"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Go away Jeddy," said Queen Beryl.

"D'oh, okay," said Jadeite.

Zoisite came in next.

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Zoisite. "I found a new rainbow crystal holder!"

"I'll humor you and hear you out," decided Beryl.

"Yay! So anyway,"

Nephrite teleported in in front of Zoisite.

"Queen Beryl, everything is ruled by the stars!"

"Hey!" yelled Zoisite. "I was talking, you know!"

"Rrrrr, back off!" yelled Nephrite.

"But I was here first!" exclaimed Zoisite.

"Well too bad, I called dibs on this Beryl session!"

"What is this, Australian rules?" demanded Zoisite.

"No, Canadian rules," answered Nephrite.

"Gosh darn it!" yelled Zoisite, slapping his knee.

"Now, back off!" repeated Nephrite.

Zoisite teleported away crying.

"Anyway Queen Beryl, I just wanted to tell you how much I love you," said Nephrite.

"Get back to work!" barked Beryl.


"I hate him so much!" cried Zoisite on Kunzite's shoulder.

"D'awww," said Kunzite.

"D'awww?" asked Zoisite. "Is that all you have to say?"

"What do you want me to do?" asked Kunzite.

"Gee, I don't know, kill him or something?"

"I would," sighed Kunzite. "But I have to go be Beryl's golf caddy."

"How about afterwards?"

"Sorry, we're going to be doing 81 holes. It's gonna take a while."

"Can't you just take a break in the middle, finish off Nephrite, and return?" Zoisite asked.

"No," Kunzite sighed again. "Beryl needs me to cheat for her every turn, since she's really bad at golf. And she needs to impress the baddies from all the other seasons."

"D'awww," said Zoisite. "Guess I'm not the only one who has it rough. I'll take him out on my own then, don't you worry!"

"I don't think that's a good idea," advised Kunzite.

"No, I mean I'll get someone else to take him out."

"Oh, good luck with that!" said Kunzite and left.

Zoisite cried for a few more hours and then made a phone call.


Nephrite walked out of the grocery store holding shopping bags.

"Can't wait to eat these muffins!" he said happily.

Suddenly, a wild Youma appeared. It charged Nephrite.

Nephrite dropped one of his bags, and delivered a quick punch.

The Youma died.

Nephrite picked up his bag and continued walking home.

Zoisite stood behind the Walmart sign watching it all go down.

"Grrrr!" he scowled. "I'll get em' next time!"


Nephrite walked into his favorite bar.

"The usual," he said.

The bartender turned around.

"Here's your drink! With a complimentary DEATH!"

The bartender Youma charged Nephrite but was easily defeated.

"YOU LOSE, TRAITOR!" yelled a Youma from a booth behind him.

Three Youmas charged Nephrite. He stuck out his fist and spun in a circle, defeating all three of them.

Zoisite ducked below the window outside.

"GRRRR!"


Nephrite put on his pajamas and made himself a cup of hot cocoa. Suddenly, he heard a knock on his door.

"At this hour? Who could it be?"

He opened the door. It was the mailman with a package.

"Ummm?" asked Nephrite. "It's Sunday, me boy. And also 11pm. And also, I didn't order anything."

"Oh, my bad," said the mailman. "Someone must have sent you a gift. You need to sign here, initial here, and DIE TRAITOR!"

The mailman Youma pulled a sword out of the box and charged.

Nephrite made a bigger sword, and countered. He kicked the Youma out the window.

Another Youma ran right in. Nephrite kicked that one out the window too.

Outside Nephrite's door, there was a line of about a hundred Youmas. They all ran in one by one, and immediately after got kicked out the window.

Zoisite stared at the pile of Youmas.

"RAHHHHGHGHGHGHGJA! FFFFFFFFFFFFF!"

"Zoisite, this isn't working," said a brutally bashed Youma.

"Then we'll just have to try a more elaborate scheme!" Zoisite declared.


The next day, Nephrite was having his daily visit to his shrink.

"I just feel like the stars don't appreciate me like they used to," Nephrite sighed.

"Ah," said his therapist. "Well, maybe if you rekindled your relationship with them, for example by listening to their problems for once, things might get better."

"Maybe," agreed Nephrite. "Say, how much time do I have left with you?"

"You still have 20 minutes."

"Great!" said Nephrite. "So what if I took the stars to a dinner date? Would that help?"

"You know what I think you should do?" said the shrink. "You should DIE!"

The shrink pulled off his mask revealing a Youma. It charged Nephrite.

Nephrite picked up a nearby magazine and smacked the Youma on the head with such force that it was pulverized.

"All part of the scheme!" snickered Zoisite.

"Next three Youmas, go!"

Nephrite got jumped by three more Youmas. He kicked the first one, punched the second, and kick-punched the third. They died.

The next five Youmas swooped in from the ceiling in a V-shape.

Nephrite pulled out a rifle and shot them all down.

"I know you're around here, Zoisite!" barked Nephrite. "Give it up!"

"NEVER!" yelled Zoisite.

Nephrite turned around and aimed his rifle at Zoisite.

Zoisite yelped and teleported away.


Back in his castle he cried some more.

He called Kunzite's cellphone.

"Kunzite, I don't know what to do! He's beating up all my Youmas!"

"Sadly, I'm still busy," said Kunzite with frown.

"KUNZITE GET OFF THE PHONE!" barked Beryl.

"I'm sorry, you'll have to figure something out," apologized Kunzite, hanging up.

"Kunzite, pass me a club!" barked Beryl.

Kunzite passed her a spikey bat.

"A golf club, bozo!"

"Sorry, I was distracted," said Kunzite. He passed her a golf club.

She hit the ball backwards.

Kunzite teleported and caught the ball. He teleported to the hole and dropped the ball in.

"AWW YEAH HOLE-IN-ONE!" gloated Beryl.

Wiseman and Tomoe applauded.


"Waaaaaaaaaaaaa what am I gonna do?" sobbed Zoisite.

In a moment of desperation, he pulled out a phonebook. He turned to the one person he knew that he could count on.


Nephrite heard another knock on his door.

He sighed, and summoned another sword.

He opened the door, ready to strike.

"Hello, I'm a lost old man. May I take refuge in your humble abode?"

"Grandpa, what are you doing?" asked Nephrite.

"Can't I just visit my old friend sometimes?" Grandpa asked.

"We're not friends," said Nephrite.

"How dare you!" cried Gramps. He barged in and opened Nephrite's fridge.

"You don't have anything good in here," said Grandpa.

"Hey, get out of there!" yelled Nephrite.

"Can I have a cup of tea?"

"NO!"

"Please?" asked Grandpa.

"D'aww, okay, but drink it quickly and be on your way!" scolded Nephrite.

Grandpa sat and sipped his tea. "Say, Nephrite, how are things between you and that Molly girl?"

"Pretty well, actually! There's this one Melvin guy, but I don't think he's much competition. So yeah, I think me and Molly are gonna go steady soon, as long as-"

"DIE TRAITOR!" yelled Grandpa. He threw his tea in Nephrite's face.

"YARRRRG!" yelled Nephrite.

Grandpa leaped over the table and started slugging Nephrite.

Nephrite was temporarily stunned but he snapped out of it quickly.

He picked up Grandpa and threw him across the room.

Grandpa climbed to his feet.

"Grandpa, behind you!" cried Nephrite.

"Huh?" said Grandpa.

He turned around and Nephrite was behind him. He slugged Grandpa, causing him to fly into the other wall.

"Grandpa, what's the meaning of this?!" barked Nephrite.

"Zoisite paid me one KFC coupon to kill you!" cried Grandpa, cowering against the wall. He pulled out the coupon to show Nephrite.

"Hey, this thing is expired!" howled Grandpa. "Life is not worth living!"

Grandpa died.

"GAH!" yelled Zoisite. "I hoped it wouldn't come to this, but it appears I only have one option left."


Jadeite answered the phone.

"Jadeite," said Zoisite. "We're killing Nephrite."

"Ok," said Jadeite. "Sounds cool."

"Meet me at the Starlight Tower so we can discuss our plan!"

"Can't we just discuss it over the phone right now?" Jadeite asked.

"No," whispered Zoisite. "The NSA is listening!"

"Shit!" cried Jadeite. "I'll be there!"

"Darnit!" yelled the NSA agent on the line.


Jadeite and Zoisite teleported to the Starlight Tower.

"So," said Jadeite. "How are we gonna take down ol' Nephy?"

"I don't know," said Zoisite. "He's a superb soldier. One of the greatest of the Negaforce."

"Negaverse," corrected Jadeite.

"Negaslug!" yelled Zoisite, punching Jadeite.

"Youch!" said Jadeite.

"Anyway, my point being, we can't make any rash moves. We have to attack with a well thought out plan," Zoisite explained.

"Aww, but I wanted to jump him now!"

"That's too reckless! Let's jump him 10 minutes from now, since that way we'll have a plan," insisted Zoisite.


10 minutes passed.

Nephrite was sitting on his couch watching an hour special on the Discovery channel about stars.

"This is a bad program," said Nephrite. "They're going too much into what stars are made of, and not enough about how everything is ruled by them."

Suddenly, he heard a knock on his door.

He sighed once again, and picked out a sword.

He opened the door, but no one was there.

"Huh?"

He took a couple steps outside.

"Hello? Who's there?" he demanded.

He looked around for the source of the knock.

"I guess it was just the wind," he said, turning around to walk back inside.

Just then, Jadeite and Zoisite leaped out from the bushes.

"It's over for you!" yelled Zoisite.

Jadeite shot lightning at Nephrite. Nephrite blocked it with one arm.

"Uh oh," said Jadeite. "That was my best move."

"Idiot!" cried Zoisite. "You're supposed to save your best move until the end of the fight!"

"This is the end of the fight!" yelled Nephrite charging.

Zoisite and Jadeite made a sharp turn around and started sprinting for the hills.

"What was the plan here?" asked Jadeite.

"I don't know," said Zoisite. "I never saw you fight, so I guess I assumed you were better."

"Why would you assume that?" asked Jadeite. "I never saw you fight either, so I assumed you were the good one!"

"HA!" laughed Zoisite. "Why would I ask you for help then?"

Nephrite teleported in front of them.

They leapt back in shock, and fell over.

Nephrite charged up an energy blast. "Any last words?"

"Yes," said Jadeite. "Marco!"

"Huh?" asked Nephrite.

"POLO!" cried Jadeite. He latched onto Zoisite, and Zoisite teleported away.

"Phew!" they exhaled.

Zoisite had teleported them into a closet in his castle. "He'll never find us here!"

"That was a close one," said Jadeite in relief.

"Sure was," added Nephrite.

"Yeah, I'm really glad that- Wait a second!" cried Zoisite.

They opened the door, and as the light shined in, they saw the menacing figure of Nephrite.

They leapt out of the closet and started running in place, getting ready for a quick escape.

Nephrite extended his arms and grabbed them both by the necks.

He smashed their head together.

Jadeite threw a weak punch but it felt like a gust of wind.

"If you kill me, Kunzite will know you did it!" threatened Zoisite. "He will end you!"

"He doesn't even know where I live!" taunted Nephrite.

"Then I'll call him and tell him!"

Zoisite pulled out his phone, but he was all out of minutes.

"D'oh!"

"This is where our stories end!" stated Jadeite.


"Queen Beryl, can I take a quick break to kill Nephrite?" Kunzite begged.

"Do that on your own time!" barked Beryl.

She pulled out her club to swing, but Kunzite was too distracted checking his texts to see if Nephrite was dead yet.

She hit the ball wildly, snapping Kunzite into focus.

"Shit!" cried Kunzite. He teleported, but he just missed the ball. He teleported again but he missed the ball again. He kept teleporting but he couldn't keep up with Beryl's wild and horrible swing, and so he lost sight of the ball.

"NOOOOOO!" cried Kunzite.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried Beryl.

Wiseman and Tomoe laughed.

Beryl slugged Kunzite with the golf club.

"D'awww I hope Zoisite is having more fun than I am right now," Kunzite said sadly.


"Please spare me!" begged Zoisite, all out of options.

"HAR HAR HAR," laughed Nephrite with a hardy chuckle. Then he giggled like a hyena. "Maybe I'll spare Jadeite."

"I don't want your pity, gaywad!" yelled Jadeite.

"Damn," said Nephrite. "Okay, I'll kill you too, if you really want me to. When did things get so hostile between me and you, anyway?"

"I don't know," sighed Jadeite. "But it's too late to turn back now."

"Yup, cuz I'm gonna kill you both in 3… 2… 1…."

Just then Beryl's lost wild golf ball bonked Nephrite on the head. He fell to the floor, losing his grip on Zoisite and Jadeite.

Jadeite skidded away like a cat, and Zoisite teleported like a Wildman.

"GAH!" cried Nephrite. "I almost had 'em! Stupid golf ball!"

He tossed the ball angrily out the window.


"Welp Kunzite since I'm gonna lose this match and all the money I bet on it, I guess I have to kill you," decided Beryl.

"Welp it was a pleasure working for you," said Kunzite sadly. "Although I regret not killing Nephrite."

Suddenly, the ball that Nephrite had tossed landed directly in the hole.

"ANOTHER HOLE-IN-ONE!" gasped Beryl in shock.

Wiseman and Tomoe gasped, and then threw down their clubs in a blatant display of poor sportsmanship.

"YEET I WIN!" yelled Beryl, dancing around.

"So will you not kill me?" asked Kunzite hopefully.

"Nah."

"Yay I live to see another day!"

FIN