"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"
"Tell me what it is!" exclaimed Beryl. "Give me the juice!"
"Well you see, m'Queen. The humans have this game that they play for fun, called bowling!"
"WOAH!" cried Queen Beryl. "Never heard of that one!"
"Yeah! So anyway, I think I can use this as a source for stealing energy!"
"WOW!"
"Wahoo!" Jadeite joined in, amazed at how impressed Queen Beryl was. "I will go to the bowling alley and investigate this immediately!"
"AWESOME YOU DO THAT!" Queen Beryl shouted, slapping her knee.
"YEE HAW!" yelled Jadeite, running out to go to the bowling center ASAP.
"Thank heavens, he's gone!" Queen Beryl sighed with relief. "Now I can go back to watching my show, Sailor Moon Crystal!"
Five minutes later...
"Man this is awful! At least I'm sure they'll give me a very epic and not at all sympathy-enducing death!"
Jadeite entered the bowling alley in an overcoat and glasses. "This disguise is flawless!" he said as he began exploring the bowling alley.
He walked up to a group of kids bowling and stood and watched them play.
"Ahh yessss," he said to himself, licking his lips. "I have the perfect plan! HEE HEE!"
His parole officer tapped him on the shoulder. Jadeite turned around, and the officer just shook his head.
Jadeite hung his head and moped away.
When he was about to leave, he spotted some familiar faces on the other side of the bowling alley.
"OMG GUYS!" he cried running up to his fellow Shitennou. "WHAT BRINGS YOU HERE!? ARE YOU INVESTIGATING NEW SOURCES OF ENERGY AS WELL!?"
"Umm... yes!" said Nephrite suspiciously, looking away.
"Aww sweet!" Jadeite said. "We can search together! Beryl must have thought my idea was so good that she sent all of you!"
"Can't... resist... telling... him off," struggled Zoisite.
"Hang in there," said Kunzite. "You know what will happen if he finds out."
"Finds out what?" Jadeite demanded.
"Nothing!" Kunzite exclaimed. "Just... uh... the present we picked out for your birthday!"
"D'awww, you shouldn't have! Is it this bowling ball with Nephrite's name on it?" Jadeite asked. "Wait a second. Why is Nephrite's name on this ball? Do you come here often?"
"No," said Evil Endymion. "We've never been here before in our lives!"
"AYYYY It's the Striketennou!" some random person walking by called out. "You guys are the best bowling team here, rock on!"
"Who's the Striketennou?" asked Jadeite.
"These guys, of course!" the random told Jadeite.
The Shitennou started sweating and looked at each other nervously.
"They come here every week!" the random guy continued. "They win all the tournaments, they're world champions!"
"...What?" Jadeite asked in shock. "That can't be right..."
"But it is!" the random exclaimed. "Just look at all these trophies and plaques with their names on them!"
Jadeite's eyes scanned the bowling alley. There were dozens, no, hundreds of trophies with the Shitennous' names on them. There was a giant statue in the back of all three of them plus Mamoru. Jadeite went over to the wall of plaques. He read one.
"1982 Team Bowling Champions: Kunzite, Zoisite, Nephrite, and Mamoru who wasn't even evil back then."
Jadeite gasped. "You guys have been a bowling team since the 80's...?"
"Ummm..." they all said fearfully.
"And... you never... invited...me!?" Jadeite sputtered.
"Ummmmmmmmmmmmm..."
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Jadeite began to sob. He fell to his knees and cried for hours. The whole bowling alley began to flood with tears. "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" he wept, rolling on the floor with waterfalls of tears flying from his eyes.
"I told you this would happen if he ever found out," Kunzite said as they were all washed away by Jadeite's tears.
"WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WYH WYH!" Jadeite screamed, his sorrow turning into blind fury. He started punching the rack of trophies. Then he kicked over the bowling ball carrier rack. Bowling balls spilled everywhere. He tried to kick one of the bowling balls but broke his foot. He bounced all around in pain.
"OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWO!"
The staff had to spend hours attempting to drag him out, since he was so slippery from his tears.
Finally they got rid of him.
He teleported home.
"QUEEN BERYL!" he sobbed. "THE OTHER GUYS HAVE BEEN BOWLING, AND THEY DIDN'T INVITE ME TO THEIR TEAM!"
"Huh?" asked Beryl. "I've been too caught up with this show. I can't believe I didn't kill you for your failures, Crystal is so inaccurate!"
"QUEEN BERYL MAKE THEM PUT ME ON THEIR TEAM!"
"No," said Queen Beryl.
"WHy WHY WHY WHYWHYWHYWHWYH!" he started crying and flooding her throne room.
"STOP!" she cried. "I just got a new carpet put in!"
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
"Ok if you shut up, I'll give you some advice."
Jadeite shut up and reduced his sobs to a quiet whimpering. He sat down pretzel-legged on the floor.
"Alright, listen up, kiddo," instructed Beryl. "How about you join a different team."
"A different team?"
"Yep, join a new team, and then beat them. They'll either beg you to join them, or they'll quit bowling forever because they were defeated by someone they rejected."
"Wow Beryl that's brilliant!"
"Np!" she said. "Now go away, I need to see how epically I die!"
Jadeite scrammed.
Jadeite stood on a street corner with a sign. It read, "Will bowl for vengeance."
Days past and he got no customers. He was about to call it quits, when a horse drawn carriage pulled up.
"Hello," said the man inside. "I FEEL EVIL!"
"Grandpa?" Jadeite gasped.
"Yep, it is I, Rei's grandfather. Hop in!"
"YEEET!" Jadeite said gleefully.
"We are the Temple Turkey Tossers!" Grandpa explained. "And we're the worst bowling team around! But a spry young lad like you might be just what we needed to get to the championships!"
"Really?" Jadeite asked hopefully.
"Nah, we're just gonna cheat using your magic."
"Awesome!" Jadeite said.
"These are the other members, Rei and Chad (Yuuichiro)!"
"CHYAAAA BRAHHH!" said Chad thoughtfully. "Pound em!" he said putting his fists out.
Jadeite went to knuckle bump, but Chad turned his hands into high fives. "TURKEY!" yelled Chad.
"And that's why we're the turkey tossers!" Grandpa explained.
"Oh I thought you were the turkey tossers, like turkeys in bowling! Where you get three strikes in a row!" Jadeite told him.
"Three strikes?" gasped Grandpa. "We've never even gotten one strike!"
Rei sighed.
"Hey gurl!" began Jadeite.
Rei slugged him.
Round 1: Temple Turkey Tossers vs. The Snail Watching Club
Melvin was running to throw his ball. But Jadeite magically tied his shoe laces together. Melvin face planted and broke his glasses.
"NOOO!" cried Melvin. "I can't see! I can't bowl!"
He threw the bowling ball in the wrong direction and hit Hotaru. She died. He was disqualified.
Jadeite went to high five chad, but Chad turned his hand into a fist at the last second.
"TURKEY BRAHHH!"
Round 2: Temple Turkey Tossers vs. The Four Lights
Taiki was about to throw his ball. He pulled him arm back, and threw it perfectly down the middle.
"NOT IF I HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT IT!" yelled Rei. She set the whole lane ablaze. Taiki's ball melted.
"WAA!" yelled Taiki. "We'll never find our princess like this!"
Round 3: Temple Turkey Tossers vs. The Witches Four
Telululululululullu (the green one) went in for the kill. She threw the ball with all her might. It was about to be the final game winning strike.
But then Jadeite put a forcefield in front of the pins. The ball bounced back and hit Mimet. She died. Telulululululul went home and changed the sign to Witches 3. They didn't have enough members, despite arguments from Witch #5 who was kind of two people. They were disqualified.
Round 4: Temple Turkey Tossers vs. The Black Moon Baggers
Prince Diamond took his ball and sat in the corner.
"What's he doing?" Rei asked.
"I'm not sure," said Gramps.
Prince Diamond pulled out his third eye. "You will obey me!" he told the ball. "You will hit all ten pins!"
The ball nodded.
Prince Diamond sat his ball down to get a refreshment.
Chad tip-toed up. He drilled a hole in one of the ball's finger holes, and then stuck a stick of dynamite in. He lit the dynamite. He ran back and leaped behind the table his team was sitting at.
Prince Diamond picked the ball up again. Right before it left his hand to throw, it exploded.
He was knocked unconscious.
Wiseman tagged in as a substitute.
Wiseman sat his crystal ball down and started polishing a bowling ball.
But Chad took his attention away. "SHYAAA YAA BRAH. THAT CAPE IS RAAAAD!"
"Gee thanks," said Wiseman.
While he was distracted, Jadeite magically swapped the bowling ball with the crystal ball.
Wiseman, thinking the crystal ball was his bowling ball, threw it down.
It cracked and shattered. Wiseman faded to dust. His team was disqualified.
Round 5, The Semi-Final: Temple Turkey Tossers vs. Pegasus and the Pin Pushers
Chibi-usa threw another perfect strike, using Luna P as her bowling ball.
"HOW IS SHE DOING THAT?!" Rei cried.
"It's simple," scoffed Pegasus. "If she dreams it, she can do it!"
"Gee that's really inspirational," said Jadeite honestly.
"Not really, I'm just cheating and using dream magic," Pegasus laughed.
"Grrr, those pesky cheaters!" growled Gramps. "Quick Jadeite, do something to cheat!"
"I'm thinking, I'm thinking!" Jadeite cried. He was at a loss.
Then Jadeite got an idea.
"Pegasus," he began.
"Yes?"
"Can I ride you?"
"Umm, gee, I only really let little girls do that..." Pegasus told him.
Jadeite pulled over his parole officer.
"Helios me boy," said the parole officer. "You can't keep doing this, come on! If you don't want me to press charges, I suggest you prove that you don't have a preference for little girls. Let this man ride you."
"D'awww, okay," agreed Pegasus. Jadeite hopped on his back.
"WEEEEEEE!" cried Jadeite as Pegasus flew around. "WOOOOOO!"
"Remember the plan!" yelled Rei.
"Oh yeah right," Jadeite remembered. When Pegasus wasn't paying attention, Jadeite snatched his horn AKA the golden crystal.
"NOOOOO!" cried Pegasus. He faded from existence.
"AWWWW YEAAAH, WE GO ON TO THE FINALE!" exclaimed Gramps. "That was all me," he told them. "Your welcome."
"Whatever you say old man!" laughed Jadeite evilly. "Now, I can take out my greatest foes, once and for all!"
Round 6, The Grand Finale: Temple Turkey Tossers vs. The Striketennou
"HEY GUYS IT's ME!" Jadeite smack talked.
"What's he doing here?" Nephrite asked. "Came to cry more?"
"Nope, the only one crying today will be YOUUUUUUU! ALL OF YOOUUUUU!"
"That's more than one person," corrected Evil Endymion.
"Suck it Mamoru!" yelled Jadeite. "Now it's time to TAKE OUT THE TRASSSSSH!"
Zoisite waxed his ball and got ready to throw. "Here goes nothing!" He threw the ball, but it instantly flew up and out through the ceiling.
"HAHAH!" laughed Jadeite. "Revenge is sweet!"
"Jadeite, are you cheating?" asked Kunzite.
"No!" denied Jadeite as energy flowed out of his hands in the direction of the ball.
"Whelp your turn!" urged Nephrite.
"My... turn?" Jadeite asked in shock. He was so used to eliminating the competition before his turn came that he had never actually thrown a ball.
Jadeite nervously threw a bowling ball. It went straight into the gutter. "WOW ZOISITE, THAT'S A SAD WAY TO GET REVENGE!" Jadeite barked.
"?" said Zoisite. "I didn't do anything. I think you're just bad, kid."
"NO WAY! I'LL SHOW YOU ALL!" Jadeite threw his second ball. It didn't even hit the lane before going straight into the gutter. "WHERE ARE MY BUMPERS!?" he demanded.
The Striketennou all laughed at him.
Next it was Nephrite's turn to bowl. "Everything is ruled by the stars," he said as he focused on where to aim.
"THE STARS SUCK!" yelled Rei.
Nephrite was so thrown off that he threw the ball straight into the gutter.
Chad took his turn. "CHYAA YAA BRAAAAH!" he called, going to throw the ball. But his thumb was stuck in the hole. "Huh?" he said shaking the ball. But it was no use. He shook it as hard as he could but the ball wouldn't come off. Suddenly, the bowling ball went flying, with him still connected to it. He smashed face first into the ground and slid down the lane. But then he went in the gutter and got a zero for his turn.
"LOOOOOLL!" laughed Nephrite, holding a bottle of glue.
Next Kunzite took his turn. He never even touched the ball, he just levitated it towards the pins.
"HEY REF ARE YOU SEEING THIS?!" screamed Grandpa.
"Huh?" said the ref, who was fast asleep.
"Darn, someone stop him!" Gramps cried.
Rei shot the ball with fire. But the fire was reflected by a forcefield.
Rei tried again, this time shooting Kunzite in the hands.
"SON OF BERYL!" he yelled. The ball dropped and made a crater in the bowling lane. "WHAT IS THIS, AUSTRaLIAN RULES!?"
Rei chortled while Kunzite iced his hands.
Rei took her ball and headed towards the lane to throw it. But before she could make her throw, Zoisite got her in the head with a crystal.
"U GONA SHOOT MY MAN, WOMAN!?" Zoisite called in anger.
Rei climbed to her feet and chucked the ball at Zoisite, sending him flying back.
"PENALTY!" cried Zoisite.
"Huh?" said the ref, still asleep.
"Well that was your first turn," said Kunzite, still wounded.
"Well here's my second!" yelled Rei, chucking the ball at Kunzite.
He caught it. "LOL NICE TRY!" he mocked.
Rei shot him with fire. He shot back with an energy blast. Rei tackled him down and they started slugging it out.
Gramps quickly threw his ball, hoping to get a pin. Mamoru extended his cane like a pool cue and knocked it away. Gramps charged Mamoru. Mamoru teleported and rapid punched Grandpa.
Chad ran into the battle. "I'll save you G-PA!" he cried, getting Mamoru in a full nelson. He threw himself backwards onto the ground, pulling Mamoru down with him. Gramps leaped up and did a pile driver on Mamoru.
"URGH!" yelled Mamoru.
Zoisite ran in and kicked Mamoru.
"WTF!?" cried Mamoru.
"Whoops wrong person," Zoisite giggled.
Jadeite ran up and slugged Zoisite. Zoisite shot him in the eyes with petals. Nephrite slugged Jadeite while he was blinded. But Jadeite got his wits together fast. He summoned a plane and chased Nephrite and Zoisite away.
But then Rei shot one of her voodoo papers on Nephrite and Zoisite and they were frozen in place as the plane approached them.
Mamoru threw a black rose, and it stopped the plane.
"NOT COOL MAN, NOT COOL!" Jadeite yelled, stomping his foot.
He and Mamoru flew up into the air and spun around in a circle as lightning flashed around them. But then Jadeite got the edge and tackled Mamoru in a single frame.
"NOOOO!" yelled Mamoru at both the fact he was being tackled as well as the bad animation quality. He fell into a lake and a black rose floated to the top. It turned red.
"WHAT DOES THIS MEAN!?" demanded Jadeite.
Then it turned white.
"?" Jadeite sobbed with frustration.
Meanwhile, Rei fired a Mars Flame Sniper at Kunzite. He absorbed it in a dark energy bubble and fired it back at her.
"SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT!" yelled Mars, running.
"I'll save YAHHHHH BRAAAAAAH!" yelled Chad, leaping in the way and taking the hit.
"Oh no, Chad."
"SHYAA I DID IT FOR YOUUU BRAHHHH!"
Jadeite launched another plane, this time at Rei.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING JADEITE?!" Rei cried.
"Oh my bad. Force of habit," he said, withdrawing the plane.
Nephrite ran up and drop kicked Gramps. Gramps got a hold of his foot and starting swinging him around by the leg. He threw him like a rag doll into the bowling ball rack. 20 bowling balls fell on his head consecutively until he was knocked out.
"HAHHAHAHA I FEEL EVIL!" laughed Gramps, about to throw another bowling ball towards the pins.
"Not so fast old man!" yelled Zoisite, pulling out that black crystal thing and stealing Grandpa's rainbow crystal.
Grandpa fell to the floor in pain. "GAAAHHH!" he cried as his crystal was slowly removed.
There was a commercial break.
When it ended, Gramps' crystal was still being pulled out. Finally it came out.
"I FEEL EVIL!" Gramps shouted, turning into a cross-eyed lobster thing.
"LOLOOOOOLLOLOLOL!" chortled Zoisite.
But suddenly the cross-eyed lobster back handed Zoisite and he was sent flying.
"WTF!"
Kunzite ran up and sucker punched it, but it had no effect.
"YOU GO GRANDPA!" applauded Rei.
It turned around and attacked Rei.
"HAHAHAHA!" laughed Zoisite, who was laying against the wall injured.
The lobster went over and kicked him.
"HAHAHAHAH!" laughed Rei.
The lobster went back for her.
Suddenly, there was a sound. It was the sound of a pin dropping. A bowling pin.
Everyone froze. They turned around slowly.
What they all saw was Jadeite, standing at the front of the lane, holding his hand up as though he had just thrown a bowling ball.
"I... I did it!" he began to cry with joy. "I HIT A PIN! I HIT A SINGLE PIN!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried the Striketennou. They faded from existence.
"WE WON!" cried Grandpa. "WE GOT A SINGLE POINT!"
"YOU MEAN, I WON!" yelled Jadeite, grabbing the trophy and fleeing.
"GET BACK HERE!" the Turkey Tossers cried. They started chasing him down the street.
He ran all the way to the North Pole.
He ran into the throne room.
"BERYL BERYL BERYL! I DID IT!" he cried, still running.
"DON'T RUN FROM ME!" screamed Beryl, shooting him down. He died. The Turkey Tossers pryed the trophy from his cold dead hands. Beryl shot them down too and grabbed the trophy. She put it on her empty trophy rack.
"Wait why did I shoot Jadeite? He would have just given it to me probably. I guess just force of habit; I always think when he runs that he's running from me. Oh well. Back to watching Crystal, here comes my death scene!"
*Crystal Beryl gets her necklace torn off and dies*
"WHAT?!" demanded Beryl. "WHHHHAAAAAAAT!?" she raged. "THAT WAS BULLSHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!"
FIN
