"Queen Mamoru!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Don't go Mamoru!" called Nephrite. "We need to guard you!"

Mamoru had just pulled the plug on himself so that he would die and escape the Shitennou being his guardians. He sped faster towards the light. "I MUST ESCAPE THESE DEMONS!" he cried.

Mamoru reached the light.


"Am I in Heaven...?" asked Mamoru. "Is it... is it finally over?"

"Yes," said Grandpa. "We are in Heaven!"

"Why are you in Heaven, Grandpa?"

"Well, I charged Satan and got sent to Super Hell, where I charged Super Satan and won. So I just walked up here, since there was no one to stop me. Why are you in Heaven, Mamo-chan?" asked Grandpa.

"Well, I had these ghosts haunting me, so I killed myself. I'm finally free!"

"Not exactly," said Grandpa, pulling off his mask and revealing himself to be Jadeite.

"So Mamoru," began Jadeite. "I followed you to heaven to tell you about a new source of energy I found! This one is going to be a hit!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHHG!" screamed Mamoru, waking up.

"HE'S ALIVE!" cried Jadeite with glee.

"Gee, I'm so glad!" said Motoki, Mamoru's doctor. "I was barely able to bring you back, Mamoru, but with the help of your ghosts I could pull it off!"

Mamoru slugged Motoki. "HOW COULD YOU?!" he screamed. "I WAS FINALLY FREE!"

"Free of what?" wondered Motoki. "Aren't you happy to be alive?"

"NOOOOOOOOOOO! I KILLeD MYSELF! BUT YOU RUINED EVERYTHING!"

"Well gosh Mamoru, I don't know what to say. I could recommend some therapists if you think that would help."

Mamoru sighed. "It's worth a shot."


"Hello Mamo-chan, tell me about your problems, sexy," said Dr. Grandpa.

"Grandpa, why are you a therapist?" asked Mamoru.

"Well, I charged Satan and lost and got sent to Super Hell, where I charged Super Satan and won, so then he offered to bring me back to life if I spared him. So here are I am!"

"But why are you a therapist?"

"It's been my life's dream. So why do you want to die?"

"It's horrible," Mamoru groaned. "I keep hearing the voices of the people who used to work for me but then worked for the enemy but then are working for me again. They won't stop!"

"Not with that attitude we won't," said Kunzite.

"Yeah, we try to help the guy, and this is how he repays us?" asked Zoisite indignantly. "Talking smack about us to old men? What an ass."

"Don't call me old, Zoisite. I am a spry young lad," stated Grandpa.

"WTF?!" cried Zoisite.

"WTF?!" cried Mamoru.

"I bet you're wondering how I can communicate with the dead, right?" inferred Grandpa. "Well, it all started when I charged Satan-"

"Yeah I don't care," said Mamoru. "Just tell them to leave me alone."

"First let's get to the bottom of why they're haunting you," suggested Gramps. "So what is your guys' beef with Mamoru?"

"Beef?" said Jadeite in shock. "We love Mamo-chan! We're only trying to help him!"

Grandpa nodded. "Mamoru, they said they're only trying to help you."

"I heard," barked Mamoru.

"Then what seems to be the problem?"

"Well for one, their advice is awful!"

"I see. And who's fault is it for training them to be bad?" Grandpa asked.

"Queen Beryl's fault."

"Negatory," said Granpda. "You trained them first."

"Hahahahhaa," laughed Jadeite. "'Negatory!' Like Negaverse! Where I used to work!"

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" laughed Nephrite just to be obnoxious.

"Ok, so maybe I did slack off on their training," admitted Mamoru. "And maybe I'm the reason they joined Beryl."

"Yeah," said Zoisite. "You kept trying to ship me with that blue haired girl. You didn't let me be gay so this is what you get!"

"Come on guys," pleaded Mamoru. "Can't I make it up to ya? I'll give you anything you want!"

"Ok," said Jadeite. "We want to be your guardians!"

"ANYTHING BUT THAT!" screamed Mamoru.

"Sorry but no deal," said Kunzite. "We swore our loyalty to you, we can't go against you!"

"BUT YOU DID!"

"But we've learned from our mistakes!"

"I have an idea," said Grandpa. "Why don't you just challenge them to a duel to make them buzz off. If you win, they buzz off, but if they win, they haunt you for eternity!"

"If that's my only option, then let's duel!" screamed Mamoru.

"Good idea," agreed Kunzite. "We shall fight you on top of the Tokyo tower at midnight. Cya there!"

Mamoru celebrated his freedom until midnight, when he showed up to duel.

"Alright," announced Nephrite. "All four of us against you."

"What is this?" demanded Mamoru. "Australian rules?"

"Yep, let's go!"

"Let's go!" said Mamoru, transforming into Tuxedo Mask. He charged them with all his might. He promised himself that he was going to defeat them, or die trying. Either way he would win.

He lunged at them. But when he reached them, he realized that he could not hit ghosts. He was unable to slow down and sped right through them, falling off the Tokyo tower.

"AT LEAST I'LL DIIEEEEEEEE!" he cried with glee as he fell to his doom.


He woke up in the hospital.

"My, my, still trying to kill ourselves, I see," said Motoki the doctor. "You gave us quite the scare!"

Mamoru started foaming at the mouth.

"Luckily, I predicted you were going to try to kill yourself again, so I put a trampoline down at the bottom of where I suspected you'd jump. I'm so happy you're alive!"

Mamoru snapped. He bit off Motoki's face and chopped him into pieces.

"Maybe I will be haunted for the rest of my life, but at least that guy's gone."

Motoki's spirit appeared. "Hey boys!"

"Hey bud!" said Jadeite. "Long time no see!"

"Woah, there's two Jadeites?" asked Kunzite.

"No," said Motoki. "I'm Motoki!"

"Who?" asked Zoisite.

"You took my girlfriend's rainbow crystal," explained Motoki.

"That doesn't sound like me at all," said Zoisite.

"Whelp, looks like I'm not appearing in season five after all," chuckled Motoki.

"It's okay, at least I will be," said Mamoru. He had lost so many brain cells from his pure fury that he finally calmed down and accepted the spirits.


Mamoru sat on a plane, holding a picture of Usagi, Chibi-usa and himself.

"Why did you guys tell me to go to America? This is stupid," said Mamoru.

"My girlfriend always goes on trips far away! And we still get along just fine!"

"I heard Reika cheered when you died," said Mamoru. "I heard her joy all the way from Africa."

"How'd you know she was in Africa?" asked Motoki.

"Well when I was taking her rainbow crystal for the second time-"

"You took her rainbow crystal again?" asked Zoisite in shock. "What a douche, I have one thing and he steals it."

"No, I was just collecting the rainbow crystal HOLDERS, not the actual crystals," Mamoru explained.

"Why?" asked Kunzite. "I'm genuinely curious. I mean you made fun of my plans, I want to know what you thought was a better idea."

"Beryl told me that it would make a strong warrior, so-"

"Sounds like filler to me," said Nephrite.

"Your whole ark was filler!" yelled Zoisite.

"Your whole face was filler!" yelled Nephrite.

"How could you!" cried Zoisite.

"SHUUUUUUUUUUUUT YOUR FACE!" shouted Mamoru.

"I can't, my whole face is filler," said Zoisite.

"CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN IT!"

The whole plane was now staring at Mamoru.

The sleeping baby behind him woke up and started crying and kicking his chair.

"Wow, good job Mamoru," scoffed Kunzite. "NOT!"

"You never used to be this mean when we went to community college together," said Motoki.

"Lol Mamoru, you went to community college?" scoffed Nephrite.

"At least he went to college," sneered Zoisite.

"Hey, at least I went to high school," sneered Nephrite.

"At least I'm not a faggot!" yelled Zoisite.

"But-" began Nephrite.

"Stop fighting," cried Jadeite. "At least you both went to middle school... unlike me D:"

"Why didn't you go to middle school?" asked Kunzite.

"I dropped out to join the Negaverse."

"D'awww," said Motoki.

"I don't know guys," said Mamoru. "I don't think going to America all season is a good idea. What if some drag queen alien tries to hook up with my Usagi?"

"That could never happen!" insisted Motoki. "Usagi is straight!"

"What do you know?" asked Jadeite. "I think Mamoru should go back."

"I do too," decided Mamoru. "Turn this plane around!"

The plane went to turn around, when it was suddenly struck by a wild Galaxia.

"Should I go fight whoever it is?" Mamoru asked.

"Nah," said Jadeite. "You couldn't even beat me, and this is five seasons later. The enemy is probably really strong now!"

"And you haven't even gotten a power-up since the beginning of the show!" reminded Kunzite.

"Hey," argued Mamoru. "I've still always been able to keep up!"

"Yeah," agreed Motoki. "You go for it! Wait a minute, Mamoru is Tuxedo Mask?!"

"He's also Prince Endymion, former prince of Earth!" said Jadeite.

"And King Endymion, future king of Earth," added Kunzite.

"Lol remember when Mamoru was Muslim?" asked Nephrite.

"You mean to say, he was the Moonlight Knight too?!" Motoki gasped.

"What a bunch of filler," sighed Zoisite.

"IMA GO FIGHT!" decided Mamoru at last, leaping on the wing of the plane.

"LOL!" laughed Galaxia. "Let's go boi!"

Mamoru charged. As he charged, all the Shitennou and Motoki cheered him on.

"GO GET EM MAMORU!"

Mamoru swung his stick but it was futile. Galaxia stole his star seed.

"There are warriors that fight for truth and love, and they will stop you!" warned Mamoru as he died.

"I guarantee 95% of them will die this round," stated Nephrite.

"You wanna bet?" challenged Zoisite.

"Yeah let's bet on it!"

"Wait how will we know what happeeeeneneenesssss-" they cried as they all died with Mamoru.


A whole season later, Mamoru was revived from his star seed.

"Ugh, what happened last night?" asked Nephrite, dizzy. "I must have been really wasted."

"Nah I think Mamoru just failed and died again," said Kunzite.

"Did Chibi-usa disappear when he died?" asked Jadeite.

"Nah that was just filler," said Zoisite.

"Aawww, yuck!" cried Jadeite, when a nude Sailor Moon hugged Mamoru. "Why is she nude?!"

"Yeah, put some clothes on!" heckled Kunzite.

"Why was getting undressed necessary to defeat Galaxia?" Zoisite asked. "Is Galaxia a lesbian? Did it distract her?"

"All good questions," said Motoki.

"HEY LOOK, IT's GALAXIA! UP THERE!" yelled Jadeite, pointing at the no longer evil Galaxia who was on her way to put star seeds back.

"GO GET HER!" screamed Kunzite. "DON'T LET HER ESCAPE!"

"Got it!" said Mamoru. He charged good Galaxia like a wild man.

"Wait how are you flying again?" asked Nephrite.

"Oh it comes and goes," replied Jadeite.

Mamoru swatted down Galaxia.

"No, you don't understand!" she cried. "I'm good now!"

"Save it for Satan!" yelled Mamoru, finishing her off. Galaxia was no more.

"WAAAAA!" cried Sailor Moon. "Y U DO DIS!?"

"I can't take you seriously when you're randomly naked," said Mamoru, flying away.

"D'oh," said Usagi. "I knew I should have kept my clothes on."


"We are gathered here to day to join in the holy matrimony of Mr. Mamoru Chiba and Ms. Usagi Sukigo!" said the priest, Grandpa.

"Why is Granpda the priest?" asked Jadeite.

"It's my life's dream," answered Grandpa.

"Ah, so it was actually a religious temple that he lived at?" asked Zoisite.

"No wonder they took it out of the Korean dub," responded Kunzite.

"It's Tsukino," corrected Usagi.

"What's it matter?" barked Grandpa. "In a few minutes you're going to take on the stupid last name 'Chiba.' Lmao Chiba!"

Usagi scowled.

Motoki rubbed the tears out of his eyes. "Our little Mamoru is getting married. He's so young!"

Jadeite sobbed too. "They grow up so fast!"

"Hey Mamoru?" began Usagi.

"Oh no," said Mamoru.

"How come you didn't bring any guests to the wedding?"

"I did!" replied Mamoru. "They're all right here," he said, pointing to the ghosts that she couldn't see.

"Ok..." she said. "Come on Granpda, keep it rolling."

"Alright," said Granpda. He layed down on the floor and rolled off the stage.

"Don't worry brahhh!" said Chad, Grandpa's precessor. "I shall do the vows, yaaaaa?"

"Ok..." said Usagi.

"Do you, Mamoru Chiba, take this shyyaa brahhhh, to be your lawfully wedded chyyyaaaaaaa?"

"I don't like this guy," said Zoisite.

"You're ruining the moment!" cried Jadeite and Motoki.

Nephrite was half asleep. Kunzite was texting on his phone.

"Stop being rude," scolded Mamoru. "This is the best day of my life!"

Nephrite woke up. "Huh?"

Kunzite kept texting.

"Who are you texting?!" demanded Zoisite.

"You, turn on your phone!"

Zoisite took out his phone. He read Kunzite's text. "LOL, you're right, Mamoru would totally do that!"

"Do what?" demanded Mamoru.

"What do you mean, 'Do what?'" replied Usagi. "You're supposed to say, 'I do!'"

"Oh ye right. I do!" said Mamoru.

"Now let's think about this," said Nephrite. "If you get married, you won't be able to date good ol' Setsuna Mayo!"

"I don't want to date Setsuna Mayo," said Mamoru.

"Well she has the hots for you," Jadeite informed him.

"Yeah," added Zoisite. "Just look at the way she looks at you!"

"Setsuna Mayo is a total goober!" yelled Mamoru.

"WTF!?" cried Setsuna from the audience.

"Why are you thinking about her on our wedding day?!" demanded Usagi.

"Pls!" cried Mamoru. "It's not what it looks like!"

"You mean sounds like?" corrected Kunzite.

"SHUT UP!" yelled Mamoru.

"Mamoru why are you acting like this!?" asked Usagi in shock.

"THE GHOSTS IN MY HEAD WON'T STOP!"

"Hey, I hardly said anything," complained Motoki.

"Anyway brahhhhh," said Chad. "Do you take this young brahhh to be your brahhhh for evahhhhhhh Usaghahahaha?"

"I don't understand you, but I do," said Usagi.

"Shyyaaaa yaaaaa brahhh! So you may now ki- wait brahhh! I forgot to ask if anyone had reasons why you should not be wed brahhhhhhs!"

"I object!" yelled Zoisite.

But unfortunately, Chad could not hear him.

"Shyaaa, great! You may now kiss brahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

They finally kissed.

"Aww yuck!" yelled Jadeite. "Keep it PG!"

"Oh btw," began Usagi. "I'm pregnant."

"WHHHHAT?!" gasped Mamoru.

"DAMMIT MAMORU!" yelled Kunzite. "Didn't we advise you to use protection? Didn't ya know Chibi-usa was coming?"

"WAAAA!" cried Mamoru.

"QUICK MAMORU MAKE A RUN FOR IT!" yelled Nephrite.

Mamoru made a run for it. But Galaxia's ghost tripped him.

"That's for killing me!" she yelled, flying away.

Mamoru's falling caused him to lose his head start and he was dragged back while he tried to claw at the crowd.

"Nooooo!" yelled Mamoru.

FIN