"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Jadeite, I haven't seen Kunzite in five years. Have you seen him?"

"Hmm," said Jed. "Sorry ma'am, I haven't."

"I wonder where he could be," said Beryl.


Kunzite slowly opened his eyes, and all he saw was the ocean and the sky. "Where… where am I?" he wondered. He tried to teleport back to the Negaverse, but all his powers were gone.

"What's going on?!" cried Kunzite to the heavens.

"Hey, you don't have to be so loud," squeaked Diana the baby cat.

"Awww no, it's one of these chapters," groaned Kunzite.

"You got that right!" said Grandpa. "It's just me and my best boys and cat, stranded in the middle of the ocean!"

"But how did I get here?" asked Kunzite.

"That's not important," said Grandpa. "What is important is harpooning a whale for supper. Will you hold me while I cast my harpoon?"

"Back off!" yelled Kunzite.

"Not to worry," said Melvin. "I have come up with a solution to propel the boat to land. It requires a simple motor and some fuel."

"We don't have any!" squeaked Diana.

"Uh oh," said Melvin. "Onto plan F."

"Wait, what about plans A through E?" asked Kunzite.

"You weren't conscious for that," said Melvin.

"WHY NOT!?" screamed Kunzite. "WHAT GIVES!? WHY DON'T I HAVE MY POWERS?!"

"Well," explained Grandpa. "It all started back in the Silver Millennium."

"You know what?" decided Kunzite. "I don't care. How long have I been out?"

"Five," said Melvin.

"Five what?! Hours?! Days?!"

"Years," said Melvin.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Kunzite. He threw a wild punch, breaking Melvin's glasses but not doing much more because he had no powers.

"I can't see!" cried Melvin. "I'm useless!"

"You were useless from the start," said Grandpa, who was starting to get sea-crazy. "Actually, I can think of one use for you."

Grandpa licked his lips. "DINNER!" he howled, charging Melvin with a fork made out of his toenails and teeth.

"WA WA AW A WA AW AAW AW!" screeched Melvin.

Diana got in the middle and broke them up. "Guys, stop!" she cried. "We need to keep it together!"

Grandpa looked down at baby cat, but all he saw was a chicken leg.

He put her in his mouth, and went to take a chomp.

"Spit that out!" cried Melvin, punching him in the stomach. He spit out baby cat and a hot pocket.

"Hot pocket!" cried baby cat, snatching it and fleeing into the water.

She didn't get very far because Kunzite grabbed her and put her back in the boat.

"You're not leaving me with these two bozos," said Kunzite.

"According to my calculations," began Melvin, "Since there are four of us on the boat, we must split the hot pocket into four equal sections."

"Oops," said baby cat with crumbs on her face.

"NOOOOOOO!" cried Melvin. "She ate the hot pocket! Now we're gonna starve!"

Kunzite reached in his pocket and pulled out a paddle ball. "Why is this in my pocket?!" he cried. He reached in his other pocket in hopes of finding food, but instead found a yo-yo.

"Gimme gimme gimme!" exclaimed Melvin.

"Back off, bozo!" said Kunzite kicking him.

"HOW WILL WE GET OUT OF HERE?!" howled Grandpa, flailing wildly.

"I think we should just hold our ground," said Kunzite. "I'm sure the Negaverse has been looking non-stop for me ever since I disappeared. They'll find us any minute."


"Hmm," said Beryl, eyeing her Shitennou. "Didn't there used to be four of you?"

"Yes," said Zoisite. "I used to have a boyfriend named Kunzite." He started to cry.

"What-zite?" asked Beryl. "Never heard of him, get back to work. I need that silver crystal!"


Kunzite was starting to get delusional from lack of food. He turned to Grandpa and looked at him with big eyes.

"Oh my," said Grandpa blushing. "Are you checking me out?"

"Yes," said Kunzite. But all he saw was a tasty boiled lobster. "Mmmmm," said Kunzite.

"Mmmmmmmmmm," replied Grandpa flirtatiously. "So are we gonna do this?"

"Wait guys, I've drawn a Venn diagram!" exclaimed Melvin. "I made it out of my own blood and tears!"

"This shows the pros and cons of eating one of the members of the crew!" exclaimed Diana. "That's terrible!"

"It appears that Diana is in the middle of the Venn diagram," noted Kunzite. "That means we should eat her?"

"No," said Melvin. "That means that there will be both pros and cons of that. One con is that she's not much of a meal. The other is that she provides the crew with hopeful optimism."

"Hmph," said Kunzite, considering it. "How about this side, with only pros? Who's Melvin again?"

"That would be me," said Melvin.

"Oh yeah, let's eat him!"

"I agree!" said Melvin. "There are only pros to eating- hey wait a second!"

Melvin threw the Venn diagram in the ocean. "Oh well, time for plan G!"

"NOOOOO! THE VENN DIAGRAM!" cried Grandpa. "We could have eaten that!"

"We could have," said Kunzite slowly. "But I think I'm just going to have the lobster."

"Yeah, we can catch some lobsters!" agreed Melvin.

But Kunzite closed in on Grandpa.

Grandpa fluttered his eyelashes. Kunzite went in for the kill and lunged at him.

But Grandpa saw it coming a hundred miles away, and swiftly dodged.

Kunzite couldn't stop in time and lunged into the ocean instead.

"I knew you only liked me for my tasty lobster meat!" cried Grandpa sadly. "Wait a minute, I AM a lobster!" he remembered.

Grandpa's theme music came on and surpassed his human form and took the form of one of the rainbow crystal carriers, Cross-Eyed Lobster.

"Yum, let's dig in!" said Kunzite, climbing back on the boat.

"No, I can swim us out of here!"

"THE OCEAN IS MY HOME NOW!" howled Melvin, clinging to the boat.

But Kunzite picked him up and hopped on Grandpa's back. Diana tagged along as well.

Grandpa took off in a rapid swim like a motorboat, going 3,000 miles a second.

Melvin was unable to hang on and flew off into the vast ocean, where he was soon devoured by a shark.

Baby cat died from the turbulence.

By the time Grandpa skittered to shore, Kunzite was the only one remaining.

"We did it Gramps!" said Kunzite, ecstatic.

But Grandpa started coughing. "I over-exerted myself," he said flatly. He curled up into a ball and died.

"Damn," said Kunzite. "He was a good man. Hey, I got my powers back! That's wacky!"

Kunzite teleported back to the Negaverse.

FIN