did you get...?"

"Rocky road? Don't you like rocky road?"

"Did it... *choke* ...by any chance... *gag* have cashews in it?"

"Yeah but I don't see what the issue is..." Nephrite wondered.

"I'm deathly allergic to cashews *die*"

"Oh crap I thought that was almonds. Oopsie!" Nephrite said with deep concern.

Kunzite slugged Zoisite in the gut and he spit out the cashew. He fell to the ground, gasping for air. "I'm... alive?! My whole life flashed before my eyes!"

"Buddy I am so sorry," began Nephrite.

"YOU TRIED TO KILL ME!"

"No, I was just trying to be nice!"

"YOU'RE A MADMAN!" Zoisite cried.

"Come on guys, no need to fight," Jadeite intervened.

Nephrite slapped Jadeite and then Zoisite backhanded Jadeite.

He started to cry. "But... but you guys have never hit me before!" he sobbed.

"LOOK WHAT YOU DID YOU MONSTER!" barked Zoisite.

"ME?! I SLAPPED HIM GENTLY!"

"YOU WILL DIE BY MY HAND!" screamed Zoisite.

"Hahahaha yeah right," laughed Nephrite.

"So anyway I was the hero here," said Kunzite. "I think I should be given a promotion."

"Good point!" said Beryl. "You will be known as Lord Kunzite from now on!"

"WTF!" barked Nephrite. "I thought you said we're all equal."

"Oh yeah, sorry Kunzite I'll have to take your cape back."

"No no, let's think about this for a moment!" Kunzite objected. "Beryl, if you stop trying to make everyone equal, you could call yourself a Queen!"

"Ooooh, but what would I be the queen of?" asked Beryl.

"Nothing! I'm not the lord of anything! You don't actually need a domain, just call yourself a queen and then people will treat you like one!" Kunzite suggested.

"OMG EXCELLENT!" exclaimed Beryl. "From now on I will be known as Queen Beryl!"

"Why don't I get to be the queen?" asked Zoisite.

"Because you're a guy."

"Awww," Zoisite said, bewildered.

"And you're also my slave now! HAHAHAH DO MY BIDDING!" yelled QUEEN Beryl.

"No Beryl that's not what I meant!" Kunzite cried.

"CAN IT SLAVE! SHINE MY SHOES!"

Kunzite gasped.

"Naww I'm just kidding," said Queen Beryl. "I won't let the power go to my head. Besides, you guys have never let me down, and I'm sure you never will. That's why I'll always treat you with respect."

"D'awww," they all said.

"I don't know," Nephrite commented. "I don't think Zoisite deserves respect. I mean, you do something nice for him and he just turns on you..."

"YOU TRIED TO KILL ME!" exclaimed Zoisite.

Kunzite sighed. But then he saw the chance. "Hey Zoisite I heard Nephrite specifically ask them to put cashews in your rocky road."

"WHAT?!" Zoisite gasped.

"So yeah we should get together," Kunzite suggested.

"Well yeah totally! But that Nephrite... he's gonna get it!"

"Come on Jadeite let's team up against them," Nephrite decided.

"No thanks I want to be loved by all!" Jadeite said, refusing to pick sides.

"Well now you're hated by all," said Zoisite.

"Drats," sighed Jadeite. "At least I always succeed, so I'll have that to go back on."


5 months later in present time

"RISE AND SHINE!" yelled Mamoru, slamming pots together. The Shitennou jumped up out of shock at the loud sound at 4 AM, and slammed into eachother and the closet door.

Finally one of them struggled to open the door.

"HAHAHA you guys all came out of the closet," Mamoru mocked. "I mean no surprise for Zoisite and Kunzite, but really Jadeite? I never would have guessed."

"Come on!" cried Jadeite. "It was funny the first time but you say the same thing every morning! Please. Just stop."

"Stop coming out of the closet and I'll stop calling you out for it!" laughed Mamoru. "Now get to work, my garden needs trimming!"

"I can't believe he planted a garden, just to make us do extra work!" Zoisite moaned in exasperation.

There was a knock on the door.

"BERYL?!" they all cried in hopeful unison.

Mamoru opened the door. "HEY USAKO!"

"Hey Mamo-chan!"

"Oh boy Zoisite," said Mamoru enthusiastically, "She brought your fiancee!"

"WHY WHY WHY WHY!" Zoisite cried, jumping out the window.

Usagi walked in, while Ami went home to study.

"Why are there Shitennou in your house?" asked Usagi.

"Those aren't Shitennou, those are the maids," Mamoru explained. "They like to call themselves Shitennou though," he whispered to her.

"I see," said Usagi. "Will they do my math homework?"

"Of course!" said Mamoru. He clapped his hands. "Kunzite!"

Kunzite sat down with Usagi and let out a pained groan.

"Ok, Usagi!" he barked. "This is a triangle!"

"Which?"

"The one with three sides."

"How many is three?"

"This many," he said holding up three fingers.

"But I thought that was four?"

"No, it's three."

"Math is too hard! I need a snack! NEPHRITE!" she demanded.

"See she's getting the hang of it," said Mamoru to Jadeite as Jadeite moved the refrigerator to the side.

"You know what, move it back," said Mamoru. "I don't like it there."

Nephrite brought Usagi cheese curls.

"Nephrite," she said slowly. "What brand is this?"

"Umm, Food Dragon brand?" Nephrite said reading the label.

"That's not a name brand," she stated.

"Yes..."

"Get it out of my sight!" she yelled, throwing the cheese curls on the floor. She started stomping on them. "CLEAN THAT UP!"

"NO!" yelled Nephrite.

"Nephrite..." warned Mamoru.

Nephrite grabbed a broom.

"I'm back!" called Ami. "Zoisite you bought me flowers, right bae?"

Zoisite was hiding inside of Mamoru's refrigerator. He poked his head out for air, but Ami caught him.

Zoisite teleported away.

"Oh that's why the fridge was so heavy," said Jadeite, passing out.

"Someone go get Zoisite!" Kunzite yelled. "Beryl won't come for us if we're not all here!"

"SHE'S NOT COMING FOR US!" cried Nephrite breaking down.

"She will!" Jadeite said awaking from his passed out state. "She loves us!"

"NO, SHE DOESN'T!" screeched Nephrite at the top of his lungs. "WE'VE BEEN HERE FOR FIVE MONTHS! SHE HASN'T EVEN NOTICED!"

"She'll be here any minute," Kunzite said reassuringly.

"NOOOOOO SHEEEEEEEEEEEE WOOOOON'T!"

Nephrite picked up a chair and smashed out the window.

"Hey take it easy there," said Mamoru.

He threw Mamoru through Mamoru's giant flat screen TV. Then he knocked over the fridge Jadeite so painstakingly moved.

"D'aww now I have to start over :(" said Jadeite.

Nephrite pulled out a tank of gasoline and started pouring it everywhere. Then he took out a flamethrower and burnt down Mamoru's apartment. But why stop there? He tore down the entire apartment building in cold blood. Ami didn't make it out alive.

Nephrite, Kunzite, and Jadeite stood on the ashes of the apartment building.

"I think we should go home now," said Kunzite.

"Yep," agreed Jadeite.

They walked off towards the North Pole, until somewhere along the way realizing they could teleport.

Back in the castle, they opened the door slowly.

Queen Beryl had been building a twelve story tall house of cards. When the door opened, the gust of wind from the North Pole knocked over her house of cards.

"Gosh darn it!" she screamed.

"Queen Beryl, we're back," announced Kunzite.

"You left?" Beryl asked. "I've been too focused on this house of cards to notice."

Kunzite sighed. "Yep, we left. We thought you'd come looking for us. You never did."

"Why would I do that?" asked Beryl.

"I don't know," Jadeite said sadly.

"Maybe because you used to care about us?" Nephrite asked.

"I did?" asked Beryl. "That was like a thousand years ago!"

"But what did we do wrong?!" Jadeite begged. "We can't remember why you stopped loving us!"

"Why did I...?" she pondered. "Oh yeah, I remember! It all started-"

Suddenly Zoisite teleported in. "QUEEN BERYL I AM HOME! YOUR LIFE CAN GO ON NOW!"

"Who are you?" Beryl asked.

"Aww nuts," said Zoisite floating to the ground sadly.

"So what were you about to say?" Jadeite persued.

"Huh. I forget now."

"BERYL!" Jadeite sobbed.

"Ok, ok. It all started on the day of the Moon Kingdom raid..."


YET ANOTHER FLASHBACK

"Alright, boys," Queen Beryl peptalked. "Today is the big day. I hope you all brought your armies of hypnotized humans like we planned!"

"Yep, the squads be ready!" Jadeite informed her.

"Alright, Jadeite. You've never let me down before. You take your squad first, and CHARGE!"

"Wait a second, I think me and my squad should go first!" Kunzite objected. "I'm the leader of this army!"

"No way!" said Nephrite. "Me first, me first!"

"Don't bicker on the day of the raid!" insisted Beryl. "Zoisite, since you didn't join in with them, you can go first!"

"Oh I gave all my brainwashed humans to Kunzite. He said he was the leader or something."

Beryl sighed. "Alright, then I guess Kunzite will be at the front of the attack formation. But Nephrite will be right behind him."

"Now wait just a second!" said Zoisite. "I gave him my humans! So I think I should help supervise!"

"No, you don't have an army!" barked Nephrite. "Go away, you can be in the back with Jadeite!"

"YAY!" said Jadeite. "I haven't had a friend since the Silver Millennium!"

"It is the Silver Millennium," said Beryl.

"Exactly."

"Nope I'm standing behind Kunzite and you can't stop me," Zoisite declared.

"STOP ARGUING OVER FORMATION!" screamed Beryl. "You two can be equally behind Kunzite."

"I don't know, Queen Beryl," said Nephrite. "That's a little ambiguous to me. I think maybe I should be just a little bit above Zoisite. You know, to confirm my superior ranking."

"I don't care, you guys figure it out. I need to go after my Mamo-love! I'm counting on you guys to finish off the rest of the Moon Kingdom. Don't let me down, or I'll hate you forever!"

"What about Metalia?" asked Kunzite. "Isn't she gonna help?"

"Nah, she's just here for theatrics," explained Beryl. "Whelp, break a leg!" she said taking off.

"Alright crew, we got dis!" encouraged Jadeite.

They marched in, followed by their earth people armies.

Kunzite stood in the front with his shield and spear ready.

"Alright guys, pause for a moment."

"Why?" asked Nephrite.

"This is our photo op! Everyone smile for the camera, we need cool pics for when I bring the Sailors back here in the future!"

"Huh?" Jadeite asked.

"JUST GO WITH IT! You guys won't be alive when it happens, but I'm telling ya!"

They all froze and made cool stances. Eventually Nephrite started to tiptoe forward.

"HEY!" barked Zoisite. "Beryl said you could be SLIGHTLY ahead of me. That's a whole pace ahead of me!" Zoisite took two steps forward.

"Get back in your spot, noob!" yelled Nephrite.

"NO!" screamed Zoisite, running in front of Kunzite.

"Woah, you're messing up the shot!" cried Kunzite. "What if the Sailors saw this and thought you were the leader?"

"Yeah get back here!" yelled Nephrite.

"Why can't we be friends~ Why can't we be friends~" sung Jadeite.

"SHUT UP!" all three yelled at once.

"I have an idea," said Jadeite. "We don't need to do this pyramid formation. How about we all stand in a line!"

"YUCK!" screamed Kunzite.

"Alright brainwashed humans," Zoisite yelled, turning around. "Everyone follow my lead and CHARGE!"

The humans began to charge.

"NO NO NO STOP!" Kunzite screamed, putting up a forcefield. "You don't even have humans, Zoisite. Go home."

"I GAVE MINE TO YOU!"

"Exactly, so why are you trying to take them back!"

"Man, that Zoisite's such a pest," commented Nephrite. "We should get rid of him."

"We should get rid of you," said Kunzite.

"WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON!?"

"We're all in this together~" Jadeite sung from the High School Musical Soundtrack.

Zoisite turned around and slugged Jadeite.

"DON'T HIT MY FRIEND!" yelled Nephrite, drop kicking Zoisite.

"Aww, I'm your friend?" Jadeite asked gleefully.

Nephrite slugged Jadeite.

Kunzite picked up Nephrite and threw him into a rock.

"ARGHUUUUGHHHHHHHHH!" yelled Nephrite.

"Aww baby that was so romantic!" said Zoisite, and him and Kunzite started making out.

"EWWWW!" cried Jadeite, crawling over and pulling Kunzite's cape off to shield his eyes with.

Kunzite froze. "W-w-w-w-whaT?" he stuttered. He couldn't form coherent sentences without his cape.

Jadeite tried to make a break for it, but Zoisite shot a crystal from behind him and knocked him over.

Nephrite snatched the cape and put it on. "I'M THE LORD NOW!" Nephrite yelled. "BOW BEFORE ME! HUMAN ARMY, CHARGE!"

"Nope!" said Kunzite, open firing into the human army to get them to stop listening to Nephrite.

"Wait a minute," said Jadeite. "When were we supposed to go after Queen Serenity?"

Kunzite looked at his watch. "Oh, only about ten minutes ago. It should be fine."

Suddenly the sky filled with light. Beams shot down from the sky, pulverizing all the Shitennou and Metalia, as well asBeryl.

"SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!" they all cried.

"MAYBE BERYL DIDN'T NOTICE IT WAs OUR FAULT!" Nephrite wailed as they got disintegrated.

"I HEAAAARD THAT!" Beryl screamed as her last words.


"Oh yeah, I remember now!" Jadeite laughed. "That was pretty wacky!"

Queen Beryl glared at them.

"Can't you give us another chance?" asked Nephrite.

"Alright," said Beryl. "Let's go raid the Moon Kingdom RIGHT NOW. As one."

"OMG REALLY?!" Jadeite questioned in exuberant shock

"But there is no kingdom on the moon anymo-" Zoisite began.

"SHHH!" said Kunzite.

They all started flying towards the moon.

"So uh, we're just gonna get a head start!" Kunzite told the queen. They all headed to the Moon first. Finally Beryl showed up.

"Yup we killed em' all!" said Kunzite. "Look, all that's left is rubble!"

"Awesome!" said Beryl. "I knew you could do it! Now where's my Endymion?"

"Uhhhhhhhhhh..."

"Did you kill him!?" demanded Beryl.

"No, he's back on Earth!" they cried.

"So the Moon kingdom was already gone? WERE YOU TRYING TO PLAY ME FOR A FOOL!?" Beryl demanded.

"So is that a no for ice cream later?" Kunzite asked.

Beryl punted them one by one back down to the Earth.


"This looks like the end," Mamoru said to Usagi. They were both trapped under a large piece of rubble from their burnt down apartment.

Suddenly there was a loud smash.

"Are we... free?" Mamoru gasped. Him and Usagi climbed out of the rubble.

"We got saved by a meteor hitting the rubble!" exclaimed Usagi.

"That's the no meteor, that's my maids!" Mamoru realized.

"Oof," muttered Jadeite, rubbing his head from the fall.

"GET BACK TO WORK!" screamed Mamoru.

FIN