"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Well, Jadeite-"

Suddenly, there was a rumbling coming from outside.

"Is that an earthquake?" asked Beryl in shock.

"Up in the North Pole?" exclaimed Jadeite.

Just then, the palace doors swung open, and Kunzite road in on a huge wave. His surf board slid across the ground until he was standing up next to Jadeite.

"What's up, my dudes?" asked Kunzite.

"WTF?!" demanded Beryl.

"That's gnarly, brah!" replied Kunzite.

"What's gotten into you?" asked Beryl.


Earlier that day…

"It's over for you, Sailor Scouts!" howled Kunzite. He started throwing boomerangs like a wild-man. He took out Ami.

"Hand over the Silver Crystal!" Kunzite shouted.

"Not in your life, surfer boy!" yelled Sailor Jupiter.


"So yeah, I decided to embrace my life as a surfer boy," explained Kunzite. "Because ya know, that insult really hit home."

"That's so cool," said Jadeite, his eyes huge. "I want to be like you someday."

"Maybe when you're older, kiddo," said Kunzite.

Jadeite's eyes turned into hearts and then he floated two feet off the ground.

"That's great and all," said Queen Beryl. "But you still need to get that Silver Crystal! Also, you have to come to my Bingo game this afternoon."

"Sorry," said Kunzite. "But not sorry. The waves are calling me. I have to win the surfing championship!"

Another wave flew in and casted Kunzite away.

"That was weird," said Beryl.

"That was awesome," said Jadeite.

"Do you want an eternal sleep?" asked Beryl.

"Would that make Kunzite think I'm cool?" asked Jadeite.

"No."

"Then, no thanks!"

Just then, Zoisite teleported in in a frenzy.

"Have any of you seen Kunzite?! He's been gone for three days!"

"He's one with the waves now," explained Jadeite.

Zoisite fell to the ground. "NOoooooooOOOO!"


Meanwhile, Kunzite stood in line for the surfing tournament.

"You won't be able to pull off a hang 10," said a voice. "I bet you can't even hang five!"

"Who said that?!" howled Kunzite. He spun around and spotted none other than Mamoru R. Chiba.

"CHIBAAAA!" Kunzite barked.

"KUNZIIIIIIITE!" howled Mamoru.

They had a stare down, as lightning sparked between their eyes.

"You don't stand a chance, Tuxedo Moron!" yelled Kunzite.

"Can it, blondie!" yelled Mamoru.

Kunzite was stumped. "I thought… I thought my hair was white…"

He sat down in the sand while Mamoru gloated.

"Up next… number 24!" called the announcer.

Kunzite stepped forward.

"Break a leg," suggested Mamoru.

"I'll break one of yours!" barked Kunzite.

"I'll tell Beryl on you, if you do that," warned Mamoru.

Kunzite sat back down in the sand.


"Do you think this dress makes my butt look big?" asked Beryl, stepping out of the mall dressing room.

"Yes," said Zoisite.

Nephrite nudged him.

Queen Beryl gasped.

"What?!" cried Zoisite. "I thought you wanted to know honestly! There are many better options for you to buy!"

Everyone stared at Zoisite, while tension loomed in the air.

"Ok fine, you look great in it!" Zoisite lied.

"Thank you," said Beryl, putting down her ball.

"I'll take 20," she told the clerk.

They left the store with five bags of the same terrible outfit.

"Carry my bags!" she barked.

"Why do we have to!?" cried Jadeite in dismay. "We can warp them back to the palace!"

Queen Beryl sighed. "With Kunzite gone, I need someone to be my yesman. That comes with carrying my bags so I look rich to all the other mall-goers."

"Yeah, I get that," said Jadeite. "But-"

"No buts!" howled Beryl. "Now let's go to Build-a-Bear Workshop!"

Nephrite, Jadeite, and Zoisite all trudged behind Beryl carrying three bags each.


Kunzite jumped on his ten foot long surfboard and swam into the water. The judges all watched him intensely. As he swam towards where the waves were forming, he felt his surfboard being weighed down.

He turned to see Mamoru lounging on the back of it.

"Mind if I catch a ride?" asked Mamoru.

Kunzite pushed him off.

"AHHHH MY TUXEDO GOT WET!" cried Mamoru. "And the water's cold!"

"Haha," laughed Kunzite. He swam away.

He waited out there for 50 minutes, but there were no waves. The judges were getting sleepy.


Queen Beryl took her seat next to the Shitennou holding a large popcorn and a soda the size of Chibi-usa.

"So what are we watching?" asked Jadeite.

"And why do we have to come?" complained Zoisite.

"It's this drama about this guy who has his whole family die and then he dies," explained Beryl. "It's really sad."

"Sounds hilarious!" chortled Nephrite.

"And I need you guys to pass me tissues whenever I start to cry because movies like this always make me tear up."

"Just thinking about it is already making me start to cry," whimpered Jadeite, wiping his eyes with a tissue.

"Grow a backbone!" barked Nephrite, punching Jadeite in the arm.

He started sobbing more.

"STOP USING ALL MY TISSUES!" howled Beryl.

The movie began and Queen Beryl shushed them, despite her being the one screaming at the top of her lungs.

"So who's the girl?" asked Beryl.

"How would we know?" asked Zoisite.

"Aren't you paying attention?" demanded Beryl.

"Aren't you?" asked Zoisite.

Queen Beryl picked up her ball, and it started to light up.

"Hey, turn off your phone!" yelled someone from behind.

Beryl turned to the guy and lifted her ball. She put him in an eternal sleep.

"Wait, what happened while I was distracted?" asked Beryl.

"Nothing," said Nephrite.

"I don't think it was nothing. Who's this new guy?"

"They didn't explain yet," said Nephrite. "She's just meeting him."

"So something did happen, you lying scum!" yelled Beryl.

"No," said Jadeite. "It's still happening."

"Who's the girl?" repeated Beryl.

"It's the same one," said Zoisite.

"Which one?"

"The one from the beginning. The main character."

"What's her name?"

"They haven't said yet."

"Is she the one that dies?" asked Beryl.

"We don't know yet," repeated Nephrite.

"PAY ATTENTION!" she howled. "Also, my popcorn doesn't have enough butter. Can you go complain for me?"

All three Shitennou sighed.


It's been three hours, and there still hadn't been a wave.

Kunzite floated in the water.

"The surfer's life is all it cracked up to be," he said confidently.

Just then, he felt a bob in the water.

"Is this… is this what I think it is?!"

In the distance, he could barely make out the beginning of a wave.

"This is my chance!" exclaimed Kunzite. "Judges, wake up!"

He hopped on his surfboard, ready to ride the wave.

He started doggy paddling towards it.

Suddenly, the wave reached its peak and rose 50 feet in the air.

"AWWW YEAAAA!" yelled Kunzite. He hopped on his board and started riding the wave like a pro.

But just then, a new rival approached him. It was none other than Chiba.

"Hey, can I cop some wave?" called Mamoru.

"NO!" howled Kunzite. "Stealing a man's wave is worse than stealing his mother!"

"It's okay, because I've done both!" taunted Chiba.

"CHIBAAAAAAAA!" yelled Kunzite.

He tilted his board towards Chiba, and slowly drifted towards him.

Mamoru did crazy flips on his board to avoid being knocked off.

The judges all applauded him.

"NO!" cried Kunzite. "He's stealing my wave, and my audience!"

Kunzite body-slammed him, and Mamoru almost fell off his surfboard. But instead, he caught himself on his hands, and did a handstand while hanging 10.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried Kunzite.

He lunged off his board at Mamoru in an attempt to tackle him down. But Mamoru was too swift, and leaped over Kunzite and onto his board.

Kunzite was confused when he found himself standing on Mamoru's board, but then he spotted Mamoru on his own board doing a head-spin while riding the wave.

He tossed a boomerang at Mamoru, splitting the board in two.

But unfortunately, the board was already 10 ft long, so Mamoru continued riding on a 5 ft chunk. This allowed him to be even more nimble.

As they continued to battle for the wave, the form of a shark appeared in the wave's arc.


Queen Beryl stared angrily at her Bingo card. "They're not calling my numbers!" she scolded.

"I'm sorry," said Jadeite, adjusting his visor. "But there's nothing we can do!"

"That's because you're bad!" howled Beryl. "When Kunzite was here, he would use magic to pull out all the number balls I needed! You should do the same!"

"Ok…" said Nephrite, taking a go at it.

"First, I need B6," said Beryl.

Nephrite concentrated very hard, and tried to locate the B6 ball in the machine. When he thought he had it, he pushed it towards the bottom, but it accidentally pushed out a different ball.

"I26!" yelled the bingo guy.

"NEPHRITE!" cried Beryl. "You're lucky that I needed that one too, but this is your final warning."

"UNO!" cried Jadeite on Beryl's behalf.

"Can it," yelled Beryl. "You're embarrassing me in front of the guys!"

She nervously shot a glance towards the hunksters at the other table.

"Now get me B6, and I will win," said Beryl.

Nephrite was incredibly careful this time, and made sure only the one ball came out.

"B9!" called the Bingo guy.

"Shit!" cried Nephrite. "It looked like B6 from over here!"

"SON OF A BERYL!" howled Beryl.

"BINGO!" yelled Motoki, who was playing at a nearby table.

Beryl shot him dead.

"LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO!" she yelled.

Everyone started to panic. They all made a break for the exit.

"Great, now we have to kill all these people," said Beryl sadly.

"Awww!" cried Jadeite, tears forming in his eyes. "This reminds me of that movie we just saw!"

Nephrite charged the gang of people in the bingo place with a sword, and started stabbing them one by one.

A couple of them slipped under the radar, and Beryl got mad.

"Jadeite! Zoisite! Hunt them down!" shouted Beryl.

They teleported after the people. But they were all scattered now.

"Crap, which ones are which!?" cried Jadeite.

"I guess we have to kill everyone!" cried Zoisite.

Zoisite started throwing crystals at everyone in his sight.

"I can't!" cried Jadeite. "The movie!"

Zoisite slapped Jadeite. "Get a hold of yourself!"

Suddenly the police showed up.

"Oh boy," groaned Zoisite, spawning a bundle of crystals.


"I never liked you, Mamoru!" yelled Kunzite as they battled.

"Of all my Moon Kingdom guardians, you were the worst!" yelled Mamoru.

"How dare you! Wait what?!" asked Kunzite.

Suddenly the shark leapt out of the water.

"Oh no! It demands a human sacrifice!" cried Mamoru.

Kunzite pushed Mamoru into the shark and fled on the wave. He hung 10 all the way to shore, and slid across the sand.

"DID YOU GUYS SEE THAT?!" he yelled.

The judges were asleep.

He snatched the trophy from under their noses and went home.

"I'm da real surfer boy!" he told himself.


Kunzite walked into Beryl's lair. "So yeah, I guess I finally got that out of my system," he said.

He turned to see all the Shitennou laying on the ground, covered in blood and exhausted.

"What were you guys doing?!" he wondered.

"Kunzite!" cried Zoisite. "Beryl made us do all your work while you were living the surfer boy dream!"

"Aww shucks," said Kunzite. "Was I really gone for that long?"

"You were gone for eight hours," said Jadeite.

"Well, you know what they say," said Kunzite. "Don't trust a noob to do a surfer boy's work!"

A wave flew in and washed away Kunzite.

"Ok guys, who's ready to brush my teeth?" asked Beryl.

Jadeite died, and Nephrite and Zoisite fled and were never seen again.