"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"
"Shut it Jadeite and listen up!" cried Beryl. "AND WHERE ARE THE OTHER SHITENNOU!?"
"Gee I don't know Beryl, I sent them all a text, but I think most of them blocked my number."
Suddenly Kunzite walked in. "Jadeite I came as soon as you texted."
"Wow Kunzite you didn't block me?!"
"Nope you're my good pal."
Jadeite gasped, tears forming in his eyes.
"Where are the other two?" barked Beryl.
"Gee I don't know-" began Jadeite but Beryl cut him off and warped them in.
"AHHH!" cried Nephrite. He was nude and wet with a bath cap on.
"WAAAA!" cried Zoisite. He was in a fancy pink dress with a blonde wig.
"What is the meaning of this?" demanded Beryl.
"You could have called first!" complained Nephrite, trying to cover himself.
Queen Beryl waved her hand and the Shitennou uniforms appeared on them.
"I did call you!" replied Jadeite.
"I don't think so," said Zoisite. "The only text I got was from someone saved in my phone under the name Shitface."
Jadeite frowned.
"So what exactly were you doing?" Kunzite asked Zoisite suspiciously.
"What, don't you all sometimes want to see what you look like in a dress?" Zoisite asked.
Everyone shook their heads slowly.
"Well suit yourselves then. Maybe you just wouldn't have looked as good."
"ANYWAY," said Beryl. "We have to clean this slop hole up!"
"Why?" Kunzite asked.
"Because our SPONSORS are doing their yearly check! You all need to be on your BEST behaviors! No incompetency today!"
"I can only promise to try," said Jadeite.
"It'll be easy," said Nephrite. "When have we ever let you down, Queen Beryl?"
Queen Beryl began to sweat.
"Don't worry," said Kunzite. "I've been saving up all my competency for a moment like this!"
"Why do we care what the sponsors think?" asked Zoisite.
"You don't understand!" cried Beryl. "They're the ones supplying us all our money!"
"You mean the money we used to buy that ping pong table?"
"YES!" Beryl exclaimed.
"Shit!" cried Zoisite. "We need that Donkey Kong machine we've been saving for!"
"EXACTLY!"
Evil Mamoru walked in. "Hey guys, what's up? Time for some daily sabotage?"
Beryl ran up and shoved Mamoru into the closet, locking it with a chain lock. "We can't let him be seen! Not today! They'll ask too many questions!"
"What do you mean, Beryl?" Jadeite asked. "It's not like we used a ton of our funds on his brainwashing!"
"Heh heh," said Beryl, drowned in sweat.
There was a knock on the door.
"THEY'RE HERE!" cried Beryl.
Everyone started to run around frantically, waving their arms and screaming.
The sponsors stood outside the door, with confused expressions, as they heard yelling from inside.
"SHUT UP! EVERYONE CALM DOWN!" yelled Beryl.
"I AM CALM!" yelled Nephrite, rolling on the floor.
"AUUUUUUUU!" yelled Jadeite, pouring hot coffee on himself.
"Get your paws off me!" yelled Kunzite.
There was a collection of loud crashing and banging sounds. Glass shattered.
The sponsors looked at each other.
Finally after two minutes of silence Beryl opened the door.
"Hello, boys!" said Queen Beryl, dabbing her head with a hankerchief. "Please, come in."
She lead them through the throne room while they followed her, looking around and typing on their laptops.
"Pretty swell place you got here, Beryl!" said Kwame, one of the health inspectors.
"THANK YOU!" yelled Beryl. She hopped on her throne.
"Shitennou, present yourselves!"
All four Shitennou appeared in a straight line.
Jadeite took a bow.
"I am Jadeite, of the Dump Kingdom. SHIT!" he cried. He started to panic. "I mean, umm, Dork Kingdom! No, that's not right! Noooo I'm screwing everything up! STUPID!" he yelled at himself. "STUPID!" He fell on the floor and started to cry.
"Hurng durg," slurred Nephrite, belching. "I'm... Zoisite! The gayest of all Shitennou!"
"WHAT?!" yelled Zoisite, slugging him.
Nephrite kicked Zoisite in the shin, and then smashed a wine bottle on his head.
Zoisite stabbed him with a crystal and he fell to the ground.
"And I am Lord Kunzite, of the Dark Kingdom," said Kunzite, bowing.
The sponsors stared at them with blank faces for a couple seconds. Then they started typing on their computers.
Queen Beryl started panicking. "Nephrite," she whispered while the sponsors weren't looking. "Why. Are. You. Drunk."
"You told me to calm down!" he slurred. "This is how I calm myself. I'm beginning to think I have a problem, my Queen."
"Just keep it together man!" she cried.
"So these are your four greatest warriors, that I've heard so much about?" one of the sponsors, named Morton, asked,
"Heh heh," said Beryl. "They're just joking around, right guys?" she said nudging them hardly.
"Yes!" said Jadeite. "HAHAHAHA!"
"Hrunruh," slurred Nephrite.
"Yep!" said Zoisite. "Tee hee!"
"No my Queen, we would never fool around," said Kunzite, bowing again.
Queen Beryl face-palmed.
"Anyway," said Beryl, "How about I show you our cafeteria?"
"Ummm, ok?" said the sponsors.
"Here in the Nega Cafeteria, we serve only the finest dishes."
Beryl tried to urge the sponsors into the next room, but they went back into the kitchen.
They watched in disbelief as the cooking Youmas reached into a dumpster and put trash on plates.
"Do you want some?" one of them asked.
"Uh, I'll pass," said Kwame. The others started typing on their computers.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?" cried Beryl to the Youmas.
"But Queen! This is what you always tell us to serve! You said feed the Shitennous garbage because they are garbage! We have nice food in the fridge, so making us feed them garbage is cruel!"
"Jadeite," Queen Beryl said slowly. "Take these Youmas out back and *deal* with them."
"Yes Queen," Jadeite said solemnly, as he dragged the Youma outside while they begged for mercy.
The sponsors looked at Beryl, who desperately looked away. They all listened to the subsequent shouts and cries of pain.
Twenty minutes later, the Youmas walked back in unscathed. Jadeite crawled back in on a stretcher.
"Gosh Beryl I did my best," he said. "They were just too tough! They made me eat garbage!"
"Onto the next room! HEH HEH!" said Beryl, losing it.
"Umm, Beryl," Nephrite said nervously. "We don't have another room."
"WHAT!?" cried Beryl. "How are we a kingdom when we only have like two rooms?!"
The sponsors continued typing on their keyboards. One of them went into the kitchen cabinet labeled "Shitennou snacks." It was full of dog food.
"We have to get them out of here!" shouted Beryl.
"We can take them to our castle, and say it's yours, my Queen," offered Kunzite.
"Your castle is garbage!" snapped Beryl.
Kunzite frowned.
The sponsors approached a huge vault labeled "Energy Stash."
"Uh oh," said Beryl. "Quick, cause a diversion, Jadeite!"
"Umm, ummm, ummm, ummmmm!"
Jadeite ran in front of the vault and threw himself down. "HEEEEELP I'M DYING!"
The sponsors stepped over him and opened the vault. It was full of cobwebs.
An old man who claimed to be Rei's grandfather crawled out. "I've... been trapped in there... for 1000 years! They didn't even have enough energy to open the door!"
The sponsors typed rapidly.
"So, your Shitennou. What exactly do they do? According to my calculations, they seem more of a liability than a asset," said Morton.
"Uhh, they don't do much," said Beryl. "Ya know, typical housework, moral support, the like."
"At one point, you described them as your chief energy suppliers."
"Yes, at one point..." Beryl sputtered. "But you see, times have changed and-"
"Come on!" encouraged the sponsors. "Let's see them in action! Let's see them take some energy!"
"Uhhh, Beryl?" said Kunzite nervously. "Maybe that's not the best idea..."
"What are you talking about?" said Beryl in a struggled voice. "Of course you can get energy! Jadeite, earlier you told me you had a new source of energy! What was it?"
"Oh boy, I'm glad you asked!" said Jadeite. "You see, the humans have this thing called-"
"Perfect!" exclaimed Beryl. "Let's go!"
Everyone teleported to the human world.
"First let's watch Jadeite," said Beryl, figuring that if she started with the weakest link, they would forget about his failures by the end. "He said he'll be taking energy from toddlers at a day care! He can't possibly fail!"
Beryl and the sponsors watched on the crystal ball as Jadeite appeared at the day care.
"You know what?" Jadeite said, looking at the camera they had on him. "This is too easy. I do way harder tasks then this!"
"Stick to toddlers!" yelled Beryl, but he couldn't hear her.
Jadeite appeared at the pro wrestling match. "I'm going to steal energy from these pro wrestlers!"
"Ohhhhh nooooo," said Beryl. "ohhhhh nooooooooooooo! I mean, things are looking bad, but I'm sure with his magical powers, there's no way he can lose!"
"Hey tough guys!" yelled Jadeite at the arena. "How about I take you all on at once, so I at least have to use both hands!"
"What are you, a wise guy?" said one of the really buff wrestlers. "Get in here!"
Jadeite leaped into the ring. "Alright, who's my first victim?"
Someone hit Jadeite over the head with a chair.
"YOUCH!" yelled Jadeite. He crawled to his feet. "I was just warming up."
A big wrestler got him in a choke hold.
"CAN'T BREATHE!" cried Jadeite.
The next one got him in a full nelson, while another one punched him in the gut.
"UGH!" cried Jadeite.
He tried to fly away, but they got him by the foot and pulled him back in. They started pummeling him.
Queen Beryl changed the channel on the ball as the sponsors went back to typing. "He'll be alright," she told them. "Meanwhile, here's one of my best members, Nephrite!"
Nephrite was in his room, completely wasted. "I HATE MY LIFE!" he slurred, throwing up. "If I killed myself RIGHT NOW, I don't think anyone would care!" He downed another bottle of liquor. Then he looked in the mirror and cried. "I HATE YOU!" he slurred, punching the mirror. He got glass in his hand and started crying on the floor.
"Why, world? WHY!?" he demanded, pounding the floor for an answer. There was none.
Beryl changed the channel. "Zoisite won't let me down!" she prayed.
"Oh hi guys!" said Zoisite realizing he was being watched. "Today I'm stealing a rainbow crystal from my good pal Motoki, who works at Crown Arcade. Since he is a normal civilian, it will be an easy snatch!"
Zoisite marched into Crown Arcade, ready for a scrap. He looked around. Then he went to the front desk.
"Excuse me, is Motoki in today?"
"Nope," said Motoki's sister. "He has the day off."
"Shit," said Zoisite. "Hey listen. It's important that I steal his rainbow crystal TODAY, so can you point me to where he is?"
"No way, that's my brother!" she cried.
"Well, if you don't give me your brother's location, I'll kill you!"
Motoki's sister stood up menacingly.
"Oh, I'm shaking!" mocked Zoisite.
Motoki's sister picked him up and threw him into the Sailor V arcade game. He crashed through the screen.
"Owww I got a piece of glass in my hand!" he cried, fleeing.
"I was just getting warmed up!" he vowed, pulling out a phone book. He called someone with the name Motoki.
"Hi, are you the guy that works at Crown Arcade?" Zoisite asked.
"No."
"Hmm, I bet your sister warned you not to reveal your identity! I'm coming over!"
Zoisite appeared in his house.
Some random guy in his underwear looked up in shock.
"Oh my, I'm sorry," said Zoisite leaving.
"This plan isn't working," he said sadly. "Ooo, I know, I can use this machine we bought with the sponsor's money that puts me on the TV screen of anyone who's name we know!"
"Motoki of the Arcade!" Zoisite commanded.
He appeared on Motoki's TV screen.
"Hey there!" said Motoki with a friendly smile.
"Where are you!?" demanded Zoisite.
"I'm at 123 Calamazoo Way!"
"Alright, here I come!" said Zoisite.
He warped there, but it was the middle of Africa. A giant lion came up and grabbed him with its big meaty claw. He started gnawing on his head.
"It's been one of those days," sighed Zoisite as he died.
Beryl changed the channel.
"He looked like he was dying," commented Kwame as he typed.
"No," reassured Beryl. "Now this is my top Shitennou, Kunzite. He won't fail!"
Kunzite stood in the middle of a populated street.
"Hello," he said to a group of girls. "Are you of the female species?"
"Yes..." they said slowly.
"I see. Are any of you by chance the Moon Princess?"
"The what?" they asked.
"Oh, my apologies," said Kunzite, teleporting two feet away.
"Are you the moon princess?"
"I'm a man."
"My apologies."
"Are you the moon princess?"
"Yes!" said a three year old little girl. "I am princess!"
"A HA!" cried Kunzite. "GOTCHA!" he yelled, swiping the three year old and teleporting back to Queen Beryl.
"I GOT HER!" he exclaimed. "I GOT THE MOON PRINCSS!"
"Kunzite," said Beryl angrily. "How old do you think that girl is?
"Umm... three?"
"And how old do you think the moon princess is?"
"Frankly, Queen Beryl, she could be any age."
"Get out of my lair," barked Queen Beryl.
"But Queen!"
"GET!" she cried.
Kunzite walked away. "Come on Princess Serenity," he said to the little girl. "Let's go."
There was a low rattling. The sponsors looked up confused.
"oh no" said Beryl. "OH NO. OOOOHHH N OO!"
There was a loud smashing sound, and suddenly the closet door burst open.
"IT IS I, NO LONGER HYPNOTISED MAMORU!"
"GET BACK IN THERE!" screeched Beryl.
"LLOLOOLOLOLOL!" he trolled, stripping down to his underwear. "TROLLOOLLOLOLOLOL!"
He pulled out his stick and started beating up the sponsors.
Queen Beryl charged him, but he threw a rose and it pierced her heart. She disintegrated.
"STAHHHHHHHP!" cried Morton, before getting whacked on the head. He passed out.
Beryl finally reformed and tried to restrain Mamoru.
Mamoru killed her again and then pulverized Kwame.
The third sponsor made a wild dash out the door.
Queen Beryl reformed yet again and teleported in front of the third sponsor.
"Heh heh, sorry," she apologized. "That guy is kind of a wild card."
"Hmph," said the third sponsor.
"Say, how much are you going to lower our budget for this fiasco?" Beryl wondered nervously.
"Not much," said the sponsor.
"Really?" Beryl asked hopefully.
"No. You won't get a dime from us."
"Drats," sat Beryl. "Now I'll have to eat garbage too!"
FIN
