"Queen Beryl," yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"
"Oh boy Jadeite what is it this time?"
"Humans have this thing they called 'love', your highness and-"
Queen Beryl gasped at the top of her lungs.
"KUNZITE!"
Kunzite warped in.
"Yes, my queen?"
"Quick, Kunzite, get me a cup of coffee!"
Kunzite teleported to the coffee maker and made Beryl a cup of coffee. He teleported back with a cup labeled '#1 Queen' and handed it to Beryl.
"Two tea-spoons of sugar, no cream, just how you like it, Queen Beryl."
Beryl took a sip and spit it in Jadeite's face.
"TELL ME MORE JADEITE!"
"Beryl as I was saying…"
Suddenly Nephrite ran in.
He pulled out a large sack and dumped it on the floor.
"Hoy, I'm Mawly!" said Molly, crawling to her feet.
"WHAT IS THAT?!" gasped Beryl.
Zoisite appeared then to attempt to convince Queen Beryl that it would be in her best interest to take out Nephrite once and for all.
"That looks like a human, my queen!"
"Nephrite, is that a human?" barked Beryl.
Nephrite took a deep breath. "This is my girlfriend Molly. She wanted to meet my family, so here she is."
"So anyway," continued Jadeite. "If I am able to extract the love energy from three-"
"Jadeite," said Beryl.
"Yes, my queen?"
"Shut up."
"Yes, my queen."
"Nephroyt?" asked Molly.
"Yep," said Nephrite.
"Who's the angry one?"
"Oh, that's just Queen Beryl. She's nice once you get to know her."
Beryl's eyes were on fire and her hair was flying around her head.
"Nephrite… you brought a human to our secret lair! What if she's a Sailor?!"
"She's not a sailor, my queen," said Jadeite. "I know their identities. Do you want to hear them?"
"What did I just tell you, Jadeite!? Zip your lips!"
"Yes, my queen."
"Queen Beryl," began Zoisite. "Nephrite has compromised our security. I think we're going to have to take him out."
"Zoisite," said Queen Beryl. "Zip your lips!"
"But Queen Beryl!"
"ZOISITE!" screeched Beryl. "Go to your room!"
Zoisite ran away crying.
"Nephroyt?" asked Molly. "Why's that girl sound like a guy?"
"That's because he is a guy. Well, not in the dub, but that's beside the point," explained Nephrite.
"Is he, like, gay?" asked Molly.
"Most definitely," said Nephrite.
Kunzite went to interrupt, but looked at Beryl and decided he should keep his mouth shut.
"So anyway," said Nephrite. "I'm taking off work this evening to take Molly on a date."
"Nephrite, I'm getting real sick of this," said Beryl. "This is like the third time this week."
"Love takes work," said Nephrite.
"Work takes love," retorted Beryl. "Plus, you've used up all your sick days."
"What about my vacation days?" asked Nephrite.
"You don't have vacation days, bub!"
"What about my paternity leave?"
"Ok, but if you ever have a baby you'll regret this!" howled Beryl.
"Yes!" exclaimed Nephrite, pumping his fist.
"Queen Beryl," began Zoisite, appearing again completely unscathed. "Me and Kunzite would like to use one of our sick days that we didn't waste to go along with Nephrite."
"No way!" barked Nephrite.
"Oh boy!" exclaimed Molly. "A dooble date!"
"That's an excellent idea!" agreed Beryl.
"Actually," decided Molly. "Let's moyke it a triple date! I can invite moy best friend Usagi!"
"Usagi?" gasped Jadeite, perking up. "Usagi is the name of-"
"JAAAAAAAAADEEEEEEEEEEEITTTTTTTTE!" shrieked Queen Beryl.
Jadeite sat down and hung his head.
"And," continued Molly. "She can take her boyfriend, Mamoru Chiba!"
"WHAT?!" exclaimed Beryl. "Mamoru Chiba will go?!"
"Yes," said Molly. "Do you know him?"
"…" replied Beryl. "I think I'll tag along."
"You don't have a date," said Nephrite.
"Watch it, bud! I'll just go with…" she looked around. "I'll find someone on the way there!"
"Hey guys," said Jadeite. "Can I go with my girlfriend?"
Everyone joined together in hysterical laughter. "HAHAHAhAHAHAHAHAH!"
"I guess I'll see ya there!" said Jed.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAH!" everyone continued to laugh.
"I do have a girlfriend, I swear!"
"We'll see!" laughed everyone.
Nephrite and Molly were the first to arrive at the restaurant.
"Why did you sign me up for this?" barked Nephrite.
"It will be fun!" promised Molly.
"I don't think so," said Nephrite.
"Those people seemed nice! I think you're too hard on them," said Molly. "Especially that gay guy."
"Which one?" asked Nephrite.
"That one you're always bullying."
"HEY!" yelled Nephrite. "I'll have you know-"
The waiter came up. "How many in your party?" he asked.
"Well, it depends if Jadeite is man enough to show up alone. He probably won't, so I'm just gonna go ahead and get a table for nine."
"Right this way," said the waiter, bringing them to a big round table.
"Hey, by the way," said Nephrite to the waiter. "If gay people show up looking for me, tell them I'm not here."
Five seconds passed.
"And here he is," said the waiter, escorting Kunzite and Zoisite over to the table.
Zoisite was in a gown and Kunzite was in a tuxedo.
"Good evening," said Zoisite, sitting next to Nephrite.
"Alright," said Nephrite accusingly. "Why'd you two want to come?"
"What?" gasped Zoisite defensively. "Can't I just want to do stuff with my good friend Nephrite?"
"I have never bean your friend, nor you mine!" howled Nephrite.
"Nephrite!" cried Molly. "Stop being so mean! You're gonna hurt his feelings!"
"I'm telling you Molly," insisted Nephrite. "He's a bad guy!"
"Maybe you've never given him a chance!" said Molly. She turned to Kunzite and Zoisite. "I apologize for my date's rudeness."
"No problem," said Kunzite, digging in on the breadsticks.
"So what's the plan?" Zoisite whispered to him.
"Let's kill the human girl," said Kunzite. "Maybe Nephrite will kill himself."
"WHAT WAS THAT!?" barked Nephrite. "Molly, did you hear that?!"
"Nephrite, relax!" cried Molly. "We all just wanna have a fun time!"
Nephrite grumbled incoherently.
Meanwhile, Beryl was standing outside of the restaurant, pacing back and forth.
A guy walked up.
"ARE YOU SINGLE!?" screeched Beryl.
"No," said Motoki. "But I'm sure you'll find the right guy someday!"
Beryl put Motoki in an eternal sleep.
"WAAA!" cried Reika.
Beryl put Reika in an eternal sleep.
Beryl continued pacing angrily, when she tripped on something.
It was a squatting nerdboy.
"Hey! You almost scratched my binoculars!" squeaked Melvin.
Beryl went to put him in an eternal sleep, but then stopped. "Why are you looking into the restaurant with binoculars?"
"The love of my life, Mawwwwly, is in there with some loser! I must win her back!"
Suddenly, Beryl started to grin.
"Do you want me to help you make her jealous?" asked Beryl.
"You think that will work?" asked Melvin.
"I know it will! But in return, you have to help me make some teenage guy jealous!"
"How old are you?" asked Melvin.
"Only a couple thousand. Now come on!"
Beryl and Melvin approached the table.
"Melvin?" asked Molly.
"Queen Beryl?" asked Zoisite.
"Zoisite, what are you doing with that knife pointed at that human girl?" asked Beryl.
Zoisite shrunk in his seat nervously.
"Hey, you're that dweeb!" exclaimed Nephrite when he spotted Melvin. "You would really stoop this low to make Molly jealous?"
"What is that supposed to mean, Nephrite?!" howled Beryl.
"Ummm…. Nothing, my queen!"
"So, Beryl," began Zoisite. "I didn't know nerdy was your type!"
"Shut it Zoisite, or I'll put you in an eternal sleep!"
Zoisite shrunk further in his seat.
Kunzite was still gnawing on bread. "So Beryl, how long have you known this guy?"
"Ever since the Silver Millennium!" said Beryl.
"The what?" asked Melvin.
"Morton, I didn't give you permission to speak."
"It's Melvin," said Melvin.
"Can it, Martin."
Suddenly, there was a light that shone brightly through the room. In walked a mysterious figure accompanied by another figure.
The smoke cleared, and they were able to make out Jadeite.
"Jadeite…" Queen Beryl asked, her jaw on the floor. "You're… with a girlfriend?!"
The smoke cleared further.
Zoisite started to giggle. "That's no girlfriend… that's Grandpa!"
"Hey!" cried Jadeite. "That's no way to speak to a lady!"
"Howdy folks!" said Grandpa in a wig.
"So, I would like to introduce you to my girlfriend, Pauleen!" said Jadeite.
Nephrite let out a hardy laugh. "Honestly, she's a lot prettier than I thought she would be!"
"HAHAHAHA!" mocked Jadeite loudly. "It's just SOOOO funny!"
Molly elbowed Nephrite. "Nephrite! Stop being mean!"
"Yea, Nephrite. Listen to your date," added Kunzite between chomps.
"Beryl," greeted Grampa, nodding his head.
"You know him?" asked Melvin.
"It's a long story," sighed Queen Beryl.
The waiter came over. "What does everyone want to eat?"
"We're still waiting for two people," said Molly.
"Nah," said Zoisite. "It's fine. I don't think they want anything to eat anyway."
"You sure?" asked Molly.
"I'll have the shrimp cocktail," said Melvin.
"Do you serve human legs?" asked Beryl.
"No ma'am," said the waiter.
"Then I'll have the side salad."
"I just want more breadsticks," said Kunzite.
"I'll just have a 6 ounce-" began Nephrite.
"What kind of fries do you have?" interrupted Zoisite.
"Waffle and regular."
"Alright," said Nephrite. "So anyway, a six ounce sirloin-"
"Are your fries seasoned?" asked Zoisite.
"ANYWAY!" yelled Nephrite.
"They are seasoned, but you can get them without seasoning."
"Good, good," said Zoisite.
"A SIX OUNCE SIRLOIN STEAK WITH-"
"Do they cost extra without seasoning?" Zoisite continued.
"RRRRR, BACK OFF!" yelled Nephrite, standing up on his chair and howling at the moon.
Zoisite gasped and then started to cry.
"NEPHRITE!" cried Molly. "Look what you did!"
"That wasn't very kind," said Melvin.
"Stay out of this, dweeb boy!" barked Nephrite.
"Apologize," demanded Kunzite.
"Do you serve mac and cheese?" asked Jadeite.
Nephrite pounded his fist on the table. "That's it! Everyone shut up while I order!"
"This is so embarrassing," said Molly, fleeing to the bathroom.
"Now!" Kunzite whispered to Zoisite.
"I have to go to the bathroom too!" said Zoisite.
He went into the ladies' room.
"Did anyone see that?" asked Jadeite. "Should we… call the police?"
"Let bygones be bygones," said Grandpa out of the blue. "Also, I need to go as well."
He got up and also went into the ladies' room.
The waiter hesitated when Zoisite did it, but Grandpa was so obviously a man that he called security.
In the bathroom, Molly was washing her face.
"Hey there," said Zoisite. "I'm sorry your boyfriend is such a loser."
Molly sighed. "It's ok… he has a good side."
"Hmm, I don't know," said Zoisite. "He's always so cruel to me… I don't even know why! I've never started up with him, ever!"
Just then, Grandpa came in.
Molly and Zoisite screamed.
"Hey kids!" said Grandpa. "Does anyone wanna meet Grandpa Jr.?"
"I thought your name was Pauleen?" asked Molly.
"My name is anything you want it to be. So you two are both minors, right?"
"Yes…" said Molly slowly.
Zoisite nodded silently.
"Good, good," said Grandpa.
Grandpa reached for his pants zipper.
Just then, the door was busted down by security. They tackled Grandpa.
"Thanks," said Zoisite in relief.
They tackled Zoisite. They hauled them both out of the ladies' room and gave them a stern warning.
Meanwhile at the table, Jadeite was placing his order.
"How old do I have to be to order from the kids' menu?"
"12 or under," said the waiter.
"Now is that just a recommendation, or is it enforced?"
"It's enforced."
"How old do I look?" asked Jadeite.
"Not 12 or under," said the waiter.
"But I really want a grilled cheese!" cried Jadeite.
"I'll order one," said Melvin. "And you can have it."
"Awww, you'd do that for me?" asked Jadeite beaming.
"Sure thing!" said Melvin.
"Alright!" said Jadeite happily. "I'll just take a water."
Zoisite and Grandpa returned to their seats.
"Did you kill her?" asked Kunzite.
"Wait what?" asked Zoisite.
"Omg," groaned Kunzite.
"I got distracted!" cried Zoisite. "Jadeite's girlfriend almost sexually harassed me!"
"Almost?" asked Grandpa indignantly. "I would say I completed the harassment."
"Pauleen, you goober!" laughed Jadeite.
Queen Beryl was starting to get bored. "If Mamoru doesn't show up soon I'm leaving."
"Why do you need that guy?" asked Melvin. "If you were my girl, I would give you anything!"
"Listen Mario," said Beryl. "You're a good guy and all, but… you're just so ugly."
Melvin's heart split in half. "I feel constipated," he said, starting to cry.
Molly returned to her seat.
"Are you good now?" asked Nephrite.
"Why do you care?" sniffled Molly.
"Aww come on, don't be like that. If I didn't care, I would have killed all these rejects by now!" Nephrite assured her.
"Do you wanna go, buster?" asked Kunzite.
"No, but only because Molly doesn't want fighting! I'm sure I'd win though!"
"You know what?" said Molly. "You were willing to compromise for me, so I'll do the same for you. You can have your duel."
"Actually I'm fine," said Nephrite gulping down some lemon water.
"Queen Beryl?" requested Kunzite. "May I kill Nephrite? Pretty please?"
"No," said Beryl. "Not in your life, sport."
"Ok then," said Kunzite. "May I kill Molly? Pretty please with a cherry on top?"
"Go for it," said Beryl.
"WOAH WOAH WOAH!" cried Jadeite. "Don't let him kill Nephrite's date! That would make Nephrite the only single Shitennou! Because we all know I'm not single!"
"Your date is an 80 year old Grandpa," stated Beryl.
"Wait, you have kids?" asked Jadeite.
"Why yes," said Pauleen. "And grand kids!"
Jadeite gasped. "I've always wanted a family!"
Jadeite went to kiss Pauleen. Everyone covered their eyes.
Just then, Mamoru and Usagi walked up.
"Sorry we're late!" said Usagi. "We were detecting a negative presence in the area, but we couldn't seem to find where it was coming from."
Mamoru froze in his place. At the table, he spotted the entire Negaverse cast, as well as Melvin, Molly, and Rei's grandpa.
"Usagi, can I have a word with you?" asked Mamoru.
"Not now, Mamo-chan. We haven't placed our orders!"
Mamoru sat down next to Nephrite. "Umm… heyyyyyyyyyy," he said.
Nephrite nodded.
Mamoru glared across the table at Kunzite, who was returning the glare.
Sparks were flying from the mental showdown.
"Change of plans," whispered Kunzite. "We take down Chiba."
"Wait, what was that?" asked Beryl.
"Nothing, my queen," said Kunzite.
"SO, MAMORU!" shouted Beryl casually. "HAVE YOU MET MY DATE?!"
Mamoru stifled a laugh. "Is that Usagi's school nerd, I mean friend?"
"Beats me," said Queen Beryl. "But you can't have me now! I am taken! Doesn't that make you jealous?"
"No," said Mamoru. "I'm happy for you."
Queen Beryl leapt across the table at Mamoru, and Kunzite and Jadeite had to hold her back.
"Easy Beryl," said Kunzite. "Try to be more subtle."
"Hey Nephrite," asked Zoisite.
"WHAT!?" barked Nephrite.
"Wanna play 20 questions?"
Nephrite just stared at him.
"NEPHRITE!" cried Molly.
"Fine, yes," muttered Nephrite.
"Alright, I'll start," said Zoisite. "Guess what I am!"
Nephrite groaned. "Is it someone sitting at this table?"
"Yes," said Zoisite.
"Are they a male?" asked Nephrite.
"Yes," said Zoisite.
"Is it Kunzite?"
"No," said Zoisite.
"Is it a dweeb?" Nephrite asked, looking at Melvin.
"Yes," said Zoisite.
"Is it Melvin?" asked Nephrite.
"HEY!" yelled Melvin.
"No," said Zoisite.
"Huh?" asked Nephrite, befuddled. "Is it Jadeite?"
"No," said Zoisite.
"…Mamoru?"
"No."
"…Pauleen?"
"No, Pauleen is a girl."
"Then who is it?" demanded Nephrite.
"It's YOUUUUUUUU!"
Molly laughed. "That's silly!"
Mamoru let out a chuckle.
Nephrite glared at Mamoru. "I'm not having fun here," he stated.
"You need to lighten up!" said Jed. "Throw caution to the wind!"
"Take your shirt off!" suggested Pauleen.
"Can it, Grandpa," said Nephrite.
Finally, the waiter brought the food.
"Wait, I didn't get a chance to order anything!" exclaimed Mamoru.
"That's too bad," said Zoisite. "Want a ketchup packet?"
"No," said Mamoru.
"Don't worry," said Jadeite. "You can have some of my grilled cheese!"
"Thanks," said Mamoru quietly.
Everyone started eating.
Mamoru and Kunzite kept exchanging glares.
Beryl had her eyes constantly on Mamoru, and wasn't eating her salad. She licked her lips.
Zoisite hadn't touched his French fries, because he didn't even like fries. Instead, he joined Kunzite in glaring at Mamoru.
Grandpa shamelessly undressed Mamoru with his eyes.
Usagi scanned the whole table. "Where do I know these guys from?" she wondered.
Melvin just looked sadly at Molly, who looked at Nephrite, who looked suspiciously at Zoisite.
Jadeite looked at his crayon book that came with his kiddie meal. He couldn't quite connect the dots and his picture looked like a bunch of squiggly lines.
They all ate together silently for ten minutes.
Suddenly, a wild punch flew across the table. The punch belonged to Grandpa, and it hit Molly square in the face.
Nephrite flipped over the table and started throwing wild punches at everyone in his way.
Zoisite saw the opportunity and summoned a crystal behind Mamoru.
He threw it but was off by a bit so it hit Beryl. It didn't do much damage.
Beryl was mad.
"ZOISITE, WERE YOU TRYNA KILL ME!?"
"No my Queen, I was just trying to kill Mamoru!" cried Zoisite.
"THAT'S EVEN WORSE!"
Beryl picked Zoisite up and threw him into the salad bar.
Kunzite charged Nephrite, and tackled him to the floor.
"Why me?!" asked Nephrite.
"Easy target?" shrugged Kunzite.
Molly hit Kunzite over the head with a chair.
"Thanks!" said Nephrite.
"No problemo!" replied Molly. "That was fun!"
Melvin ran up and drop kicked Nephrite. It did nothing.
Nephrite picked Melvin up by the foot and held him upside-down. He started kneeing him in the head while he dangled.
Molly pushed Nephrite. "STOP!"
Nephrite automatically threw a punch, hitting Molly.
"Oops," said Nephrite.
Molly was unconscious.
Grandpa started slugging Mamoru, but Usagi backhanded him and sent him to Hell.
"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried Jadeite. Jadeite dived into Hell after Pauleen. "I won't leave you!"
Zoisite finally recovered and charged Beryl.
Beryl blocked his attack and put Zoisite in an eternal sleep.
Now Kunzite was really mad.
Kunzite stopped exchanging blows with Mamoru and charged Beryl.
Beryl saw him coming and threw a crystal, but Kunzite threw a wild breadstick that he had stashed in his tuxedo. It tore through her crystal and penetrated her heart.
She shattered into a billion pieces.
The waiter came back with the bill.
Everyone turned and charged the waiter.
Nephrite pummeled him with Melvin's corpse, and Mamoru shot a rose through his heart. He was no more.
Kunzite grabbed Nephrite with one hand and Mamoru with the other. He slammed their heads together until they were unconscious.
Melvin used the last bit of his energy to throw a punch at Kunzite.
It hit him in his weak spot, and he dissolved to dust.
"Neato!" said Melvin.
Nephrite regained consciousness just long enough to kill Melvin.
Usagi pulled out the Moon Wand and killed Nephrite.
She looked at the ruins of the restaurant, walked over to the tip jar, and left ten cents.
She went home.
FIN
