"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"
"Sorry, but Beryl isn't in today," said a familiar voice. "I'm filling in for her."
"Gr-gr-gr-gr-grg-gran-gran-gr-Grandpa?!" howled Jadeite.
"The one and only!" said Grandpa. "Well I mean there are other grandpas, but I'm THE grandpa."
"Ok THE grandpa, I found a new source of energy!" continued Jadeite.
"Please," interrupted Grandpa. "Call me Grand Master Poohbah"
"Ok Grand Master Poohbah," began Jadeite.
"HAHAHAHAHAHHAAH HE ACTUALLY DID IT!" howled Grandpa with laughter.
Jadeite chuckled as well because he felt awkward and wanted to fit in.
"Jadeite!" howled Grandpa. "Do you want an eternal sleep?"
"No thank you," said Jadeite fearfully.
"Ok, have a good day," said Grandpa.
"But my new source of energy!" yelled Jadeite.
Grandpa had already vanished.
Jadeite sat down and awaited Beryl's return.
Kunzite and Zoisite were on a Sunday stroll through a human park.
"Lovely weather," said Kunzite.
"Yeah, this beats the Nega-atmosphere any day," replied Zoisite. "Did you know that I killed Nephrite in this park?"
"Yes," said Kunzite. "You've told me that 5 billion times."
"Yep!" said Zoisite. "That was my greatest accomplishment, next to killing Mamoru Chiba."
"Personally I think killing Nephrite was a bigger success," considered Kunzite. "Since Beryl double-crossed us and brought back Chiba!"
"Next time we should take out Beryl AND Chiba," decided Zoisite.
"Yeah, yeah!" replied Kunzite.
Suddenly, Zoisite felt a change in pressure behind him, and turned around to see a mob of humans.
"Is this my fan club?" asked Zoisite.
"No!" howled their leader, Motoki.
"Oh, it's you again," chuckled Zoisite. "Why don't you run along and go back to earning your minimum wage at the arcade?"
"HEY!" howled Motoki. "I'm assistant manager! I get slightly above minimum wage!"
"Yeah, sure," scoffed Zoisite. "Now who are your friends?"
"This is the mob of people who hate you that I have gathered to put an end to your reign of terror!"
"So these are all my victims?" asked Zoisite.
"Well, you never tried to fight me!" yelled Melvin. "Which was fortunate for you!"
But Zoisite ignored him. "Kunzite look how many victims I have!"
"Woah!" said Kunzite. "You're cooler than I thought! So do you want me to dispose of them?"
"Ha!" laughed Zoisite. "I can take care of them with my eyes shut! Why don't you go ahead and pick up some McDonald's, while I dispose of this pile of rubbish!"
"Sure thing," said Kunzite. "What do you want at McDonald's?"
"Get me the kid's toy," demanded Zoisite. "And make sure it's the girl one! I don't need no Power Ranger."
"K," said Kunzite. "Good luck have fun!"
"Now then," said Zoisite as the crowd surrounded him. "Who wants to die first?"
Motoki charged, yelling, "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Zoisite shot a weak energy beam, sending Motoki flying with it.
But just then, Zoisite was smacked on the back of the head with a toy hammer.
"Hey!" he yelled. He turned around and quickly socked Tuxedo Melvin.
When he turned back around, a black cat jumped on his face and began clawing.
"My face! My face I say!" cried Zoisite. He threw Luna off him, and threw a quick crystal nailing the nearest person. "I should call animal control on you!"
He went to throw another crystal, but Grandpa grabbed it when he was charging up to toss it.
Zoisite tried to shake him off, but it was no use. Grandpa pulled out a pocket blade and made a quick stab.
"Owww!" cried Zoisite. He turned around and pulled Grandpa's head down to his knee, kneeing him hard, and then spun and threw a quick elbow into Tuxedo Melvin, who was coming back for more.
Suddenly Zoisite's vision was blocked by another cat. This one was so big it was suffocating him to death.
While he couldn't see, the crowd moved in, and he was being punched from all angles.
"Enough!" he yelled, teleporting outside of the mob so that Hercules, the big green cat fell to the floor.
He was about to charge up a beam of energy, but the crowd quickly surrounded him once again.
Zoisite shot petals rapidly into the crowd, but they persisted.
"Ouch!" he cried when he was karate chopped in the neck.
He grabbed the hand of the attacker and flung him over his shoulder, knocking over several people.
"SHYYAAAA BRAAAA!" cried Chad as he was tossed.
Zoisite did not have enough open space to fire anymore energy attacks, so he had to hold off the angry mob with his fists of fury.
He turned to Motoki who was coming for another round and combo'ed him to the floor.
But while he was doing that, Greg jumped on his back and got him in a choke hold.
"UWWAAA!" cried Zoisite. He attempted to lung forward and throw Greg off him, but Greg foresaw this and leapt off his back, throwing a high-kick into his jaw.
Zoisite fell on the ground and attempted to teleport, but Grandpa pile-drove him into the floor.
They all began to kick him while he was down. Zoisite was starting to panic.
"KUNZITE!" he cried. "HEEELP!"
But no one came.
Meanwhile…
Kunzite sat in the drive-through window of McDonald's.
"…And a small strawberry shake," he ordered.
"Did you say a chocolate shake?"
"No, a small strawberry shake," repeated Kunzite.
"Ok, and what size would you like that in?"
"Small."
"Large?"
"Small."
"Please pull out of line sir, we'll come back for you," said the employee.
At this point, Zoisite was at his limit. He threw a quick karate chop, tripping several people, and made a break for it.
Once he got some distance, he turned around to fire a powerful energy attack.
But Greg knew this would happen, and told the crowd to take cover. They all dodged except Melvin, who was overconfident and thus was pulverized.
Zoisite went to fire another, but Crane Machine Joe got Zoisite in a surprise full-Nelson.
"Let go!" he cried. He tried to break free, but Crane Machine Joe's grip was too strong.
The crowd caught up and Motoki charged and threw punches at Zoisite's exposed torso.
"Youch!" he yelled. He had to think fast. He jumped up and kicked Motoki in the jaw with both his legs. Then he threw a quick elbow, knocking Gamer Joe over.
He decided to finish Motoki off, and stabbed him in the back with a crystal while he was huddled over in pain.
He pulled out the crystal and swung it, slicing people in the face.
Molly leapt out of a nearby tree like a wild jumping monkey, and kicked Zoisite down.
Zoisite dropped his crystal, and someone picked it up.
"The power of the lord compels you!" howled that priest guy, and he attempted to stake Zoisite in the heart.
But Zoisite tilted his body swiftly and the crystal landed between his arm and his body. He grabbed it back and stabbed Molly, who was behind him.
He stood up and tried the petals again, but it only temporarily stunned the crowd.
He was about to tell the crowd off and teleport to safety, when Ms. Haruna hit him over the head with a chair.
"Waaaa!" he cried. "This isn't fair! I am stronger than you weak humans! But there are too many of you!"
Shingo leapt at Zoisite in a wild tackle while Zoisite was trying to get back on his feet. They rolled some distance and smashed into the wall. Zoisite stood up and weakly threw Shingo into a nearby dumpster where he belonged.
Grandpa ran up and socked Zoisite, landing a critical hit. Zoisite kicked him in the head, and stumbled over because he was starting to tire out.
Just then, Sailor Jupiter showed up.
"Shit," said Zoisite. "I'm in no shape to take on a Sailor Scout now, or ever!"
Jupiter de-transformed and started throwing karate chops at Zoisite. He dodged swiftly but weakly. Chad threw a wild curly fry, and it distracted Zoisite temporarily. While he was distracted, Makoto socked Zoisite square in the chops.
He fell flat on the ground.
"KUUNNNZIIIIIITE!" he tried again. Zoisite was starting to get mad. He charged up his best fire attack and shot it at the crowd.
Most of them were able to cover up their faces with their arms and bend over, tanking through the attack. Those that were unable to make it included the priest, that art girl, the little girl with the cat but not her cat, and Usagi's mom.
They were all severely injured but not killed. A paramedic pulled them from the scene.
"Someone call the police!" hollered Zoisite to the ambulance crew. "I'm getting jumped!"
But they ignored his pleas.
Chad threw another punch, but Zoisite blocked it, and blasted him away with plain energy.
Zoisite resorted to the strategy of randomly throwing sharp crystals into the crowd hoping to land a hit. He was getting a hit here and there, but it wasn't enough to hold them off.
He was pressed into the wall, and was once again getting punches from all directions.
Some teenager socked him in the face.
"I've never seen you before in my life!" cried Zoisite. "What's your beef with me?!"
"I'm just a bully," he said. "Give me your lunch money!"
Zoisite took to the skies in an attempt to flee.
But Molly's mom grabbed him by the legs and threw him back on the floor. "You killed my daughter!" she howled.
"And now I'll kill YOUUUU!" yelled Zoisite. He threw a crystal at Molly's mom, but Greg ran in and took the attack.
"Why?!" cried Molly's mom. "You poor boy!"
"Ugh," moaned Greg. "I didn't mean to. I miscalculated how far in the future that would happen, and I was trying to run."
Greg died.
"That's enough!" said a voice from behind the crowd. The crowd parted and Tuxedo Mask sauntered forward.
"Yikes," said Zoisite. "I can't beat him in a fair fight!"
"Everyone stop hitting him," commanded Mamoru.
"Yeah!" added Zoisite.
"Can it," said Mamoru. "I want to have that fair 1v1 with you that we never got to have."
"Alrighty!" said Zoisite. "Just me and you, 1v1! No tricks!"
"Good," said Mamoru. He charged like lightning, but Zoisite spawned a crystal behind him and sniped him down.
"I've still got it!" said Zoisite happily.
But once the 1v1 ended, the crowd moved back in.
They started slugging Zoisite with double force and tossing him around like a ragdoll. Zoisite managed to land a punch here and there, but they kept getting back up.
"This is the end!" said Zoisite sadly.
"Hey Zoisite, so they were out of the girl toys, so I ended up having to get you a Power Ranger. I hope you're not too mad," began Kunzite.
"KUNZITE HELP!" cried Zoisite in extreme relief.
"Zoisite!" cried Kunzite. "Are you getting beat up by regular humans again?!"
"Can it and save me!" yelled Zoisite.
Kunzite sighed and extended his arm. They all dropped dead like flies.
"Zoisite, Zoisite, Zoisite," sighed Kunzite.
"There… there were so many of them!" cried Zoisite.
"But come on," insisted Kunzite. "They were regular humans!"
"That's what I thought too! But they kept getting back up, Kunzite! It was horrible!"
"Alright," said Kunzite sympathetically. "…But even Jadeite could have taken care of that!"
"Why don't you marry him then!" yelled Zoisite, starting to cry from the trauma.
"D'awww, come on," said Kunzite, consoling him. "It's okay that you're weak. But you're at least the second smartest Shitennou!"
"Who's the first?" asked Zoisite.
"Me," said Kunzite.
Tears started to drip down Zoisite's face again.
"Alright, alright," said Kunzite. "You're the smartest."
"Awwwwww," said Zoisite with a smile. "So did you get me that Barbie toy?"
"Well they were kind of all out…" he said nervously.
Zoisite started to cry again.
"Alright let's go home," decided Kunzite. "No more fighting humans for a while. I'll tell Beryl you're sick or something."
"D'ah," said Zoisite, wiping his tears. "You're the best."
They came into Beryl's throne room at about 2AM, since Zoisite had been smacked down for a really long period of time.
Zoisite turned on the light.
"Jadeite? What are you doing here?"
Jadeite was laying asleep curled up on the floor.
"I wonder why he's still there," said Kunzite.
"Jadeite's actions are an enigma," said Zoisite. "But it's cold, so we should probably give him a blanket."
They tucked him into a blanket and Zoisite left the Power Ranger toy there for him to play with when he woke up.
2 hours after that, Beryl came in.
She tripped on him and fell to the ground.
"Jadeite!" she cried. "I thought I told you not to sleep in here!"
"Huh?" asked Jadeite waking up. "Oh boy, a toy!"
"Jadeite!" repeated Beryl.
Jadeite leapt to his feet. "Queen Beryl! I found a new source of energy!"
"That's great Jadeite," said Beryl. "But I have to go again. Talk to my substitute, Wiseman."
"Hello… Wiseman?" asked Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy?"
Wiseman did not respond. Instead he continued rubbing his ball without looking up.
Jadeite curled up and went back to sleep.
"Wake me up when it's springtime," he said.
FIN
