"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of-"

"Jadeite, have you done your summer reading?" Queen Beryl asked.

"Uh oh," said Jadeite.

"Jadeite I swear," warned Beryl. "If you don't have your twenty page book summary in five minutes, it's an eternal sleep for you!"

"Alright!" said Jadeite. "I'll just go grab it!"

He sprinted out of the room, flailing his arms.

He dashed into the Negalibrary like a wild boar.


"What to read… what to read…?" wondered Jadeite, browsing books. "How about this one? 'Diary of a Wimpy Skid.' Sounds relatable!"

Jadeite went to go check it out, but spotted Nephrite on the Negalibrary Negacomputer chuckling to himself.

"Whatcha doin, friend?" asked Jadeite.

Nephrite did not respond and instead continued typing like a madman.

"Whatcha doin, friend?" Jadeite repeated.

"I'm making a dating profile," Nephrite responded with an evil snicker.

"Good for you, man!" said Jadeite. "It's about time you thought about settling down."

"No, not for me, idiot!" barked Nephrite.

"Oh, sorry," apologized Jadeite.

"It's for Zoisite!" explained Nephrite.

Jadeite looked confused. "Doesn't Zoisite already have a boyfriend?"

"You have a lot to learn, Jadeite," Nephrite sneered. "I'm making a dating profile so that it gets zero responses and then I can show it to Zoisite and laugh."

"That's mean," said Jadeite.

"Rrrrr, back off!" barked Nephrite.

He started howling like a dog and Jadeite fled.

"CHAHCAHCHACHA!" laughed Nephrite as he filled out the information. "Occupation: faggot. Education: Johnson Community College. Interested in: FAGS!"

Nephrite chortled some more.


"How about this one?" asked Tiger's Eye.

"Meh," sighed Fisheye. "Still not as hot as Mamoru Chiba."

"No, we're looking for girls," said Hawk's Eye.

"Meh," sighed Fisheye. "Still not as hot as Mamoru Chiba."

The Amazon Trio sat in their small apartment looking for dates on the internet.

"Internet dating isn't easy, but it beats looking through the same pile of pictures all day!" Tiger's Eye commented.

They scrolled down the dating page to Zoisite's profile.

"Oooooh, this girl looks hot!" said Tiger's Eye.

"Yeah," agreed Hawk's Eye. "She's a real beauty."

They clicked on the profile.

"Wait a second, this girl's a guy!" cried Hawk's Eye.

Fisheye perked up. "Let me see! Ooooooh hooo hooo hoo!"

"Exit out of it!" yelled Tiger's Eye.

Hawk's Eye went to close the page.

"Never!" cried Fisheye.

Fish Eye backhanded Hawk's Eye.

"MY FACE MY FACE I SAY!" yelled Hawk's Eye.

"I'm sending him a message!" declared Fisheye.

Hawk's Eye and Tiger's Eye sighed. "Ok we're leaving."

They went to the other corner of their one room apartment and hid behind the sofa.

"I hope he doesn't get as attached to this one as he did Mamoru Chiba," sighed Tiger's Eye.

"My face still hurts," complained Hawk's Eye.


"AWWW F#$ #%ING BANANA PEEL!" cursed Jadeite in an uncharacteristic display of rage.

"LOOOLOLOLOLL!" laughed Kunzite. "I win the Mario Kart tournament!"

"Why do you guys have to play this at my house?" complained Nephrite.

"None of us have TV's," said Zoisite. "Alright, let's do a rematch, but this time only I get to use items."

"That's no fair!" cried Jadeite.

"Finders keepers, losers weepers!" Zoisite replied.

"That doesn't make any sense!"

"Neither does your 2nd place trophy! HAHAHAHA!"

Nephrite sighed and went back to playing on his laptop. Suddenly, a notification popped up in front of his Farmville tab.

"Rrrrr back off!" he yelled at the notification. "I was busy asking my friends to send me crops! Hey, what's this? I got a reply on my dating profile?"

"OOOOOOOOH!" said everyone in the room. "Nephrite's got a date?!"

"No, it's not a dating profile for me," said Nephrite. "I made one for Zoisite."

"Huh?" asked Zoisite. "Did you really have that many self-confidence problems that you had to make a handsome profile instead of your real one? Don't blame me when you end up on Catfish."

"No, I made it so I could laugh at you when it got no messages," explained Nephrite.

"That's mean," said Kunzite.

"Rrrrrr back off!" yelled Nephrite.

"But it got a message?" asked Jadeite.

"Yeah, it's from some fagboy," Nephrite replied.

Zoisite peered over at Nephrite's computer screen. Zoisite instantly fell in love.

"This loser wanted Zoisite to meet him at the Motoki's sister's diner at 3pm, but I'm just gonna block him to make him feel bad," said Nephrite.

He turned around but Zoisite was gone.

"Where do you think he went?" Jadeite asked Kunzite.

"Nowhere good," muttered Kunzite, teleporting away to go after them.

"Hey Nephrite, wanna play some Mario Kart?" Jadeite asked.

"Get out of my house!" barked Nephrite. "Shouldn't you be reading your summer reading book?"

"Shit!" cried Jadeite. He fled.


Zoisite showed up at the diner in a dress and bonnet.

Fisheye also showed up at the diner in a dress and bonnet.

After 20 minutes of searching, they both sighed. "Whelp, no guys here, time to go home."

They bumped into each other on the way out and their bonnets fell off. They both went to pick up each other's bonnets, when their eyes met.

"OMG! You're that guy from the internet!"

"OMG! So are you!"

"Why are you dressed up like a girl?" asked Zoisite.

"Cuz I'm gay, hbu?" asked Fisheye.

"I am too! OMG!"

"Let's go to the mall!" exclaimed Fisheye.

"OMG ya!" replied Zoisite.

Kunzite lowered his newspaper from the nearby booth he was sitting in and watched them leave.

"Hmmm," he mumbled.

"Excuse me sir do you have some extra syrup?" asked Jadeite, leaning over from his seat in Kunzite's booth.

He grabbed the syrup and poured it on his waffle.

Across from him was Nephrite.

"Grrr, what are you guys doing here?!" yelled Kunzite.

"Just following Zoisite around," said Nephrite.

"Yeah, and we figured it would be funner to follow him around with you! Since you're doing the same!" said Jadeite.

"They're leaving!" yelled Kunzite.

"But the waffles just got here!" exclaimed Jadeite.

"Let me out of the booth!" shouted Kunzite, trying to shove Jadeite away so he could get out.

"Not until I finish these waffles!"

Kunzite slugged Jadeite and ran after them.

"Can we have these in a doggie bag?" Jadeite asked Motoki's sister.


"So, are there any fun clubs around here?" asked Fisheye.

They had just left the mall with and had a huge pile of shopping bags.

"These are heavy, I'm leaving them," decided Zoisite, throwing the bags in the sewer.

"Same," said Fisheye.

A homeless man saw them doing it. "If you're throwing that stuff away anyway, can I have some shoes please?"

"No," said Zoisite and Fisheye at the same time. They threw the rest of the stuff in the sewer and then threw the homeless man in the sewer.

Then Zoisite led Fisheye to Rainbow Jim's Gay Bar.

"Oh boy this place has all the cute guys!" exclaimed Fisheye.

"I agree!" said Grandpa, waiting in line behind them.

"STAY AWAY FROM ME I GOT A RESTRAINING ORDER!" cried Zoisite.

"Who's this guy?" asked Fisheye.

"I'm Grandpa. Would you like to meet Grandpa Jr.?"

"Umm… sure?" said Fisheye, confused.

"NOO!" cried Zoisite. He tackled Fisheye out of the way just in time.

Grandpa was hauled off by the police.


Jadeite, Nephrite, and Kunzite stood in the back of the line.

"This is gonna take forever," yelled Kunzite.

"Move ya queers!" yelled Nephrite.

"Oh, I've been to this place before!" exclaimed Jadeite. "It was for one of my energy snatching schemes."

"Wait, so you went into a gay bar for an energy snatching scheme?" Nephrite asked.

"Yeah, I've done lots of gay things, but that doesn't make me gay!"

"Same," said Kunzite.

"Man, gay people are really the worst," stated Nephrite.

"Well, I wouldn't go that far…" said Kunzite.

"I wish I could kill them all," said Nephrite.

"Nephrite do you have something to tell us?" asked Jadeite.

"Nope, I just hate gays! Always have, always will."

"Why?" asked Kunzite.

"You're why!" yelled Nephrite. "GAYS SUCK!"

"HEY!" screamed Haruka and Michiru.

"Uh oh," said Nephrite. "Oh wait, you're gay, so you don't stand a chance against me!"

Nephrite threw a wild punch. So did Kunzite and Jadeite, for no reason other than that they were so frustrated from waiting in line that they just wanted to hit anything.

They were all beaten to a pulp and thrown in the sewer.

"Heya," said a homeless man.

"Woah free shoes!" exclaimed Jadeite. He reached for them but the homeless man slapped his hand away.


Zoisite and Fisheye had finally reached the bouncer at the front of the line.

"Hey, hey, hey," he said stopping them. "Are you ladies old enough to drink?"

"I'm 1017," said Zoisite.

"My age is not given," said Fisheye.

"I'm gonna need you to step out of line," said the bouncer.

"Oh come on!" insisted Fisheye. "We just wanna have some fun!"

"Step out of line!" the bouncer repeated.

"You can't say no to beautiful boys like us!" exclaimed Zoisite.

The bouncer threw them out of line. They stormed off.


Jadeite, Nephrite, Kunzite and the homeless man finally got out of the sewers.

"Cheerio," said the homeless man, parting ways.

They got back in line. 20 hours later, when they finally got to the front, Jadeite and Nephrite were let in with no problem.

But the bouncer stopped Kunzite.

"I'm sorry sir, but this is date night! You can't come in without a date!"

"How come they got in?" yelled Kunzite, in reference to Nephrite and Jadeite.

"They're clearly a gay couple," stated the bouncer.

"True," agreed Kunzite.

"But you, on the other hand, are forever alone."

"I have a boyfriend!" Kunzite shouted.

"I don't see him," remarked the bouncer.

Grandpa slid up next to Kunzite and grabbed his hand.

"Ah yes, you may proceed," the bouncer said, giggling internally.

"Grandpa, don't touch me!" cried Kunzite.

"Is that a way to treat your date?" asked the bouncer.

"GO AWAY!" yelled Kunzite running in. Grandpa latched on to his cape and didn't let go.


Zoisite and Fisheye stopped and sat down at a park bench.

"Looks like we're all alone," stated Fisheye.

"Yeah," said Zoisite. "So wanna play Mario Kart?"

"I was thinking we could do something more romantic…"

"More romantic than Mario Kart?" Zoisite asked with shock.

"Yes, I was thinking that we could get married! And have three kids!" exclaimed Fisheye. "We could both be the bride!"

"Oh, well this is awkward," said Zoisite. "I already have a boyfriend."

"WHAT?!" cried Fisheye. "THEN WHY DID YOU COME ON THIS DATE?!"

"Hey, I didn't even make a dating profile. That was this loser I know with no self-confidence."

"But… but… why did you come then?"

"I was looking for a friend who was as gay as me!" explained Zoisite.

"D'oh," said Fisheye. Fisheye left and went home sadly.

"Can we still be friends?" asked Zoisite.

"No," said Fisheye. "And you're too old for me anyway!"

"I'm only 1017!" cried Zoisite.

"Yeah but I prefer ten year olds," Fisheye said, and left.

"Another one got away," said Zoisite sadly.


Fisheye came in sad.

Hawk's Eye and Tiger's Eye peaked up from behind the sofa.

"How did it go?" Tiger's Eye asked obliviously.

"Leave me alone!" barked Fisheye.

"Was it another Mamoru Chiba?" Hawk's Eye asked.

"No, he just rejected me because he was already in a relationship," sighed Fisheye.

"So it's another Mamoru Chiba?" repeated Hawk's Eye.

"Never say his name again!" cried Fisheye, backhanding Hawk's Eye.

"MY FACE! WAAAA!" cried Hawk's Eye.

"D'aww, cheer up," said Tiger's Eye. "There's other fish *wink* in the sea!"

Fisheye couldn't help but smile at that one.

Hawk's Eye continued to cry because Fisheye broke his face.

"Wanna play Mario Kart?" asked Tiger's Eye.

"D'awww, ok!" agreed Fisheye, starting to cheer up already. "But only I can use items!"

"That's no-" began Hawk's Eye, but Tiger's Eye backhanded him.

"WAAAAAAAAA! MY FACE! MY BEAUTIFUL FACE!"


Nephrite, Jadeite, Kunzite, and Grandpa walked out of the gay bar.

"That didn't go so well," began Kunzite.

"We never did find Zoisite," added Jadeite.

"I learned a lot about myself in there," stated Nephrite, with a traumatized expression.

"Who wants to go another round?" asked Grandpa.

Kunzite turned to Grandpa. Grandpa leapt into the sewers.

On the way back to the North Pole, they ran into Zoisite.

"Hey, where were you guys?" asked Zoisite. "And why do you smell like sewrage? And gay people?"

"We've been looking for you all day!" yelled Kunzite.

"Why?" asked Zoisite.

"Because you went on a date with another man!"

"That wasn't a date," said Zoisite. "Well, at least I thought it wasn't."

"D'awww I should have known you'd never replace me!" said Kunzite with relief.

They started making out and Nephrite threw up.

"Gay people are the worst!" he yelled.

"Hey!" cried Haruka and Michiru.

"Let's skiddaddle!" cried Nephrite. Him and Jadeite fled.

"Hey Nephrite, wanna play Mario Kart at Nephrite's?" asked Jadeite.

"Meh, I guess," sighed Nephrite. "It's been a long day."

"Whoopee!" exclaimed Jadeite.

"I'm in!" added Gramps.

"No you ain't!" yelled Nephrite, teleporting away.

"Oh barnacles," said Grandpa. He went back into the sewers where he lived out the rest of his days in solitude.

FIN