"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"What is it?" howled Beryl.

"Well, no need to howl," said Jadeite. "Anyway, it's called 5 and a half hour energy! It's a product I made myself!"

"Hmph," considered Beryl.

"Here, have a swig!" suggested Jadeite, offering her a 5 and a half hour energy.

She drunk it. "I don't feel any different," she said.

"Give it 10 more seconds," said Jadeite.

"Alright, but if I don't feel it in ten seconds, you're a dead man!" she yelled.

10 seconds later…

"Alright Jadeite, time to diewOAHHHHHHHHHHH!" exclaimed Beryl. She back-flipped off her throne and started doing cartwheels.

"WOOOHHOOOOO WEEEE HOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" she howled.

"Queen Beryl," said Nephrite, entering the room. "Woah, Jadeite! Why is Beryl doing cartwheels?"

"It's because she had one of my patented 5 and a half hour energy drinks! Try one!"

Nephrite hesitantly drank one. "I don't feel anything," said Nephrite.

He waited 10 seconds.

"Still nothinGAHAAHAHAHAHAHA!" he howled. Nephrite started doing push-ups on one finger, upside-down. "YEEEHAWWWWW!"

Kunzite came in then. "Beryl m'lady!" he said.

Nephrite turned around to Kunzite and his vision went red. "YAYARRRRRRRRRR!" he howled, charging Kunzite.

Kunzite got in his defensive stance and shot a rogue energy blast, but Nephrite tanked through it and kept charging. He head-butted Kunzite, and Kunzite was placed in a peril state.

Nephrite threw repetitive and consecutive blows, overwhelming Kunzite.

Kunzite teleported behind Jadeite to hide. "How did he get so strong?!" he cried. "Has he been training?!"

"No," said Jadeite. "He took one of my patented 5 and a half hour energy drinks!"

"Give me 10 of those!" instructed Kunzite.

"No!" cried Jadeite. "You're only allowed one, or you'll die!"

Kunzite picked Jadeite up by his throat. "Give me ten," he repeated, in a quieter and more threatening tone.

Jadeite forked them over.

He guzzled them down.

Nephrite spotted Kunzite and charged. Kunzite tried to fight back, but he still wasn't strong enough.

"WTF?!" cried Kunzite. "Jadeite, they're not working!"

"Give it ten seconds!" yelled Jadeite.

"I don't have that long to live!"

Kunzite barely endured Nephrite's blows until 10 seconds passed.

Then his spirit left his body and grew giant bat wings of power. He flew down and charged Nephrite, disposing of him with one punch.

"Woah," said Kunzite. "This stuff really works! Now how do I get back in my body?"

"You can't," said Jadeite sadly. "You took too many."

Kunzite was suddenly floating towards the light. "Hey! Stop that!" he cried. He tried to swim back down but it was futile.

"Wait a second, why am I going to heaven?" asked Kunzite.

"Maybe the energy drink cleansed you of your sins!" called Jadeite from the ground.

But then Kunzite dropped like a stone, straight into Hell.

"Darnit," said Kunzite.


"Good as new," said Metalia after bringing Kunzite and Nephrite back to life.

"Thnx," said Kunzite. But something was wrong. "Wait, why am I over there?!" he cried. He looked down and realized he was in Nephrite's body.

"Hey wtf?!" cried Nephrite, looking down as well and realizing that he was in Kunzite's body. "I want my handsome body back!"

"Whoopsies!" said Queen Metalia. "Looks like I dun' goof'd and put your souls in the wrong bodies. Oh well!"

Kunzite tried to brush Nephrite's hair out of his face but he only knew how to function with his normal hair style.

"Aww yea, look at this cape!" exclaimed Nephrite.

"Hey give me that!" barked Kunzite.

"No, it's mine!" yelled Nephrite.

"Hmph," said Kunzite. "I'll just kill you again and take it."

Kunzite charged Nephrite, but Nephrite caught the punch because he was in Kunzite's body and thus stronger.

"Uh oh," said Kunzite.

Nephrite killed him.

"Now to live Kunzite's life!" announced Nephrite.

He went over to Kunzite's castle.

"Hey Kunzite!" greeted Zoisite.

"AHHHH!" cried Nephrite. "Put some clothes on!"

"Why?" asked Zoisite, confused.

"Because I hate you!" yelled Nephrite, finally getting his revenge.

"Kunzite! No!" cried Zoisite. "What's gotten into you?!"

"I've decided that I'm too handsome for a young man like you. I'm breaking up with you."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried Zoisite. He jumped out the window.

"Here's your stuff!" yelled Nephrite, throwing Zoisite's stuff out the window onto his unconscious corpse.

"Now to go talk to Beryl and actually have her respect me!" decided Nephrite.

"Queen Beryl!" yelled Nephrite.

Beryl cartwheeled past him and out the door.

"D'ah," said Nephrite.

Suddenly, Evil Endymion walked in.

"Say Kunzite, have any new jokes, I mean schemes, to capture the Silver Crystal?"

"GRRRRR, back off!" yelled Nephrite.

Mamoru took a step back. "Hey, take it easy there," said Mamoru. "I was just messin' with ya."

"I don't care," said Nephrite, letting his new power go to his head. "You will die!"

Nephrite took out Evil Endymion, something Kunzite never had the guts to do because of Beryl.

"Hahahha," laughed Nephrite. "And Beryl will just punish Kunzite instead of me because I'm his body!"

"Wait," realized Nephrite. "I'm in his body."

Queen Beryl cartwheeled back in. "Where's my Mamoru?!" she called. "He wasn't in his cage I mean room!"

Nephrite quickly teleported Mamoru's body away.

"Hmph," chortled Beryl. "I guess I'll have to sleep with you instead, Kunzite."

"I don't know about that," said Nephrite.

"That's an order," said Beryl.

"Well I'm not taking your orders!" barked Nephrite.

"YOU DARE DEFY ME!?" yelled Beryl.

"Ye."

Beryl looked like she was going to say something, but shut her mouth.

"Being Kunzite is awesome!" yelled Nephrite. "Time to see if Zoisite's regained consciousness!"


Meanwhile…

"Good as new," said Metalia. "If you could take it back a notch on the dying though, please do so. I'm starting to get low on energy. That one energy Nephrite got from Molly won't hold up much longer."

"Or that one Jadeite got from the gym," added Kunzite. "Hey, am I in Nephrite's body again?!"

"Yes," said Metalia. "He's still in yours, so this is the only one we had in stock."

"What's he doing in my body?!" howled Kunzite.

He quickly teleported to his castle.

"WWAAA!" he screamed. His castle was on fire.

He cautiously went inside of the burning building.

"BREAK UP WITH ME?!" sobbed Zoisite. "THEN I WILL DO TO YOUR CASTLE WHAT YOU DID TO MY HEART!"

Zoisite was holding a flame-thrower and burning down the castle while crying hysterically.

"Zoisite!" cried Kunzite.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT, NEPHRITE?!" howled Zoisite. "HERE TO RUB IT IN?!"

"No!" said Kunzite. "It's me, Kunzite!"

"DON'T SAY HIS NAME!" sobbed Zoisite.

"Oh boy, what did Nephrite do?" Kunzite asked.

Suddenly Zoisite turned to him. "I know how to get back at Kunzite! I'll cheat on him with Nephrite, and then he'll get jealous and take me back!"

"No, wait!" said Kunzite. "I'm Kunzite!"

"Yeah right," scoffed Zoisite. "Prove it!"

"Every Tuesday night you wear a dress and look at yourself in the mirror!" said Kunzite.

"Everyone knows that, nice try Nephy!"

"Uh…uh…" pondered Kunzite. "One time when Nephrite stole your job you came sobbing to me and then you said, 'When will I get my chance?'"

Zoisite gasped. "How do you know that?! Have you been stalking me!?"

"No, I'm Kunzite!"

"I'm still not convinced," said Zoisite.

"Don't you think it's strange I would break up with you randomly after all these years?"

"I don't really blame you," said Zoisite sadly. "I'm pretty bad."

"Don't say that!" cried Kunzite. He gave Zoisite a hug.

"Nephrite, you're being weird," sobbed Zoisite.

"Oh, I know!" exclaimed Kunzite. "Remember that time you tricked Mamoru Chiba and told him you'd have a fair fight for the crystals?"

"Hahahahaha! That was funny!" laughed Zoisite. Then it hit him. "OMG KUNZITE!"

"Yep! Since Nephrite was dead when that happened, there's no way he could know about that!"

"So you're not breaking up with me?"

"Not yet," said Kunzite.

"Wait what?" asked Zoisite.

"I mean, let's get our revenge on Nephrite, and give him a taste of his own medicine!"


They showed up at Molly's apartment.

"This is his girlfriend," said Zoisite.

"How old is she?" asked Kunzite, concerned.

"No older than 14," said Zoisite.

"Dang," said Kunzite. "Killing him was the right thing to do."

He knocked on her door.

"Hoy Nephroyt!" said Molly.

"Hey loser," said Kunzite.

"Nephroyt why?!" cried Molly.

"Can it, you Boston accent freak!" yelled Kunzite.

Molly started to cry.

"That's it, I'm breaking up with you," said Kunzite.

"No!" yelled Zoisite. "Kill her!"

"Not on my watch!" yelled Tuxedo Melvin who had been camped outside her door. He threw a wild punch.

Kunzite sniped Melvin down and he was dead.

"WAAAAAAAAAAA!" cried Molly. She slammed the door and sobbed.

"eZ," said Kunzite.

Just then Nephrite showed up with flowers, rehearsing some lines. "Listen Molly, I know I told you that I wasn't really Maxfield Stanton, and that instead I was Nephrite. But instead of Nephrite, I'm actually Kunzite. I still love you the same, wanna go out for brunch?"

Zoisite and Kunzite fled.

He knocked on the door, and heard a gunshot.

"Wtf?!" he exclaimed, barging in.

Molly was lying dead on the floor.

"NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!" cried Nephrite. "WHO DID THIS!?"


"Alright, now that we've ruined his life, here's the deal," said Kunzite. "In order to get my body back, we have to kill him, and then me. That way Metalia could put us in the right bodies again."

"But he has your powers, we're no match!" cried Zoisite.

"That's true," said Kunzite. "But he doesn't know how to use them. Although Nephrite is 5 billion times stronger than me in this body, considering I have Nephrite's strength and he has mine, we might still have a chance."


Nephrite walked down the street forlornly. "Who could have done this?!" he repeated furiously. "There's no one who even has the slightest grudge against me! Wait a second," he remembered.

He quickly teleported to Kunzite's castle and checked where Zoisite's body had fallen.

"It's gone!" he cried. "And why is the house burnt down?"

He went to Beryl's throne room to look for Zoisite.

"Zoisite!" he yelled. "I'm willing to take you back if you beg! Come out here!"

Just then he was charged by Zoisite, and Kunzite in Nephrite's body.

They clobbered him over the head and started punching him.

Nephrite made an energy wave surrounding himself and sending them all flying.

"What does Nephrite say to attack?" Kunzite wondered, standing. "I call forward the power of space!"

"I think it's about stars or something," said Zoisite.

"I summon thee the star power!"

Nothing happened.

"Star Power, MAKE UP!" he yelled.

Still nothing.

Nephrite charged them and they both fled in opposite directions.

Zoisite summoned a crystal behind Nephrite and threw it at him, but he slightly moved his neck and dodged it.

Zoisite tried again and shot a powerful petal attack, but Nephrite shot an energy ball and hit Zoisite dead on, and Zoisite went flying.

Kunzite pulled out a laptop and looked up a Nephrite episode. "Ohhhhh, that's it!" he realized. "I call forth the power of the stars!"

He shot a star blast at Nephrite, but Nephrite turned around and blocked it with one hand.

"Queen Beryl!" called Jadeite. "Can you please post a Yelp review for my product? It would really get us some good publicity!"

He turned to see what looked like Nephrite and Zoisite trying to attack Kunzite.

"WOAH!" he cried. "Zoisite, what happened?! What's going on?!"

Nephrite turned and shot Jadeite down.

"KUNZITE WHY!?" cried Jadeite. He passed out.

Nephrite turned back to Kunzite. "Now time to finish you off!"

Nephrite summoned Kunzite's boomerang attack and threw it at him.

"THAT'S MY MOVE!" howled Kunzite. He desperately dodged the boomerang attack with his incredible speed.

Nephrite caught the boomerangs when they returned, and threw them again.

Just then, Zoisite flew up with a crystal, trying to stab Nephrite in the back.

But Nephrite caught it and kicked Zoisite, and then snapped the crystal in half just to add insult to injury.

They went to charge again, but Nephrite trapped them in a dark energy bubble.

"IS THERE NO LIMIT TO MY POWERS!?" called Nephrite to the skies. "I AM A GOD!"

Kunzite and Zoisite started to bang on the bubble, but it was shrinking. Desperate, they threw themselves into the bubble wall, but it had no effect.

"JUST SO YOU KNOW!" yelled Kunzite. "I'm taking all this as a compliment!"

"DIE!" yelled Nephrite. He closed in the bubble and suffocated them to death.

When the bubble disappeared, Kunzite was still alive with a last breath.

"You haven't seen the last of me!" he yelled.

"Whatever," said Nephrite and finished him off with an energy blast.


"Good as new," said Metalia.

"Gee thanks Metalia!" said Jadeite.

"Yeah thanks pal," said Zoisite.

"Hmph," said Kunzite. "I'm happy to be reborn, but it sucks to be in this weak, inferior form."

"We need a better plan," said Zoisite.

"Yeah," said Kunzite. "I'm obviously too strong. If only I wasn't so good!"

"So," began Jadeite. "Why are you guys trying to kill Kunzite? I mean I see why you're doing it, Nephrite, but Zoisite? Well, I don't blame either of you. Kunzite has no personality and he is a loser."

"Jadeite," said Zoisite.

Kunzite killed Jadeite.

They waited five minutes for Metalia to revive him.

"Aww thanks Metalia!" said Jadeite. "Now Nephrite, what was that for?"

"I'm not Nephrite, you buffoon!" yelled Kunzite.

"Huh?" asked Jadeite.

"When they both died, Metalia put them in the wrong bodies by accident," explained Zoisite.

"Ah," said Jadeite. "So that wasn't Kunzite I slept with this morning."

"WHAT THE HELL?!" yelled Kunzite. "Nephrite, you punk!"

"Anyway, before you guys killed me, I was having a dilemma!" said Jadeite. "My parents want to come visit me! The only thing is, I told them I had a good job and life! I don't know what to do!"

"Listen Jadeite, we have a lot going on right now," said Kunzite. "You're gonna have to wait for next chapter to sort that out."

"Awwww man," said Jadeite. "Guess I'll just go back to online chess, see you in a few days when the chapter's about me!"

Jadeite left.

"Anyway," said Zoisite. "I think I might have an idea."


"Good as new," said Metalia.

"Huh? Where am I?" asked Molly. She looked down at her body. "WHO AM I!?" she cried

"Oh hey Molly," said Zoisite in Molly's body. "Fancy meeting you here."

"WHAAAAT?!" cried Molly. She started spazzing out.

"Do we actually need her anymore for any part of this?" asked Kunzite.

"Nope," said Zoisite.

Kunzite killed Molly.

"Aww," said Kunzite. "I always feel bad killing your body."

"D'oh, well let's get this plan rolling!"

Nephrite sat in the rubble of Kunzite's castle. "This is nice," he said. "But maybe I shouldn't have broken up with Zoisite so quickly. We could have had some fun, maybe even been friends."

Just then there was a knock on the rubble.

He opened the door.

"Mm-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-Molly?!" he cried.

"It is I," said Zoisite. "I didn't actually die, I was just faking it because I was so sad without you and I wanted to feel dead, ya know?"

"MAWWWWLY!" cried Nephrite embracing her.

"Yuck," said Zoisite under his breath. "So anyway, KUNZITE, NOW!"

Kunzite flew down and karate chopped Nephrite's head off while his guard was down.

"Oh boy we did it!" said Kunzite. He spawned a sword and stabbed himself.

"I guess it's time for me to die too!" said Zoisite. He jumped out the window and into the abyss.

"Wait," realized Zoisite. "Who's gonna bring us to Metalia?"

Zoisite died.


"Good as new," sighed Metalia.

"Gee thanks!" said Jadeite.

"Jadeite?" asked Zoisite. "Why'd you die? I thought you were just gonna play online chess?"

"I was, but then I choked on a peanut."

"Whelp, all's well that ends well," said Kunzite.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried Nephrite. "I'm weak again!"

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" laughed Kunzite. "I pity you. Only once in your life did you get to feel my incredible power!"

"D'ah well, at least I'm still stronger than Zoisite," sighed Nephrite.

"Where am I!?" cried Molly again.

Kunzite killed Molly.

"Hey! Stop it!" yelled Nephrite. "Can you bring her back?" he asked Metalia.

"Sorry, I'm out of energy," said Metalia.

"NOOOOOOOO!" cried Nephrite. "But how will I get any more energy with Molly dead?!"

"Looks like we've reached an impasse," said Metalia.

"I got it!" said Jed. "I'll open a gym!"

"Brilliant!" said Nephrite.


"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite, teleporting into her throne room. "I'm opening another gym!" he called.

He turned to see that Beryl had built a 40 story high house of cards.

"Beryl, what is this?!" exclaimed Jadeite.

"I just have so much energy with this 5 and a half hour energy drink that I drunk! I CAN DO ANYTHING!"

Just then, Zoisite swung open the door and the arctic breeze blew in. "Yo Beryl!" he yelled. "I would have teleported in, but it wouldn't have been as dramatic of an entrance, ya know?"

The winds reached Beryl's card house, and it came tumbling down.

"ZOOOOIIIIIIIIIISIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITE!" howled Beryl. She charged up her crystal ball. "This is the end for you!"

"Please, no," said Zoisite with little energy, not really caring because he had already died like 10 times that day.

Just then Beryl's five and a half hours ran up. Beryl crashed from the drink, and fell face first onto the floor.

Zoisite checked her pulse. "She's dead."

Zoisite reluctantly dragged her to Metalia.

"I don't have enough energy to bring her back!" exclaimed Metalia.

"Darn," said Zoisite.

FIN