"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"
He entered Beryl's throne room.
"BERYL BERYL BERYL BERYL!"
"WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT!?"
"I found the holder of the Silver Crystal!"
"YOU DID!?" gasped Beryl.
"YAAAAAAAS!" hollered Jadeite.
"BERYL BERYL BERYL BERYL!" hollered Nephrite, storming in. "I found the holder of the Silver Crystal!"
"YOU DID!?" gasped Beryl.
"That's it!" yelled Jadeite. "I'm sick of you stealing my thunder!"
He threw a wild punch at Nephrite.
It felt like a gust of wind against Nephrite's skin.
"Wait," said Beryl. "So which one of you actually found it?"
"BERYL BERYL BERYL BERYL!" yelled Kunzite and Zoisite, rushing in in a flurry. "We found the-"
"Can it!" yelled Beryl.
"Actually," said Zoisite. "We were just gonna tell you that we found that old crystal ball of yours that rolled away years ago! Turns out it was in Nephrite's house all along!"
"WHAT?!" yelled Nephrite.
"WHAT?!" yelled Jadeite.
"STOP SCREAMING!" yelled Beryl. "My ears are killing me today, come on!"
Everyone went silent.
Jadeite hiccupped.
Beryl shot an eternal sleep attack.
Jadeite dived to the floor and it hit Nephrite.
"Nooooooo!" cried Nephrite. However, nothing happened.
"Oh, I guess it only works on weak Shitennou," said Nephrite.
"Heh heh," chuckled Beryl nervously.
"Wow Beryl," said Zoisite. "You talk a good game, but you're not as tough as you pretend to be!"
Queen Beryl shot the attack at Zoisite. Zoisite was frozen in an ice crystal.
Kunzite took out a chisel and chiseled Zoisite out.
"Hey thanks," said Zoisite.
Nephrite let out a hardy laugh. "I think it has something to do with you not having these shoulder things," he said, pointing to his shoulder things.
"That's it!" yelled Zoisite. "I'm sick of you stealing my thunder!"
He threw a wild punch at Nephrite.
It felt like a gust of wind against Nephrite's skin.
"Now let's go back to this Silver Crystal business," said Beryl. "I don't care who found it, since I'm going to kill you all when I take over the world anyway."
"Pardon?" asked Kunzite.
Beryl laughed nervously. "So where is it?"
"It's at this random girl Usagi Tsukino's house!" said Jadeite and Nephrite in unison.
They both turned and looked at each other and growled.
"Why would it be there?" wondered Beryl.
"Probably got misplaced," suspected Kunzite.
"So what's the plan boyz?" asked Jadeite.
"We must go in there and take it from her, obviously!" scoffed Nephrite.
"We can't just barge into a human home!" exclaimed Jadeite. "That will be bad for our PR!"
"You're right," said Beryl thoughtfully. "We need to be subtle!"
"How are we going to get the crystal?!" cried Zoisite to Kunzite.
"It's okay," said Kunzite, patting Zoisite on the head.
"But Kunzite-sama! Whoever gets it wins it!"
"If Nephrite gets it, we'll just take it from him!" laughed Kunzite.
"But what if Nephrite immediately brings it to Beryl?" Zoisite cried.
"If Beryl gets it, we'll just take it from her!"
"What if she passes it to Metalia?"
"Alright, leave me alone," barked Kunzite, throwing Zoisite off him.
"Go fish!" yelled Usagi.
"Aww shit!" cried Rei. She stormed out of the room.
"Good game friends," said Ami crying in defeat.
"Suck it Ami," howled Usagi. "Alright guys, pay up!"
Mina forked over 20 dollars. So did Ami.
"You'll get it over my dead body!" howled Rei.
"Hey guys, where's our good pal Makoto?" asked Minako.
"She's gone," Usagi.
"Gone where?"
"Away."
"Oh," said Mina. "That's a darn shame."
Suddenly, there was a knock on the door.
Usagi answered it.
"Hi girls! It's me, Jed!"
"I don't know a Jed," said Usagi suspiciously.
"I'm sensing some bad vibes about this guy," said Rei, returning to the room.
"Suck it, loser!" barked Jadeite.
Rei gasped.
"What I meant to say was, I'm the neighborhood health inspector! I've been getting some complaints about mold in this house, and I need to check it out!"
"Not from this house…" said Usagi slowly.
"Actually," said Ami. "I was just doing my weekly environmental analysis for my complex environmental algorithm class, and I can confirm that there is no mold in this house."
"Do you have a license?" asked Jed.
"No," said Ami. "Do you?"
Jadeite slugged her and made a break for it into the house.
Ami was crying on the floor.
"Oh nooooo," said Mina sarcastically.
"That man called me a loser, and now he hit my friend!" yelled Rei. "He's done for!"
Rei, Usagi, and Mina took off after Jed.
He turned around and saw they were hot on his tail, so he picked up speed.
He quickly took a glance in each room, but didn't see any Silver Crystals.
He dove into the bathroom and locked the door.
"Get out of my house!" cried Usagi. "I'm calling the police!"
"Yo, this is not cool," said the voice of a young boy.
Jadeite turned around and gasped.
Shingo was naked in the bath tub.
"Awww, yuck!" yelled Jadeite. "Put some bubbles on!"
"MOOOOOM!" cried Usagi. "Some health inspector locked himself in the bathroom and may or may not be molesting Shingo!"
There was no response.
"Wait, what season is this?" asked Usagi.
Rei counted on her fingers.
"Oh, never mind, I don't have parents anymore. Wait, that means Shingo shouldn't be around either!"
Shingo faded from existence.
"Phew," sighed Jadeite. "That could have ended badly."
While the sailors were trying to pick the lock on the bathroom door, there was another knock at the door.
They left Jadeite alone and went to get it.
"Your pizza is here," said the guy.
"Maxfield Stanton?" they all asked in unison.
"Umm… no! This is his son, Maxton Stanfield III!"
"Why does his son have a different last name?" asked Ami.
"Shit!" cried Nephrite. He slammed the door.
20 seconds later, he knocked again.
They answered.
"Your pizza is here," said the guy. This time, Nephrite wore a wig as to not look too similar to Maxfield Stanton.
"We didn't order any pizza," said Usagi.
"This one's on the house," said Nephrite. "Hey, is that a flat screen?"
He let himself in. He threw himself on the sofa, in between Mina and Rei.
He started eating the pizza and put his feet up on the table.
"Yeah, so uh, at Papa Beryl's, where I work, we go around delivering free pizzas in exchange for access to cable TV!"
"Aww, that poor homeless man," said Usagi sympathetically. "You make yourself at home!"
"Also, do you have any expensive jewels?" asked Nephrite. "Ya know, for charity. And if possible, do you have any that are silver, or crystal-like? Or both?"
"I mean we have the Silver Crystal," began Usagi but Rei slugged her.
Rei pulled Usagi aside.
"I don't know about this guy," said Rei.
"You say that about everyone," said Usagi. "Like that last guy!"
"Yeah, and I was right!" yelled Rei. "He's still hiding in the bathroom!"
Meanwhile, Jadeite slowly peaked his head outside the door.
He saw Nephrite on the couch.
"Shit!" he cried, getting mad. "I better find that crystal fast!"
He tiptoed into the next room. The door read "Shingo's room, keep out!"
"eZ," said Jadeite, looking all around inside the room. Suddenly, his foot was caught.
The next thing he knew, something clamped around his foot, and was hung upside-down from the ceiling.
"HAAAALP!" he cried.
He read the nearby sign. "That's what you get for going in my room, idiot Usagi!"
"UwAAAAAAAAA!"
"Do you hear something?" Mina asked.
"Nah," said Nephrite, turning up the TV. "So yeah, about that crystal. If you toss it over, I can get you free pizza for a year!"
"Free pizza… for a year?!" gasped Usagi. "I think we must make the trade!"
"NO!" cried the others.
Usagi took out the silver crystal and went to hand it to Nephrite.
The other scouts tackled her to the ground.
But Usagi was mad. She was livid. She threw them all off her like ragdolls, and slowly reached towards Nephrite with the crystal.
"YAAAAASSSSSSS!" said Nephrite with his eyes glowing evilly.
Suddenly there was a knock on the door.
"Oops, gotta go get that!" said Usagi, walking away.
"WAAA!" screamed Nephrite.
She opened the door.
"This is the police," said Kunzite. He and Zoisite were in cop outfits.
"Oh no!" cried Usagi. "I surrender!"
"Ok cool," said Zoisite. "Gimme the Silver Crystal."
Kunzite slugged him. "Anyway, we got a report that an escaped convict was headed this way. Apparently he's disguised as a pizza man."
Everyone turned to Nephrite. Nephrite looked down at his pizza box and outfit.
"Are you talkin' 'bout me?" barked Nephrite.
"I'm gonna need to place you under arrest," said Kunzite. "You have the right to remain silent."
Kunzite cautiously approached Nephrite with handcuffs.
"You're not real cops!" howled Nephrite. "Show me your badges!"
"Uh oh," said Zoisite.
"This is a citizen's arrest!" yelled Kunzite.
"Yeah, yeah!" agreed Zoisite. "We're gonna need to search your house, ma'am!"
"Ok…" said Usagi.
Rei approached Usagi. "I don't know about these guys!"
"I'M TIRED OF YOUR PESSIMISM! YOU'RE STARTING TO BE AS ANNOYING AS AMI!" howled Usagi.
"What was that?" asked Ami.
"Can it, Ami!" yelled Usagi.
Zoisite quickly ran off to search the house.
Nephrite went to go tackle him, but Kunzite slugged him.
"Stay on the ground, pal, we have a citizen's warrant!"
"Don't make me call the real cops and tell them there are people impersonating cops!" threatened Nephrite.
"Don't make me call Maxfield Stanton over here to deal with you!" mocked Kunzite.
They had reached an impass.
Zoisite started running around frantically, looking through all the rooms.
He ran into Usagi's bedroom and threw everything on the floor, looking for the crystal.
"Where is it!? Where is it!?"
He looked in the closet. "Dang, why does this girl have so many Sailor Moon cosplay outfits?"
Luna crawled out from under her cat bed. She gasped.
"Hey, who are you?" she demanded.
Zoisite thought fast and shot his taser at Luna.
"UWAAAA!" cried Luna. "Why does this always happen to me!?"
Zoisite ran into the next room.
Inside, he found Jadeite tied up upside-down.
"Jadeite?! You're looking for the crystal too?!"
"I was," sighed Jadeite. "But I got myself into a bit of a predicament. Hey, could you help me down so I can keep looking?"
"Yeah, just wait right here!" said Zoisite. "I'll go get a pair of scissors!"
Zoisite closed the door behind him and didn't look back.
Suddenly, there was another knock on the door.
"We're a little busy," called Usagi. "There's some sort of police standoff going on in here with the pizza guy and a few upstanding citizens!"
"It will only take a second!" promised the visitor.
Usagi opened the door.
"Hi, I'm the exterminator!" said Queen Beryl.
"Uh oh," said Kunzite.
"We didn't call an exterminator?" said Usagi curiously.
"I know, but the neighbors reported that your house is infested with pests!"
Just then she spotted Kunzite and Nephrite in the middle of a mental scrap.
"Look, there's two now!"
She charged them with bug spray.
She tackled Kunzite down to the floor.
Nephrite used this opportunity to make a break for it.
"Why Beryl why!?" yelled Kunzite.
"The crystal is mine!" yelled Beryl. "I need to prove myself to Metalia!"
"Idiot!" shouted Kunzite. "I was gonna give it to you!"
"You were?" asked Beryl.
"Yeah, but not anymore!" screamed Kunzite.
"Ok, then I'll just keep spraying you!" shouted Beryl.
Zoisite was in the basement throwing laundry everywhere.
"WHERE…. IS….. IT!?"
Nephrite came barging in.
"You!" he howled.
"Uh oh," said Zoisite.
Nephrite charged Zoisite, spinning his arms in a circle like a crazy man.
"UWAAAA!" cried Zoisite. It was too late to run so all he could do was a short distance teleport.
He teleported two feet to the side.
Nephrite got confused by the petals and ran into the wall.
"LOLOLOLOL!" yelled Zoisite running out.
Zoisite went running up the stairs towards the attic.
He threw everything in Chibi-usa's room to the floor and found a hidden drawer.
"Ooooo what's this?"
"Hi I'm Pegasus," said Pegasus, inside of Chibi-usa's snow globe.
"Oh, it's just trash," said Zoisite, throwing him out the window.
"WHERE IS THE CRYSTAL!?"
"What crystal?" asked Rei.
"THE SILVER IMPERIUM CRYSTAL, DUH!" yelled Zoisite from the other room.
"Hmmm," said Rei. She decided to go up and investigate.
Meanwhile, Beryl was smacking Kunzite on the head with the empty spray bottle.
"Why, Beryl? Why!?" Kunzite continued to sob.
"Alright, break it up guys," said Mina, breaking up the fight.
"I don't believe you're a real exterminator," said Ami.
"Why do you think that?" asked Beryl suspiciously.
"Well for one, you look like Queen Beryl of the Negaverse."
"Who?" asked Beryl.
"For two, your exterminator's tool belt doesn't look very legit."
"How not?!" demanded Beryl.
"Because it consists of a bubble wand, a water gun, and a comb."
"Hey, where'd that pizza guy go?" asked Usagi.
They followed the trail of pizza crumbs down into the basement.
There, they found Nephrite in the washing machine where Zoisite had left him.
They turned off the spin cycle.
"What's going on here?" they demanded.
They turned around, but Kunzite and Beryl were gone.
"WHERE IS IT WHERE IS IT WHERE IS IT!?" yelled Beryl, throwing Usagi's things around.
"WHERE IS IT WHERE IS IT WHERE IS IT!?" yelled Kunzite, throwing Usagi's parents' things around.
"I already checked those rooms!" cried Zoisite running past them. "Maybe it's in the kitchen!"
He ran for the kitchen but smashed into Rei, who was standing in front of the kitchen door.
"Howdy!" said Zoisite.
"Why do you want in the kitchen?" asked Rei suspiciously.
"Oh, you know. Just gettin' myself a glass of water!"
"No need," said Rei. "I'll pour you one!"
"No, no, no," said Zoisite. "Please, I'd feel bad making you have to get it for me! You've already done so much!"
"No, I insist," said Rei.
Zoisite was quiet for a moment. But then he picked up a vase and hit Rei over the head. He dived into the kitchen and began opening up the cabinets.
He pulled one of the cabinet doors too hard and the cabinet tipped over. 20,000 plates smashed on his head, and he was knocked into a peril state.
Kunzite came running in. "Oh no!"
Zoisite was running out of energy fast. "Check… check the dishwasher!"
Beryl ran into Shingo's room in a mad dash.
"BERYL!" cried Jadeite. "Help me! If you do, I'll help you search!"
"I don't need help," said Beryl.
"Pls!" cried Jadeite.
Beryl slammed the door and moved on.
The scouts ran into the kitchen where Rei was knocked unconscious, Zoisite was covered in broken plates, and Kunzite was half inside the dishwasher.
"WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?!" yelled Usagi.
"We suspect that there are drugs hidden in this household!" exclaimed Kunzite. "Show me where you keep your stash, or I'll find it on my own!"
"I'm going to have to ask you to leave," said Usagi.
"Make me!" yelled Kunzite.
Just then, Nephrite flew in out of nowhere and karate chopped Kunzite. It had no effect.
"Dammit," said Nephrite.
Beryl ran in too. "Alright, where is it?!" she yelled.
"WHERE IS WHAT?!" cried Mina.
"Shut up," said Beryl.
"Get out!" cried Usagi.
Jadeite came rolling in, still tied up. "Hey Zoisite! Did you ever find those scissors?"
"Ughh," Zoisite muttered. He threw a crystal at Jadeite. It cut open the rope.
"Oh. Thanks!" yelled Jadeite.
Nephrite punched Jadeite on the head. "The crystal is mine!"
Kunzite had enough of Nephrite and finally just slugged him.
Nephrite flew into the fridge and it fell on top of him.
"Youch!" yelled Nephrite.
Usagi had more than enough. "STOP MESSING UP MY HOUSE!"
"NOT UNTIL YOU FORK OVER THE CRYSTAL!" yelled Beryl.
She threw a handful of mousetraps at Usagi but they had little-to-no effect.
"OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" said Usagi in realization. "You guys are from the Negaverse! And you're looking for this!"
She pulled the Silver Crystal out of her pocket.
"Oh yeah!" remembered Nephrite. "She did have that on her! Heh heh!"
She slapped Zoisite with the Moon Wand.
"Now for the rest of you!" said Usagi.
"Well looks like this plan was a bust," said Kunzite. "Anyway, I am the great Lord Kunzite, of the Dark Kingdom!"
He ripped off his police uniform.
"Shit maybe I should have worn clothes under this."
He put back on the police uniform.
Usagi finished them all off with ease.
"So Rei, I guess you were right. I'm sorry," said Usagi. "All of the people you said not to trust turned out to be untrustworthy. I won't take my chances anymore!"
Rei was still unconscious.
There was another knock at the door.
"Another one?!" exclaimed Usagi. "I won't let you down this time, Rei."
The door opened, and Usagi fired the Moon Wand with all she had.
"Hey guys, it's me, Makoto!" said Makoto.
Those were her last words.
She was eliminated to such an extent that her brutally bashed corpse was unrecognizable.
"I wonder who that was," said Ami.
"I guess we'll never know!"
FIN
