"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"
"Actually, Jadeite, I have a job for you."
"Huh?" asked Jadeite in shock. "But I thought this was my job!"
"No, silly, no one ever told you to get energy."
"But- but- but," Jadeite sputtered. He was about to explode when Beryl continued.
"I want you to shadow Kunzite for the day."
"?" responded Jadeite emotively.
"He is the most powerful Shitennou, (although that's not saying much), so I think you can learn a thing or two from watching him."
"Oh boy!" said Jadeite. "I love learning!"
"NERD!" shouted Beryl, throwing a football at Jadeite.
He caught it and scored a touchdown.
"I underestimated you, Jadeite," admitted Beryl. "You're the coolest kid in school."
"Gee, really?" asked Jadeite.
Beryl threw a soccer ball at Jadeite. Jadeite was taken down.
"Lololol jk," said Beryl.
Jadeite crawled away as Beryl threw a large variety of sports balls at him.
Nephrite sat in his house drinking his alcohol.
"It's five o'clock somewhere," he told himself desperately.
"Hahahaha drinking at 4AM on a Wednesday? Get a life!" mocked Zoisite, appearing.
"RRRRR back off!" barked Nephrite.
"What, are you going to poison the Sailor Scouts with alcohol? Is that your brilliant scheme?"
"RRRRRRRRRRRRRR back off!" barked Nephrite again.
"I will ruin you Nephrite!" yelled Zoisite in an empty threat.
"RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!" growled Nephrite, shaking his head frantically.
"Huh?" asked Zoisite, taking a step back. "Are you okay? Do you need a ride home?"
"I'm at my home, RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!" screamed Nephrite. He lunged at Zoisite. Zoisite quickly fled.
He teleported home.
"Kunzite that was scary!" he cried.
There was a knock on the door.
"Who is it?" called Kunzite.
"It's me, Jed!"
Kunzite pulled the lever for the trap door.
"Did you get him?" Zoisite asked.
"Let me check."
Kunzite opened the door. Jadeite was hanging onto the edge of the trap.
"Uhh, Kunzite?" asked Jadeite. "I think your doormat malfunctioned!"
"No it didn't," said Kunzite. He tried to kick Jadeite into the hole.
"Hey there! Stop doing that, I might fall!" exclaimed Jadeite.
"Oh no," said Kunzite, continuing to kick him.
Zoisite pulled the lever back to close the trap door. It squashed Jadeite's hands and he fell in the hole.
"That's the end of that," said Zoisite.
"Hey!" they heard Jadeite scream in a muffled voice. "There's sharks down here! They don't like me very much! I think you should feed them so they're not hungry for my flesh!"
Kunzite and Zoisite went inside.
There was another knock on the door.
They opened it and Jadeite was standing there with a tray of cookies.
"How did you get out of there?" howled Zoisite.
"I teleported," replied Jadeite.
"Gosh darn it," said Kunzite. "So what do you want?"
"To give you these cookies! And also Beryl said I must shadow you for the day."
"Curse you Beryl!" yelled Zoisite.
Beryl's image appeared. "One more outburst like that and I'll have your head, Zoisite!" howled Beryl.
"D'oh," said Zoisite.
"Why does Beryl want you to shadow me?" asked Kunzite.
"She said you are the most powerful so you have a lot to teach me."
"That's very true," said Kunzite. "Follow me and I will show you my ways."
"Can I tag along?" asked Zoisite.
"No," said Jadeite.
They both left.
"WTF!?" cried Zoisite. He went to Beryl.
"Queen Beryl, Kunzite and Jadeite left me alone! "
"How is this my problem?" demanded Queen Beryl.
"Well I'm probably as bad as Jadeite, don't you think I need to shadow Kunzite too?"
"No, you hang out with him too much. You need to find a new crowd. How about Nephrite? Isn't he a friend of yours?"
"Not exactly."
"Well too bad! Go hang out with him! That's an order!"
"But Queen Beryl! I went to visit him not so long ago, and he was acting strange. Almost… doglike."
"What do you mean?" asked Beryl.
"He kept barking at me and then he growled and shook his head frantically."
"That's ridiculous," said Beryl. "You're just imagining things."
"I hope so," said Zoisite.
When Zoisite appeared in Nephrite's house, Nephrite wasn't inside.
Zoisite went outside and made a lap around the perimeter to look for him.
When he spotted him, he was going to the bathroom on a fire hydrant.
"Oh heavens!" cried Zoisite. "Do that inside!"
"RRRRRRRRRRRRR BACKAHHHHHH!" he howled.
"WA!" cried Zoisite.
He started to run away but Nephrite jumped down on all fours and started chasing him.
Zoisite turned around and saw Nephrite foaming at the mouth. He was now barking like a dog.
"BRHRHRHRHRHRHRHGGGgRRAHHHHGHGH!" howled Nephrite at the moon.
While he was howling at the moon, Zoisite ran over to a tree and pulled a stick off.
"This may be my only chance!" Zoisite cried.
"Go get it, boy!" he called. He threw the stick.
Nephrite ran after it.
"Phew," thought Zoisite, and teleported inside.
But Nephrite teleported after him.
"WA!"
"RRRRRRR RRR RGRRR BARK BARK YIP YIP!" hollered Nephrite.
Zoisite screamed like a girl and tried to hide.
He jumped in the fridge and chain-locked the door.
"So Jadeite," began Kunzite. "This is the Crown Arcade. This is where I come to play Donkey Kong!"
"I see," said Jadeite, writing frantically on a notepad.
Kunzite sat down. He pulled out a sack of rolls of quarters and put one in the machine. He played Donkey Kong for five hours.
"Kunzite," Jadeite asked cautiously.
"GAH! YOU RUINED MY GAME! YOU BASTARD!" howled Kunzite.
He put a coin in to continue.
"Kunzite, how is this going to teach me to be stronger?"
"It's all in the technique," explained Kunzite. "After you observe me for eight more hours, I might let you have a turn. If you're ready."
"Oh boy oh boy, I can't wait!"
After another two hours, Jadeite started to zone out. Finally, he fell off his chair and into Motoki.
"Howdy!" said Motoki.
"Watch where you're going, fatass!" yelled Jadeite.
"Well that's not very polite," stated Motoki.
"I'm sorry," said Jadeite. "I'm just getting frustrated from watching my friend here play the same three stages over and over again."
"It's okay! I'm forgiving!" chuckled Motoki kindly.
Jadeite threw a wild punch at Motoki.
Motoki flew into the coin machine, and all the coins fell out.
"Oh boy more turns!" exclaimed Kunzite.
Jadeite was mad. He ran up and started kicking Motoki.
"Watch it there, buddy!" said Motoki. "If you keep that up, I might die!"
Jadeite kicked him until he was no more.
"How dare he look somewhat like me!" barked Jadeite.
"I don't see the resemblance," commented Kunzite, who wasn't paying attention.
"WHEN CAN I GET A TURN!?" howled Jadeite.
"After I beat the game," said Kunzite.
"YOU CAN'T BEAT IT! IT JUST KEEPS GOING!"
"Or maybe everyone else thinks that way, and that's why they've never gotten to the end!"
Kunzite put another coin in.
Meanwhile in Africa…
"Hello, I am Evil Mamoru Chiba. I am here to take your rainbow crystal… again!"
"D'oh," said Reika.
"Also, to add insult to injury, your boyfriend is dead!"
"Which one?" asked Reika.
"Motoki."
"Oh boy!" exclaimed Reika. "I can finally go back to Japan!"
"Yeah, in my Black Crystal! HAHAHAHHA!" laughed Evil Mamoru.
"D'ah!" said Reika.
Zoisite gasped in horror as Nephrite slammed his body into the fridge. He head-butted it again, and Zoisite started whimpering.
"This looks like the end of the line," said Zoisite sadly.
"RRRARRRRARARARARARAR!" yelled Nephrite through the door. He started gnawing at the handle of the fridge.
"I can't stay in here anymore!" decided Zoisite. He teleported outside the fridge, hoping Nephrite wouldn't spot him.
Nephrite spotted him instantly. Still on all fours, Nephrite charged him and took a chomp on his leg.
"OUCH!" cried Zoisite. Zoisite kicked Nephrite and he went flying into the wall. "BAD DOG!" he yelled, and Nephrite skittered away.
"He's gone for now, but he'll be back," Zoisite realized grimly. "I have to restrain him."
Zoisite teleported to the local Food Lion and bought a can of dog food.
He went through the check out.
"That will be 98 cents," said the cashier.
"Oh, I only have 97," said Zoisite, counting his change. "Can't you pay the extra penny for me?"
"No," said the cashier. "That's not allowed."
"Please!" begged Zoisite. "I will die without this dog food!"
"We hear that one every day."
"I doubt it!"
Zoisite slugged the cashier and made a run for it.
There happened to be an officer outside, and he chased him down.
Zoisite was arrested and sent to prison.
Jadeite was sound asleep. It was 3AM.
"OMG WAKE UP!" cried Kunzite.
Jadeite awoke with a start.
"I BEAT DONKEY KONG!"
"Huh?"
Jadeite walked over to look at the screen.
"You are a winner!" said Mario, holding up a trophy.
"Dang," said Jadeite. "That's impressive."
"I know, wasn't it worth it?"
"Well…" began Jadeite.
"Now I will go to the skate park."
"Ok," said Jadeite tagging along.
"Yo homies!" yelled Kunzite at a bunch of skater kids. "What's diggin?"
"Go away, old man!" yelled the kids.
"Hey, I'm only 25-26!" he exclaimed.
"Why is your hair white then?" asked a kid.
Kunzite picked him up and snapped him in half. "Any of you other dweazles wanna mess with my sick jams?"
The kids all scrammed.
"Now the park is ours, Jadeite." Kunzite pulled out a skateboard. "This is what I call the Negashuffle!"
He went down the ramp and flew up in the air. He spun around in a circle and landed.
"That looked a regular 360," said Jadeite.
"Let's see you do better!"
"Uh oh," said Jadeite. He had never skateboarded before. He put on his roller skates instead and shuffled to the top of the ramp.
"Here goes nothing!" said Jadeite squeezing his eyes shut. He fell face first on his face.
"D'oh!"
Kunzite shot off a nearby ramp and used Jadeite as a hurdle. Then he skated along the rail and did a triple flip in the air.
"DWEAZLE!" he yelled.
"Good thing I managed to escape from prison. Too bad I only remembered I could teleport after crawling through the vents for three hours."
Zoisite put down the dog food. "Here boy!" he called. He made a clicking sound. "Come get some chow!"
Nephrite peaked out from behind the sofa he was eating. He slowly approached the grub and sniffed it.
He went in for a lick.
Zoisite ran up and tossed a collar around him like a lasso. "Good thing I took those cow wrangling lessons at the YMCA!" said Zoisite. He tied Nephrite to a stake outside.
He went back in to watch TV in Nephrite's house. "You can say a lot about the guy, but he has good stations. Kunzite said it's pointless to have both Hulu and Netflix, but Nephrite gets it!"
"Now we are going to bungee jump off this bridge!" said Kunzite, tying a bungee to himself and getting ready to jump.
"Are you sure this will help me be a better Shitennou?" Jadeite asked.
"Did you put your bungee on yet?"
"I think so, can you check and make sure it's on right?"
"Nah you'll be fine," said Kunzite dismissively. "Now let's go!"
He pushed Jadeite off the bridge and then jumped.
"WEEEEEEEEEE I FEEL ALIVE!" yelled Kunzite.
"This is kind of fun," thought Jadeite.
When he reached the bottom of his rope, he expected to bounce back up. But instead the rope snapped and he fell into the lake.
"YOUCH!" he cried as he did a brutal belly flop.
"Oops I guess he didn't have it on right," laughed Kunzite as he bounced up and down.
After knocking out a whole season of Sailor Moon Crystal, Zoisite decided it was time to go check on Nephrite.
"Since he's chained up, there's no real danger in me going out there," he reasoned.
He walked out to the stake, and looked at the chain. There was no Nephrite on it.
"Oh no. Oh no. no no No No NO NO NONONO!"
Just then, Nephrite jumped out of the bush and started gnawing on him.
"WAAAAAAAAAA!" cried Zoisite.
"RRRRRRRRRRRRR BACK OFF!" yelled Nephrite. He started digging in the dirt and trying to bury Zoisite alive.
"GET OFF ME! I'M NOT A BONE!" cried Zoisite.
"RRRRRRRRRRR BACk OFF!" howled Nephrite, ignoring him.
He threw Zoisite in the hole and covered it up with dirt, using his feet. He pranced away, wagging his tail.
Zoisite was suffocating. "Is this how it ends?"
But luckily another dog came by and unburied Zoisite.
Zoisite looked at the dog. It didn't collar.
"D'awww, you must be a stray! I will adopt you!" decided Zoisite. "I shall call you Nega-Fifi."
But then Nephrite came charging back.
"ANOTHER DOG!" howled Nephrite. "RRR RR RRR R BACK OFF!"
He took the small dog in his mouth and galloped away.
Zoisite started crying. "I WILL RUIN YOU NEPHRITE!"
Nephrite turned around and looked over his shoulder.
Zoisite put his hands up in surrender and Nephrite decided to let him live.
"Now I am going for my weekly visit to my psychiatrist," Kunzite told Jadeite.
Jadeite was still wounded from the skate park and bungee incidents. "Ok," he coughed.
"Hello Grandpa," said Kunzite to his psychiatrist.
"Hello son," said Grandpa. "How are we this week?"
"Your psychiatrist is Grandpa!?" Jadeite gasped.
"Yes, but he's not that Rei girl's Grandpa that we always have problems with. This is a different Grandpa, see his wig? Wait a minute, his wig?!"
Grandpa ripped off his wig and charged Kunzite. Kunzite was not expecting an attack so he was easily defeated.
As he passed out, he choked out to Jadeite, "Remember your training! You can beat him!"
Jadeite remembered his training. He thought of the Donkey Kong, the skate park, the bungee jump… And as he remembered all of what he learned, he realized there was only one thing to do.
He pulled out a dog whistle and blew it.
"Nice try," said Grandpa. "But that won't work on me! Not anymore!"
"It's not meant for you!" scoffed Jadeite.
Nephrite came bounding in on all fours and charged Grandpa.
"Sick em', boy!" yelled Jadeite.
Nephrite disposed of Grandpa and brought his brutally bashed corpse to Jadeite as a gift.
"Good boy!" exclaimed Jadeite, scratching Nephrite behind his ears. "Have a Nephy snack!"
FIN
