"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"
"Jadeite," Queen Beryl said slowly.
"Uh oh," said Jadeite.
"Jadeite, it's over for you, finally and forever. Say goodnight, because you're about to sleep eternally!"
"Queen Beryl!" whimpered Jadeite.
"Let me finish. You're about to sleep eternally… in this brand new bed I bought you!"
"OMG THX!" exclaimed Jadeite.
"Wait, you didn't let me finish. I bought you a new bed… so you could SLEEP FOREVER in it!"
"Gee thanks! I will cherish it forever as I spend many joyful nights in it!"
"No, I mean I will kill you and bury you in it. For the bed doubles as a coffin."
Jadeite made a mad dash for the door.
Queen Beryl took out a rifle and sniped him from behind.
His dead corpse slid across the floor as Nephrite entered the room.
"Aww nice, you finally got rid of that Jadeite guy," commended Nephrite.
"Nephrite why are you here?" asked Beryl.
"I wanted to tell you I'm calling in sick today," Nephrite explained.
"Huh? You don't look sick!"
"Why yes, however I am taking a sick day anyway."
"WHY?!" demanded Beryl.
"I have a date with my girlfriend, Molly!"
"Molly… that sounds like a human name," said Beryl.
"That's because she is a human, my queen," replied Nephrite.
"I forbid you to see her!" yelled Beryl.
"Well you'll have to catch me first!" screamed Nephrite, teleporting away.
Beryl went to stand up but couldn't do it. "I'll let it slide this time," she decided.
When Nephrite got home, he picked out a fancy outfit to wear. He looked at the clock.
"Oh boy, I still have a few hours before the date. I bet I can fit in a nap! I need one since I stayed up all night watching Dancing with the Stars."
He lied down in his full suit and dress shoes and went to bed.
He woke up to the sound of someone rustling in his fridge.
"Zoisite, what are you doing?" groaned Nephrite.
"Looking for some grub, what else?"
"Get out of my house," sighed Nephrite.
"Alright, alright," said Zoisite. He picked up the fridge and left.
"Ugh, what time is it?" asked Nephrite. He looked at the clock and his eyes flew out of their sockets.
"OH NO! I ONLY HAVE ONE HOUR TO GET TO MAWLY'S!"
He sat down and did some calculations. "It will take me 1…2…3…3 seconds to teleport over! But wait, that's not classy! I need to show up in a limo. I can teleport to the limo place, but then it will be a 20 minute drive to Molly's. That's okay, I'll still have 40 minutes to spare! I'm sure I won't run into any trouble!"
Nephrite opened his door and Grandpa ran up and slugged him.
"Grandpa, not now!" barked Nephrite. "I'm on my way to see my girlfriend!"
"Oh boy, let's make it a double date!" said Gramps.
"Who's your date?" asked Nephrite.
"Allow me to introduce you to my wife, Tiffany!"
Nephrite turned to see Chad in a girl wig.
"Please help," said Chad.
"Sorry Chad," said Nephrite. "I don't have time for this."
He teleported away.
"Quick, he left his door open!" exclaimed Grandpa. "Let's steal his fridge!"
But when they got inside it was gone.
"Aww tartar sauce," said Grandpa. "Now I have to eat buttered bread."
Nephrite appeared at the limo place. He walked up to front desk.
"Hi, I would like one limo pls."
"Sorry sir, this isn't the rental line. This is the return line."
"Oh, then where's the rental line?" Nephrite asked.
"It starts over there in Hong Kong," said the rental guy.
Nephrite's jaw dropped to the floor when he saw the line spanning all the way to Hong Kong from Japan.
"What do I do!? I don't have time for this!" cried Nephrite. "I know, I'll steal one!"
He hopped in a limo. "Now how do I hotwire?" he wondered.
"Hey, get outta there!" yelled an employee.
"Oh wait I have magic," remembered Nephrite.
He magically hotwired the limo and took off.
He sat back in his seat. "I still have tons of time!"
He turned on the radio and began singing aloud. "Search for your love! Bla bla bla bla bla bla! Search for your love!"
Suddenly, his limo went over a bump and there was a sound like tires piercing.
"Huh?" he asked. He looked in his rearview mirror and saw a brigade of cops after him.
"Uh oh!" he exclaimed.
A wild cop car sped in front of him and crashed into his limo. It spun out of control and hit a wall.
Nephrite was mad.
He got out of the limo.
"Sir, did you steal this limo?" asked a cop.
"No," said Nephrite.
"I don't believe you," said the cop. "I'm going to need you to lean against the vehicle and put your hands behind your back."
They handcuffed Nephrite and started searching his limo.
"Hey wait a second," remembered Nephrite.
He busted out of the handcuffs with his brute strength and slugged a cop.
They open-fired on him but he swatted the bullets away with ease.
"WHAT ARE YOU?!" cried a cop.
"I'M YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE!" barked Nephrite.
He shot out a wave of energy, knocking over all the cops. He then proceeded to slaughter them one by one, taking up another ten minutes.
"Screw the limo," he decided when he was done. "I'll just pick her up in a police car."
He went back to driving down the highway.
"Hey, can you stop at that McBeryl's? I haven't eaten all day."
Nephrite turned to see Zoisite in the shotgun.
"Zoisite, you took my fridge!" Nephrite barked. "And also get out!"
"That was this morning."
"No it wasn't," said Nephrite.
"Alright, ya got me," said Zoisite. "It was 40 minutes ago."
"Wait, I only have 20 minutes to get to Molly?!" gasped Nephrite.
"Is that that human girl? I don't think Beryl likes her very much."
"Rrrr back off!" yelled Nephrite.
"Hey, don't be so hostile. Beryl asked me where you lived earlier and I said I didn't know. So you owe me one. Now stop at McBeryl's and get me a Quarter Pounder Double Deluxe with no mayo."
Nephrite sighed and pulled off at the next exit and into the McBeryl's drive-through.
He pulled up to the speaker. "One Quarter Pounder Deluxe with no mayo," said Nephrite.
"Wait just a darn second!" interrupted Zoisite. "I clearly said Quarter Pounder DOUBLE Deluxe, with EXTRA mayo."
"No you didn't," said Nephrite.
"Well I changed my mind!" yelled Zoisite.
"Alright," barked Nephrite. "I'll take a Quarter Pounder DOUBLE-"
"Wait make that a triple," said Zoisite.
"I'll take a Quarter Pounder TRIPLE Deluxe-"
"Actually can I just have a single with no pickles?" asked Zoisite.
Nephrite started foaming at the mouth. He finally calmed down. "I'll have a Quarter Pounder Single with no pickles."
"And no mustard!" Zoisite hollered.
"Oh and also no mustard," said Nephrite.
"And no ketchup!" added Zoisite.
"And no ketchup," repeated Nephrite.
"Actually," said Zoisite. "I think I do want some ketchup. But I want packets too. So to rephrase; I want ketchup on the burger, as well as 3 extra ketchup packets."
Nephrite let a groan.
"Actually," said Zoisite. "I'll take a McChicken instead."
Nephrite punched the window.
"Woah, take it easy there!" said Zoisite.
"Alright," said Nephrite finally. "I'll take a McChicken and a small fry."
"I don't want a small fry!" exclaimed Zoisite.
"WELL I DO!" barked Nephrite.
He pulled up to the window.
He paid and they gave him his order. He passed Zoisite the McChicken. Zoisite took a nibble.
"Wait a second," remembered Zoisite, tossing the McChicken out the window. "I don't even like chicken. Nephrite, my dear, can you go through and get me that Quarter Pounder after all?"
"Now wait just a minute!" barked Nephrite. "I don't owe you anything! Beryl already knows where I live!"
"Alright, ya got me," said Zoisite.
Nephrite threw Zoisite out the window and drove away. But first, he drove back and drove through a puddle, splashing Zoisite.
"I will ruin you Nephrite!" yelled Zoisite as he drove away.
Nephrite checked his watch. "That didn't take that long…" reasoned Nephrite. "I still have 13 minutes!"
Suddenly a hitchhiker jumped in front of his car, and Nephrite was forced to stop.
"Wait a second," said Nephrite. "Why did I stop?!"
Melvin leaped inside the passenger side. "Hidy ho!" said Melvin. "I need a lift!"
"Screw off!" barked Nephrite. "I'm on my way to Molly's!"
"Same!" exclaimed Melvin. "I'm going there to ask Molly out for a date!"
"Are you?" sneered Nephrite with gritted teeth. "Hey, since I'm going there anyway, let me take you there!"
Nephrite sped past Molly's house.
"Ummm, Maxfield?" said Melvin. "I think you passed her house."
Nephrite didn't respond.
"Maxfield, I think you made a few wrongs turns!" exclaimed Melvin.
Nephrite drove all the way out to the middle of the desert.
"Maxfield," sighed Melvin. "Everyone knows Molly lives in Tokyo, not the desert! Silly boy!"
Nephrite kicked Melvin out of the car and drove away.
By the time he got back to Tokyo he looked at his watch again. "Ok, it only took me ten minutes to ditch Melvin! I still have three to get to her house!"
He was about to turn back on the radio, when he heard a loud banging in the back of his car.
"What is it this time?!" he demanded.
It was so loud he had to pull over.
"Is there some sort of animal in here?" he wondered, opening the trunk.
When he opened it, he found a tied up and blindfolded Jadeite.
Nephrite pulled off the duct tape covering his mouth.
"Why are you in the trunk of this police car?" barked Nephrite.
"Honestly, I don't know," said Jadeite slowly. "Where am I, anyway?! Who's talking to me?!"
"What?" asked Nephrite.
Jadeite leapt up and started throwing kicks. He kicked Nephrite in the jaw.
"OUCH!" screamed Nephrite.
He picked up Jadeite and split him in two.
"WHYYYY?!" yelled Jadeite.
Nephrite got back in his car and drove away.
Jadeite took off the blindfold. "What just happened? Was I imagining things? Wait, where are my legs?"
"One more minute!" cried Nephrite. He started going at the speed of 180 mph, running all the cars off the road. "I WON'T BE LATE!" he screamed.
He leapt out of the moving car in front of Molly's house and it drove off and crashed into another car.
Nephrite jogged up to Molly's door. He quickly took a breath mint and knocked.
Molly's mother answered.
"Oh no," said Nephrite.
"Maxfield," she said in an angry tone. "What did I say about you coming here?"
"Where's Molly?" asked Nephrite.
"You just missed her. She left with that nice young stud Melvin a couple of minutes ago. She said you were an hour late so she was tired of waiting."
"WHAT!?" hollered Nephrite. "HOW DID MELVIN GET BACK FROM THE DESERT!?"
"Huh?" asked Molly's mom.
"I mean, how was I an hour late?! I made it just on time!"
"Ha!" scoffed Molly's mom. "You must have forgotten to switch over to Daylight Savings time last night!"
"What's that?" asked Nephrite in shock. "We don't have anything like that in the Negaverse!"
"The Nega-what?" asked Molly's mom.
Nephrite took out a sword and chopped her head off.
"She knew too much!" he yelled.
"Now, to kill Melvin!" he decided, and teleported off into the sunset.
FIN
