"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"This was your last chance Jadeite, but you have failed to impress me!"

"D'oh," said Jadeite.

Queen Beryl's eyes glowed white with fury. She pointed her ball at Jadeite to finish him off.

"OHHH NUUUUUU!" cried Jadeite, not ready to face his fate. "I still have so many things I haven't gotten to do yet! Like gather even a miniscule amount of energy!"

Beryl fired her ball. But, she had pointed it the wrong way! She fired it at herself and she died.

"NO BERYL NO!" cried Jadeite in anguish, not realizing that she had only done that by accident. "You took your own life because you were disappointed in me! It's all my fault, I'm sorry!"

He fell to the ground and cried. There was no response.

Nephrite walked in. "Heya Jed... OH MY GOD!" he cried. "YOU KILLED BERYL!?

"No! I mean yes! It was an accident!" Jadeite sobbed.

Zoisite came running in. "Oh hey Jed... WOAH! Nice job Jadeite! I didn't know you had it in you! I have a whole new respect for you now!"

Jadeite continued to cry. "How could you say that!? Queen Beryl is the best boss I ever had!"

Kunzite came in as well. "HOLY SHIT WHO DID THIS!?"

"WAAA!" cried Jadeite. "Don't hurt me!"

"Hurt you?! I should give you a medal! THREE CHEERS FOR JADEITE!"

All the Shitennou cheered for Jadeite. "Hip hip hooray!"

"We need to fix this!" Jadeite wailed.

"...No," said the others.

"What do you mean no!? We must bring her back!"

"Why would we do that?" asked Zoisite.

"So we can take over the world!"

"Meh, Beryl was just gonna kill us and steal all the credit anyway," Nephrite shrugged. "I think we should just go enjoy our new freedom and-"

But before they could catch him, Jadeite went running to Metalia.

"QUEEN METALIA! QUEEN METALIA! QUEEN METALIA!" Jadeite repeated desperately.

"WTF!" yelled Metalia. "You're not allowed down here!"

"Queen Metalia it's an emergency! Queen Beryl died!"

"Hmm, what happened?" Metalia asked disinterestedly.

"She committed suicide!"

"I don't blame her," said Metalia. "I've been hoping to be put out of my misery for ages! I'm just a floating embodiment of evil, it's boring as hell!"

"So we have to bring her back!" insisted Jadeite.

"Yeah, we need to revive her!" added Kunzite, entering the room.

"We must bring back our leader!" Zoisite joined in.

"What they said!" said Nephrite.

"Wait a second," said Jadeite. "You guys were just celebrating Beryl's death and saying you didn't care about our cause at all! What's the dealio?"

"SHHHH!" they all shushed loudly, not wanting to be slain by Metalia.

"Hmm, let's see," said Metalia. "I don't have a lot of ENERGY, Jadeite, but I'll do my best."

Jadeite and the others waited twenty minutes.

"So can you revive her?" Jadeite asked finally.

"Not this time, sadly," Metalia said with a shrug.

"WHAT?! WHY!?"

"It appears that Satan himself is keeping her in Hell this round."

"D'oh!" said Jadeite. "Does this mean... *sniffle* that she's gone forever?!"

"Well... you could always go to Hell and get her back," Metalia said sarcastically.

"BRILLIANT!" exclaimed Jadeite. "This is why you're our leader!"

"...I was only joking," said Metalia.

"LET's ALL GO TO HELL!" Jadeite announced.

They all teleported to Hell against their better judgement.

"Man, haven't seen this place in while," remarked Kunzite.

"Hey, is that a new fountain?" Nephrite asked.

"Oooh, I love what they did with their lava falls! They're much more elegant now," Zoisite added.

They strolled up to the Hell's check-in counter.

"Ah, Kunzite, Zoisite, Nephrite, and Jadeite again!" said the Hell clerk, remembering them by name. "How'd you die this time?"

"No, no, we're not dead!" objected Jadeite. "We're just visiting!"

"Yeah yeah, that's what they all say. You know, you guys were the biggest trouble makers in Hell. I'm not sure that I want to let you back in here!" the employee told them.

Jadeite charged and threw a wild punch. It had little to no effect.

"PLEASE!" he wailed, giving up and begging. "WE NEED TO SAVE OUR QUEEN FROM SATAN!"

"LOL!" laughed the Hell employee. "You're going to take on SATAN!?"

"Yes!"

"Hmm," the employee thought. "If they die to Satan, they'll go to Super Hell! And at last, I'll be done with them coming in every week and messing shit up!"

"Very well," the clerk decided. "You may proceed."

They all ran into the depths of Hell.

"This would be confusing if we didn't know our way around so well," noted Nephrite.

"Hey guys!" yelled Wiseman. "Back already?"

"Grab a seat," called Zirconia. "We're playing Go Fish!"

"OH BOY MY FAVORITE!" yelled Jadeite, running over to join his Hell buddies.

Nephrite grabbed his collar and pulled him back. "Don't get distracted!"

"Right!" said Jadeite, giving a salute.

Suddenly, Jadeite was given a hard shove and almost fell off the cliff into lava.

"I FEEL EVIL!" yelled Grandpa, in his true form, the cross-eyed lobster.

"Grandpa, WTF?!" yelled the Shitennou. "Why are you in Hell?"

"Hahaha I raped a lot of little kids lol," said Grandpa. "And I killed about half a dozen of them!"

"No," said Zoisite. "We mean why are you in Hell now?"

"Oh, I finally passed," he laughed.

"Did you die of old age?" asked Nephrite.

"No, AIDS!" Grandpa chortled.

"Ok, well we really must get going..." said Kunzite trying to escape.

"NOT SO FAST!" yelled Grandpa. "Come see my dwelling here! I call it the helling, because it's a dwelling in hell!"

The Shitennou tried to make a break for it but Grandpa caught them with his pitchfork.

They approached Grandpa's helling. It was made out of skeleton bones, but other than that it looked just like the Temple.

"Smells like dead body in here," remarked Zoisite.

"Yeah that's what the floor is made out of," explained Gramps.

The Shitennou made sure to hover slightly above the ground after that.

"So can I get you boys some snacks?"

"Depends," said Kunzite. "Is it something involving a dead person, Hell, or anything else disturbing?"

"Uh oh," said Gramps. "Is that a no on spaghetti and eyeballs?"

"Yes."

"Oh, it's a yes?"

"No."

"Okey dokey, coming right up!"

The Shitennou face-palmed. Then they made a wild dash for the exit.

"HELP!" cried the devil children Grandpa was keeping prisoner.

But the Shitennou didn't help them and rather used them to bust down the door.

They escaped successfully, right as Gramps arrived back with his dishes.

"Aww nuts," said Gramps. "Oh well, more for me!"


"I think we're lost," said Nephrite, reading a map upside-down.

"Man, travelling here really is Hell!" said Jadeite.

"I can't tell one lava pool from another," complained Nephrite. He was looking at a skull and crossbones that said "You are here." It wasn't much help.

"How are we going to find Satan's lair at this rate?" Zoisite asked.

"Oh, we're going to Satan's lair?" asked Kunzite. "I used to have brunch there every Sunday!"

"Well, where is it?!" said Nephrite angrily.

"Right there!" Kunzite exclaimed, pointing behind them.

There was a huge obsidian castle surrounded by lava and with green, purple, and orange flame decor.

"Wow, I wish our castle looked like that," said Zoisite.

"Alright, let's go team!" encouraged Jadeite.

They approached the only bridge that connected to the castle. It was very rickety and hung above a 12,000 foot drop into lava.

"Jadeite, I think since you killed Beryl, you should go first!" suggested Nephrite.

"No way!" yelled Jadeite. "I think the strongest should go first! Kunzite?"

"Hey, I'm the strongest!" objected Nephrite.

"You're right," said Kunzite. "You go for it!"

"Good idea!" added Zoisite.

"Shit," said Nephrite. "Umm... let's play truth or dare to see who has to do it!"

"What?" said Zoisite. "I don't think you can lose truth or dare..."

"You wanna bet?" said Nephrite.

"Sure."

"Alright, I dare you to cross the bridge."

"What is this, Australian rules?!" cried Zoisite.

"You refuse to do it?" asked Nephrite.

"Yes."

"Then it looks like you lost truth or dare, and you have to cross the bridge!"

"It will be a cold day in hell when I cross that bridge!" vowed Zoisite.

Suddenly there was a gust of wind, and the temperature dropped.

"Fine, I'll do it!" resigned Zoisite. "Here I go!"

He stuck his foot out as though he was about to put it down on the bridge. Then he gave Jadeite a big shove onto the bridge.

Jadeite landed on the bridge. He looked down. "Hey, it didn't break! This will be easy!"

He took a single step. The bridge broke. He plummeted to his death.

"NONONONONONON!" he cried as he fell.

"He was a good man," said Nephrite. "Not good enough to make it across the bridge, but pretty good overall."

"Wait can't he fly?" Kunzite realized.

"Too late to tell him now," mourned Zoisite.

But to Jadeite's surprise, he landed on a boat. There was a guy and a crow.

"Hey boy, want me to take you across this river?"

"Aww yea!" cried Jadeite.

"That will cost you only one Dead Man's Coin!"

"Hmm," said Jadeite. "I have this paper clip, this gum wrapper, this coupon to KFC, and... 22 cents!"

"Good enough," said the guy.

He boated Jadeite across the river.

After Jadeite crawled to shore and climbed up the mountain, he ran into the other Shitennou.

"How'd you get over here?!" he gasped. "The bridge was broke!"

"Lol we remembered we could fly," they told him.

"D'oh."

They opened the huge palace doors.

There was a long foyer filled with dead bodies and skeletons.

"Watch your step," instructed Kunzite

"WAAAA!" yelled Jadeite as he tripped over a dead body.

"DAMMIT JADEITE!" yelled Kunzite. "I've had just about enough of you!"

"Yeah... that's what Beryl said... Right before she *sniffle* killed herself!"

They hopped in an elevator. It went from floor B1 to floor -666. The door opened.

"WHO DARES ENTER MY SACRED PALACE!" called Satan.

"Satan me boy!" yelled Kunzite. "It's me, Kunzite, your good pal from back in the day!"

"Kunzite? Lord Kunzite? Get up here! We have so much catching up to do!"

Kunzite hopped up to a small folding chair across from Satan's huge throne.

Jadeite, Nephrite, and Zoisite followed cautiously.

"So, Kunzite, kicked any cats lately?" Satan wondered.

"I didja one better! I shot them with lightning!"

"Sweet!" said Satan.

Jadeite looked up, and to his horror, spotted Queen Beryl hanging in a cage.

"GET ME OUT!" she cried. "KUNZITE THIS IS NO TIME FOR SMALL TALK! MAKE HIM FREE ME!"

Kunzite sighed. "So, Satan, I actually didn't come just to catch up. It seems you've gone out of your way to keep our leader imprisoned here?"

Satan's face turned into a frown. "Yes? What about it?"

"Well, I mean... I guess, why?"

"Ugh," Satan sighed. "Take a seat and I'll tell you."

Kunzite was already sitting.

"It all started long ago."


"Satan, listen, I need your help!" begged Queen Beryl. "Me and my idiots are about to raid the Moon Kingdom, and we need your help to ensure our success!"

"You know what the price is," said Satan grimly.

"Why yes. I will sell my soul to beat the Moon Kingdom!"

"Very well," said Satan. "Go down the hallway and take a right to the soul for success vending machines. Just put your soul in, and one ticket to success will come out."

"Thanks buddy!" said Beryl. She went down the hall.

She looked around to see if anyone was watching. Then, she put her soul in the machine. A ticket came out.

"YEET!"

Then, giving another glance around, Beryl pulled the string attached to her soul and took it out of the vending machine. "LOOLOL!" she laughed.

"Now I keep my soul and my victory! MWAHAHAHAHAH!"

But unbeknowest to her, Satan was watching. He cursed her lackies with a spell of incompetence, in order to prevent her from victory forevermore.


"Ah, I see," said Kunzite. "That spell was kind of unnecessary though, don't you think?"

"It was nothing personal," answered Satan.

"But why have you decided to trap her now? She has been to Hell several times since then!"

"Well, last time she left Hell, she was asked to fill out her customer satisfaction survey. She rated me with all zero's."

"But this is Hell," Kunzite argued. "If you get zero's for satisfaction, doesn't that mean you did a good job?"

"No, the survery asked how much this felt like Hell, and she said it wasn't Hell at all! It was humiliating! It brought down our Yelp! to four and half stars instead of our original five."

"That's brutal," Kunzite admitted. "But ya know, don't you think that's a little harsh, trapping her forever?"

"I'm Satan. What did you expect?"

"True. But isn't there anything we can do to get you to release her?"

"Well, there is one thing! If you guys can beat me in a game, I'll set her free! The Devil would never break a promise!"

"Alright!" exclaimed Jadeite. "I challenge you to truth or dare!"

"What?" said Satan. "I don't think you can lose truth or dare..."

"You wanna bet?" said Jadeite.

"Sure."

"Alright, truth or dare?"

"Truth," said Satan.

"Shit!" cried Jadeite.

"Just play along until we can get him where we want him," instructed Nephrite.

"Okey dokey," said Jadeite. "Satan, what's your middle name?"

"Gaylord."

"That's my middle name too!" exclaimed Nephrite. "We have so much in common!"

"My turn," said Satan. "Jadeite, truth or dare?"

"Truth," said Jadeite.

Satan let out a sigh. "Jadeite, is it true you still sleep with a nightlight?"

Jadeite looked around nervously. "I don't think I can answer that..."

"NO!" cried the other Shitennou. "YOU HAVE TO! OR YOU'LL LOSE!"

"Fine," pouted Jadeite with a heavy heart. "Yes," he whispered, as tears formed in the corners of his eyes.

"What was that?" asked Satan.

"YES!" cried Jadeite, breaking into a full sob.

Zoisite started laughing.

"Alright, my turn," said Nephrite. "Truth or dare?"

Satan sighed. "Dare."

"HA! I DARE YOU TO FREE BERYL! OOOOOOH SNAP!"

"What is this, Australian rules!?" Satan demanded furiously.

"Yep!" said Nephrite. "Time to let her go, because we win either way!"

Satan was enraged. "I WON'T STAND FOR THIS!"

He got into his battle stance. He pulled out his 8 foot pitch fork and lit it on fire.

"Well it was worth a try," said Jadeite sadly.

Suddenly, Kunzite mentally snapped and charged Satan.

"WOAH!" said the others.

Kunzite charged at the speed of light.

Satan effortlessly slapped Kunzite away. He exploded into the wall.

"Shit," said Zoisite. "He was the toughest one."

Jadeite decided it was all or nothing and charged Satan. Nephrite followed suit.

They both flew in for an aerial attack. Satan blew at them and they flew out into Hell space.

Zoisite stood by himself. "Umm, hey! Listen, I'm not much of a fighter, per se..."

"Go on," said Satan.

"So I'm willing to cut you a deal. A one on one duel, all or nothing. If I lose, you can send me to Super Hell!"

"Cool," said Satan.

"Alright, but you have to place a bet too! Hmm, what do you have that we want? Oh yeah, Beryl!"

"Very well," said Satan.

"So let's just put Beryl in the middle now," insisted Zoisite. "See, I'm putting my soul in the middle! Now you put down Beryl!"

"Alright," said Satan skeptically. He put Beryl in the middle.

"HAHAHAHA! What a fool!" laughed Zoisite. "Kunzite, now!"

Kunzite twitched in the corner. He was too injured to warp in and nab Beryl.

"Kunzite!" cried Zoisite.

Satan narrowed his eyes.

Out of sheer desperation, Zoisite shot petals at Satan's eyes.

He grabbed Beryl and his soul and made a break for it.

"Hey!" cried Satan, swinging at the petals with his pitch fork.

"HAHAHAHAHAHHA!" laughed Zoisite as he fled. "You can't catch me now!"

Then he tripped on a dead body.

"DAMMIT ZOISITE!" yelled Kunzite from the corner he was twitching in.

It was all over now.

Right before Satan chopped Zoisite's head off with his pitchfork, Grandpa leapt in the way and repelled Satan with pure willpower.

"WA!" cried Satan flying back.

Grandpa charged Satan.

"Grandpa!" yelled Zoisite. "But why?!"

"No time!" yelled Gramps. "Grab your silly little friends and RUN!"

"But if we leave here, you're finished!" Zoisite cried.

"I've got this under control," vowed Grandpa. "Now go!"

Zoisite grabbed Beryl again and helped Kunzite to his feet. They both started running out of the castle.

They slid down the cliff and hopped in the boat. They threw the guy and his crow overboard when he asked them for money and started paddeling with their hands throught the lava.

"IT BURNS!" cried Zoisite.

"KEEP PADDELING!"

When they got to the other side, they found Jadeite and Nephrite upside down in the lava, gurgling.

"Ummm, are you guys dead?" Zoisite asked.

"Not yet," Jadeite mumbled.

Reluctantly, they helped Jadeite and Nephrite out of the lava.

They started fleeing on land. They turned around and saw Satan in a hot pursuit, flying with huge bat wings and holding Grandpa's corpse in one of his big meaty claws.

"NO! GRAMPS!" cried Zoisite. "He died protecting us!"

"And now," began Satan, "You'll follow in his footsteps!"

"WA!" they yelled.

They ran for 500 miles and finally neared the gates of Hell.

"Look who's back," sneered the Hell clerk as they ran wildly in his direction.

They leapt over the desk, and Kunzite kicked him in the head.

Right when the clerk was getting up, Satan swooped by and knocked him over.

"THE EXIT!" they cried.

They started climbing the rope ladder to the surface world.

But Satan reached the bottom, and started yanking the ladder threw the ground.

No matter how fast they climbed, they didn't make any progress because Satan was pulling faster.

"WHAT DO WE DOOOOOOO?!" cried Jadeite.

"Yeah, it's not like we can fly or anything!" Nephrite said sadly.

Then they all face-palmed. They tightened their grip on Beryl and flew out of Hell.

Satan smashed into the surface world barrier and could not pass.

"NOOOOOOOOO!" yelled Satan.

"LOLOLOLOL!" mocked Jadeite through the barrier.

Satan reached his hand out and punched Jadeite. They all took a step back.

"YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS NEXT TIME YOU DIE!" vowed Satan.

"LOL!" laughed the Shitennou. "We'll never die! We're invincible!"

Then they got hit by a meteor. They appeared in Hell.

"Heh heh," laughed Jadeite nervously.

Satan charged them.

"WAAAAAA!" yelled Jadeite.


Beryl awoke with a shock, in the crater of a meteor.

"Woah, I'm out of Hell already! I can't believe those numbskulls succeeded in rescuing me!"

She looked over and saw their smashed corpses.

"D'awww, I guess I owe it to them to get Metalia to bring them back."

She appeared in Metalia's room.

"Lmao," laughed Metalia. "They actually pulled it off?"

"Yep!" said Queen Beryl. "And for that reason and that reason alone, I want you to bring them back! I owe them one!"

"Hmm," said Metalia.

20 minutes passed.

"Soo...?" began Beryl.

"It appears that there is nothing I can do. Satan himself is making sure they stay in Hell."

"D'oh," said Beryl.

"Well, I mean," said Metalia. "You could go to Hell to get them back, like they did for you!"

"Nah," said Beryl. "I'm not much of a fighter. Time to open recruitment!"


Gramps opened his eyes. "Did I beat Satan?"

"Nope!" said Super Satan. "You died to him and now you're in Super Hell!"

"YESSSSSSS!" cried Gramps. "That's where a sicko like me belongs!"

"Yup!" agreed Super Satan.

Gramps ran off and frolicked with the other sickos his age.

FIN