"QUEEN BERYL" YELLED JADEITE "I FOUND A NEW SOURCE OF ENERGY"
"Wtf Jadeite why are you yelling so loud" barked Beryl.
"Sorry caps-lock was on m'queen"
"Jadeite you're just a big goober aren't you"
"So Beryl why did you call me into work today?" Jadeite wanted to know. "You told me I was on spring break!"
"Hah good one," said Beryl. "I have actually decided to test you, Jadeite."
"Test me?"
"Yep. You see Jadeite, anyone could kill a cat."
"Not someone with morals," said Jadeite, unsure what Beryl was getting at.
"Screw morals," said Beryl. "The real skill is in not killing a cat. Don't you see where this is going, Jadeite?"
"No m'queen," said Jadeite.
"Jadeite this is your last chance."
"Yes m'queen."
"Now take this baby cat named Diana and gather the others. You must protect this baby cat at all costs. If this cat dies you will all die!" Beryl vowed.
"But Beryl! This cat is way too weak! She's practically a newborn!"
"Jadeite," Beryl warned.
"Ok m'queen."
Jadeite warped to the nearby Dunkin' Neganuts.
"I knew I would find you here!" he said to the other three Shitennou.
"Jadeite what is it this time?" asked Zoisite.
"Yeah go back to your hole," said Nephrite.
Jadeite gasped in despair. He quickly got over it. "Guys, Beryl said we have to look after this kitten from the future! If we let it die she'll kill us!"
"Uh oh," said Zoisite.
"Why'd she make us do that?" asked Nephrite.
Kunzite started twitching. "Did you say... cat?"
"Yes..." Jadeite said slowly.
"I must... shoot with lightning..." Kunzite sputtered.
"NO KUNZITE!" Jadeite cried. "BEHAVE YOURSELF!"
Diana walked into the room.
Kunzite couldn't contain himself. He leaped out of his seat and charged the baby cat.
"UWAAAA!" cried Jadeite, leaping in the way. Jadeite got a brutal beatdown in place of baby cat.
"That got some of it out of my system," admitted Kunzite. "But I still have the urge to shoot the cat with lightning."
"Guys," muttered Jadeite from his crumpled heap. "You need to get this thing away from Kunzite. Nephrite, Zoisite, warp away with the cat!"
"Where's the cat?" asked Nephrite.
They fearfully turned their heads to see Diana the baby cat walking across a wire, 10,000 feet in the air.
"BABY CAT!" they cried.
They flew up to grab her.
"Here kitty kitty kitty!" beckoned Nephrite. He reached for the kitty. She attacked his face and he fell to Earth like a meteor.
"How does this newborn kitten even have claws?!" cried Nephrite as he impacted the ground. "Is she even able to see yet!?"
Zoisite had a go at grabbing the cat. Baby cat clawed up his face. "My face, my face I say!" he cried. He charged Baby cat. He hit her off the wire and she started falling to Earth.
Jadeite and Nephrite were both running towards the shadow of where baby cat was going to land, but they were too busy looking up and smashed into each other.
Diana hit the ground with a splat.
"NOOOOOOO!" cried Jadeite. "We're goners!"
But then they realized it wasn't baby cat who had hit the ground with a splat, but rather a random water balloon.
"Get rekt son!" yelled Grandpa from across the street.
They still had time to catch baby cat.
But when they went to get up their heads collided and they fell back down.
Luckily, baby cat landed on their heads and bounced off, falling onto a plate at a table.
Diana looked up. There sat Kunzite, with a knife and fork in each hand, and a bib. The bib had a picture of a dead baby cat on it. He was drooling.
"WAAAA!" meowed baby cat. She made a break for it but Kunzite was faster.
He picked her up and threw her into the air, all while rubbing his stomache. "OMNOMNOM!"
Right at the last second, Jadeite made an aerial leap and snatched baby cat. Kunzite chomped down on his tongue instead.
"YOUUUCH!" he cried.
He slugged the first thing he saw which was Nephrite.
"YOUUUCH!" cried Nephrite. He lunged at Kunzite.
Kunzite side-stepped and Nephrite collided with Jadeite. They got in a huge ball of fighting, while Jadeite cried and tried to dodge the punches.
Zoisite saw the opportunity to take out Nephrite in the chaos and threw a crystal, but it hit Kunzite.
"WAAA!" yelled Kunzite. He didn't want to beat up Zoisite today but he had no choice. He grabbed Zoisite with his big meaty claw and pile drove him into the ground.
Nephrite head-butted Kunzite in the stomache, and Kunzite fell over in pain.
Jadeite went in for the pile driver on Kunzite, but Nephrite swatted him out of the air with his foot.
Once all his opponents were on the ground, Nephrite started pounding his chest in a premature display of victory.
Kunzite grabbed his foot and took a chomp of his leg.
"Youch!" cried Nephrite, falling to the ground.
Zoisite once again saw the opportunity to take out Nephrite but missed and hit Andrew's sister.
She jumped in the heap. With her last breath, she threw her body at Kunzite. It made him lose his grip on Nephrite, who he was pulling closer to him by the leg.
Nephrite scurried away like a cat and hid under a rock.
In addition, Andrew's sister was no more.
"Hey," began Jadeite while both Kunzite and Zoisite clobbered him in unison. "Where's Baby cat?"
They all froze.
From the corners of their eyes, they spotted her walking carelessly in the middle of an eight lane highway.
"BABYYY CAAAAAATTT!" cried Jadeite in horror. He lunged into the highway without thinking and was hit by a car.
"BABBBYYYY CAAAAAAAAAAT!" cried Nephrite, thinking ahead and flying slightly off the ground towards baby cat. But he wasn't high enough and got hit by a large truck.
"BAAAAABYYYYYYY CAAAAAAAAAT!" cried Zoisite, flying way above so that he would not get hit by a vehicle. Just when he reached the stratosphere and was directly above baby cat, he was hit by a plane. "Now I know how a Jadeite feels," sighed Zoisite.
"BBBAAAAABYYYYYYYY CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!" cried Kunzite, picking up his knife and fork and charging. "I WON'T LET MY DINNER GET SQUASHED!"
Kunzite started running across the highway, but the cars were coming too fast. Unable to dodge any longer, he put up a forcefield to hold off a 500 wheeler truck.
But the truck was coming too fast! It smashed into his forcefield, sending the bubble he was in out of the atmosphere and into the sun. Kunzite dodged the sun at the last minute and flew back to Earth in defeat.
Diana reached the end of the highway completely unscathed.
Jadeite let out a sigh of relief before passing out.
Suddenly, a hawk swooped down and grabbed baby cat!
Jadeite awoke instantly.
Nephrite took off into the air after the hawk, but the hawk called its friends. Nephrite was swarmed. He had to retreat.
"Not so fast!" yelled Kunzite, teleporting right in front of the hawk.
The hawk was startled and it dropped baby cat. "Aww nuts," said Kunzite. "There goes my dessert!"
"I've got it, I've got it!" called Jadeite with a catching glove. "Now that Nephrite isn't down here trying to help as well, I won't smash into anyone!"
Jadeite ran into a tree and was unable to continue.
"Looks like it's up to me!" realized Zoisite.
"Hmmm..." he thought as the baby cat plummeted towards him.
"Hmmmmmmmmm..."
For lack of a better idea, Zoisite picked up Jadeite's catching glove from his brutally bashed corpse and held it out where baby cat was falling.
But Kunzite ran up and kneed him in the face.
"Y U DO DIS?!" cried Zoisite.
Kunzite caught baby cat on a pre-buttered plate.
"Now I've got you right where I want you!"
Kunzite went to eat baby cat like a cheeseburger.
But at the last second, Nephrite used his magic to swap baby cat with a nearby rock.
Kunzite bit down on the rock. "YOUCH!" he cried. He died.
Baby cat was very startled by the whole ordeal. "She needs nurturing!" cried Nephrite. "Here Zoisite, nurture her!"
But Zoisite was already dead from being kneed in the face.
"JADEITE!?" cried Nephrite. "TAG IN!"
But Jadeite was already dead from his collision with the tree.
"Looks like I came here for diddly doo!" coughed baby cat, about to die.
"You can survive, baby cat!" pleaded Nephrite. "I believe in you!"
"Ya do?" asked baby cat.
"Ye!" promised Nephrite.
Baby cat made a full recovery.
Nephrite went to visit her in the hospital. He brought her a bouquet of flowers, which she gratefully accepted.
"Thanks bud!" said Diana.
"Hey, anytime," chuckled Nephrite. "You gave us quite the scare there," he laughed, nudging Diana playfully.
Diana died from the light touch.
"NOOOOOOO!" cried Nephrite.
"Nephrite bring me my cat," demanded Beryl.
Nephrite made a break for it.
But Queen Beryl thought fast. She spawned a tree in front of Nephrite, and he ran into it and died.
"Sometimes I wonder why I do this stuff," sighed Beryl. "I'm a real stinker!"
She laughed and went home. She respawned the Shitennou.
"What's up doc?" said Jadeite upon his rebirth.
Queen Beryl killed Jadeite.
Queen Beryl revived Jadeite.
Jadeite charged Beryl.
Queen Beryl killed Jadeite.
Queen Beryl didn't revive Jadeite this time.
FIN
