"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"
Queen Beryl started howling like an ape and pounding on her chest.
"Did I… did I say something wrong, m'lady?" Jadeite asked in horror.
"No Jadeite, I was just doing my morning work-out routine," responded Beryl.
"?" asked Jadeite.
"So anyway, Jadeite," said Queen Beryl. "I found a new source of energy!"
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!" gasped Jadeite.
"Yup. And it involves all four of you working together!"
"Uh oh, teamwork!" cried Jadeite in horror. "Our only weakness!"
"Bring in the others!" demanded Beryl. "ASAP!"
"Well ya see, m'queen, me and the others don't quite get along very well. If I go to gather them, they'll kill me!"
"Lol good luck," laughed Beryl.
Five hours later a brutally bashed Jadeite returned with the other three on a leash.
"Man they really put up a fight!" chuckled Jadeite.
"LET US GOOOOOOOOO!" they yelled.
Nephrite was taking a chomp on his leash.
"Lol," laughed Beryl. "So anyway, just for kicks, I'm gonna make you all work together!"
"LET US GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" they repeated.
"Nope, can't do!" said Beryl. "Now here's the plan! I want you guys to get energy!"
"Wait, but you said that you had a source of energy!" reminded Jadeite.
"There's no such thing as sources of energy, Jadeite," said Beryl. "Your life was a lie. You've been living in a fantasy land!"
"…!?" cried Jadeite.
"Yep! Now get to work!"
She booted them all out of the North Pole with a giant boot. They landed on an iceberg.
"So what's the plan?" Jadeite asked his friends.
"Well," began Kunzite, "I think we should just do a simple-"
"No!" exclaimed Jadeite passionately. "We need a convoluted, elaborate, and most likely unsuccessful scheme!"
Nephrite nodded. "Yeah, yeah! And it should involve disguises! I have one, it's called Maxfield Stanton!"
"Yeah!" agreed Zoisite. "As long as I can dress up like a girl, I'm in!"
"No," said Kunzite. "I think if we keep it basic-"
Everyone shunned him.
They warped to a street corner in a small town in the American Midwest.
Jadeite tipped his sombrero, and adjusted his off-colored mustache.
Nephrite wore a disguise that was somewhere in between Tuxedo Mask and a scuba diver. "I call it, Tuxscooba Stanton!" he told them.
Zoisite was dressed up like a female nurse but with a fedora.
Kunzite was in his regular garb.
"What are you guys doing?!" Kunzite demanded.
"What's your disguise supposed to be?" asked Zoisite.
"Are you cosplaying as a homosexual?" asked Nephrite.
"Nope, I am Lord Kunzite of the Dark Kingdom!" Kunzite shouted.
"So basically what I said…" muttered Nephrite under his breath.
Jadeite tucked his poncho into his baggy 90's pants. "You know guys, maybe our costumes should have matched up?"
"You're the ones who didn't match," barked Nephrite. "I told you we were doing diving themed!"
"What's our plan again?" asked Zoisite, adjusting his fedora.
"Well, this will be a tough one thanks to sloppy disguise work, especially from that wingnut Kunzite, but I'll come up with something!" promised Jadeite. "Let me think…"
Jadeite thought for a moment.
"I've got it!"
They appeared in a notorious tourist spot in Japan.
"Now," said Jadeite, "We wait!"
They waited for three hours.
"These heels were a bad choice," said Zoisite.
Nephrite was curled up in a ball like a dog. "Man, this scuba diver costume is overheating me! As is the Tuxedo! A bad decision all around!"
"Now's our chance!" yelled Jadeite, waking everyone up.
"What are we aiming for?" asked Kunzite skeptically.
"Those tour guides!" Jadeite explained.
Kunzite glared at him. "This whole time, we were just waiting for tour guides? Any tour guides?"
"No no no," said Jadeite. "We were waiting for a group of four!"
They jumped the group of four, and stole their outfits.
"Now we're tour guides!" Jadeite said triumphantly.
"Wait," said Kunzite. "We waited three hours just to steal outfits? What was the point of the original disguises, then!?"
"Cover," Jadeite explained.
"Come on Kunzite," said Nephrite. "Everyone knows that cover is the most important part of any plan!"
Kunzite started sputtering. "But if we were only taking costumes, why did we wait for a group of four?! The others could have just disguised as tourists if we didn't get enough costumes!"
Jadeite shook his head. "Some people just don't understand sophisticated plan mechanics. We wouldn't want to steal our own energy, now would we?"
"That doesn't make any sense!"
"Your previous disguise didn't make any sense!" snapped Jadeite. "Now sssshhhhh, our tourists have arrived!"
The tourists walked up to them.
"Howdy!" said Jadeite. "I'm Jed, and we're gonna be your tour guides today!"
"Cool, I guess," said Taiki. "We're new to this planet- I mean town! Show us around!"
"Okey dokey!" said Jed.
They began the tour.
"So now that we've got them alone, we can steal their energy, right?" asked Kunzite.
Jadeite put his hand up and shook his head. "Patience."
"Yeah, patience is virtue!" yelled Mamoru from the back of the tour group.
"That guy looks familiar," remarked Kunzite. "We should be on guard."
"No way," said Nephrite. "Everyone knows that trust is the most important part of any plan!"
"But you said-"
"Can it!" yelled Nephrite.
"So this is Tokyo," said Jadeite. "And this is the park!"
"Ooooo," said Zoisite. "This is where I killed Nephrite!"
"WELL TECHNICALLY, you didn't kill me!" Nephrite said mockingly. "You had to have your lowly servants do it!"
"Ooooo, this is the shipping yard where I disguised myself as Sailor Moon!" Zoisite explained to the toursists.
"Huh," said Mamoru. "Why does this guy seem vaguely familiar?"
They went on.
"And this is the Tokyo Tower! Where I tricked the dimwitted Mamoru Chiba into giving me his rainbow crystals!"
"HEY!" cried Mamoru. "Who are you, tour guide?! How do you know me?!"
"Crap, they're onto us," cried Jadeite. "Time for plan B! Act natural!"
They all took off in a mad sprint. The tourists sprinted after them.
"WHY ARE THEY FOLLOWING US!?" cried Jed.
"We paid good money for this tour!" the tourists shouted.
"Why did you charge them?" asked Kunzite.
"Well I don't just give out tours for free!" Jadeite sighed with exasperation.
They ran down a dark alley.
Zoisite spotted a dumpster. "Guys, in here!"
They all leaped in. Kunzite followed without thinking.
"Dammit you guys!" yelled Kunzite. "You just couldn't act normal for long enough that we could complete the plan! Now it's all ruined!"
"Not be a long shot," said Jadeite. "This was all part of the plan."
"Yeah, come on," said Nephrite. "Everyone knows that all good plans have their ups and downs!"
"WHY DIDN'T WE JUST START IN THE DUMPSTER!?" shouted Kunzite.
"Because that would have been suspicious!"
Kunzite was foaming at the mouth.
"Could we get out of this dumpster soon?" asked Zoisite. "It's starting to smell!"
"It's all about you, huh?" barked Nephrite.
"Wtf, I didn't even say anything to you!" Zoisite shouted indignantly.
"You think I like being in a dumpster?" asked Nephrite.
"Maybe, since your house is one!"
"Alright, that's it!" said Nephrite. "One more outburst like that and you're fin!"
Jadeite threw a wild punch at Nephrite.
"So that's how you wanna play it Zoisite?!" yelled Nephrite.
"HUH!?" cried Zoisite.
Nephrite started flailing and hitting everyone in the dumpster. The dumpster started to shake from all the scrapping. Finally it tipped over and they fell out.
"WAAA!" cried the drug dealers who had just been in the middle of a deal in the alley.
They pulled out their guns. "You didn't see anything, did you?" they yelled.
"Yeah, we didn't see anything!" Kunzite agreed.
"What do you mean?" Zoisite asked him. "We just saw them doing a drug deal! A really important one too, judging by their looks!"
"What are you doing!?" whisper-yelled Kunzite.
"Shhhh," whisper-yelled Jadeite. "It's all part of the plan!"
"Is the plan getting killed?!" barked Kunzite.
"So, you think you guys are tough, huh?" scoffed the drug dealers.
"Aww yeah!" yelled Nephrite.
"NO NO NO!" yelled Kunzite. "Please ignore my buds! They don't know what they're saying! They're mentally disabled!"
"Nope," said Jadeite. "We know exactly what we're saying. And we're saying, you guys ain't got nothing on us!"
Kunzite double took in fear. "JADEIIIIIITE!"
"Oh yeah, well how about now?!" the drug dealer screamed. 20 more drug dealers leaped down from atop a nearby building.
"WAAAAAA!" the Shitennou cried. They were surrounded.
"Welp this is where my story ends," said Jadeite.
"Nah," laughed Nephrite. "Everyone knows that fear-induced adrenaline is the most important part of any plan!"
The drug gang began open firing.
They all squeezed their eyes shut.
"See you on the other side!" cried Zoisite.
"I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE!" Jadeite wept.
Right at the last second, Kunzite teleported them away to the rooftop. The drug gang didn't realize they had left so they all shot each other. Not a single gang member remained.
"Ha!" scoffed Jadeite. "I knew we'd make it out of there alive!"
"What are you talking about?!" shouted Kunzite. "If it wasn't for me, you'd all be dead!"
"No, no, no," said Jadeite, shaking his head. "It was all part of the plan. We had that under control."
"Yeah," said Nephrite. "Everyone knows that acting is the most important part of any plan!"
Kunzite's eye started to twitch.
He finally calmed down. "So now what do we do?"
"Now," said Jadeite. "We wait!"
Suddenly, they were approached by another gang on the rooftop.
"DON't KILL US!" Jadeite began to sob. "I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE!"
"Kill you? We should be praising you!" said one of the gang people. "You wiped out our rival drug gang in one foul swoop!"
"Well actually," said Kunzite. "It was all me!"
"There's no 'me' in team!" said Jadeite.
"THERE TOTALLY IS!" yelled Kunzite.
"Anyway," began the gang guy. "We could use all of you guys' brute force to help us sell drugs. What do ya say?"
"Well actually," said Kunzite. "We really must be getting on our way…"
"We're in!" yelled everyone but Kunzite.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?" whispered Kunzite.
"It's all…. Part of….. The plan!" Jadeite replied.
"GAH!"
They took their position on the street corner.
"Drugs! Get your drugs here!" yelled Jadeite at oncoming traffic.
Nephrite had a car wash type sign that he was spinning. On it read "DRUGS SOLD HERE!"
Zoisite was wearing a heroin needle costume, and was dancing around like a fool.
"What are you guys doing?!" barked Kunzite.
"You know you ask that a lot," noted Jadeite. "Instead of asking what we're doing, you should be asking what you could be doing! Now go hang up these posters!"
Kunzite looked at the poster. It said, "Drugs!" and the address of where they were standing.
"You know drugs are illegal, right?" asked Kunzite.
"So…?" asked Jed.
"So you guys will go to jail if you get caught!"
"Don't you mean we guys will go to jail?" asked Jadeite.
"Nope, I have nothing to do with this fiasco!" Kunzite declared.
Suddenly, a customer showed up. It was a cop.
"Hello, friendly officer of the law!" said Jadeite. "Wanna buy some drugs? We have a men in blue discount, for 20% off!" he winked.
The cop jumped out of the car. He pulled out four pairs of handcuffs.
Kunzite made a break for it, but they shot him down with an extendable Taser.
"Uh oh!" cried Jadeite. "Looks like that cop is not a very happy camper!"
"Quick!" cried Nephrite. "Do all the drugs!"
He grabbed twenty needles and injected them at the same time. He fell to the ground and twitched.
Jadeite took a whole bottle of pills and munched them. Zoisite inhaled a mountain of cocaine.
They all spazzed wildly as they were shoved into the cop car.
Nephrite's eyes were dilated, and he looked straight at Kunzite. "I… see… everything!"
He passed out.
They awoke in the police interrogation room.
"Man, I'm really hungover," said Nephrite. "And I don't think it's from alcohol this time!"
Jadeite and Zoisite were shaking. "Give us… another fix!" they cried.
Kunzite face-palmed.
"So," said the cop, Grandpa.
"Grandpa!" cried Kunzite, "Why are you a cop?!"
Grandpa slugged him. "I'm asking the questions here! Now do you fairies think you'll last in prison?" he barked.
Kunzite shrugged. "I mean, I think so!"
"No!" cried Jadeite. "Don't take us away! I'm too pretty to go to prison, do you know what they'll do to me?!" Jadeite started sobbing.
"Only queers like Zoisite would wanna be in prison!" agreed Nephrite.
"Hey!" yelled Zoisite. "That was so uncalled for!"
"What, are you saying that you wouldn't drop the soap on purpose? Huh Zoisite?" yelled Nephrite.
"Maybe in my younger years, but now I'm in a committed relationship!"'
"Well," said Grandpa. "Considering that we caught you not only selling drugs, but doing drugs as well, you boys are in some serious trouble. There is one thing you can do, but it's very risky and there's a big chance you might die!"
"Actually," said Kunzite. "I think prison sounds fine. I will gladly repay my debt to society."
"We'll do anything!" cried Jadeite.
"Excellent," said Gramps. "Now take these wires and strap em' to your chests. You've got some infiltration to do!"
"Why did we need to infiltrate a new gang?" Kunzite asked. "We could have just given him everyone from the old gang!"
"P… l… a… n…" spelled Jadeite, wagging a finger. "Do you know what that spells?"
Kunzite didn't answer.
"What a flunk-out," sighed Jadeite.
"Yeah," joined in Nephrite. "Everyone knows you dropped out of pre-K!"
"No, shut up!" yelled Kunzite.
They entered the gang leader's office.
"Heyo!" said Jadeite. "So," he began. "We were thinking about applying for this here drug gang!"
"Hmm," said the gang leader suspiciously. "And how do you know we're a drug gang?"
"The police told us- I mean, we buy all our drugs from you! We've been your loyal customers for so many years!"
"Really?" asked the leader skeptically. "I've never seen you before, what type of drugs do you buy from us?"
"Um…" said Jadeite, going blank.
"I'm addicted to ecstasy!" exclaimed Nephrite.
"Nice save," whispered Jadeite.
"What do you mean, I was just sharing a secret with my good friends," Nephrite replied, confused.
"We don't sell ecstasy…" the leader said slowly.
"Oh, did I say ecstasy?" said Nephrite. "I meant… wacky shrooms!"
"We don't sell those either," the leader said, reaching for his gun.
"Damn, and you call yourself a drug dealer?" Nephrite barked.
"Yes!" shouted the drug dealer, infuriated.
"Hey, just wondering," Zoisite said to the gang leader. "What's your name again? Oh, and uh, make sure to say it into this microphone!"
"MICROPHONE!?" gasped the drug dealer. He ripped Zoisite's shirt off, revealing his wire.
"Oh my!" blushed Zoisite. "I'll have you know, I'm in a committed relationship!"
"KILL THEM!" screamed the leader.
"What, you can't have me, so you'll just kill us all?!" demanded Zoisite. "No wonder you don't have a boyfriend!"
"Welp this looks like the end!" said Jadeite. "Wait, Kunzite, teleport us out!"
"Nope," said Kunzite. "If this was all part of the plan, you should have a way out on your own!"
"I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE!" cried Jadeite.
Kunzite had finally confirmed that they really did have no way out. He was about to teleport them, when suddenly, an FBI helicopter flew through the wall.
The helicopter shot down the drug leader and his cronies.
"Thanks!" cried Nephrite.
"See?" said Jadeite to Kunzite.
"THAT WAS JUST SHEER LUCK!" yelled Kunzite.
"Nope it was all part of the plan!"
"Great work, you guys!" said the FBI. "You baiting them into revealing their malicious ways by going to kill you gave us the opportunity to rid ourselves of a major criminal organization!"
"It was all part of the plan," said Jadeite, triumphantly.
"We could really use your help around the FBI."
"Actually, we really must be getting to jail…" said Kunzite.
"We're in!" said the other three Shitennou.
The Shitennou walked into the terrorist hang out. They were all sporting turbans and long white and black beards.
"Why did we agree to this?!" sobbed Kunzite.
"It's all part of the plan," said Jadeite.
Kunzite had had just about enough.
"How else are we gonna get energy?" reminded Zoisite.
"Wait, this is still for energy?" asked Nephrite.
"Let's just steal these terrorists' energy and be on our way!" screamed Kunzite.
"No no no," said all three Shitennou at the same time.
The terrorists greeted them, in a language they didn't understand. They all stood there frozen for a second.
The head terrorist looked up at them expectantly, as though he had just asked a question.
Jadeite stepped up to the plate. "Aloo'a Shababa!" called Jadeite.
All the terrorists in the area turned to him.
"No wait!" cried Jadeite. "I meant, Alakbu Shibambam! No, Alakbam Shabooboo! Aloo aloo Akbababababaa!"
The terrorists ripped off their turbans and beards.
They forgot Zoisite and he tried to sneak out the back.
He almost escaped but at the last second they caught him and forced him back with the others.
"D'oh," said Zoisite.
"What are you gonna do with us…?" Jadeite asked nervously.
"I swear, if you make us work for you guys, I might just blow something up!" warned Kunzite.
"Hmm, we could make you suicide bombers, but I honestly don't think dumb-dumbs like you could pull it off!" said the lead terrorist.
"Hey!" cried Zoisite. "We could pull it off! I'll prove it! Give us a bomb right now!"
"ZOIIIIISIIIIITEE!" Kunzite whined, at his breaking point.
"Ye?" asked Zoisite.
Kunzite tried to face palm but he was tied up.
The four Shitennou were hanging upside down above a boiling pot of tar.
"This looks like the end," said Jadeite.
"Oh well, any second now our rescue will arrive!" Nephrite told them. "I mean I hope!"
They were lowered down closer to the boiling pot.
"FBI?! ANYONE!?" cried Nephrite.
"Wait, you were with the FBI?" the terrorists gasped. They began lowering them faster.
"Kunzite warp us!" cried Jadeite. "I've learned my lesson!"
Kunzite went to warp them, but Nephrite elbowed him before he could.
"No, stick to the plan!" he cried.
"WHAT PLAN!?" Kunzite wailed.
"Wait," said Jadeite. "I actually don't think we planned for this!"
"What do you mean you didn't plan for this?" Kunzite asked with an unnatural calm.
"I think our original plan was to just steal the energy of some kids at the playground," chuckled Jadeite. "None of this was really part of the plan, I was just improvising!"
Kunzite finally snapped.
The rope around them disintegrated, and so did the tar, instantly evaporating. The ground started shaking, and there was an obvious aura of energy around Kunzite.
Nephrite put his hand on Kunzite's shoulder. "Are you okay man? Take it easy there."
Kunzite placed his hand on Nephrite's. With a single flick of his wrist, he tossed Nephrite into the sun.
"Woah!" exclaimed Zoisite. "Nice work!"
"RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHGHGHGHGH!" yelled Kunzite, shattering everyone's ears.
He threw a wild punch and Zoisite was no more.
"Hey there," Jadeite said nervously, backing away. "Remember whose side you're on here!"
Kunzite picked Jadeite up by the face.
"MMrrrphhhhh!" Jadeite mumbled frantically, flailing in desperation.
Kunzite devoured Jadeite in one bite.
The terrorists open fired on Kunzite, but it just made him angrier. He began shooting out waves of energy, killing everything in their path. The building collapsed, and soon the entire city was in rubble.
Kunzite punched the ground with so much force that the Earth literally split in half.
He flew out into space and dragged one half of the Earth straight into the sun.
Then, he grabbed the other half and flung it deep into the galaxy, straight into a black hole.
Kunzite started flying towards an unknown destination at record speeds.
He reached the speed of light, and then surpassed it by trillions. He went so fast he created a rip in the space time continuum, and was sent spiraling through a worm hole.
In the worm hole, he accelerated even further, until he was just a one-dimensional line. He split from the universe and was never seen again.
Queen Beryl floated through space with her arms crossed.
"They never did bring me that energy! I guess they can't work together after all! Oh well."
Beryl learned her lesson and eventually came to accept her fate.
FIN
