"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"
Jadeite lay crumpled on the ground after getting hit by a plane.
"Nice try, Jadeite, but I already told you, if you lost to the Sailor Scouts, you're done!"
"Come on, Beryl! That's just 'plane' mean! Get it? Plane?"
Queen Beryl killed Jadeite.
Mamoru flew into his apartment window after his riveting duel with Jadeite.
"Man since when could I fly? That was crazy!"
He sat down on the couch to gloat, when suddenly, a stone appeared on his table.
"The hell?" said Mamoru, touching the stone.
Instantly, Jadeite's spirit flew out of it.
"Hey there, Endymion me boy!"
"WTF?!" cried Mamoru. He pulled out his whacking stick and swung frantically at the ghost.
"Hey, that's not very nice!" said Jedy. "Don't you remember me? I'm your old guardian from the Silver Millennium!"
"I don't know what any of that means," barked Mamoru.
"Oh shit," said Jadeite. "You haven't realized you're Endymion yet!"
"Endymion who?"
"Endymion YOOUUUUUUU!" Jadeite explained.
"So why are you here?" asked Mamoru.
"I already told you, goober!" insisted Jadeite. "I'm your guardian so I'll continue to guard you after my death!"
"But you're a ghost," said Mamoru. "How are you going to guard me?"
"By giving you advice!"
"Oh god," said Mamoru.
"Now first bit of advice," began Jadeite. "Let's go find a new source of energy!"
"Shouldn't you be unhypnotized as my guardian ghost?" Mamoru figured.
"I was never hypnotized, silly goober!" laughed Jadeite. "Come on, let's hit the town!"
This was the big moment. Mamoru was about to square off with his greatest foe yet, Nephrite.
Sailor Moon stood behind him.
"You like picking on little girls, huh?" Mamoru taunted Nephrite. "How about fighting me like a real man!"
"Huh, I don't think that's such a good idea, Mamoru," advised Jadeite. "Afterall, you couldn't even beat me! And I'm a jokester! That Nephrite is hardcore, you don't stand a chance! YOU'RE FINISHED! GET AWAY WHILE YOU CAN!"
"Shut up!" screamed Mamoru.
"Huh?" asked Nephrite confused, as no one was able to see Jadeite's ghost except Mamoru. "Well anyway, time to fight!"
But then he heard the scream of a young Molly.
"Hmph, we'll fight later," decided Nephrite, flying away. "I have more important matters to attend to."
Jadeite let out a sigh of relief.
"You know, for my guardian, you don't have much faith in me," Mamoru complained.
"Hey I'm just being honest bruh. Now let's go get a milkshake!"
"Shouldn't we chase after Nephrite?" Mamoru asked. "He knows Sailor Moon's identity, we shouldn't just leave her!"
"Nah she got dis," persuaded Jadeite. "My spirit stomache is grumbling, so go go go!"
"Cya round, Sailor Moon!" called Mamoru leaving.
"The nerve of that guy!" shouted Sailor Moon.
Mamoru entered the shipping yard. He now had collected two Shitennou ghosts.
"Waaaa!" cried Sailor Moon.
"Oh no you must save her!" cried Jadeite.
Mamoru looked up and saw Sailor Moon hanging from a random crane.
"Hmm, that's strange," said Mamoru.
"Yeah, I don't know about this," agreed Nephrite. "Don't you find it odd that the bad guys hung her on a crane instead of taking her back to the Negaverse or unmasking her or killing her?"
"Hold on a second," interrupted Jadeite. "But what if it's not the Negaverse!"
"Who else would it be?" asked Nephrite.
"The Dark Moon Clan!"
"Huh?" said Nephrite.
"Huh?" said Mamoru.
"Nevermind," said Jadeite. "But you gotta save her, it could be the real one!"
"Didn't Sailor Moon have red bows?" Mamoru recalled.
"Nah, if they were going to make a fake Sailor Moon, they would have at least tried to make a good one," Nephrite reassured him. "It's gotta be the real one!"
"Alright!" decided Mamoru. "I trust you guys' judgement!"
Mamoru flew up and saved the Sailor Moon.
"Wait," realized Jadeite. "That looks like Zoisite lol."
Zoisite stabbed Mamoru.
"DAMMIT JADEITE!" cried Mamoru.
Mamoru and Zoisite were slugging it out with their sticks.
"GET EM!" yelled Nephrite. "GET EM GET EM GET EM GET EM! FINISH HIM MAMORU!"
"That's kind of distracting," groaned Mamoru, struggling.
"Hey, can you guys keep it down?" shouted Jadeite. "I'm tryna sleep!"
"MAMORU SWING LEFT!" screamed Nephrite through a megaphone.
Mamoru swung left and missed.
"NO THE OTHER LEFT!"
Zoisite slashed Mamoru with the crystal.
"SHIIIIIIIT!" cried Nephrite. "COME ON MAN YOU'RE LOSING! LET ME TAG IN!"
"You can really do that?" Mamoru asked, bleeding.
"Hmm, maybe... I just have to figure out how..."
Mamoru's mask fell off.
"OH SHIT!" yelled Jadeite and Nephrite. "DUDE PUT THAT MASK BACK ON, IT FELL OFF!"
"I can see that!" barked Mamoru.
Mamoru was distracted by arguing with Jadeite and Nephrite and thus got pinned down.
"Whelp this is where our story ends," said Jadeite sadly.
"COME ON YA NINNY, PUT YOUR BACK INTO IT!" Nephrite scolded at Mamoru as he continued to struggle.
"THAT'S NOT HELPING!" Mamoru yelled.
Right before Mamoru was done for, Sailor V saved him.
"I wouldn't trust her if I were you," advised Jadeite. "It might be Kunzite!"
Mamoru tried to slug Jadeite but slugged himself because Jadeite was just a spirit.
Sailor V and Mamoru fled.
"Wait there are four sailors now!?" Jadeite asked in shock.
"What do you mean? There's five!" Nephrite told him.
"When did they get a fourth one?!" Jadeite gasped.
"Literally right after I died," said Nephrite.
"Oh, how'd you die?" Jadeited wondered. "Mamoru wasn't there for that part so I didn't see."
"Meh I don't really want to talk about it."
Evil Mamoru stood before Sailor Moon, black rose glistening in the moonlight.
"Don't hurt her!" cried Jadeite. "She's your girlfriend!"
"Speaking of relationships, remember that time Kunzite lost his boyfriend?" mocked Nephrite.
"HEY SUCK IT!" yelled Zoisite. "I KILLED YOU, SO HA!"
"So what do I do?" Evil Mamoru asked desperately. "I don't know what's what anymore!"
"Kill her! Finish her!" instructed Nephrite. "You're supposed to be evil!"
"No, get back at Beryl for killing me and reviving you instead of me by ruining her scheme!" Zoisite screamed. "You're the reason I died, Mamoru!"
"No, your incompetence is the reason you died!" Nephrite yelled.
"I got the seven rainbow crystals! What did you get, Nephrite?"
"...Energy!" he exclaimed, after thinking for a moment.
"LOL YEAH RIGHT!"
"Stop it!" cried Mamoru. "I'm having an internal crisis here, I don't need your petty squabbling!"
"Yeah guys, cut Mamoru some slack here," agreed Jadeite. "He's trying to figure out if he's evil or not!"
"Didn't he do that last ark?" asked Nephrite.
"Grrr!" yelled Mamoru, finally giving up. "I'll get the silver crystal next time, Sailor Moon!"
He took off.
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?" exclaimed Nephrite. "You could have taken it right there, easy!"
"STFU!" cried Mamoru. "I can't think straight with your constant bickering!"
"Yeah, and every good strategist knows when to leave," added Zoisite.
"No," said Nephrite. "You're just a coward who's afraid of fighting. You're weak!"
"Hey now, I'm weak too but even I stay and fight," said Jadeite, getting in the middle of the scrap.
"I stayed and fought!" objected Zoisite. "Remember that time I killed Mamoru?"
"STAHHHHP," complained Mamoru. "I don't wanna think about it!"
"Wait how do you remember that?" asked Jadeite.
"LOLOLOLOL I KILLED YOU LLOLOLL I KILLED YOU!" taunted Zoisite.
"GET OUT OF MY HEAD!?" cried Mamoru, running in circles and then slamming his face into a wall.
"Hey Kunzite, you're stupid and your ideas are stupid!" heckled Evil Mamoru, showing up to pick a fight with Kunzite for no apparent reason.
"STOP BULLYING HIM!" cried Zoisite. "HIS PLANS ARE BETTER THAN YOURS!"
"No, bully him harder!" Nephrite insisted.
"So should I buy the red wallet or the blue one?" asked Jadeite as he shopped on his laptop using Mamoru's credit card.
Mamoru's eye twitched.
"Get lost scrub, why don't you go teach Sailor Moon how to figure skate again?" barked Kunzite.
"HAHAHAHA GET BURNT MAMORU!" yelled Zoisite. "KUNZITE 1, MAMORU 0!"
"Hey Kunzite remember when your boyfriend died lol," said Mamoru at Nephrite's instruction.
"I'LL KILL YOU BOTH!" screamed Zoisite. "AGAIN!"
"You haven't seen the last of me!" screamed Kunzite as Mamoru teleported away.
"Hahaha yeah right," laughed Mamoru.
"Hey guys I just died!" said Kunzite showing up next to Mamoru in spirit form.
"HEY BAE WELCOME TO THE PARTY!" exclaimed Zoisite.
"Now we're one big happy family!" cheered Jadeite.
"LMAO Remember when Mamoru lost to freaking JADEITE!?" laughed Kunzite. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAH!"
Mamoru tried to punch Kunzite but punched himself in the face and lost consciousness.
Sailor Moon healed Mamoru with the Moon Wand.
"Huh so I guess I wasn't evil after all!" realized Mamoru.
"D'aww," said Jadeite. "I really thought he was gonna be the bad guy. Now I lost a 20 dollar bet to Nephrite!"
"I KEEEEEEEELL YOU!" shouted Queen Beryl.
"Nope!" said Mamoru, about to throw a rose.
"DON'T HURT HER!" cried Jadeite. "I mean sure she has her flaws but she's a good person deep down and-"
The other three Shitennou swatted Jadeite out of the way.
"THROW YOUR ROSE!" yelled Nephrite.
"That will never work," scoffed Kunzite. "You really think that after all this, Queen Beryl could be defeated with just a simple-"
Beryl got rekt, but not before taking out Mamoru.
"NOOOOOOOOOOO NOT OUR MAMO!" cried the Shitennou.
"STAY WITH US MAN!" called Jadeite.
"FLOAT TOWARDS THE LIGHT!" cried Zoisite.
"NO, FLOAT AWAY FROM THE LIGHT!" cried Kunzite.
"WELL WHICH IS IT!?" wailed Mamoru.
"FLOAT TOWARDS KFC AND BUY ME THE 7 PIECES FOR 7 DOLLARS BUCKET OF CHICKEN!" Nephrite screamed.
"WHY DO YOU NEED THAT MUCH CHICKEN, FATASS?" yelled Zoisite.
"I WAS GONNA SHARE BUT NOT WHEN YOU HAVE THAT ATTITUDE!" barked Nephrite.
Mamoru died.
Mamoru stared glumly at his crystal box with the four Shitennou stones.
"Man if I could only ditch these," sighed Mamoru. It had been months since Mamoru had been revived, and his so-called guardians were driving him bonkers.
"Why do you wanna get rid of us?!" cried Jadeite. "We advise you so well!"
"Speaking of advice, it's a beautiful day outside," noted Kunzite. "You should really go get some fresh air."
"Yeah, you've been playing on the computer all day!" Zoisite added.
"I'm not playing!" denied Mamoru. "This is work!"
"Yeah right," scoffed Nephrite. "Let's go take a look at your search history!"
Nephrite's ghost reached for the mouse.
Mamoru slapped it away. "GO AWAY!" he cried.
"NEVERRRRR!" they all yelled.
"You got a new email, Mamoru," Zoisite notified him.
"That's just junk mail," said Jadeite.
"But it's from someone named Chibi-usa," said Zoisite.
"DELETE IT! DELETE IT!" warned Kunzite. "It's a virus! You'll regret it if you open it!"
"Nah, what's the worst that could happen?" asked Nephrite, encouraging Mamoru to open it.
Five seconds later Chibi-usa from the future showed up.
"WHHHHHHHHY!" cried Mamoru in fury and despair.
Mamoru was at the grocery store, pushing his cart.
He picked up a box of store brand Lucky Charms, called Lucky Marshmallows.
"AWW YUCK!" yelled Nephrite. "Don't get the off brand cereal! You make me sick!"
"But it's cheaper! And it tastes exactly the same!" said Jadeite.
"I don't have a lot of money right now," explained Mamoru. "I just want to save up."
"And who's fault is that?" asked Nephrite.
"Yeah," said Zoisite. "How's that job at the Barnes and Noble going?"
"I told you, I didn't get that job," Mamoru said angrily.
"Yeah Zoisite, we were there when he goofed up the interview," Kunzite reminded him. "We've been with him the whole time."
"Unfortunately," mumbled Mamoru under his breathe.
"I don't remember that interview," Zoisite said.
"That's because you and Nephrite got in a huge scrap that lasted the entire time," Kunzite explained. "It caused Mamoru to have a nervous breakdown in the middle of the interview."
"LOL I remember that now! Was that when he screamed 'STAY OF MY MIIIIND' and slugged the interviewer?"
"Good times," reminisced Jadeite. "Good times!"
Mamoru began moving on, taking the loss of buying the name brand cereal to avoid further conflict.
Suddenly Jadeite jumped in front of his cart, stopping him in his tracks. "OMG MAMORU LOOK AT THIS! Non-milk protein milkshakes are buy three, get one free! You can't pass this up!"
"Why would I need that?" asked Mamoru.
"Because you'll be saving money!"
"No," groaned Mamoru. "I would never buy that to begin with."
"You won't know if you like it until you try it!" Jadeite insisted.
"Jadeite you goober," said Zoisite.
"OMG BUY GOOBERS!" Jadeite remembered. "THEY'RE MY FAVE!"
"Also buy me some liquor," Nephrite joined in.
"I'm not 21 yet," mumbled Mamoru.
"Huh?" said Zoisite. "I could have sworn you were at least 25!"
"Where did you get that?" barked Nephrite.
"Idk he just looks older. I think the stress is starting to get to him."
"You mean the stress of us?" asked Kunzite.
Jadeite and Nephrite shushed him.
"SHUUUUUUT UP!" screamed Mamoru in the middle of the store.
"Look at that crazy man talking to imaginary people!" shouted Shingo.
"Oh no, that's my boyfriend!" cried Usagi.
"Woah," said Shingo. "How's you score a hunkster like that?"
"That's a good question," agreed Jadeite. "You're way to good for her, Mamo-chan," he said, playfully punching Mamoru's arm.
"Yeah, and she's a little too young for you," added Kunzite.
"And how old are you?" Mamoru asked angrily.
"Huh?" asked Shingo. "I'm 10, why?"
"Sorry, I wasn't talking to you," apologizied Mamoru.
"Then... who are you talking to?"
"I could tell you but you wouldn't believe me," Mamoru sighed. He went home without buying any groceries.
Mamoru put his letter in the mail slot at the post office.
"Whatcha doing now, Mamo?" asked Nephrite.
"Just mailing a letter," Mamoru sighed angrily.
"To who?" Kunzite asked.
"None of your business!" he yelled.
"I think it is our business," said Zoisite. "Maybe he's ordering illegal drugs!"
"Who mails letters these days anyway?" asked Nephrite. "There's this thing called the internet!"
"IT'S FOR MY GRANDMA!" screamed Mamoru at the top of his lungs.
"That old bag?" asked Zoisite. "When are you gonna put her down?"
"Yeah," said Jadeite. "Put her out of her misery!"
"THAT'S MY GRAN GRAN YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!" Mamoru shouted in anger.
"POOR GRAN GRAN!" cried Jadeite feeling terrible about himself.
"You forgot to send Gran Gran an Easter card," said Kunzite. "I don't think she likes you anymore."
Mamoru stormed out of the post office.
"Do we even have Easter in Japan?" asked Jadeite as Mamoru stomped away.
"Well, back on the Moon Kingdom..." began Kunzite.
Mamoru threw himself in front of a moving car.
"NO!" cried the Shitennou. "You're too old to die!"
They shoved him out of the way.
"UwAaAA!" cried Mamoru.
"I can't take it anymore!" screamed Mamoru. He got in his car and drove and drove and drove.
"Where are we going?" asked Jadeite.
Mamoru was silent.
"This looks like a desert," said Kunzite. "You lost or something?"
Mamoru pulled up to the Grand Canyon and jumped out of the car.
"Nah, Mamo-chan never gets lost!" said Nephrite. "That's why he has a GPS!"
"You idiot," said Zoisite. "If he never got lost then he wouldn't need a GPS."
"Well he doesn't get lost BECAUSE of the GPS," corrected Nephrite angrily.
Mamoru picked up the box holding the Shitennou stones. He punted it into the Grand Canyon.
"WAAAAAAA!" they screamed as they fell.
Mamoru got back in his car and drove home. He had a peaceful ride home for the first time in years.
He walked into his apartment. "Finally, I'll get a good night's sleep!"
He sat down on the couch. Then his heart stopped.
There sat the box, in mint condition, in the same spot he had found it initially.
"We're back!" said Jeddy.
"Didya miss us?" asked Nephrite.
"What was that about?" asked Zoisite.
"Were you lost?" asked Kunzite.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHGHGHGHHGHGHGHGHGHG!" screamed Mamoru.
He leaped out the window. The Shitennou followed.
"I GOT EM I GOT EM!" yelled Kunzite from the ground. But he was ghost so Mamoru flew right through him and hit the ground with a splat.
"Oooohh," cringed Zoisite. "That's gotta hurt!"
Mamoru woke up in the hospital.
"Are they gone? Was it all a horrible dream?"
The Shitennou were sitting in the hospital bed next to him, in casts just like him.
"I brought you flowers!" said Jadeite.
Mamoru unplugged his life support.
FIN
