"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Okay Jadeite, tell it to me so I can give you a promotion!" encouraged Queen Beryl.

"Gee thanks! Okay, so the humans have this thing called-"

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Nephrite running into the room. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Okay Nephrite, tell it to me so I can give you a promotion!"

"WTF!" said Jadeite. "I was here first, pal!"

"First is worst, second is best!" taunted Nephrite.

"DOH!" shouted Jadeite. "What is this, Australian rules?!"

"Ye."

"Well shucks."

"Ye."

"You win this round, Nephrite!" Jadeite said defeated.

"Queen Beryl we found a new source of energy!" shouted Kunzite and Zoisite appearing out of nowhere.

"GET LOST AND STOP STEALING MY THUNDER!" Nephrite barked.

"Ok we'll just steal your lightning."

"NUUUUU!" Nephrite cried.

"So anyway Beryl," began Zoisite. "We found that the humans like figure skat-"

"NOOOOOOOOO!" Nephrite cried louder. "I FOUND THAT THE HUMANS LIKE TO EAT SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!"

"Very well, Nephrite wins," Beryl declared.

"D'awww," said everyone else.

"Aww yeah, Ima take this new promotion and buy a year's supply of store brand cheese doodles!" Nephrite said giddily, skipping out the door triumphantly.

Two seconds later, Nephrite came back in. But something was off about him.

"Did you forget something?" Queen Beryl asked.

"Huh?" Nephrite asked. "Where am I? Is this the South Pole?"

"No… this is the North Pole…" Beryl said slowly.

"Hahaha did you let the door hit you in the head on the way out?" laughed Zoisite.

"And just who are you, kind young lady?" Nephrite asked.

"YOU WANNA SCRAP?!"

"No thank you. I wouldn't want to hurt anyone," Nephrite replied. "I'm a pacifist."

Zoisite slugged him. "WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH NEPHRITE?!"

"Wait, you thought I was that guy?" said the mysterious stranger who seemed to look like Nephrite.

"You're mistaken, I'm Nephrite's twin brother, Nephrake!"

"Ha, yeah right!" said Jadeite. "If you aren't Nephrite, then you must not know my birthday! Tell me my birthday!"

"Huh?" said Nephrake.

"Don't play dumb with my Nephrite. We all know you know my birthday!"

Nephrake was befuddled.

"Of all the lame excuses you've come up with to not do work, I must say, this is the worst one yet," Beryl barked. "Now go steal some energy!"

"Come again?" asked Nephrake.

"STEAL ENERGY RIGHT NOW OR I'LL KILL YOU!"

"Uh oh!" Nephrake gasped. "What do I do? If I steal energy I break my vow of pacifism! But if I don't, this random lady will kill me!"

"…"

"…."

"….."

Finally Nephrake decided he had to do whatever he could to survive. He warped off to start stealing energy.

Suddenly Nephrite entered the room.

"Hey guys! I just got a TON of energy!" he called entering the room.

"WHAT DID I JUST TELL YOU NEPHRITE!" screamed Beryl shooting him with energy. "I TOLD YOU TO GET ENERGY OR I'LL KILL YOU! AND HERE YOU ARE!"

Nephrite flew back and dropped the energy. It floated away.

"Gosh darn it! What the heck was that for Beryl?!"

"LOL NOT SO FUNNY NOW IS IT!" laughed Zoisite.

Queen Beryl shot Zoisite.

"WAAAAA!"

"NOOOOOOOO!" yelled Kunzite

Suddenly Nephrake came running back in.

"OH I CAN'T DO IT!" he sobbed. "IT's JUST WRONG!"

"WHAT!?" gasped Jadeite. "There really were two of them?"

"No way," said Beryl. "I must have done too much crack again. Time to get rid of the double vision… by eliminating them both!"

"No, there's actually two of them," said Kunzite.

Beryl shot Kunzite dead.

"D'aww" said Jadeite. "At least I didn't get shot yet."

Queen Beryl took down Jadeite. But wait, he saw it coming! He teleported away and never came back.

Beryl realized she had to replace Jadeite.

"Hey double vision Nephrites, want to be Shitennou?"

"No thanks," said Nephrake. "I'm a pacifist!"

"Nephrite stop being dumb and join the team."

"I'm not Nephrite I'm Nephra-"

"YEEET WELCOME TO THE CLUB!" applauded Beryl.


The next day…

"Everything is ruled by the stars," said Nephrake.

Nephrite walked inside his observatory. "WTF ARE YOU DOING NEPHRAKE!? WHY ARE YOU IN MY HOUS!?"

"How else would I find a new source of energy?"

"Idk ask the dead beat Jadeite," Nephrite said shoving Nephrake towards the door. "He seems to be able to find new sources."

"Oh by the way," said Nephrake. "I just thought of something. What if we steal as much energy as we can from a group of people from just one person! It will work if they're at the peak of their energy!"

"Hey hey hey," barked Nephrite. "I see what you're doing here, and it's not gonna work, buster! What you just stated was a horrible plan!"

"So your plan's horrible too then?" asked Nephrake.

"Wait a second," said Nephrite. "You said you just came up with that."

Nephrake made a break for it.

Nephrite slammed the door after him and pad locked it. "Finally some peace."

"Dang, what are you going to do about that guy?" asked Zoisite who was sitting on his couch eating his popcorn.

"GET OOUUUUUUUUT!" screamed Nephrite.

He started firing star shaped projectiles at Zoisite. He fled.


Nephrake was taking shelter in the woods. He chopped up a squirrel and ate it because he realized he had to live off the land.

Then Nephrake gutted a squirrel and lived in it to keep warm.

Zoisite appeared in a tree nearby. He spotted Nephrake.

Zoisite threw fire at him but it missed and lit his campfire.

"OMG THANKS!" exclaimed Nephrake. "You just invented fire! Now I can cook my squirrel!"

"Umm… what?" said Zoisite.

"As a show of gratitude, come have a piece of squirrel liver!"

"No thank you," said Zoisite disturbed.


Nephrake and Nephrite appeared at the same time in Queen Beryl's throne room.

"Queen Beryl, the constellation Helios is pointing to a new target!" they both said in unison.

Nephrite turned in anger. Nephrake just shrugged.

"Very well," said Queen Beryl. "You're on the case."

"Wait, which one of us?" asked Nephrite.

"Hmmm," said Beryl. "Eenie meenie minie, JADEITE!"

"AWW YEAH!" said Jadeite. "I haven't had this much action in years. How do I take energy from one person tho?"

"GO GO GO!" screamed Beryl. Jadeite fled.

Nephrite and Nephrake grumbled. "Grrr, I'll still get that energy, because I found the target!"


Nephrite appeared near the target and stared at him for ten minutes with binoculars. "eZ snatch!" he said. "I'm not gonna let that Jadeite get all the glory!"

He went to make his move on the energy. But when he turned the corner, he spotted the last thing he wanted to see. Himself, AKA Nephrake his twin, taking all the guy's energy.

"HEY LEAVE SOME FOR ME!" cried Nephrite.

"No way!" said Nephrake. "All that squirrel protein put me ahead of you. This is my energy!" he said finishing off the victim.

"Hey I'll have you know I'm a higher rank than you!" Nephrite told Nephrake. "You take orders from me!"

"Make me, pops!" taunted Nephrake.

"POPS!?" cried Nephrite.

"That's right old man, you were born 3 minutes sooner ya geyser!" mocked Nephrake.

Nephrite charged blindly, but he was no match for Nephrake's teleportation.

Nephrite didn't see Nephrake warp away, so he kept running and ran straight into a wall.

"Ah, so that's it's done," said Jadeite watching from afar.

He too ran into the wall, and fell onto Nephrite. "Did I do it right?" asked Jadeite.


Nephrite was depressed. His twin was stealing all his glory.

He showed up at the bar. He sat down beside the Amazon Trio.

"I'll have the usual," he said to the bartender.

"Sorry sir, I won't serve you any more liquor until you pay your tab."

"WHAT TAB?!" howled Nephrite.

"You were just in here a couple minutes ago and you ran up a $1,000 tab."

"THAT WASN'T ME! THAT WAS MY TWIN BROTHER, NEPHRAKE!"

"Ha, yeah, good one. I also don't think you're sober enough to drive, so I'll need your keys."

"I had nothing to drink!" cried Nephrite.

"Yeah right, two minutes ago you couldn't even stand.

"NEPHRAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!" he yelled.

Nephrake stumbled down the street laughing. "LOOLOLOLOLLOLOLOL!"


Nephrite strolled up to his doorstep glumly. "It's been one of those days," he sighed.

When he pulled on the door handle, it didn't open.

"Huh? I thought I left this unlocked?"

He put the key in the slot. It didn't work.

"SOMEONE CHANGED THE LOCK!?" he shouted.

He ran up and looked through the window.

Inside was Nephrake partying with the other Shitennou and Queen Beryl. Nephrake had a squirrel pelt rug in the middle of his observatory.

Nephrite started banging on the window.

The only one who noticed him was Nephrake. He went over and shut the blinds.

Nephrite wasn't done yet. He climbed up on the roof and tried to climb down the chimney. But then he fell into fire that Nephrake had lit in the fire place.

"ME NEPHRAKE!" yelled Nephrake. "ME DISCOVER FIRE!"

He ate another squirrel raw while Nephrite teleported just before being burnt to a crisp.

After appearing far away due to his teleport, he realized he could just teleport inside.

He teleported inside.

"THIS PARTY IS OVER!" he shouted, breaking the stereo.

"D'aww," said Kunzite. "That was my jam playing."

Nephrite tackled Nephrake to the ground. He started slugging him repeatedly.

But Nephrake fought back and started slugging him with equal strength. They started rolling around slugging each other.

"Aren't we gonna break this up?" asked Jadeite.

"Nah nah," said Zoisite. "This is a dream come true."

"I bet 50 bucks on Nephrake," said Kunzite.

"You're on pal," said Beryl. "I bet 100 on the other one."

"Why are you just betting to disagree with me?" asked Kunzite.

"Because you SUUUUUUUUCK!"

After twenty minutes of scuffling, Beryl had enough.

She summoned a giant crystal above the scuffle. "NOBODY MOVE!" she yelled.

Everyone froze.

"I'm about to kill the Nephrite I bet against. Which one of you is the real Nephrite?!"

"I'm the real Nephrite!" yelled Nephrite.

"No I am!" cried Nephrake.

Queen Beryl looked back and forth between the two Nephrites, completely flustered.

"He's eating a squirrel right now!" exclaimed Nephrite, gesturing towards Nephrake who was eating a squirrel raw. "That can't be me!"

"I don't know, Queen Beryl," said Zoisite. "From my personal dealings with Nephrite, I can vouch that he did indeed eat squirrels often!"

"NO I DIDN'T!" yelled Nephrite.

"THERE HE IS, THE IMPOSTER!" cried Zoisite. "GET EMMMMM!"

"Alright," said Beryl.

"Wait!" said Jadeite. "If that Nephrite doesn't get along with Zoisite, maybe he's not the phony!"

"What are you talking about?" asked Nephrake. "I, Nephrake, love Zoisite! He's the best person ever! He taught me how to roast squirrel!"

Queen Beryl was still lost.

"I got it, let's ask them some questions!" decreed Jadeite.

"Alright, what's my birthday?"

Neither of them knew the answer.

"They're both phonies!" decided Jadeite. "Everyone knows Nephrite knows my birthday! KILL THEM BOTH!"

"Fair enough," said Beryl.

"NO NO NO STOP!" the Nephrite cried.

"I do know you're birthday!" exclaimed Nephrake.

"What is it?" asked Jadeite.

Nephrake consulted the stars. "Oh stars, which constellation was present in this hemisphere when Jadeite was born?"

"Jadeite is in fact a Cancer," the stars replied.

"Hey that's mean!" said Jadeite.

"No, you're a Cancer zodiac!" Nephrake explained. "So that's why I know your birthday is… June 24th!"

"No," said Jadeite. "YOU MUST DIE!"

"June 25th!" cried Nephrite.

"Crap!" said Jadeite. "He got it!"

"He just guessed based on my calculations!" objected Nephrake.

"No!" said Nephrite.

"NEPHRITE!" yelled Jadeite, hugging Nephrite. "I knew you cared!"

"GET OFF ME, FOOL!" yelled Nephrite, slugging Jadeite.

"Hey now!" exclaimed Nephrake. "How about we all just settle this over a game of cricket?"

Everyone turned and stared at Nephrake.

Nephrake made a break for it.

"YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE LAST OF ME!" He ate another raw squirrel and then extended his glinding wings and flew away like a flying squirrel.

"Dammit you guys scared away the real Nephrite that I betted on. That was cheap, even for you Kunzite," Queen Beryl scoffed.

"Lol can I have my Benjamin now?" asked Kunzite.

Beryl shot him dead. "I'd rather die than stay honest on my bet!"

"I wonder what happened to Nephrake…." Jadeite wondered.


"Hey, can I have another squirrel?" Nephrake asked Rei's grandpa.

"Of course!" he exclaimed, pulling a squirrel out of the bin and serving it to Nephrake. "I'm glad you came home, son."

DUN DUN DUN

FIN