"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Can it, Jadeite, and make me a bowl of popcorn! It's movie night!" replied Beryl.

"Oh boy!" said Jadeite. "We haven't had a movie night since the Silver Millennium!"

He scurried off to make a bowl of popcorn.

Beryl pulled out her phone and called Nephrite.

"Nephrite, hop on over! We're watching a movie!"

"No way," said Nephrite.

"Nephrite, that wasn't a question."

"Well too bad, I'm not coming!"

Nephrite hung up.

Beryl redialed.

"Nephrite, I swear, if you don't come over here…"

"You'll do what?" asked Nephrite.

"I'll kill you!"

"You would have to get off your throne for that," sneered Nephrite.

"No, I killed Jadeite sitting down!"

"You raise a valid argument," considered Nephrite. "But I'm still not coming to your lair."

"Tartar sauce," said Beryl.

She hung up and called Kunzite. "Kunzite, go fetch Nephrite."

Kunzite sighed. "Zoisite, go fetch Nephrite."

"I don't know about that," said Zoisite.

"Why not?" asked Kunzite. "Nephrite's a weakling."

"Maybe for you… But compared to me, Nephrite is a superb fighter!"

"Then just annoy until him until he leaves his house!"

"AWwwwww yea!"

Zoisite appeared at Nephrite's house.

"Omnomnomnom I'm getting crumbs everywhere!" he told Nephrite while eating a crumpet.

"Go away," said Nephrite.

"Look, the ants are already coming!"

"No, stop!" cried Nephrite.

"Oops I dropped my whole crumpet on the floor! A rat's coming in to get it!"

Nephrite started crying. "My beautiful mansion! Alright, I'll do what you want!"

"Give me the Silver Crystal!"

"I don't have it," said Nephrite.

"Darnit, then go do whatever Beryl wants."

Nephrite teleported to Beryl's.

"This is for defying my orders!" howled Beryl. She fired a blast at him.

He caught it.

"That was just a warning," warned Beryl.

"You're gonna have to try harder than that," said Nephrite.

"Nah," said Beryl. "I'll let you off easy. Now go plug in my DVD player!"

Nephrite plugged in the player.

"Oh yeah," said Beryl. "I don't have a TV. Can I borrow yours?"

"Grrrrrr!" yelled Nephrite. He warped in his TV. "Be careful with it!"

"Oh yeah also we need a sofa," remembered Beryl.

"GRRRRRRRRRRRRR!" yelled Nephrite. He warped in his sofa.

"You're a good member of the team," said Beryl.

"Can it," said Nephrite.

Beryl hurled herself onto the sofa. "Come along, boys!"

Jadeite snuggled up close to Beryl.

"Jadeite, where's my popcorn?"

"Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit," cried Jadeite. He fled for the microwave.

Kunzite slid in and took a seat.

Everyone else got on Nephrite's sofa as well.

Jadeite walked back in with his head down. "The popcorn was pulverized."

Kunzite spawned in some popcorn. "Bozo," he said.

"Anyone want to buy a box of Dollar Tree candy from me?" asked Zoisite.

"Sure," said Beryl.

"That will be $4.50."

"Do you want an eternal sleep?" asked Beryl.

"I was just trying to provide the movie theater experience."

"So what are we watching?" asked Jadeite.

"It's called, the Lamp Killer!"

"Huh?" said Kunzite. "That's the lamest title I've ever heard."

"What's it about?" asked Nephrite.

"It's about a killer who uses lamps to beat people to death!"

"Oh boy!" said Zoisite. "Sounds like fun!"

"Sounds scary!" said Jadeite.

"Oh, it is," said Beryl. "It's said to be the scariest movie ever!"

Jadeite gulped.


They were 45 minutes into the movie, and Kunzite was fast asleep. Zoisite was bored out of his skull. Nephrite was chortling loudly each time someone died. Jadeite, however, was on the edge of his seat, shaking life a leaf.

Queen Beryl was staring wide-eyed in horror.

"Oh no," she gasped. The echoes of the murder victims rang in her head. "Do you see that?!" she cried. "That girl's a goner!"

"Huh?" asked Zoisite.

Beryl started to cry. "It's coming any second… I can't stand the anticipation!"

"Me neither!" cried Jadeite as the Jaws theme played in the background.

He wrapped himself around Nephrite. "Hold me!" he cried.

Nephrite slugged him. "Get your hands off me!"

Jadeite tried again.

"RRRR BACK OFF!" howled Nephrite, waking up Kunzite.

Kunzite looked around for a second, and then fell back to sleep.

"This is bad," said Beryl.

"I know, right?" said Zoisite. "This movie's awful."

"No, are you seeing what I'm seeing?!"

Jadeite put on his glasses. "I don't think so."

"That lamp… the girl doesn't see it yet, but it's unplugged!"

"So?" asked Nephrite.

"So?!" replied Beryl in dismay. "So it's still on, even though it's unplugged!"

"So?" repeated Nephrite.

"THAT'S THE SIGNATURE MOVE OF THE LAMP KILLER! SHE'S A GONER!"

Right on cue, the Lamp Killer burst in and beat the girl to death with the lamp.

Nephrite let out a hardy laugh. "LMAOOOOO what a joke!" he slapped his knee.

Jadeite and Beryl screamed. "DID YOU HEAR THAT?!"

"That was me slapping my knee!" explained Nephrite.

"Jadeite, quick!" cried Beryl. "Make sure all our lamps are plugged in."

"Yessir!" yelled Jadeite. Three minutes later he returned. "Queen Beryl… we don't have any lamps!"

"Good, good!" said Beryl. "But wait! The TV produces light!"

"So?" asked Zoisite.

"So, it can double as a lamp! Quick, Jadeite, check if it's plugged in!"

Jadeite threw himself on the floor. "We're all good, my queen!"

"I don't trust it!" howled Beryl. "It can unplug itself any minute! Dispose of it at once!"

Nephrite was laughing hysterically at their pathetic display. Then he stopped. "Hey, wait, what are you doing with my TV?!"

Jadeite threw it out the window.

"WTF!" yelled Nephrite. "That's it, I'm going home!"

"I was watching that," said Zoisite sadly.

Kunzite awoke then. "Yeah this is lame, let's go."

They all went home.


Beryl brushed her teeth and then went into her bedroom.

"Haha, a lamp killer. How silly," she told herself.

She laid down in her bed and put the blankets on. "I don't see why anyone thinks that movie is scary!"

She turned off her bedside table lamp.

She was silent for a few moments.

Then she turned it back on and frantically checked to see if it was still plugged in.

"Phew," she said.

She tried to go to sleep.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" she screamed. She threw herself onto the ground and started spazzing out. In her ruckus, she knocked the lamp off the table.

She reached for the phone to call the Shitennou. But instead of grabbing the telephone, she found herself face to face with an unplugged lamp.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGHGHGHGHGHGHAHAGHAHGAHNGAHHAGHAGH!"

She warped to her throne room and teleported everyone in at once.

"What do you want, Beryl?" yawned Zoisite angrily. "It's 2AM!"

Nephrite was still sound asleep on the floor.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Jadeite, startled by the sudden teleport. "IT'S THE LAMP KILLER!"

He threw a punch at Kunzite. It had no effect.

"No Jadeite, it's not the Lamp Killer!" said Beryl. "Not yet…"

Kunzite sighed. "Please tell me you're not scared of that joke of a movie."

Beryl started sweating.

"LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL SHE IS!" yelled Zoisite.

"Zoisite, you'd be dead right now if I didn't need all the protection I could get from the Lamp Killer!"

"LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!" laughed Zoisite.

Nephrite woke up and started to chuckle. "Let me guess."

"No, no guessing!" shouted Beryl. "I just want to get some sleep. Once it's day again, I'll realize this whole thing is just nonsense. It's just my tiredness playing tricks on me, that's all!"

"Lol what?" asked Kunzite.

"Guard me while I sleep!" howled Beryl. "There's only four hours until the North Pole sun rises, so that's an hour of guarding for each of you. Once day breaks, we're in the clear, for the Lamp Killer only attacks at night!"

Beryl dragged her first victim, Kunzite, into her bedroom.

"Watch me sleep!" she howled, drifting off.

Kunzite hopped on a stool. "I won't let you down."

Kunzite's hour passed, and Kunzite woke up. "Crap, did I fall asleep? Is Beryl okay?"

He turned around and heard Beryl's snoring. "Good, good," said Kunzite. He got up and left.

Nephrite tagged in.

He sat down and texted Molly. "Hey girl… u up?"

"I am now," replied Molly after ten minutes.

"Watcha up to?" texted Nephrite.

"Well, I was sleeping," said Molly.

"Oh. Cool," said Nephrite. "Have you ever seen the Lamp Killer?"

"No," replied Molly.

"Good, you shouldn't," said Nephrite. "It's bad."

"Now I'm kind of curious," was Molly's response.

"No, don't do it," replied Nephrite. "It's a waste of an hour and a half."

Nephrite and Molly texted for a full hour. Once his time was up, he let out a groan. "I'm going back to bed."

Zoisite came in. "Would Beryl know if I just went home?"

"Yes," said Beryl in her sleep.

"Uh oh," said Zoisite.

He sat on the stool.

"Kunzite, you up?" he texted.

There was no response.

"Kunzite?" he texted again.

"Kunzite?" he texted again.

Finally after 25 texts, Kunzite responded.

"What?" he texted.

"Are you asleep?" texted Zoisite.

"Yes," said Kunzite. He blocked Zoisite's number and went back to bed.

Zoisite spent the rest of his shift playing Angry Birds.

"Good luck Jed," he said, passing Jadeite on the way out.

Jadeite was still shaking. "I will protect my queen!" he vowed.

He went in and sat down.

He looked around nervously.

"It's okay Jed, nothing will happen," Jadeite told himself. "Only one hour until daybreak… there's no way the Lamp Killer would cut it this close! Besides, I made sure to throw out all the lamps Beryl had in here!"

Suddenly, Jadeite turned around and saw a lamp he had never seen before.

"No…" he said, his body going cold. All the color drained from his face. "I… I know I threw them all out! I checked twice!"

Suddenly, the light flashed on. But there was no cord!

"No… no…. no… NO….. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Jadeite ran out the door screaming.

Beryl stirred in her sleep but did not awake.

Jadeite was running down the Negaverse hall, when another lamp appeared in front of him.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" yelled Jadeite. He burst into tears.

He started rolling around on the ground crying.

"HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!" laughed Zoisite. "I got you good, man! Smile for YouTube!"

Jadeite started crying even more.

"Ok now I kind of feel bad," said Zoisite. "Will you stop crying if I promise not to put it on YouTube?"

"Maybe," sniffled Jadeite.

"There, there," said Zoisite.

Nephrite and Kunzite appeared then.

"I heard Jadeite screaming from my Earth house," said Nephrite. "Is he okay? Not that I care."

"I think so…" said Zoisite. "Right, Jadeite?"

Jadeite continued to sob.

They stood Jadeite up.

"Come on, Jadeite, there's no Lamp Killer! It's just a movie!" reassured Kunzite.

"I guess you're right," sniffled Jadeite. "We should go check on Beryl though… she'll be mad if she sees us not in there."

They walked in Beryl's room and gasped.

She was being beaten to death by a man with a lamp.

"AHHHHHHH!" cried Jadeite. He fled.

"That's it!" yelled Kunzite, charging.

He slugged the Lamp Killer, but the Lamp Killer smacked him with a lamp.

Kunzite went flying and hit the wall painfully.

"What's in that lamp?!" he groaned. "Barbells?!"

Nephrite went up and drop-kicked the Lamp Killer.

The Lamp Killer absorbed it with a lamp and then made Nephrite suffer a similar fate to Kunzite.

While the Lamp Killer was distracted, Zoisite teleported behind him and pulled off his mask.

"GRANDPA?!" yelled Zoisite

"Aww shucks," said Grandpa. "Ya got me. I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling Negaverse!"

"Well, I'm just relieved that it was you, and not an actual killer," said Zoisite.

"That's where you're wrong," said a mysterious voice.

They all turned and saw a lamp sitting there. It was on, but it was not plugged in.

"Zoisite, it's not funny!" sighed Jadeite, reentering.

"It's not me!" cried Zoisite.

"Grandpa, it's not funny!" sighed Jadeite.

"It's not me!" exclaimed Grandpa.

Suddenly, the lamp flung itself at Jadeite. It wrapped its cord around his neck and started choking him.

"NOOOOO!" yelled Jadeite.

Zoisite tried to cut the lamp cord, but only got electrocuted and flung into Grandpa.

"Yuck," said Zoisite.

"Mmmmmm," said Grandpa.

Nephrite ripped the lamp off Jadeite with brute strength.

"Thanks!" said Jadeite.

Jadeite and Nephrite delivered many blows to the lamp, and Kunzite finished it off.

"Now let's see who's under that lamp shade," said Kunzite, taking off its lamp shade.

"BERYL!?" everyone gasped.

"I can explain," said Beryl. "Everyone doubted me and made fun of me."

"I didn't!" cried Jadeite.

"You're nothing," said Beryl.

Jadeite frowned.

"I just wanted to be right and prove you all wrong," sighed Beryl.

"Then that means…" they said, taking off the mask of the Beryl that was in the bed.

"GRANDPA?!" they gasped.

"Then that means…"

They took off Grandpa's mask, revealing a cross-eyed lobster.

The lobster shrugged.

"Are you mad at me?" Beryl asked, ashamed.

"I mean, kind of," said Zoisite.

"Nah," said Kunzite. "We forgive you."

"Really?" asked Beryl.

"No," said Kunzite.

He charged Beryl.

FIN