"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"
"Well, well, well, look what the cat dragged in," replied Beryl.
"We don't have a cat," said Jadeite in confusion. "Kunzite killed it."
"WHAT?!" gasped Beryl in horror. "NOT FLUFFYKINS!"
"The funeral was last week," Jadeite said sadly. "Because Kunzite couldn't restrain himself."
"That's it!" yelled Beryl. "If I ever kidnap and brainwash Mamoru, I'll make sure to brainwash him into hating Kunzite!"
"Fair enough, m'queen," said Jadeite.
"So what's that source of energy?" asked Beryl.
"Well actually, it's not technically a 'source of energy,' per se…"
"Jadeite this is your last chance!"
"It's a faster way of gathering energy!" Jadeite said quickly. "I can use it to increase my productivity!"
Queen Beryl slowly removed her hands from her crystal ball. "Go on…"
"With this new cloning machine I bought off the internet, I could make copies of myself to get ten times more, or even a hundred times more energy!"
"100 times zero is still zero, Jadeite," said Beryl.
"Nah, sometimes I get a little lucky," Jadeite insisted. "With 100 me's, there's a much greater chance that at least one of them will succeed!"
"You better hope so," warned Beryl. "Now hop to it, we don't have all day!"
"Actually m'queen we do have quite a bit of time-"
"Jadeite this is your last chance!"
Jadeite fled.
Kunzite came running in when he left. "Wait, Queen Beryl. I don't think you should give him permission to do this!"
"Why not?"
"Because if he makes too many clones of himself, he can overthrow us!"
"Kunzite, you killed Fluffykins. Get out of my sight."
"Yes m'queen, but don't say I didn't warn you."
Kunzite moped away.
Jadeite stepped into the cloning machine. "Let's just start with ten," he decided. He got in the machine and shut the door. The cloning process was about to initiate.
"Hey, is this a new microwave?" Nephrite asked approaching. He put a quesadilla inside with Jadeite.
"Huh?" Jadeite asked as Nephrite slammed the door.
"Now to put it in for 20 minutes!" decided Nephrite. He typed in 20 minutes and 00 second. "I'll be back for my quesadilla soon!" he said as he walked away.
The machine started. Because Nephrite had hit in 20 with two zeros, the machine made 2,000 Jadeites!
The real Jadeite passed out from the procedure.
The new Jadeites looked around in confusion. "Time to get energy!" they all decided in unison. "Hey look, we each have a quesadilla!"
They all went to eat the quesadillas but they were raw. "Darn."
"Queen Beryl!" cried Jadeites. "We found a new source of energy!"
Beryl looked up from her book and saw a hoard of Jadeites.
"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" she screamed in horror. Queen Beryl threw herself off a bridge. She was never seen again.
"Whelp, let's hop to it boys!" said Jadeite #1546.
They all took off to get energy.
Five hours later, 2,000 Jadeites teleported in, wounded and disheartened.
"I can't believe out of 2,000 of us, not one got energy!" cried Jadeite #290 in despair.
"This is all your fault!" screamed Jadeite #765 to Jadeite #1849.
All the Jadeites started slugging it out.
"Wait!" cried Jadeite #1360. "What if we all worked together? We'd be unstoppable!"
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!" laughed all the Jadeites mockingly.
"No, I agree with Jadeite #1360!" shouted Jadeite #666. "Let's all team up and take down the sailors, once and for all!"
"YeAHHHHHH!" they all agreed.
Sailor Moon and Sailor Mars showed up to the duel at the airport. Ami stayed home to study.
"Hahahah," laughed Jadeite #69, who was standing on a high ledge. "I will destroy you!"
"Oh yeah?" laughed Sailor Mars. "You and what army?"
"THIS ARMY!"
The 2,000 Jadeites came out from hiding. They were all riding in on planes.
"What do we do now?!" cried Usagi.
"WE LEG IT!" cried Rei.
They made a mad dash for the exit.
Suddenly, Sailor Mercury showed up.
"Wow Mercury, you really do care about us more than studying!" Usagi cried with joy.
"Nah, my online textbook was down!" she told them. "Anyhow, Mercury Bubbles Blast!" she exclaimed, shooting her only attack.
"WAAA! I can't see!" cried all the Jadeites. They got confused and smashed all their planes into each other.
"NOOOOOOOOO!" cried Jadeite #69 when all the bubbles cleared and he realized he was the only survivor.
He fled to safety.
"This isn't good! I don't like being alone!"
He ran home and hopped in the cloning machine. He set it to 5,000. The original Jadeite was still laying in there, passed out, so it actually made 10,000 clones.
"Holy mackerel!" cried the real Jadeite waking up. "I only put in for 10! I guess this machine must have been set in kiloJeds! A simple mistake."
He climbed up on top of the cloning machine.
"Now listen, Jadeites! I am the original Jadeite, so I am your leader! You are my minions and will do as I say!"
"No I'm the real Jadeite!" cried all the Jadeites.
"No," said Jadeite. "Don't disobey the first and best Jadeite!"
The mobs of Jadeites jumped him. He was no more.
"Now what do we do?!" cried Jed #4590.
"Now, we riot!" screamed Jadeite #9999.
The Jadeites spread out and conquered the Negaverse.
Kunzite and Zoisite heard a knock on their door.
Zoisite looked through the peep hole and saw about eight Jadeites. "Huh, the glass on this thing must have gotten cracked. I'll just drop Jadeite in the pit."
They hit the button that opened the pit and a few Jadeite fell in.
"Now that that's over with, let's go take a walk!" said Kunzite.
They opened the door. The Jadeites spotted them.
They didn't even get one slug in before they were overtaken by the Jadeites.
Kunzite tried to trap some of the Jeds in a bubble but the bubble wasn't big enough. The other Jeds took him out with ease.
Zoisite gave up and accepted his fate.
Next, Metalia heard a knock on her door. She already knew what was coming because she knew all of what was going on in the Negaverse.
She tried to break out of her seal as a gas and float away through the vent in the ceiling, but the Jeds spotted her. They sucked her up with a vacuum. She was no more.
Then they burst into the human realm.
Nephrite heard a knock on his door.
"I'll get it!" said Molly, who was hanging out with him. She opened the door. She was consumed by the mob.
"MOLLY!" yelled Nephrite. He dived in after her. He fired many attacks, but the Jadeites were too swift. They consumed him as well.
The Jadeites assembled in the Tokyo Tower to plan their next move.
Kunzite, Zoisite, Nephrite, and Molly were all tied up in the closet.
"Let me ouuuuut!" cried Metalia, from inside her vacuum.
"Why should we?" asked Jadeite #8000.
"Because! I'll combine my power with yours, and help you take over the world!"
"Aww sweet!" said Jadeite #69, stepping up to the plate.
He merged with Metalia and became Super Jadeite.
Super Jadeite led the army of Jeds into the streets of Tokyo.
After consuming the population of Tokyo's urban section, they marched up the steps of the temple in rows of twenty, spanning back 10 miles.
They knocked on Grandpa's door. Gramps looked out his peep hole, and saw the giant eye of Super Jadeite looking in. Grandpa knew this day would come, especially after the things he did to Jed. For example, that time he stole his identity and got him beat up, as well as those times he locked him in the basement.
He made a mad dash down the hall of the temple. He snatched Rei by the arm, and they rushed into the bunker.
"What about Chad?!" cried Rei.
"Not enough time!" said Gramps.
"Shyaaa brahhh, don't worry! I was already in here!" Chad said.
"Oh, Chad, I'm so glad you're safe!" cried Rei.
"Not enough time!" cried Grandpa, throwing Chad out of the bunker.
"CHYYYYAAA YAAAAAAAAA BRAHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
They watched through the window as Chad was torn about by the army of Jeds.
Grandpa closed the blinds.
Meanwhile, in the Tokyo Tower closet, the Shitennou and Molly were still tied up.
"Wait, we could just spawn crystals and cut the rope!" realized Zoisite.
"Oy can't spawn creestals!" exclaimed Molly.
"Yeah," remarked Nephrite. "She can't spawn crystals!"
Kunzite sighed and magically broke everyone's ropes.
Then they used Molly to smash down the door of the closet that had been chain-locked.
There were two Jadeite guards, but they disposed of them.
"Now we need to get two more Jeds," said Kunzite. "That way, we can steal their uniforms and disguise ourselves as Jadeites!"
The smallest number of Jeds they could find was 50.
Kunzite and Nephrite took them out with ease, while Zoisite struggled to take down one.
"You're not very good," said Molly.
"Oh yeah? Well how many did you take down?" barked Zoisite.
Two Jadeites swooped down and grabbed each of Molly's arms. They flew away into the horizon.
"MoLLLLLLLY!" yelled Nephrite.
Kunzite put his hand on Nephrite's shoulder. "I'm sorry, but she's gone."
"MOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLY!" he cried.
Molly was never seen again.
"I can't go on," decided Nephrite.
"But you have to!" said Kunzite. "We need all the help we can get to take down the Jeds!"
"Meh we don't need him, I've got it under control," said Zoisite, still struggling with the same Jadeite.
Kunzite sighed and one hit killed the Jadeite. "No offense baby, but Nephrite's just a bit better of a fighter. We need his help."
"But they took Molly!" cried Nephrite.
"Then you must avenge her!" Kunzite told him. "It's the only way."
"Alright," decided Nephrite solemnly. "I WILL AVENGE MAWLY!"
They put on the Jed outfits.
"Wait a minute," said Zoisite. "These are the same as our outfits."
"No," said Nephrite. "He doesn't have the cool shoulder things."
"I don't have the cool shoulder things either!" cried Zoisite.
"Exactly now let's go!" exclaimed Nephrite.
They joined the swarm of Jadeites that were patrolling the streets.
"Oh heavens!" cried Kunzite. There were hordes of Jadeites marching the streets, holding up giant "Jeds Only!" flags.
"Everyone…" gasped Nephrite. "Everyone is gone!"
"I'm not!" yelled Tuxedo Mask, flying through the sky. "I will take down this army!"
Twenty Jadeites flew up in front of him. They circled around him as lightning flashed in the distance. Finally, they all tackled him into the ocean. He was never seen again.
"We should have helped him," said Nephrite.
"Nah that would have blown our covers that we fought so hard to get!" reminded Zoisite.
"I'm surprised we haven't been caught already," said Kunzite. "We're clearly not Jadeites!"
"SHHHHH, Keep it down!" yelled Nephrite.
"Maybe we need wigs," said Zoisite.
"Nah nah, we're good," Nephrite promised.
They followed the flow of Jadeites until they reached where Super Jadeite and a large crowd of Jadeites were gathered.
They made their way through the crowd and up to the source. It appeared that all the Jadeites were working together to pry open a bunker, while the voice of Grandpa screamed, "You'll never take me alive!"
The three Shitennou teleported inside the bunker.
"Why didn't Jed think to do this?" they wondered.
"He's all brawn and no brains," said Zoisite.
Grandpa charged the Shitennou. "GET OUTTA MAH BUNKER!"
"No!" cried Kunzite.
But Grandpa was too fast, and knocked them all down with a single blow.
"Please!" Kunzite begged. "We're on your side! We want your help to defeat the Jadeites!"
"Hmm," said Grandpa. "This calls for me to take my true form!"
Grandpa turned into the cross-eyed lobster. "You see, after that incident with the rainbow crystal, I have come to accept and embrace my true form. After years of training, I've finally become able to transform at will!"
"Yeah!" applauded Rei. "So let's go take out the Jadeites!"
Grandpa opened the bunker door to charge.
"NO!" everyone cried, pulling him back in and shutting the door. A few Jeds had slipped in through the opening, so they had to be dealt with.
"We can't just fight them head on!" explained Zoisite, still struggling with a new Jadeite.
Kunzite went up and one-shotted it.
Gramps de-transformed. "D'aww."
"We need a plan!" Zoisite told them.
"How did Jadeite get so many of himself?" asked Gramps.
"Well ya see," said Zoisite. "He's like a virus."
"No," said Nephrite. "He used that new cloning device from the interweb! I know because he bought it using my credit card!"
"Then let's just use that to make an army of ourselves the size of his! We'll take them out with ease!" Kunzite told them.
They grabbed Grandpa and teleported to the cloning machine.
"HEY!" cried Rei. "DON'T LEAVE ME HEEERe!"
They appeared in the corner of the cloning room. They were horrified to see that the cloning machine was occupied by Jeds, and they were making more by the second.
"We have to take them out!" yelled Kunzite.
"Oh no," said Zoisite.
"Listen Zoisite," said Kunzite. "You've fought hard today. Why don't you sit this one out?"
"Fine!" yelled Zoisite, teleporting back into the bunker where they had left Rei.
"Hey bud it's been a while!"
Rei scowled and turned away.
Meanwhile, Grandpa transformed back into the lobster, and the three of them took out all the Jeds.
Kunzite, Nephrite, and Grandpa jumped into the cloning machine.
"Wait!" said Kunzite. "If we make too many of ourselves, the power might get to our heads, and we'll go out of control, just like the Jadeites!"
"Shit, you're right," agreed Nephrite. "We need someone who is pure of heart to clone themselves!"
"I know who," said Grandpa.
"Who, your granddaughter?" asked Kunzite.
"No, me!"
Kunzite and Nephrite laughed. "Hahaha, yeah right!"
Grandpa pushed them out of the machine and hit clone x 1,000,000.
"NOOOOO!" cried Nephrite and Kunzite, as one million Grandpas shot out of the machine.
Meanwhile, the army of Jadeites were erecting a huge statue of Super Jadeite in the middle of what used to be Tokyo.
They had long since pried open the bunker, and had enslaved Rei and Zoisite to help them build. The two of them were hauling large bricks as they did in the pyramid days.
Suddenly, the Jadeites heard a knock on the door.
"Wait a second," said Super Jed. "We're outside…?"
At that moment, they were charged by an enormous wave of Grandpas. Some had chosen to take the cross-eyed lobster form, while others felt they were more powerful in their base form.
"AAHYHHHHH!" cried the Jadeites.
They tried to fight back, but they were no match for the lobster/old man combo.
The Jadeite army was slowly whittled down to just a few Jeds and Super Jadeite.
Super Jadeite took to the skies to flee. But the Grandpas all stacked on top of each other and formed a huge Grandpa. The huge Grandpa swatted Super Jadeite out of the sky with ease. He was no more.
Meanwhile, Kunzite and Nephrite broke the chains on Zoisite and Rei.
They turned around, and were filled with glee when they saw that all the Jadeites had been pulverized.
"YAY WE DID!" exclaimed Zoisite.
"You didn't do anything," said Rei.
"LOOK WHO'S TALKIN!"
The giant grandpa knelt down to speak with them. He held out a huge hand, and Rei climbed in it.
"Since you're my granddaughter, you shall be my head servant. As for you three…"
"Uh oh," said the Shitennou.
Kunzite, Nephrite, and Zoisite slaved away on a huge Grandpa statue in the middle of town.
"Ruling the world sure is fun!" said Grandpa.
"Grandpa," sighed Rei. "Taking over the world isn't nice!"
"You know what else isn't nice? The fact that my slaves won't get me lemonade!"
Kunzite ran up with a glass of lemonade.
"Thank you," said Grandpa. "NOT! Now bring lemonade to the other million Grandpas!"
"Guys I have a plan," said Nephrite. "All we need to do is find Melvin and make a billion of him!"
The war of Gramps and Melvins raged on for 100 years.
In the end, Melvin overcame the Grandpa overlords.
"Yay, we're finally free!" said Zoisite.
"I'm so happy my plan worked!" said Nephrite.
Kunzite had since died of overworking himself. He only was able to deliver lemonade to about 400,000 of the Grandpas.
"So," said Nephrite to Super Melvin. "Since I was the one who cloned you, you should treat me as your equal and free us from our slavery!"
"Not exactly," said Melvin. "Now go get me a cranberry milkshake!"
FIN
