"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"You know what, Jadeite?" began Queen Beryl.

"Ye?" asked Jadeite.

"I don't want you to report to me anymore. Only high ranking Shitennou and Youma report to me."

"So basically everyone but me?" asked Jadeite.

"No, Zoisite's low ranking too."

"D'aww, I'm gonna miss you my queen," sobbed Jadeite.

"Boo hoo hoo," scoffed Beryl. "Now go report to Kunzite!"

"Fine," sighed Jadeite, leaving.


"Lord Kunzite!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"ARrghhhh," yelled Kunzite from upstairs.

Jadeite rushed upstairs to see what was wrong.

Zoisite was at Kunzite's bedside while Kunzite coughed up blood.

"What's the matter?" Jadeite asked.

"What does it look like, ya doofus?" yelled Zoisite. "He's coughing up blood!"

"Yeah but why?" asked Jadeite.

"Because I'm sick!" barked Kunzite.

"But why?" asked Jadeite.

"It all started in the Burger King restroom," Kunzite groaned.

Nephrite ran in then. "Queen Beryl said I have to report to you now, Kunzite!" Nephrite told him.

"UGH!" Kunzite growled. "Why is Beryl sending me all her trash?"

"So what do you want us to do today, Lord Kunzite?" asked Jadeite, ignoring the intended insult.

"Well, I had a bunch of errands to do, but I'm sick! I guess you guys can do them," decided Kunzite.

"Have fun boys!" taunted Zoisite. "Kunzite needs me here with him!"

"Nice try, slacker," said Kunzite.

"Aww nuts," sighed Zoisite.

"Here's the chore lists," coughed Kunzite, warping up three personalized chore lists. "Have fun boys!"

Nephrite and Jadeite warped off.

"Are you sure I can't get you anything?" Zoisite tried to stall. "A glass of water? Some tissues?!"

"GET BACK TO WORK!"

"UwAHHHH!"


Jadeite read the first chore. "Do my laundry! My capes are dry-clean only!"

"Easy!" scoffed Jadeite. He warped to the laundry mat.

He took out his roll of quarters and scowled. "Kunzite doesn't pay me enough to do this."

With a look of sad resignation, Jadeite put 12 whole quarters in the washing machine and threw Kunzite's shit in the machine in one handful.

He hesitated when he got to the 32 identical capes. "Dry-clean just means you dry it after you clean it, right?" he asked.

Everyone in the laundry mat ignored him.

"Well then."

He put them in with the rest of the wash and hit start. "If I put it on super-hot, it will probably wash better," he figured. "Did I need to put detergent in? Meh, I'm sure it will do it automatically."

Jadeite sat down and read a magazine.


Meanwhile, Nephrite, after drinking 12 bottles of liquor, read his list.

"Take out that punk Nephrite," read the first bullet.

"Hmph," thought Nephrite. He teleported to Kunzite.

"I don't think you gave me the right list," he said.

"Huh," said Kunzite. "Would you look at that?"

Kunzite conjured up a new list.

"Who exactly was supposed to be told to take me out?" wondered Nephrite.

"It's not your concern," said Kunzite. "Now get back to work."

"You don't sound very sick anymore," noted Nephrite.

"COUGH COUGH COUGH!" faked Kunzite. "Now go!"

Nephrite warped away.

"Pick up 12 gallons of bleach at the Four Sisters Beauty Parlor," Nephrite read aloud. "That's strange."

He warped there.

"Hi, I would like 12 gallons of bleach please," he said to the girl at the front.

"Will that be all?" asked Catsy.

"Yep," said Nephrite.

"Would you like to try our Lush and Luxurious hair dye, before you go?"

"Tell me more," said Nephrite, intrigued.

"Well, for a small payment of 999999.99 NegaBucks, we will dye your hair any color of our rich, colorful, limited edition hair dye!"

"Hmm, I've been looking to change things up," said Nephrite. "What color do you think I should go with?"

Catsy thought for a moment. "Have you ever considered going blonde?"

"That'd be crazy!" exclaimed Nephrite. "I'll do it!"

"Ok," said Catsy. "Take a seat here and we will begin."

Five hours later, Catsy finished up.

"What do you think?" she asked, holding up a mirror.

Nephrite took a good look at himself. "Blonde is not for me," he decided. "Put my old color back."

"Okay," said Catsy. "But we had to bleach your hair to get it blonde, so we'll just pick a color close to yours and dye it that color."

"Fine, fine," said Nephrite.

Five more hours passed.

"There you go, back to normal!" said Catsy, handing him the mirror.

"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!" barked Nephrite. His hair was a sickening mixture of orange, purple, and green all at once. "THIS WAS NOT MY HAIR COLOR!"

"I'm pretty sure it was," insisted Catsy. "We didn't have an exact match, so we just went with the closest thing."

"FIX IT!" cried Nephrite.

"We can't. As I said, that was the closest match."

"RAWWWWWR!" yelled Nephrite. He threw a wild punch.

Catsy was sent flying into the shampoo display. She got covered in shampoo.

"You're a dead man!" she cried, charging him with a hair dryer.

"Youch! That was kind of hot!" he cried.

While he was distracted, she pulled out a pair of hedge clippers and went in for the kill.

Nephrite's only defense was spawning a sword and deflecting the hedge clippers. He threw a high kick and took down Catsy.

"I'll be going then," he said to the empty store.

He bent down to pick up his 12 gallons of bleach, when Birdie jumped him. She shot ice at him and he was frozen in place.

"no no no No No NO NO NO!" cried Nephrite, as he was dragged away and put in the front window.

"What are you doing?!" yelled Nephrite, still immobile.

"You're our new mannequin," said Birdie.

"D'oh," said Nephrite as they put a fancy wig and glasses on him. "At least I'm a spiffy looking mannequin."


Zoisite strolled down the street.

He looked at his chore list. It was just random letters. "Must be an encoded message," figured Zoisite. He encoded the message. It said, "Pick up the stuff."

Zoisite gasped and looked at his gunshot wounds from last week. "This is gonna be a tough one! I hope I don't die this time. Metalia wasn't too thrilled last week."

He passed by a display in the window of a local beauty parlor. "That's a nice hat," he commented. "But the mannequin is hideous."

Nephrite threw his frozen body into the window. Zoisite gasped.

"What the hell?"

"YOU GOTTA HELP ME!" cried Nephrite, but because he was frozen, it was too muffled to make out.

"Do you need help?" asked Zoisite.

Nephrite tried to nod but he was too frozen.

"Ok I guess not," said Zoisite, shrugging. "Cya round, and you should fix that hair of yours."

"MMmmmphhh!" Nephrite mumble-cried as Zoisite walked away. Nephrite was really in for it this time.


Jadeite awoke with a start. "Ugh," he mumbled. "How long was I out?"

He looked outside. It wasn't night when he had gone in there…

"Uh oh," said Jadeite.

Everyone was gone and the lights were out in the laundry mat. He turned them back on, and hesitantly looked in the washing machine.

"Oh my Beryl!" he cried. "The clothes were in there for so long that they completely altered their forms!"

He pulled out a pink bikini. "At least this one's still the same," he said with relief.

But the rest of the wash was just bras and underwear. "How did this happen?!" he cried, throwing the undergarments everywhere in distress.

"HEY!" yelled a lady. "WHY ARE YOU GOING THROUGH MY WASH, YOU SICK MAN!?"

"Hey, this is my wash!" yelled Jadeite.

"No, your wash is sitting right there!" said the woman. "I took it out because you left it in the machine for eight hours!"

"Oh," said Jadeite. "Oops."

He tossed his wash in the dryer without looking at it. "eZ"

He sat back down and picked up where he left off in his magazine.

"Table… of… contents," he read out loud. "This is getting good!"

He tried not to fall asleep, but the soothing sounds of the laundry mat put him back to sleep.


Zoisite put on a hooded sweat jacket and snuck through the back allies behind the KFC.

After circling exactly six times to avert suspicions, he stopped at a large metal door.

He tapped the secret pattern knock and waited nervously. A pair of eyes looked out through the mail slot.

"What's the password?" they asked.

Zoisite slipped the index card with the password on it under the door.

The guy read it out loud. "KFC 7 legs for 7 dollars. Correct."

"Do you have the stuff?" asked Zoisite.

"SHHHHHHHH!" the man loudly shushed. "Yes, I have the stuff."

Zoisite waited another ten minutes.

"Ok, I'm ready to accept payment," said the man.

Zoisite slipped $400 under the door.

The guy closed the mail slot.

Zoisite waited patiently outside.

The man never came back.

After three hours, Zoisite had enough. He punched down the door.

Inside, he spotted a glimpse of a cross-eyed lobster hopping out the back window.

"GRANDPA!" yelled Zoisite.

The lobster took off down the street. Zoisite chased after it, but when he turned the corner, the lobster had gathered 12 other cross-eyed lobsters, and they all had their guns pointed at him.

"Hey, take it easy there!" cried Zoisite, putting his hands up. "You don't wanna do this!"

The lead cross-eyed lobster turned back into Grandpa.

"Aww shucks, I was just goofing around," laughed Grandpa. "Here, take the stuff."

Zoisite reached out for the envelope, but instead Grandpa passed him a wild punch.

He fell to the ground. "GRANDPAAA!" he warned.

"Lobsters, go!" yelled Grandpa.

Zoisite shot his petals blinding them all. He teleported away as they all shot each other.

Once everyone was dead but Grandpa, who was immortal, Zoisite reappeared.

He used the element of surprise to try to pry the envelope from Grandpa's hand, but Grandpa was too strong. Grandpa kicked Zoisite in the stomach and he went flying.

"Oof!" he cried as he hit a wall. Zoisite knew he was done for as Grandpa turned back into the lobster and closed in on him.


Jadeite awoke with a start. "It's day again?" he wondered. "Better take my things out of the dryer!"

He reached into the dryer but he couldn't find anything.

"Huh?" he wondered.

He climbed into the dryer to get a better look. Upon examination with a microscope, he spotted one of Kunzite's shirt.

"Uh oh," said Jadeite. "Why'd it shrink!?" he gasped. "I didn't know this dryer was a Shrinkie Dinks oven!"

"This is not good!" he exclaimed as he pulled out the other twenty of Kunzite's identical outfits that were now no more than a millimeter big. "I only have two options," he realized. "Use a grow ray on these clothes, or use a shrink ray on Kunzite!"

He ran over to the local pawn shop and desperately told them his predicament.

"Well I'm sorry," said the pawn shop clerk. "But we're fresh out of shrink rays."

"Darn it! How about grow rays?!"

"Pssh," scoffed the clerk. "Everyone knows that grow rays are just science fiction. But if you want, we still have X-rays and stingrays!"

"NO, NOT STINGRAYS!" cried Jadeite fleeing.

"What's his deal?" the clerk wondered.

Jadeite flailed through the streets. "WHAT AM I GONNA DO!?" he cried.

"YOU COULD GET A LIFE, FAGGOT!" yelled some stranger.

Jadeite spotted the heckler and saw that it was none other than Mamoru Chiba.

They flew up into the sky. Jadeite tackled him into the ocean.

As Mamoru fell to his doom, he yelled, "Just get him a new outfit!"

"Gee, thanks!" said Jadeite.

He headed to the local costume store. On the way there, he passed the Four Sisters Beauty Parlor.

"Nice display!" he commented. "I bet that hat would go great with Kunzite's new costume I'm gonna pick out for him!"

"MMMMMpphhhhh!" cried Nephrite, still frozen.

"What's that?" asked Jadeite. "You don't think it would? D'aww, well if you say so, friendly mannequin."

Jadeite walked away.

Nephrite threw himself against the glass but it was too late.

Jadeite marched into Costumes R Us.

"Now what kind of costume does Kunzite wear again?" Jadeite wondered.

"Need any help?" asked a worker.

"Why yes, do you have anything that looks ridiculous and stupid, but kind of with an evil theme?"

"You mean like what you're wearing right now?" the worker asked him.

Jadeite looked down at his Negaverse outfit and gasped. "No, the exact opposite of this! Whatever you can find that's as different from my perfect outfit as possible!"

"Ok…" said the employee, walking into the back room for a few minutes and then returning.

She pulled out a few suggestions. "This is the evil fairy costume, it comes with wings!"

"Ooooh, that one might just work!" exclaimed Jadeite. "What else do you have?"

"This here is the fireman outfit. It comes with a complimentary hose!"

"Nice, nice," considered Jadeite, nodding his head approvingly.

"And this one's a Sailor Moon costume!"

"Oh boy!" cried Jadeite.


"WAIT!" cried Zoisite as Grandpa's foot collided with his head.

"Ye?" asked Grandpa Lobster.

"I can make you an offer that you can't refuse!" insisted Zoisite.

"Oh?" questioned Grandpa, returning into his old man form yet again.

"I still have 3 rainbow crystals on me!" Zoisite informed him.

"I have no use for those," said Grandpa.

"I have this coupon to KFC!"

"OOOOOO BABY!" yelled Grandpa. "Ok, I'm listening."

"So now, you'll put the envelope with the stuff in the middle, and I'll put the coupon in the middle, and we'll duel for it!"

"Aww yea!" said Grandpa enthusiastically. "But no cheating now! I have faith in you, Zoisite!"

"Of course I won't!" laughed Zoisite. "Who do you think I am?"

Grandpa put his envelope down.

"Ready, set," began Grandpa.

Zoisite warped to the middle, but Grandpa did to.

Zoisite only had time to snatch one item so he grabbed the envelope and teleported away, narrowly avoiding a fatal blow from Grandpa's walking stick.

"GRRRR! I'll get that pesky kid!" yelled Grandpa, devouring the KFC coupon that Zoisite had to leave behind. "Yum, meaty!" he said. He turned back into a lobster and swam down to his coral reef to pay his lobster family a visit.


Catsy, Birdie, and the other two sisters sat in the parlor.

"That mannequin sure is getting us a lot of business," commented the yellow one.

"What are you talking about? There's still zero customers," said the green one.

"Can it," said Birdie. "At least we don't have negative customers."

"That doesn't make any sense," said Catsy.

Suddenly, Nephrite ran up and slugged her.

"How did you get free?!" Catsy cried as she flew into the wall.

"I unthawed," stated Nephrite.

"Stop breaking our walls!" yelled Birdie.

Nephrite punted Birdie through the ceiling.

"Yay, a sun roof!" said the yellow sister.

"I hate the sun!" remarked the green sister.

"Stop your petty bickering and face your fates!" yelled Nephrite.

"I'll take him out!" shouted one of the remaining sisters.

"No, I will!" said the other one. "I'm the one who hated what he did to the ceiling!"

"I called it first!" whined the first one.

"CAN IT!" yelled the second.

They started slugging it out.

Nephrite jumped in the middle and extended both fists in opposite directions. The sisters were taken out when they least expected it.

He grabbed the gallons of bleach and left. "Hahahaha I beat season two guys!" bragged Nephrite. "I GOT DA POWER!"

On the way out, he ran into Prince Diamond.

"What's that about beating season two guys?" Diamond asked.

"Uh oh," said Nephrite.

He threw a gallon of bleach on Diamond and fled.

"Woah, my hair looks great!" exclaimed Diamond. "Oh wait, my hair was already white. Thanks though!"


Kunzite flipped through his funny pictures app on his phone.

"Heh heh, that guy fell off his bike," he snickered.

Suddenly all three Shitennou appeared in his room at once.

He slipped his phone under the pillow and began coughing.

"CHOKE CHOKE! I'm so glad you're all back! I was barely hanging in here! So did you finish my simple chores?"

"I didya one better!" said Jadeite.

"Oh no," said Kunzite.

"So," began Jadeite. "While I did your wash perfectly and without error, I decided that you're too good for that outfit. I threw out those out-of-style uniforms and got you a brand new one!"

"Uh oh," said Kunzite.

"Here ya go!" said Jed.

He pulled out the Sailor Moon outfit.

"YOU EXPECT ME TO WEAR THAT?!" barked Kunzite. "This isn't even my size!"

"Well all your other clothes are gone now, so…"

"What happened to them?" Kunzite asked.

"I told you, I threw them out!"

Kunzite looked at Jadeite suspiciously. "Just a quick question. Would you care to explain to me what dry-clean means?"

"Why?" asked Jadeite.

"Do it."

"Uh oh," said Jadeite. Jadeite fled.

Kunzite sighed. He decided to stay in his tank top and shorts forever.

"Here ya go Zoisite," he said, passing off the Sailor Moon costume.

"Aww thanks!" said Zoisite. "But I doubt there will ever be an occasion for me to wear this!"

"Don't worry Kunzite," began Nephrite. "Because unlike Jadeite, I didn't disappoint you!"

"Oh?" asked Kunzite. "So you took out that punk Nephrite?"

"We went over this…" Nephrite said cautiously. "You said that wasn't for me."

"Oh yeah, yeah. So what'd you do?"

"I got you your bleach," Nephrite said, passing Kunzite the gallons.

"Nephrite," stated Kunzite. "This is only eleven gallons."

"Well I got in a scrap on the way here, and I had to let one go. But I still did a pretty good job, right?"

"Get out of my sight," barked Kunzite.

"D'oh," said Nephrite.

"I didn't let ya down!" promised Zoisite. "It was a treacherous battle but I got you the stuff!"

"Sweet!" said Kunzite.

"So… what was the stuff anyway?" Zoisite couldn't help asking.

Kunzite opened the envelope. Inside it was the same KFC coupon that Zoisite had had in his pocket.

"Yay! 7 legs for 7 dollars! The best deal in the house!" Kunzite exclaimed giddily.

Zoisite jumped off a bridge.


Beryl enjoyed her alone time.

Eventually, Nephrite and Jadeite came running in. "We did everything Kunzite wanted! Now can we report to you again?"

"No," said Beryl. "You two can report to each other!"

"Woah, sweet!" exclaimed Jadeite.

"Nephrite!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Jadeite!" yelled Nephrite. "Everything is ruled by the stars!"

Queen Beryl smiled. "At least those two bozos have each other."

FIN