"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"
"Jadeite."
"Yes, me queen?"
"Can you do me a huuuuuuuuge favor?"
"Anything for you, Queen Beryl."
"Alrighty then. I want you to…"
Jadeite waited patiently.
"SLEEP FOREVER!"
Queen Beryl fired a quick eternal sleep attack, but Jadeite was on his top game and quickly leapt out of the way.
"WHY BERYL WHY!"
"Because you can't take out three teenage girls!" howled Beryl.
"Actually, there's five of them now," explained Jadeite. "And the outers. And Sailor Moon's daughter…"
"WTF JADEITE!" yelled Beryl. "You're so incompetent!"
"Hey!" said Jadeite defensively. "I was only directly responsible for the first three! I don't remember when the others came in, it must have been while I was in that coma."
"Heh heh," laughed Beryl nervously. "That 'coma.'"
"All I'm saying is," continued Jadeite. "If you sent out Kunzite when there were only three,"
Beryl shot another eternal sleep attack, but Jadeite side-stepped.
"That draws the line!" decided Beryl. "Not just for your incompetence, but for dodging my attacks! Go visit Queen Metalia instance!"
"M-m-m—m-m-m-mm-m-m-Met- wait who?" asked Jadeite.
"Oh wait, you were sleeping eternally during the part where she was introduced as well," remembered Beryl.
"Wait," said Jadeite slowly. "I thought I was in a coma…?"
"Uh oh," said Beryl. "Anyway, go down the hall and take a left. I'll inform her of what must be done."
Jadeite hesitantly headed down the hall and took a left. Every step felt like he was carrying 100 pounds, and that weight was getting heavier by the second.
He passed Nephrite on the way, standing by the soda machine.
"What the heck!?" cried Nephrite. "This thing took my dollar but didn't give me a soda!"
He started kicking the machine. "Oh hey Jed, the soda machine's broke so you might as well head back."
"I'm here to see some Metalia guy," Jadeite explained.
Nephrite went white. "Goodbye, Jadeite. You will always hold a special place in my heart."
"What do you think they're gonna do to me?" asked Jadeite, shaking.
"All I know," said Nephrite, "Was that the fifth Shitennou, Pablo, went in there 20 years ago."
"And what happened to him?" asked Jadeite.
"We don't know. He was never seen again."
Jadeite was now shaking like a leaf, almost vibrating.
"So," said Nephrite. "Can I have your Netflix membership?"
"Sorry," said Jadeite. "I already promised that Zoisite could have it."
"DAMMIT!" cried Nephrite. "Well can I at least have your shirt? Red is so much cooler than yellow."
"Back off!" yelled Jadeite.
He entered Metalia's room.
"Hello?" he called. "Queen Metalia?"
The giant blob near the wall greeted him.
"Who said that?" he called. "Where are you?!"
"Over here," said Metalia.
"Where!?" cried Jadeite. "All I see is a blob! And an ugly one at that!"
Metalia narrowed her eyes that didn't exist.
"Oh," realized Jadeite. "My apologies, Madame. So, Queen Metalia, me boy! I know you'll just let me off with a warning, right? Ya know, cuz you're cool, unlike that loser Beryl!"
"Sit down on this stone bed," instructed Metalia.
"Uh oh," said Jadeite. But he had no choice. He went to sit down.
"Huh?" he asked. "Why is Mamoru here? And why is he nude?"
"We're… um…" stuttered Metalia. "It was Beryl's idea."
Metalia tossed Mamoru into the abyss. "Now take your seat."
Jadeite lied down. "You're not gonna undress me, are you?" he asked nervously.
"Nope," said Metalia.
Jadeite let out a sigh of relief.
"I'm just gonna re-brainwash you."
"You're gonna what!?" howled Jadeite. "Wait a second… re-brainwash?!"
"There's no point in explaining it because I'm about to wipe your memory," laughed Metalia. "But it's a good story."
"Tartar sauce," said Jadeite remorsefully. "Wait, can you keep the memory of that one time I actually succeeded?"
"I'm sorry but I can't," said Metalia. "Because there isn't one."
"Tartar sauce," repeated Jadeite.
He decided he might as well try and make a break for it, but Metalia warped him back.
He started running again but his vision got foggy. He fell on the floor, and that was the last thing he remembered.
"Queen Beryl," said Jadeite apathetically. "I found a new source of energy or whatever."
"Jadeite," said Beryl. "How do you feel?"
"I don't," responded Jadeite.
"Good, good!" exclaimed Beryl. "Now tell me all about that new source!"
"Well," began Jadeite.
Zoisite teleported in. "Oh boy, is this week's episode of 'Jadeite's Ridiculous Plans' finally airing? I swear, if it's a rerun again…"
Zoisite turned to Jadeite, but Jadeite continued to face Beryl.
Zoisite tried again. "Jadeite, I saw your girlfriend at the supermarket! She told me she didn't exist! And that even if she did, she'd be really ugly!"
"As I was saying," continued Jadeite. "According to my research, humans expend a lot of energy in-"
"WHAT THE HELL?!" cried Zoisite. "What's up with you? Usually you would be full of rage or self-loathing by now! What's going on?!"
"Zoisite, I re-hypnotized him to be a competent worker," explained Beryl.
"Wait, he was hypnotized?" asked Zoisite in shock. "Am I hypnotized?!"
"Watch it," warned Beryl. "Before I re-hypnotize you too!"
Zoisite shut his mouth and left to rethink everything he knew about his life.
Jadeite went to continue explaining his source, but suddenly Zoisite reappeared with Nephrite and Kunzite.
"Beryl!" cried Nephrite. "Did you hypnotize us?!"
"I always wondered why I don't remember anything from before that day I woke up Metalia's room!" yelled Kunzite. "Explain what's going on!"
"Alright listen guys," said Beryl. "I may or may not have hypnotized you. But either way, you're better off here than being Mamoru's guardians."
"HUUUWWUUUUUUUT!?" cried Nephrite.
"HUUUWWUUUUUUUT!?" cried Kunzite.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried Zoisite.
Queen Beryl sighed. "I knew this day would come. So yeah, you guys were like basically Mamoru Chiba's slaves, and I saved you! You owe me your lives!"
"That doesn't sound right," said Kunzite.
"Well it is! And I also gave you all a power-up with dark energy, formally known as Nega-power!"
"Wait," said Nephrite. "How come you didn't give us equal amounts of dark energy? Why is Kunzite stronger than me? And why is Zoisite so weak?"
"Hey," objected Zoisite. "It's not all about physical strength. Mental strength is just as important!"
"I also gave some of you more mental strength than others," added Beryl.
"Why didn't you just give us equal strength?" asked Nephrite again.
"Well… some of you are more… valuable… members of the team than others…," she said looking at Zoisite. "But it was nothing personal! Oh, and that reminds me. Since we got more energy now thanks to Molly's love energy, the only energy we achieved all season, besides that time Jadeite got some from the gym…"
"Queen Beryl, you're rambling," reminded Kunzite.
"Oh yeah, yeah. The point being, I gave Jadeite 5X more power than before."
"HUUUUWUUUUT?!" cried Kunzite. "Why didn't you give that to me?"
"You're just lucky I didn't give more to the enemy, AKA Mamoru Chiba!" replied Beryl.
"But Beryl, you gave him 90% of our energy!" complained Nephrite. "Especially that second time you hypnotized him!"
"Can it!" barked Beryl.
"My Queen," interrupted Jadeite. "May I be dismissed to carry out my plan?"
"Go," said Beryl.
"Yes, my queen."
He teleported away so powerfully that he others were knocked back.
"NO FAIR!" cried Kunzite. "I'VE TRAINED MY WHOLE LIFE!"
Jadeite reported back 10 seconds later with a ball of energy the size of the moon.
"YES! YESSsSSSSSSSSSSSSS!" cried Beryl. She started giggling like a madman, and Jadeite tossed her the energy.
"You've finally succeeded Jadeite! After all these years!" she howled. Tears of joy fell from her eyes.
"That's not all," continued Jadeite.
He passed Beryl the Silver Crystal.
Her eyes grew 20x their size. "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!" she squealed.
"Hey!" yelled Zoisite. "Getting the Silver Crystal is my job!"
"Well you just got fired!" howled Beryl, unable to contain her emotions.
"There is no reason to be competitive," stated Jadeite in a robot-like voice. "The Negaverse will benefit regardless of who was the one to retrieve it. I share my victory with all of you."
"No, no, no!" yelled Nephrite. "I WANT THE VICTORY!"
"Does this mean we all have nothing left to do?" asked Kunzite. "Like, what happens once we take over the world?"
"Jadeite will be my right hand man," said Beryl.
Kunzite scowled.
"But then what?" asked Zoisite. "Will we just kill everything?"
"Yes," said Beryl. "The whole world will be the Negaverse."
"But the Negaverse sucks!" yelled Zoisite. "What's our motivation?"
"That's it, Zoisite!" yelled Beryl. "Go visit Metalia, right now!"
"NEVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!" cried Zoisite. "Never!"
Zoisite teleported away.
Beryl turned to Nephrite and Kunzite.
They also teleported away.
All three appeared in Nephrite's earth home.
"We're safe here," said Nephrite.
"Not exactly," said Zoisite. "I may have taken out many online loans under this address. The loan sharks will be here any minute."
"Oh no!" said Nephrite. "No, but the real threat is Jadeite! If he keeps this up, we're actually going to take over the world!"
"NO!" cried Zoisite. "I was just planning on stalling until Beryl died! If the Negaverse actually wins, there will be nothing left to do! Beryl will just get bored and kill us all! And we can't even escape, because everywhere will be the Negaverse!"
"She could try," scoffed Nephrite, rolling up his sleeves.
"Well, I'm not going to wait to see," said Kunzite.
"I thought you were one of the few who actually wanted to see the world turned into darkness?" asked Nephrite.
"I was just saying that because Beryl was watching," said Kunzite. "I would actually prefer to get a condo with Zoisite on the beach in Florida.
"That settles it!" exclaimed Zoisite. "We have to stop Jadeite!"
They teleported to the Negaverse energy vault.
"We must let out all of the energy Jadeite collected," explained Kunzite.
"Alright, open it, Nephrite!" said Zoisite.
"No way!" said Nephrite. "It might sound an alarm! You open it!"
"Nephrite, if you don't open it, I'll kill Molly," threatened Zoisite.
"Alright, alright," sighed Nephrite. "I'll be the bigger man here."
He opened the vault. Out jumped Jadeite. He karate chopped Nephrite in half and he died.
"J-j-j-j—j-j—j-j-j-j-j-j-j-j-j-Jadeite!" cried Zoisite. "What were you doing in there?!"
"Storing more energy," said Jadeite. "This stuff is a joke to collect. The reason why the rest of you are unable to perform such an amateur task eludes me."
"That's it," said Kunzite. "You think you're hot stuff, just because Beryl gave you some physical strength?"
"She didn't just give me physical strength," stated Jadeite. "She gave me all around competence. Which is what sets me apart from a novice like you."
Kunzite was steamed. He charged and threw a wild punch. Jadeite teleported with a flurry of smoke, bewildering Kunzite.
Unfortunately, Kunzite was all brawn and no brains, so he was unable to defeat Jadeite's tactical strategies.
Jadeite flew out of nowhere and kicked Kunzite into the wall, leaving a big body-sized indent.
"That's it, Jadeite!" yelled Zoisite. "You may be strong, but I know you're not very sharp!"
Zoisite spawned a crystal behind Jadeite. "Let's settle this in a fair 1v1," he challenged.
"Alright," said Jadeite.
Zoisite threw the crystal and it hit Jadeite square in the neck.
Jadeite didn't even flinch.
Zoisite decided his only option was to try hand-to-hand combat.
He spawned a crystal in each of his hands and charged Jadeite like a samurai.
He swung his blades rapidly, but Jadeite overpowered him, and Zoisite was pushed back.
"We can't win like this!" cried Kunzite. "I'm all brawn and no brains and you're all brains and no brawn! But Jadeite had well-rounded skill! We must flee!"
Zoisite and Kunzite fled.
Queen Beryl was steamed when she found out what the Shitennou had attempted to do.
She decided to sentence them to death for treason. She sent her best forces after them, AKA Jadeite.
They were all forced to hide out in Nephrite's earth house again.
"I think we're safe in here," said Zoisite. "Jadeite is smart enough to know not to let his emotions control him. He won't seek pointless revenge on us."
"I hope so," said Nephrite. He was in a body cast on the sofa.
"Mind putting on something good?" he asked.
"This is something good," said Zoisite.
"This is just bad anime!" howled Nephrite. "Change it, change it!"
"Sorry, I don't have the remote," said Zoisite.
"It's right over there!" yelled Nephrite.
"Where?" asked Zoisite. "You need to point to it!"
Nephrite was stumped. "When I get out of this body cast, I swear!"
Just then, Jadeite burst through the wall and karate chopped Nephrite in half and he died.
"WHAT?!" yelled Zoisite. "I thought you could only find us in the Negaverse!"
"I'm not stupid," said Jadeite. "I knew to go to the only creepy mansion in Tokyo."
"Dammit!" said Zoisite. "He knows us too well!"
Kunzite squared up to fight again.
"We can't fight him!" said Zoisite.
"I know that," said Kunzite. "Just run as far as you can. I can hold him off for a good two minutes."
"No!" cried Zoisite. "There has to be another way!"
"There isn't one," stated Kunzite sadly. "We both lack important skills that we are unable to beat Jadeite without."
"Wait!" realized Zoisite. "I learned this from the anime I was just watching that Nephrite didn't have good enough taste for! We must do the fusion dance!"
"Uh oh," said Kunzite. "I can't dance."
"You're just gonna have to try!"
Kunzite and Zoisite did the fusion dance, and combined into one person.
"You shall call me Kunzoi!" announced the Kunzite-Zoisite fusion.
"Oh no!" said Jadeite. "They are now the perfect soldier! Both smart and powerful!"
He took a deep breath. "But so am I!"
He charged them.
Kunzoi threw a crystal to the side of Jadeite, and he quickly side-stepped to avoid it.
But when he turned around, they were behind him, and since he had already used his side-step, he had no other option but to take a hard karate to the neck, knocking him unconscious.
Jadeite woke up in the hospital.
"Huh?" he asked. He turned and saw Nephrite next to him in an extra-thick body cast.
At the foot of his bed were Kunzite, Zoisite, and Beryl.
"Jadeite," said Queen Beryl. "How do you feel?"
"Peachy!" hollered Jadeite in an outdoor voice. "Hey, hey Beryl me boy! While I was out, I had this crazy dream, and I came up with a new source of energy! We're gonna use planes, ok? And we're gonna take energy only from people in love! But that's not all! We'll also make them run on a treadmill and ride my cruise ship! Oh, I know, they'll ride treadmills ON the cruise ship! That saves the whole plot where I have to dress up as a gym teacher and then a boat man, since I'll just be both!"
"Dammit!" cried Beryl. "He's un-hypnotized. Well not really, but he's un-hypnotized from the most recent hypnotism."
Nephrite awoke soon as well.
"I… I think I'm un-hypnotized too!" he said slowly.
"What?" asked Beryl, confused. "I didn't re-hypnotize you like I did Jadeite, so what's going on?"
"Endymion? Where's Prince Endymion?! I need to protect him!" cried Nephrite.
"Ohhhhhh no," said Zoisite.
"Zoisite, my fellow guardian!" Nephrite exclaimed. "Let's go do our duty and protect Mamoru Chiba! Oh wait, his name isn't Mamoru Chiba anymore!"
"No thanks," said Zoisite.
But Nephrite grabbed him and teleported him to the Moon to save Prince Endymion from the wrath of evil Queen Beryl.
"So," said Jadeite. "What do you think of my plan, Beryl?"
Queen Beryl's eye twitched. "Honestly, I think I'm just gonna have Metalia erase all my memory of the last few weeks. See you all next Thursday!"
"Bai!" called Jadeite.
Suddenly Grandpa appeared with a stopwatch. "Did someone say hypnotism? I can hypnotize people to! Who wants me to make them do craaaaaaaazy things?" asked Grandpa with a wink.
"Back off, Grandpa!" yelled Kunzite.
"Ok, ok," said Grandpa, swinging his watch from side to side.
Kunzite started to get sleepy.
"You are now going to take your clothes off," commanded Grandpa.
FIN
