"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"
"Back off!" yelled Beryl.
"No, listen, I put a lot of research into this one!"
"Back off!" repeated Beryl. "I'm trying to get my beauty sleep!"
"But you're in a chair, my queen!"
"BACK OFF!"
Jadeite fled for his life.
Nephrite and Zoisite decided to take Jadeite to the park to help him feel better.
"I think we're going soft," said Zoisite.
"Nah, we're doing the right thing," replied Nephrite.
Jadeite was playing in the sandbox.
"WEEE!" he yelled.
"Should we give him a shovel?" asked Zoisite.
"Nah he seems to have it under control," said Nephrite. He sat down on a swing but didn't swing.
Jadeite brushed aside some loose sand, revealing Grandpa's head.
"I FEEL EVIL!" yelled Grandpa.
"Huh?" exclaimed Jadeite.
Suddenly Grandpa's arm reached out through the sand and grabbed Jadeite by the throat. He leaped out from his hiding spot in the sand, with Jadeite held above his head. He threw Jadeite to the ground and then did a devastating pile driver.
"I FEEL EVIL!" yelled Grandpa.
"Grandpa!" yelled Nephrite.
Grandpa looked Nephrite in the eyes and threw Jadeite into a tree.
"Don't bully my… errr… coworker!" yelled Nephrite, charging.
Grandpa side-stepped, but Nephrite was flying with so fast and with such fury that he couldn't stop. He crashed into a baby swing on the opposite side of the park, and was catapulted straight back at Grandpa.
Grandpa extended his fist and Nephrite collided with it. He then began pummeling Nephrite until he was just a brutally bashed corpse.
Then, Grandpa started pounding his chest and howling like a gorilla. "I AM THE ALPHA MALE!"
Zoisite made a break for it.
But Grandpa was faster.
He teleported in front of Zoisite, and Zoisite fell on his butt.
"Please don't hurt me!" cried Zoisite.
"I won't hurt you!" said Grandpa. "Just like you wouldn't take my rainbow crystal!"
"But-" began Zoisite.
Grandpa headbutted Zoisite, and he fell over in pain. Granpda kicked him like a soccer ball into a nearby goal, winning the game for a team of youths.
Grandpa did a victory taunt and then ran away.
Zoisite stumbled into his house in a body cast.
"Zoisite!" cried Kunzite, rushing over to him. "Did you run into the Moon Wand again?"
"No… it was…"
"WHO?!" cried Kunzite. "I must avenge your beatdown!"
"Grand…pa…." he got out before passing out.
"Grandpa!" screamed Kunzite, clenching his fist.
The next day…
Kunzite arrived at the playground.
He waited by the sandbox. Behind him were all the wounded Shitennou. Nephrite was in a wheelchair. Jadeite was on crutches. And Zoisite remained in a body cast.
"I know you're in there, Granpda," stated Kunzite, glaring into the sandbox.
"He's over there!" cried Jadeite. "Go get em', Kunzite!"
Kunzite turned to see Grandpa in the kiddie swing.
"Hello kind young man," said Grandpa. "Mind helping me out of this thing?"
"Don't play innocent with me, you old geyser!" warned Kunzite.
"OOoooOOOOHHH!" mocked Grandpa. "Oooooh, scary!"
"I'm warning you! I know you beat up my Shitennou!" Kunzite shouted.
"I did no such thing," said Grandpa.
"Lying old coot!" shouted Kunzite.
Grandpa would take this disrespect no longer. He bounded out of the kiddie swing and charged Kunzite.
Grandpa threw rapid jabs at the speed of light. Kunzite attempted to block them, but Grandpa teleported behind Kunzite.
"Behind you!" yelled the Shitennou.
Kunzite turned around, and all he saw was Grandpa charging up a punch. Next thing he knew, he was lying half unconscious against the swing-set.
"Ugh," he moaned in pain.
He stumbled up. "It's not over yet. This one's for Zoisite!" He charged up an energy blast and fired at Grandpa with all he had.
Grandpa absorbed it in his dark energy bubble and fired it back at ten times strength.
Kunzite was finished.
Then, Grandpa turned to the other Shitennou.
Nephrite tried to wheel away, and Jadeite hopped as fast as he could on his crutches.
Zoisite was a sitting duck.
"no no no No No NO NO NO!" yelled Zoisite.
Grandpa flew up and drop-kicked Zoisite's body cast.
He ran over and picked up Nephrite's wheel chair over his head, and smashed it into the ground.
"Help!" cried Nephrite. "This old man is bullying a handicap!"
Grandpa kicked him in the throat, silencing him.
Jadeite almost made it to the exit of the park.
But Grandpa flew over to him with lightning speed.
He took his crutches and threw them in a lake.
Jadeite fell over.
Grandpa did another pile driver and finished him off, just like last time.
"UHHHHHHFHHH!" yelled Jadeite.
Grandpa brushed the dirt off his shoulders and left. As he walked away, he yelled, "I FEEL EVIL!"
"QUEEN BERYL!" sobbed all the Shitennou.
"Oh my, what happened to you guys?" asked Beryl. "Zoisite, did you run into the Moon Wand again?"
"No Queen Beryl, it was worse! It was Rei's Grandpa!" exclaimed Zoisite.
"Grrrrrr," sneered Beryl. "I'll teach that walking tombstone what happens when he messes with the Negaverse!"
Beryl walked up the steps of the temple alone. The wounded Shitennou decided not to come this time, for they did not want another beatdown.
Queen Beryl knocked on the door.
"Hello?" answered Rei, opening the door. "Oh. Queen Beryl. What brings you to the Hikawa Shrine today?"
"I need to have a word with your Grandpa."
"Oh boy, GRANDPA!" shouted Rei. "What did you do now?!"
Grandpa came up to the door. He took his fighting stance.
"Grandpa, cut it out!" yelled Rei.
Grandpa reverted back to a standing position. "Ok, ok. What's the matter?" Grandpa asked.
"Don't play dumb!" yelled Beryl. "You attacked my dogs! I mean boys!"
"Yeah, I'm sorry," said Grandpa. "I just couldn't help myself."
"Grandpa," sighed Rei. "That's unacceptable. You should be ashamed."
"D'oh," said Grandpa. "Hey, listen. I feel really bad about what I did. Why don't you bring them over here so I can make it up to them?"
"I don't think they want to see you," Beryl told him. "They're pretty upset about what you did."
"I understand," said Grandpa. "But at the very least, I can show how sorry I am to you over a cup of tea. What do you say?"
"Alright," agreed Beryl reluctantly. "I guess, if you're genuinely sorry."
Grandpa escorted Beryl inside and they went into the kitchen.
"Ok," said Rei. "I'm proud of you for admitting you were wrong, Grandpa. Be good!" she said, leaving the room.
As soon as she closed the door, Grandpa turned to Beryl.
Beryl looked at the counter. "I guess I'll have two teaspoons of sugar, and one tablespoon of-"
Grandpa leapt over the table and kneed Beryl in the face. Beryl flew back and hit the wall.
"URRRRGHH!" cried Beryl. "I knew I couldn't teach an old dog new tricks!"
Beryl fired an eternal sleep attack, but Grandpa dodged and sucker-punched her. He then delivered several consecutive powerful blows, defeating Queen Beryl with minimal effort.
Beryl was barely able to teleport within an inch of her life.
"So how'd it go? Did you show him who's boss?" asked Jadeite.
Queen Beryl killed Jadeite in fury.
"What was that for?" asked Nephrite. "It's not his fault you lost."
Beryl killed Nephrite.
"Do you have any snarky retorts? Huh Zoisite?" barked Beryl.
"No ma'am!" cried Zoisite.
Beryl killed Zoisite.
"I will avenge-" began Kunzite.
Beryl killed Kunzite.
"That's it," decided Beryl. She went to Metalia's room.
"I need an army," she said.
"Ok," said Metalia. "Bring your Shitennou in, since they were the ones who commanded our old Moon Kingdom raid force."
"Uh oh," said Beryl.
Queen Metalia sighed. She revived the Shitennou.
"I will avenge Zoisite!" yelled Kunzite, not realizing he had already been killed and brought back.
He charged Beryl, and she had to kill him.
"BERYL!" yelled Metalia.
"He attacked me!" yelled Beryl defensively. "I had no other options!"
"You could have simply slapped him away, but you killed him. One more outburst like that and you're fin," warned Metalia.
"D'oh, okay," said Beryl.
Zoisite regained consciousness in that moment and spotted Kunzite's brutally bashed corpse. "WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM!? YOU MONSTER!"
He charged Beryl. Beryl tried to take Metalia's advice and slap him away, but it killed him instead.
"Ok that time was an accident!" promised Beryl.
Metalia let out another sigh, and revived Kunzite and Zoisite again.
"So here's the plan," said Beryl. "Remember that time we brainwashed all the people of Earth to attack the Moon Kingdom?"
Grandpa felt a strong change in atmospheric pressure. He looked out the window.
Before him was the entire Negaverse army, all the brainwashed fighters of Earth, the seven shadow warriors, and the silhouette of Metalia looming in the distance.
"Oh boy!" exclaimed Grandpa. "Finally some drama!"
They marched up the steps to the temple.
"Rei! Chad!" yelled Grandpa. "Take these!" He tossed a machine gun to each of them.
"I WAS BORN FOR THIS!" howled Grandpa.
He swung open the doors and dashed outside. He open-fired into the army of humans, taking them down by the dozens.
"This is wrong!" cried Rei. "They're just hypnotized! They're still regular humans!"
"Shoot them or you're grounded!" called Grandpa.
"Yes sir!" said Rei.
"I have no free will!" yelled Chad, open-firing as well.
Grandpa tossed Rei's crows some machine guns and they put them in their mouths and fired.
"Our armies are falling!" cried Beryl. "You guys are horrible generals!"
"It's not our fault!" yelled Jadeite. "They're just regular humans, they don't have powers!"
"Then why didn't you give them machine guns instead of swords and shields!?" howled Beryl.
"Well, due to budget cuts-"
"ENOUGH!" screamed Beryl. "Why didn't you guys at least get some good weapons?!"
Kunzite dropped his sword and shield in shock. "I wasn't ready to embrace change," he admitted.
Grandpa continued to fire, but he suddenly realized he was out of bullets. Everyone else was too.
"Chad, bring in a new box of ammo!"
"Uh oh," said Chad.
"Chad," began Grandpa. "What did you do with the ammo?"
"D'aww, I'm sorry Grandpa. I sold it all on EBay so I could have more money to invest in the band!"
Grandpa slugged Chad.
Then, he leapt into the army and started fighting them with his fists. He finished them all off.
All that was left of the army was the four Shitennou. They charged.
Grandpa whipped out the Moon Wand.
"Uh oh," said Zoisite.
Grandpa slapped Zoisite with the Moon Wand. He flew into a pillar and fell over.
"Now, for the rest of you!" yelled Grandpa. He released the energy of the Silver Crystal, and eliminated the Shitennou, Beryl, and Metalia all in one foul swoop.
Then he fell to the ground. "I… I don't think I'll make it," he told Rei.
"Did you use up all your energy when you released the Silver Crystal's power?" cried Rei.
"No, it's just my time. I've gotten too old. Goodbye."
Grandpa died.
He awoke in Hell.
He looked up to see Beryl, Metalia, and the Shitennou standing over him.
Grandpa charged and killed them all, thus sending them to Super Hell.
Satan saw Grandpa and knew what was coming. He tried to dodge, but Grandpa charged him as well.
"NOOOOOOO!" cried Satan as he was obliterated.
Super Satan knew what was coming, so he packed his bags and headed for Detroit.
FIN
