"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Ok Jadeite I'll humor you," said Beryl. "What's your new source?"

"Well, we have found that the humans expend large amounts of energy on feeling sorry for themselves."

"Ah, I see. I think I've heard of that," said Beryl.

"Yeah, yeah! So, if I can make people feel sorry for themselves, they'll work up great quantities of energy that I can easily harvest! MWAHAHAHAH!"

"10/10 Jadeite you go for it!" applauded Beryl.

"Why thank you my Queen I learned everything I know from you!" said Jadeite, taking off to carry out his plan.


Molly walked down the school hall with her good pal Usagi.

"So yeah, sorry I won't see you for a couple of seasons but with my daughter from the future, and then Sailor Galaxia's personified star seed to look after, I'm just gonna have my hands full."

"D'oh," said Molly. "At least I'll show up at least once or twice in seasons three and four!"

"Yeah, see? It's not that bad," reminded Usagi.

Just then, they spotted a poster.

"Juuban High School Freshman Prom!"

They both gasped.

"Oh boy, that will be so much fun!" exclaimed Usagi. "I'm taking me Mamo-chan! Hbu, Molly? Who are you going to prom with?"

"Gosh, well there's this one guy, and then there's this other guy!" she cried with confliction.

"Word of advice," said Usagi. "Go with the more attractive one!"

"Aww, but Melvin has an attractive personality!"

"You're thinking about going with Melvin!?" laughed Usagi. "LOOOLLLLOLOL DUMMY!"

"So you think I should go with Nephrite?"

"WHAT?! Nephrite's a really bad guy! He works for an evil organization! And he stole candy from a baby! And he kicks puppies!" Usagi cried. "LLOLOLOOLOLLL DUMMY!"

"You're not being very considerate," Molly said angrily. "I can fix Nephrite! And Melvin is a nice guy! Sometimes!"

"Just take them both," said Usagi losing interest.

"That's not fair to either of them though!" objected Molly.

"Molly, you know what? I just don't care. The world is falling apart and I have to defend it with my one attack."

"Wait what?!" asked Molly in shock.

"Umm..." said Usagi. "Gotta blast!"

Usagi took off.

"That girl is no help," said Molly.

Molly decided to go home in the middle of the school day. "I'm too conflicted about this, I can't go to math class!"

When she got outside, Nephrite was leaning against a nearby pole.

"Heya guuuuuurrrll!" he called, lowering his shades.

"Oh hi Nephrite!" exclaimed Molly.

"I heard there's a prom at your school," he winked. "And who better to go with than someone who is long graduated?"

"I agree!" said Molly. "That's what Usagi's doing! But..."

"Uh oh," said Nephrite. "But what?"

"But..."

Just then Melvin jumped out of the bushes with a bouquet of shrimp.

"HIDY HO MOLLY! GO TO PROM WITH ME!"

"SCRAM YA LOSER!" yelled Nephrite.

"Get lost, four eyes!" yelled Melvin.

"?" replied Nephrite.

"Yeah that's right, dummy!" said Melvin.

"Boys, boys!" said Molly. "I love you both, but sadly I can only take one of you to prom. I need to think about this!"

"How is this even a question?" asked Nephrite. "I'm so cool! I can drive! I can drink! I can buy you liquor with my fake ID!"

"Good point," agreed Molly.

"HEY wait just a darn tootin' second!" yelled Melvin. "I'm closer to your age! I can make a mean shrimp on the barbie! And I'm the captian of our school's championship winning snail watching team! (I'm the only member!)"

"Gosh, those are some good points as well," Molly admitted.

Nephrite took off his shirt. "Look at my abs."

Melvin took off his shirt. Molly covered her eyes.

"Come on, twinkle toes!" yelled Melvin at Nephrite. "Let's dance!"

"I'll be doing tons of dancing with Molly at the prom!" yelled Nephrite.

Just then the school's principle showed up.

"Excuse me young man, you look a little old to be in high school."

"Pshhhh," scoffed Nephrite. "Only by a couple thousand years."

"I'm sorry sir but if you don't have a child that goes to this school, then you're going to have to leave. Or else I'll call the cops!"

"You win this round," said Nephrite slowly backing away. He pointed to his eyes and then to Melvin's eyes. "I'm watching you!"

He hopped on the motorcycle he brought to show off to Molly and tried to drive off but fell. He teleported away angrily.

"And you, why aren't you in class?" he asked Melvin and Molly. "And why isn't that boy in a shirt!"

"You didn't ask that creepy old man lurking around the school why he wasn't in a shirt!" objected Melvin.

"That's because he was dreamy," said the principle leaving.

"D'oh," said Melvin. Molly went back to class but Melvin stayed outside and sulked.


When Molly got out of school, Melvin was still sulking outside on the front steps.

But he perked up when Molly came by.

"MOLLY! HIDY HO!"

"Hey..." said Molly.

"I saved half of my cranberry milkshake for you!" exclaimed Melvin.

Meanwhile, Nephrite stood on top of a large apartment building nearby with his sniper rifle aimed right at Melvin's head.

"That's right," Nephrite snickered to himself, looking through the scope of his shotgun. Just as he went to fire the gun, he got a bug in his eye. "AHHH GET AWAY!" he cried swatting at it. He accidentally shot the gun.

It pierced the cranberry milkshake and all its contents poured out.

"Meh," decided Nephrite. "Still a pretty good shot. I've still got it!"

Melvin looked in the direction that the bullet came from and spotted Nephrite standing menacingly with his gun on a building. After realizing he had been spotted, Nephrite quickly ducked down under the railing.

"GRrrr!" yelled Melvin, shaking his fist at the sky.

"Aww, now I can't have any cranberry milkshake!" Molly said with fake sadness.

"It's ok Molly! I brought you some extra shrimp in case something like this happened!"

Nephrite teleported on top of Melvin, falling to the ground and knocking over Melvin.

"Heya, Molly!" said Nephrite. "Oops, looks like I stepped in some nerd!" Nephrite laughed.

"Nephrite, that's mean!" said Molly.

"What of it?" asked Nephrite.

"Good point," said Molly. "Want to go get some shrimp!"

"HEY!" yelled Melvin.

"Oh by the way, Molly, I've been meaning to ask you something," said Nephrite. "About that prom..."

Suddenly Queen Beryl's face appeared in front of Nephrite.

"Beryl, lay off!" yelled Nephrite. "I'm busy!"

"Nephrite you must return to the Negaverse immediately!"

"NO!" cried Nephrite. "WAIT!"

But Queen Beryl teleported him back.

Melvin climbed to his feet. "It's ok Molly, he didn't crush all the shrimp!"


Back in the Negaverse, Nephrite wasn't very happy.

"What's so important that you needed to stand between me and my true love?!" demanded Nephrite.

"Nephrite, I needed to tell you not to kill Tuxedo Mask!"

"What? Why not?"

"Because he's a hunkster! That is all," said Beryl. "Oh, and be sure to pass that on to Zoisite."

"I won't forget!" promised Nephrite.

"Good, cya," said Beryl teleporting him into a dumpster.

"WHY BERYL WHY!?" yelled Nephrite.

"That's for sassing me!" said Beryl, going back to daydreaming of Tuxedo Mask.

Nephrite started the long slow teleport to the nearest shrimp place to stop Melvin from stealing his girl. "I hope I'm not too late!"


Melvin and Molly sat at the shrimp place.

Melvin was gobbling shrimp at a world record pace. A whole crowd was gathered around.

Molly hesitantly reached a hand in to take a single shrimp, but Melvin snatched it out of her hand and gobbled it down like a beast.

"Umm... you're kind of being rude, Melvin..." said Molly.

"Hold on Molly!" he said, talking while chewing. "I needed to eat all this shrimp to get up the confidence to ask you something really important!"

"Ok..." said Molly.

"In fact, it's so important that I can't express it with words! I'd start stuttering and throw up!"

"Ok..." said Molly.

"So I wrote it out with shrimp sauce! Here it is!" said Melvin pulling out a plate.

Just then Nephrite appeared. He magically rearranged the shrimp sauce. When Molly read it, instead of it saying "Go to prom with me!" it said, "I'm gay!"

"Gosh Melvin, I didn't know you felt that way!" said Molly.

"I do, 100%!" said Melvin not realizing.

"Well in that case, I'll just go to prom with Nephrite," she said.

"WAAAAAAAT?!" Melvin gasped in anger. He looked at the plate. "Oh no Molly! This isn't what I wrote!"

"It's okay," said Molly. "I accept you."

"No, I wanted to ask you to go to-"

Nephrite stuck a handful of shrimp in his mouth, momentarily stunning Melvin.

Then he warped outside the door and walked in in a tuxedo.

"Hey, Molly," he said suavely. He came up with a bouquet of flowers. "How about you and me go to prom!"

Melvin quickly swallowed the shrimp and pulled out a huge pair of hedgeclippers, cutting the flowers off when Molly blinked.

"Why are you offering me dead flowers?" Molly asked.

"WHAT!?" barked Nephrite angrily. "Fine, I'll just magically warp up a new batch!"

He called to stars. "Stars, present my Molly with a bouquet of-"

"GARBAGE!" yelled Melvin.

"NOOO!" cried Nephrite. But it was too late. The stars gave Molly garbage.

"Nephrite how rude!" said Molly.

Melvin went in for the kill, whipping out a box of chocolates.

"Molly I've loved you for a long time, and I want you to go to-"

Molly opened the box of chocolates, and Nephrite thought fast.

He ran up and started eating all the chocolates. "Oooh is that chocolate? OMNOMNOMNOMNOM!"

"Melvin, why did you give me an empty box? First you eat all the shrimp, then all the chocolate!" Molly said with disappointment.

"What?!" cried Melvin. "Nephrite just ate them all! We both saw it!"

"All I know is you said you were giving me chocolate but I got no chocolate."

"GRRRRRRRR!" growled Melvin.

"Come on Molly, let's ditch this soda stand," said Nephrite. "If you hurry to the car, I'll let you drive!"

"Aww sweet!" exclaimed Molly, running in and hopping in the driver's seat. Nephrite got in the passenger side.

"Now just be careful," said Nephrite. "This car is expensive."

"I got it, I got it," said Molly. She started driving.

But Melvin had latched on to the underside of the car. From below, he fiddled with the car and cut the breaks.

Molly approached a stoplight. She put her foot down on the breaks, but nothing happened.

"Nephrite, the breaks aren't working!" she cried.

"WHAT!? But I just got an inspection!" cried Nephrite.

Molly went hurdling towards a crowd of pedestrians.

"Nephrite save them!" cried Molly.

Nephrite sighed. "The things I'll do for love."

He leaped out of the car at lightning speed and moved the pedestrians one by one to the sidewalk.

"LOOOK OUUUUUT!" cried Molly. Nephrite pushed the last pedestrian out of the way, and thus got run over.

"OOF!" he yelled as his body stopped the car.

"OH NO NEPHRITE!" Molly cried. "ARE YOU OK!?"

"Ehhh, I guess," he sighed.

"Molly, did you see that!" Melvin cried. "Nephrite was trying to kill you!"

"Then why did he save all those people?" asked Molly.

"Because they're assassins who are trying to kill you!"

"That doesn't make sense," said Molly.

"Hey anyway," said Melvin, "Go to prom with me?"

"I can't think about that right now!" shouted Molly. "Nephrite is hurt!"

"Arrrrtghhh!" moaned Nephrite.

"Nah he's just faking!" said Melvin kicking him.

"OUCH!" cried Nephrite.

Melvin went to kick Nephrite again but Nephrite grabbed his foot and pulled him to the ground.

"You know, you've got some nerve Melvin!" said Molly angrily. "That man just saved many people's lives, and you're kicking him!"

"I did it for love!" cried Melvin.

"That's not an excuse!" Molly yelled.

"Look Molly, take this teddy bear I bought you!" Melvin offered. But he reached in the wrong pocket and accidentally pulled out the break pedal he stole.

"MELVIN!"

"Uh oh," said Melvin.

"You tried to kill us both just for me to go to prom with you?!"

"NO!" denied Melvin.

"Aww, cause that would have been romantic."

"D'OH!" yelled Melvin.

"Alright, here's the deal," said Molly. "Nephrite saved a bunch of innocent people, and that's a pretty attractive thing to do. But Melvin has passion! I can't choose on my own, so I'll let you guys choose!"

"How would we do that?" Nephrite asked, getting out from under the car finally.

"A fight to the death!" declared Molly. "The winner gets me as their prom date!"

"Aww sweet!" said Nephrite. "We should have done this from the beginning."

"Uh oh," said Melvin. "Can I call in my stunt double?"

"No stunt doubles!" yelled Molly. "Fight!"

"We need an arena," said Melvin, stalling the best he could.

"I'll make one," offered Nephrite.

"No no no, you'll just make it so you have an advantage!"

"At this point, there's no way for me not to have an advantage," scoffed Nephrite.

"Let's duel at Tokyo Tower!" decided Molly. She warped them both to Tokyo Tower.

"WTF?" said Melvin. "How'd you do that?"

Inside, bleachers were already set up.

On one side, were all the Shitennou and Beryl. "GO NEPHRITE!" read the poster that Jadeite was holding. "BOO NEPHRITE!" read Zoisite's poster. Youmas were also there cheering on Nephrite.

On the other side, were the Sailor Scouts, Rei's grandpa, and Melvin's unnamed school friends. "YOU CAN DO IT MELVIN!"

"On my mark, the fight will begin!" called Molly.

Melvin tried to make a break for it but Molly warped him back. "3...2...1... FIGHT!"

Nephrite summoned a sword and charged Melvin at light speed.

Out of sheer desperation, Melvin threw a wild fried shrimp.

It flew straight into Nephrite's opened mouth that had been opened because he was screaming a battle cry. He starting choking. "COUGH I'M DYING!" He yelled.

Melvin helped him out and started doing the Heimlich maneuver.

"Don't do it!" yelled the Sailor Scouts and Zoisite.

"Oh don't be like that!" said Melvin. "We may have our differences, but I wouldn't want him to actually be harmed!"

As soon as Nephrite was able to breathe again, he stared at Melvin. "You... you saved me!"

"Yep!" said Melvin with a kind smile.

"FOOL!" yelled Nephrite. He backhanded Melvin so hard that he faded from existence.

"Oh Nephrite, I knew you could do it!" said Molly running into his arms.

"Gosh darn it," said Zoisite leaving in a huff.

"Time to go buy our prom tickets!" Molly said gleefully as her and Nephrite flew to the school.


"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, ONLY STUDENTS AT THIS HIGH SCHOOL CAN ATTEND THE PROM!?"

"It is what it is," said the principle. "We can't have grown men taking 16 (at this point) year olds to prom, can we?"

"Hey, I just graduated recently!" objected Nephrite.

"How old are you, sir?" the principle asked.

"...16!"

"Hmm," said the principle. He reached in Nephrite's pocket and pulled out a carton of liquor.

Nephrite was sent to jail, despite his constant hollering that he was old enough to drink by a couple thousand years.

With no options left, Molly went to prom with Melvin. 20 minutes in, he over exerted himself dancing, and passed out and had to go home.

Molly turned lesbian and finished the night dancing with Makoto AKA the gay Sailor Scout!


"Queen Beryl, I have bad news," said Jadeite returning with his head down.

"Oh boy, don't tell me there's an 11th Sailor Scout to contend with," Beryl sighed.

"Well there is Chibi Chibi, but she doesn't really count," replied Jadeite. "No, the bad news is that I was unable to gather energy from humans' feeling bad for themselves. As soon as they saw me, they stopped feeling bad for themselves and instead felt bad for me."

"That's really a shame," said Beryl.

"Yep," said Jadeite, feeling sorry for himself.

"Wait a minute," thought Beryl. "I can use this!"

She took Jadeite's self pity energy. There was a TON of it! It was enough to feed Metalia for 30 years.

THE END.