"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"
"Jadeite I think I'm pregnant," said Beryl.
Jadeite had no response.
"You might be the father, Jadeite," said Beryl.
Jadeite looked around nervously "But…?! We never slept together, no matter how many times I asked you to, my queen!"
"That's where you're wrong, Jadeite. You just were conscious when it happened."
"WHAT?!" gasped Jadeite. His head started spinning. "I'm not ready to be a father!" he sobbed. He started hyperventilating. He passed out from lack of oxygen.
Queen Beryl sighed and looked back at her pregnancy test. "How could this have happened? I shouldn't have taken advantage of Jadeite while he was in an eternal sleep ice cube!"
She started to cry. "Why pregnancy test, why?!"
Nephrite walked in. "Queen Beryl, why are you crying while looking at a popsicle stick?"
"What are you talking about, Nephrite?" demanded Beryl. "This is a pregnancy test!"
"That's a popsicle stick, my queen."
"You mean I'm not pregnant?!"
"I wouldn't know, but that won't tell you," replied Nephrite.
"Oh Nephrite, you're always there for me when I need you!"
"By the way Beryl, I am taking the day off."
"I KEEEEEEL YOU!" yelled Beryl.
"But Beryl! I just saved you from 9 months of thinking you're pregnant!" insisted Nephrite.
Queen Beryl sighed. "If I wasn't pregnant right now I'd get up and kill you, but I don't want to risk hurting mine and Jadeite's baby."
Nephrite gasped.
"Nephrite, leave now," barked Beryl. "You heard nothing!"
"Yes me queen!"
Nephrite fled.
He ran past Molly's on the way to his mansion.
"Oh hey Molly!" said Nephrite, appearing in her room.
"Hoy Nephruit!" howled Molly in her Boston accent.
"Umm… yeah," said Nephrite. "Say, I got these two tickets to a safari in the Congo."
"Are they for me and Melvin?" asked Molly.
"No, for me and you."
"Gosh darn it," said Molly.
"What was that?" barked Nephrite.
"I mean, oh boy!" said Molly.
Suddenly Molly's mom was at the door to Molly's room.
"Molly!" she yelled, banging on the door. "Is there a guy in there?"
"No Mom, it's just Melvin," lied Molly.
"Did Melvin finally hit puberty?" asked Molly's mom.
"You wish," said Molly. "Anyway I'm going to the Congo, also I'm stealing some jewelry on the way out."
"Have fun!" said Molly's mom, walking away.
"Can I see the ticket?" Molly asked.
"Hold on," said Nephrite.
Nephrite shot an energy blast at Molly's wall. "Look out!" he yelled.
Molly ducked and he teleported away.
He appeared at a nearby travel agency.
"I can't wait to have our honeymoon!" said a bride.
Nephrite slugged her and stole two tickets.
He reappeared in Molly's house.
He reached under the bed where she was hiding and passed her a ticket.
She got out from under the bed cautiously and looked at it.
"Nephrite, this is a ticket to Kenya!" said Molly.
"Shit!" said Nephrite. "Look out!" he repeated, smashing her roof open with star blasts from above.
She ducked again and he teleported out and reappeared within seconds.
"Here ya go!" he said.
Just then Molly's apartment building collapsed, and Nephrite had to throw his body to block Molly from a falling roof beam.
Unfortunately, Molly's mom didn't make it.
"Nephrite, you saved me!" exclaimed Molly. "Now if only we can find the man who was shooting those energy blasts and who caused me mummy to die!
"I would kill him with my bare hands!" Nephrite said solemnly. "Oh look, garbage!"
Melvin came trotting up to the pile of rubble where Molly used to live.
"Hidy ho Molly! Sorry about your mummy!"
"That's ok, MAyyyylvin!" said Molly. "I never liked her anyway."
"Sweet!" said Melvin. "So Molly, wanna go on a date to the local McBeryl's? I heard they have free wi-fi!"
"No thanks, Melvin," said Molly. "I already have plans."
"WHAT!?" yelled Melvin with a high-pitched squeal. "With who!?"
"With me!" barked Nephrite. "You got a problem, dweazel?"
"Maybe I do!" hollered Melvin, standing on his tippy toes. He tried to rip his shirt off but failed. He took out a shrimp from his pocket and ate it sadly in defeat.
"So where are you taking my Molly?" Melvin asked sadly.
"I got Molly TWO tickets to the Congo. One for her and one for…."
Melvin's face lit up with hope.
"MEEEEEEE!" chortled Nephrite.
"Well, I happen to have a ticket there too!" said Melvin.
"No way, you lie!" Nephrite shouted.
Melvin quickly pulled out his Macbook Pro.
Nephrite laughed at him. "Macs are for nerds."
"No," said Melvin. "You just can't afford a Mac!"
"I can afford garbage!" Nephrite assured him.
Melvin quickly typed on his Macbook.
"Look at the nerd go!" mocked Nephrite.
"Nephroyt you're being mean," whined Molly.
"Can it, woman!" barked Nephrite.
Suddenly Melvin started printing something out from a nearby printer.
"How u do dis?!" demanded Nephrite. "It's not even plugged in!"
"Anything's possible with the power of science! And Apple!"
Nephrite threw a wild punch, but Melvin's Macbook put up a barrier.
Nephrite was tossed back into the wall.
Melvin took out the ticket he had printed and held it out. "Look, I got a ticket too now!"
"Let me see that!" demanded Nephrite.
He examined it and then quickly ripped it up.
"Oops," said Nephrite.
Melvin printed out another.
"Damn!" yelled Nephrite. "Him and his cursed technology!"
He kept ripping up the coupons as they printed but he wasn't fast enough.
Just when it looked like the end of the line for him, the printer ran out of paper.
"HAHAHAHAHAH!" laughed Nephrite.
"Oh well," said Melvin. "I guess I'll have to transfer it to my iPhone and use it as an e-ticket!"
Nephrite charged and picked up Melvin's iPhone. He went to snap it in half, but it electrocuted him.
"Self-defense sequence activated," said Siri.
"Damn you Siri!" howled Nephrite.
Melvin just smirked victoriously. "This thing was $700 dollars! If it didn't have a self-defense sequence at that price, it would be a crime!"
"I will RUIN YOU MELVIN!" yelled Nephrite.
Then Nephrite looked at his watch. "HAHAHAHAH! I stalled just long enough to ruin your chances of ever making the flight! Come on Molly, let's go!"
He went to teleport away but Melvin latched on at the last second.
"D'oh," said Nephrite as he tried to kick Melvin off him in the teleportation stream.
"Nephroyt!" exclaimed Molly. "Just accept that he's coming! Don't start so much drama!"
Nephrite was seconds away from charging Molly but he restrained himself.
"It's days like these that I regret dating a human girl. But then I remember that the only girls in the Negaverse are Beryl, and Zoisite in the dub, and suddenly I don't mind it."
They appeared at the Congo.
"Ahh, beautiful Congo," said Melvin. "I haven't been here since my childhood! This place is spectacular!"
Nephrite started shooting fire blasts and blowing up the Congo.
"Nephrite, stop!" yelled Molly.
"No! Melvin doesn't get to have fun this trip!" hollered Nephrite.
"Stop being immature!" yelled Molly.
"Yeah, dingus!" added Melvin.
"Can it, pipsqueak!" shouted Nephrite.
"Down, boys! Down!" yelled Molly. "Now who wants to hold my luggage?"
"I do!" said Melvin.
He went to pick up Molly's luggage, but he lacked the upper-body strength.
Nephrite laughed and picked it up with one finger.
"Wow, he's so strong," said Molly.
"Nrrrghhghghghgh," muttered Melvin, crossing his arms angrily and chomping loudly on a shrimp.
Nephrite picked up Melvin on the other finger to show off.
Melvin bit him and as a reflex he tossed Melvin into the sky.
"Nephrite!" cried Molly. "Catch him!"
"Sorry, I have my hands full," said Nephrite.
He stood there as Melvin fell to the ground with a thud.
"I'm okay!" said Melvin.
"That's great," said Nephrite. "Now let's get going!"
"Wait!" cried Melvin. "I'm stuck in a hole!"
"Awwwwwwww," said Nephrite leaving.
Melvin crawled out of the hole with his last breath, and Molly had to drag him along.
"Ugh," she panted. "Nephrite, can you help with this?"
"Sorry," said Nephrite. "My hand are too full at the moment to be dragging dead weight."
They reached the tour guide.
"Hi, I'm your tour guide for today, Jody Dite!"
"Jadeite," sighed Nephrite, Molly and Melvin in unison.
"I'm sorry, you must be confused. Jadeite is not this tan, nor does he have brown hair. For I am not Jadeite, I am Jody Ite."
"Ok Jed," said Nephrite. "Can you get the tour started?"
"I only answer to Jody. Or J.J. My last name is Johnson, so all my friends call me J.J., for Jody Johnson!"
"You just said your last name was Ite," reminded Nephrite.
"Don't' be ridiculous," laughed Jody. "So anyway, we're just waiting for 3 more guests."
"Make that two!" said Grandpa scurrying up to them. "I FEEL EVIL!"
Nephrite's heart dropped. He knew that any second now Grandpa would throw a punch, so he decided to take the initiative. He threw a swift karate chop.
Grandpa absorbed it, and deflected it tenfold.
Nephrite was in a peril state.
"Hey, cut it out!" yelled Jadeite, I mean Jody. "No fighting on my tours!"
Grandpa decided to respect his tour guide and let Nephrite live another day.
"Hey Jody!" said Motoki as he approached. "Nice to see ya, old pal!"
"Aww hey, M-man!" exclaimed Jody. "I haven't seen you since college! How ya been?"
"I've been great man! So glad I spent all that money on college just to work at an arcade!"
"Aww I feel the same way man!" said Jody. "I spent all that money just to be a tour guide!"
"Jadeite…" said Nephrite slowly. "How long did you go to college to keep up this disguise?"
"I don't know any Jadeites," repeated Jody. "And if you know what's good for you, Maxfield, you won't bring it up again."
Maxfield went silent.
"Ok, I think our last guest won't be joining us," said Jody. "So let's get started!"
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIT!" cried Shingo running up and hopping on.
"Why are you so late, kid?" demanded Nephrite.
"Shut up old coot!" yelled Shingo. "I was finishing my level in Super Paper Mario!"
"Aww I love that game!" exclaimed Melvin. "I prefer it on PC though! On an emulator!"
"Shut it, nerd," said Nephrite slugging him.
"Stop bullying me," said Melvin.
"Stop being a nerd, said Nephrite.
"I will not be a bystander to this bullying any longer!" yelled Motoki.
"You wanna go, tough guy?" challenged Nephrite.
"Uh, never mind," said Motoki, shrinking back into his seat.
"Sorry I'm late guys," whispered someone nearby.
"Sailor Mercury?" asked Nephrite.
"Maxfield?" asked Ami.
"Alright, you keep my secret, I'll keep yours," decided Nephrite.
"I came to the Congo for my particle physics class," explained Ami.
"By calculations," said Melvin. "You're only 14. Why are you in these college level classes?"
"I skipped 2nd grade, 4th grade, 6th grade, 7th grade, high school, college, and med school. I'm gonna be a doctor, ya know!"
"That's dumb," said Melvin. "What's the rush? I mean, you're a sailor scout and all, can't you take off studying once in a while?"
"How do you know I'm sailor scout?!" gasped Ami.
"Because I'm not an idiot," said Melvin
Nephrite wanted to disagree with that but he decided to let it slide because he could not get away with calling Melvin a nerd with all the other nerds on the Jeep.
"You're off the hook this time," he whispered to Melvin. "But don't get used to it!"
"Alright," said Jody, "Let's get this tour started!"
The tour wagon rattled through the savanna.
"This is making me car sick! Pull over!" cried Melvin.
"Suck it up, nerd," said Nephrite.
"That's easy for you to say. You have a bladder!" shouted Melvin.
"That's makes no sense," said Nephrite.
"Can you fagbags shut up?" asked Shingo politely. "I'm trying to play this game here."
Melvin took it out of his hand. "Is this the iPod 6s?! Oh my god! There's actually a manufacturing error with these that causes your contacts to-"
"Shut up!" cried Shingo. "Give it back!"
"No, you should be paying attention to the savanna!" insisted Melvin. "It's a once in a lifetime opportunity! However, you can see videos of the same quality on the internet! In HD!"
"Can you all be quiet and let me enjoy nature?" barked Molly. "See, look how peaceful it is!"
"So when are we stopping by my girlfriend Reika's archeology site? That's the only reason I came," said Motoki.
"Which site?" asked Jody.
"The one you promised we'd hit!" cried Motoki.
"I never said that. You must have been talking to my old college roommate, Jadeite!"
"Nice try," said Nephrite. "But Jadeite didn't go to college!"
"Yes I did!" cried Jody. "I went under the name Jody so that's why you didn't know about it!"
"HAHA!" shouted Nephrite. "I caught him! Did anyone hear that?"
"Hear what?" asked Molly.
"Dammit!" cried Nephrite.
"Well, if I can't see Reika, then I'm leaving," said Motoki.
"You can't leave!" cried Jody. "We're in the middle of the savanna!"
"I'll take my chances," said Motoki.
He hopped out of the safari Jeep.
Everyone turned around and watched him take three steps away.
Then, an elephant appeared out of nowhere and wrapped its trunk around Motoki's throat.
They didn't get to see if he lived or not because Jadeite had kept driving and he was no longer in view.
"That was brutal!" said Molly in distress.
"Yeah!" said Ami. "Simply horrendous!"
"That was HILARIOUS!" laughed Nephrite and Shingo.
"Huh," said Shingo. "Looks like we're not too different after all!"
"Can it, dweeb boy!" yelled Nephrite.
"I didn't say anything!" yelled Melvin.
"Quiet!" cried Ami. "I need to take detailed notes of this trip for my university statistical analysis class!"
"I thought you said this was for particle physics?" asked Nephrite.
"Huh? I don't even know what classes I'm taking anymore. I just study all day, but I learn nothing! I'm going insane!"
"Why do you study so much?" asked Melvin. "I don't study at all, and I get pretty close grades to yours!"
"CLOSE BUT NO BANANAS!" howled Ami.
"Who's a cute baby?" said Grandpa suddenly.
"Who is?" asked Nephrite.
"That little baby over there!" said Grandpa.
"You talkin' to me!?" barked Shingo.
Grandpa slid in close to him. "Coochie coochie coo!" he said scratching Shingo's chin.
Shingo slapped his hand away. "Don't touch me old man! I need an adult!"
"I'm not an adult!" said Melvin.
"Then why did you reply, jerk!?" howled Shingo.
"Calm down!" cried Jody. "If you don't stop this you'll get Jungle Fever!"
"We're not in the jungle. This is a savanna," said Nephrite.
"Shhhh that's just the jungle fever," said Jody. "Now we all have to be completely still as I approach this herd of lions."
"NO!" cried Grandpa. "I'm too old to die!"
"Nah," said Jadeite. "There's nothing to worry about. I would have a degree if I was good at my job!"
"Wait what?" asked Nephrite.
Jody slowly brought the car closer to the lions.
"Jadeite?" asked Nephrite with concern. "Aren't you deathly afraid of lions?"
"I don't know who you're talking about!" replied Jody.
"No, seriously," said Melvin. "This is dangerously close!"
"Pshhh," scoffed Jadeite/Jody. "As long as we don't get scared, they won't smell our fear!"
"But Jadeite!" cried Nephrite. "You're terrified of lions! Don't you remember Chapter 21, when Zoisite triple dog dared you to jump into that lion's pen, and you got mauled?"
"I don't… know… what you're talking…"
Suddenly Jody's persona broke and Jadeite remembered.
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" he screamed at the top of his lungs. "I don't wanna get mauled again!"
He started to make a sharp turn but he couldn't see through his tears. He spun the Jeep around rapidly.
Shingo tried to leap out but was pulled back by centrifugal force.
"WOAAH!" everyone cried.
Ami threw up, as did Molly.
"Calm down babe," said Nephrite.
Molly threw up on Nephrite.
Suddenly the Jeep stopped.
"Uh oh," said Jadeite. "Why did we stop?"
They looked down to see a lion holding the wheels back from spinning.
Jadeite froze.
There was a moment of silence, then the lion leapt onto the jeep. He picked up Jadeite with his big meaty claws and stuck him in his mouth.
The lion waved at the others, and then fled with Jadeite's legs still kicking outside of his mouth.
Nephrite took his hat off. "He was a good man."
Grandpa took his hair piece off and started sobbing. "I'll never forget that time he worked for my temple! He was too attractive to die! WAAAAAAAA!"
"There, there, Grandpa," said Molly.
Ami started crying. "We just watched a man get murdered! How are you all not traumatized?!"
"Gee I don't know," said Molly. "You all watched Nephrite die and didn't really help me."
"Huh?" asked Ami. "You mean Maxfield?"
"Enough of this," said Nephrite. "Jadeite got what he deserved.
Nephrite took the wheel. "Alright, time to drive home boys!"
The car didn't start.
"I said, time to drive home boys!"
Nothing happened.
"What's taking so long, you fatass?" barked Shingo.
"I think we're out of gas," said Nephrite.
"Uh oh," said Molly.
"No need to fear!" said Ami. "We just need to find a vein of petroleum oil, a natural gas pocket, and a three liter bottle of corn oil. Then, with a 60,000 watt engine, we can synthesize our own gasoline!"
"Ummm…." said Melvin, reaching in his pocket. "I have three shrimp. And my Macbook Pro!"
Nephrite saw the opportunity and ripped the Macbook Pro in half. He chucked the pieces 3,000 miles into the distance.
"What are you doing!?" cried Molly. "We could have used that to call for help!"
"There's no wi-fi out here!" barked Nephrite.
"That's where you're wrong!" said Melvin. "My Macbook Pro had a hotspot."
"Then why did you offer to turn it into gas?!" cried Nephrite.
"I didn't think you would take out your anger from Molly's rejection on my laptop," sneered Melvin.
Nephrite froze. Then he got mad.
He picked up Melvin over his head and threw him on the ground.
He went it for the pile drive, but Molly blocked him.
Molly was smashed and put into a peril state.
"Nephroyt! Woyyyy!" cried Molly.
"MOLLY! OH NO!" cried Nephrite. "Aww man I am sorry."
"D'aww it's ok," said Molly. "As long as I don't get any more hurt, I will be fine."
Just then, an ancient pterodactyl flew in.
"Look out!" cried Ami.
Nephrite flew into the sky and threw a punch, but the pterodactyl flapped its wind and sent Neprhite back with a gust of wind. He landed in a nearby river and was cast away.
"MOLLLLLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!" cried Nephrite as he faded into the horizon.
"I'll save you, Molly!" yelled Melvin.
But the pterodactyl was out for Molly's blood. It ignored Melvin and grabbed Molly in its talons.
It started to haul her away, but before it got far, it realized she had already died from blood loss and dropped her.
"We must avenge her!" cried Melvin. "Quick Mercury, fire your attack!"
"Ok!"
It did nothing.
"D'oh," said Mercury.
"You know," said Grandpa. "I could have easily caught that bird in my cross-eyed lobster form. But nobody asked me to fire my attack, so oh well."
Nephrite came back soaking wet.
"Where's my Molly?!" he hollered.
Grandpa took his hair piece off. "Over there," he said sadly, pointing to her battered carcass that was being eaten by lions.
Nephrite fell to his knees. "MAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYYY!"
Melvin put his hand on Nephrite's shoulder. "It's okay, we'll get through this together.
"Wait a second," said Nephrite. "If Molly's dead, why am I putting up with you?"
"That's a good question," said Melvin. He made a break for it.
Nephrite appeared in front of him and chopped his head off with a karate chop.
"Alright, who's next?" said Nephrite.
"Hey," said Ami. "If you could teleport, why didn't you just take us all and teleport back to Tokyo, right when the van died?"
"After teleporting both Molly and Melvin earlier, I am too low on energy to teleport more than just myself."
He stopped talking for a moment.
"Oh wait. Goodbye."
Nephrite went to teleport away, but he was picked up by a rhino's horn.
The rhino stood up on its hind legs, and sprinted off with Nephrite.
"Whelp," said Grandpa. "Looks like it's just me and two minors. What a shame."
Then Grandpa realized something. "It's just me… and two minors…"
Ami and Shingo made a break for it.
Grandpa turned into a cross-eyed lobster and ran after them on all sixes.
"We can't keep going!" cried Ami. "I must turn into Sailor Mercury and fly away!"
"What the Hell?" barked Shingo. He was mad. Right as she started to fly away, he slapped her textbook out of her hand.
"Noooo! Without that textbook, I'll get an A-!"
Ami went back for it, and Shingo used the opportunity to leap off her and into a tree.
Grandpa lunged at Ami.
"Mercury Bubble Blast!" she cried in a desperate attempt.
It did nothing.
"Wait, where'd she go?" asked Grandpa.
"HOYL SHIT IT WORKED?!" cried Ami.
Shingo dropped down and kicked Granpda in the head, knocking him unconscious.
"We did it!" cried Ami.
Shingo slugged Ami. "You were gonna leave me to die! Or worse!"
"I'm sorry," said Ami. "Now let's take a study break."
"No!" cried Shingo. "We have to get back to the camp before nightfall!"
"Wait, we can't just leave Grandpa here!" cried Ami.
"Why not?" yelled Shingo. "He tried to have his way with us!"
"I know," said Ami, "But he's still my good friend's grandpa. We must drag him with us!"
But when they turned around, all they saw was a trail of blood.
"Looks that took care of itself," said Shingo. "Now let's go!"
They started walking in the hot savanna heat. Five minutes passed.
Ami was started to lose it.
"Are we there yet!?" asked Shingo for the 47th time.
"RRAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" yelled Ami. She started beating her chest. "We'll never make it out of here!"
"It's okay," said Shingo. "We just have to keep calm and carry on!"
"NOOOOOO!" yelled Ami. She slugged Shingo.
"Youch!" yelled Shingo.
"I am doomed to a life in the jungle!" declared Ami.
"This isn't the jungle," said Shingo.
"JUNGLE FEVER!" yelled Ami. "I must embrace my fate! I am a primate! I … am … a …. GORILLA!"
"No…" said Shingo slowly, backing up.
"HOO HOO HA HA!" howled Ami. She ripped her clothes off and ate a banana. Then she climbed a tree and swung away on vines.
Shingo decided not to try and stop her. A single tear rolled down his cheek. "She belongs here."
All alone now, Shingo trudged on for days, until he eventually gave up and died.
Epilogue.
Two months had passed.
Beryl danced in her bikini while downing multiple alcoholic beverages. "This is so much fun!" exclaimed Beryl. "I'm so glad you two threw this 'Nephrite is probably dead' party!"
"Shucks," said Kunzite. "It's the least we can do."
There was a gust of wind, and Beryl's hat flew away from the bar and into the bushes surrounding the resort.
"Zoisite, fetch my hat," demanded Beryl.
Zoisite went to fetch her hat.
"Aww yuck!" he cried a moment later. "A dead body!"
"Oh boy I wanna see!" exclaimed Queen Beryl and Kunzite.
They walked ten feet away from the resort and found the body. It was none other than Shingo Tsukino.
"Poor little guy," said Kunzite. "He was so close to reaching civilization. Hey look! An iPod 6s!"
"MINE!" shouted Beryl. She grabbed it and started barking at them.
"D'oh," said Kunzite.
"D'oh," said Beryl. "It has a password lock."
"Oh well," said Zoisite. "Let's get back to the Nephrite is dead party!"
They went back to dancing.
Just then, they heard a sound like hoof-steps in the distance. Before they could even turn around, Nephrite road in on an upright rhinoceros with a flame sword and decapitated the three of them.
"eZ" said Nephrite.
He took their heads and sold them to a local tribe of gorillas for a bunch of bananas.
"Thanks!" said Ami after trading the bananas. "I love decapitated heads!"
She turned to the ape tripe of which she was the leader.
"ARRRGHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAA!" she howled.
"ARRRGHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAA!" they yelled back.
The apes and Nephrite took over the resort and partied for generations.
FIN
