"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"
"Finally!" exclaimed Queen Beryl with great relief. "I was waiting all day to hear this!"
"Really?" asked Jadeite.
"No," said Beryl.
Jadeite started whimpering and began to tear up. In a rare and uncharacteristic moment of sympathy, Beryl took pity on him.
"I wasn't waiting all day… I was waiting all week!" she said mercifully.
"Aww Beryl, you're the greatest!" said Jadeite, beginning to sob joyfully.
Queen Beryl sighed. "I think I'm going soft."
"Queen Beryl!" howled Nephrite. "I got another DUI!"
"Nephrite!" yelled Beryl. "That's coming right out of your paycheck!"
"Jokes on you, I don't get a paycheck!" scoffed Nephrite.
"Why I oughtta-" began Beryl.
"Queen Beryl!" howled Zoisite. "Nephrite got another DUI! I think you should punish him!"
"Maybe I should punish YOU!" howled Beryl.
She pulled out her crystal ball, but Kunzite teleported in.
"Aye, none of that!" he howled. "Punish me instead, it's my fault. I trained him."
"Nice try Kunzite but you know I couldn't punish you even if I tried," scoffed Beryl. "Zoisite, you get detention after school."
"Tartar sauce, I'd rather die," said Zoisite.
"Har har," said Nephrite. "So about that DUI, are you gonna pay for that?"
"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"
"Alright, everyone SHUT UP!" yelled Beryl. "Let's just have quiet time. I'll kill the next person to make a sound."
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" yelled Jadeite.
"Alright, THAT'S IT!" screamed Beryl.
"It wasn't me," said Jadeite.
"Then who was it?"
"It was me," said Jadeite.
Everyone gasped. A different Jadeite was laying in the middle of the throne room. He was in a goofy lighter colored uniform, and he had a cape. He looked older, as well.
"Who are you supposed to bu?" asked Beryl in shock.
"Yeah!" sneered the normal Jadeite. "There can only be one!"
"How dare you wear a cape?!" Kunzite added in. "Only lords wear capes!"
"Greetings," said Jadeite, who everyone had now realized was from the future. "I am Jadeite, from the future."
"That's impossible!" cried Beryl.
"It would seem that way, but 1,000 years have passed and we have made great advances in time travel, and-"
"No, I mean I'm sure I would have killed you by then!"
"Wait, how is it a thousand years later?!" asked Nephrite. "Did we win, and live on immortally in the darkness?!"
"As if," laughed Future Jadeite. "But alas, Earth was just frozen for a thousand years for some reason, and then Sailor Moon took over and there was a new Silver Millennium."
"NOOOOOOOOO!" cried Beryl. "The first was boring enough!"
"That's why I have come here," continued Future Jed. "We have to change time and make Crystal Tokyo non-canon, like it already is for this timeline! Seriously, it's multi-verse theory. Just watch DBZ!"
"This… this is crazy!" said Kunzite. "Why aren't we dead though, if we didn't win?"
"After Sailor Moon defeated Beryl," began Future Jed.
"Uh oh," said Beryl.
"We were brought back to life to guard Prince Endymion once again!"
"Once again?!" the Shitennou gasped.
"Hahaha I was gonna tell you, I swear!" lied Beryl. "I was just waiting for the right moment."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" they all cried.
"What a horrible and twisted fate!" exclaimed Kunzite.
"That's not the worst of it," explained Future Jadeite. "He has this terrible hideous daughter Chibiusa, and we have to guard her too! LIFE IS A LIVING NIGHTMARE!"
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" everyone screamed.
They all started to panic.
"What do we do to stop this!?" cried Present Jadeite.
"That's why I came back to the past," replied Future Jadeite. "I took the secret Moon Kingdom-only time door, because I'm part of the family now! But Mayo assaulted me anyway," he said with a frown. "Luckily I solved her riddle and was able to pass."
"Who's Mayo?" asked Beryl.
"Setsuna Meiyo," answered Future Jadeite. "Sailor Pluto."
"There's… there's more than five sailors?! No… NO… NOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Beryl.
"So what do we do to stop this?!" repeated Present Jed.
"I've got it!" announced Zoisite. "Let's just kill Mamoru!"
"NO!" screamed Beryl. "NEVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR…. Never!"
"But Beryl!" Zoisite tried to talk logically.
"Zoisite do you want an eternal sleep?"
"No," said Zoisite. "But I really think-"
"Then CAAAAAAAAN it!"
"Everyone shut up," said Kunzite. "Let's all listen to Future Jadeite's pre-calculated and surefire plan to fix things."
They all turned to Future Jadeite.
"Uh oh," said Future Jadeite. "I really didn't think I'd get this far. I thought Beryl would just think I'm regular Jed and kill me. I have no plan. I just wanted to get away, for even death beats boring Crystal Tokyo! And the worst part is, I'm going to be forced to live for another 9,000 years!" he sobbed.
"Even Jadeite doesn't deserve that!" cried Beryl.
"How about," began Nephrite. "We just mess everything up, and then Future Jadeite checks and sees if it works to change the future?"
"Awesome!" exclaimed Future and Present Jadeite simultaneously.
"Alright," decided Beryl. "Since I die anyway, it doesn't affect me, but you guys should go for it!"
"Yeah yeah yeah!" they all agreed.
"Wait!" said Beryl, upon reconsidering things. "I might actually have a chance of survival if you really screw around! So for ultimate success, I think you should all get in teams of two!"
"Work together?!" gasped Nephrite. "That's madness!"
"Everyone pick a straw, and the person whose name is on it is your partner!" suggested Zoisite.
He held out the straws, and everyone picked one.
"Oh look, I'm with Kunzite! What are the odds?" exclaimed Zoisite.
"Zoisite, did you cheat?" asked Nephrite.
"No," said Zoisite.
"There aren't even names on these straws," objected Future Jed.
"Yes there are," lied Zoisite. "See, you're paired with Past Jed!"
"Awww yea!" said both Jeds.
"Hey I don't have a partner!" realized Nephrite.
"Bummer," said Zoisite.
Everyone teleported away.
"Hmm," thought Nephrite. "I'll go get Mawly! I can always count on her!"
"Alright," said Present Jadeite. "I think we should take this opportunity to do some good for the world!"
"I was thinking the same thing!" agreed Future Jadeite. "And I know just what to do. In the future, they invent these things called cellphones. People text on them all the time, and they never pay attention to the people they're actually with!"
"Oh yeah, it's the 90's," remembered Present Jadeite.
"It's the worst thing that's ever happened to society! And if you're bad at spelling or typing, it takes you forever to communicate! Towards the end of my time working with Beryl, she wouldn't even call me on the phone! She'd just text me the death threats!"
"That's awful!" cried Present Jadeite.
"Yes," said Future Jadeite. "So let's go kill Apple!"
Future and Present Jadeite showed up at the Apple Corporation building.
"Oh yeah, so this place Apple," began Future Jadeite.
"Never heard of it," said 90's Jed.
"Here's their scheme. They make you buy their newest phone for $6,000! And you're like, hey, I just spent my life's savings, but at least for that price this will last me a long time! And then a week later, they release a newer phone, and you can't download any of the new apps and people throw you in the dumpster and treat you like garbage because you have the wrong iOS!"
Jadeite gasped. "The future is a dark place."
"You're telling me," said Future Jadeite.
They blew up the Apple building and erased it from history.
"eZZZZZ" said Jeds.
"Now what?" asked Present Jadeite.
"There's also this terrible thing called Facebook in the future!" began Jadeite. "You friend all these people, but none of them are really your friends!"
"Say no more," said Jadeite.
Nephrite drove down the street with Molly in the shotgun.
"So yeah, we just gotta mess shit up," explained Nephrite.
"Oy understand," said Molly. "I wouldn't want to work for Usagi's boyfriend either!"
"I wouldn't mind! Oh, and hidy ho!" shouted Melvin, popping up from the backseat.
"What are you doing in my car?!" cried Nephrite, swerving wildly.
"Nephroyt, I told you we gotta take him with us!" insisted Molly.
"WHHHYYYY?!" demanded Nephrite.
"He told his mum he would be with me for the day, and he doesn't want to be caught telling a fib!" Molly explained.
Nephrite groaned. "So how should we wreak havoc?"
"Let's go cheat so I can get 100 on a test, and finally beat that pest Ami Mizuno!" suggested Melvin.
"How would that change the future?" asked Nephrite.
"She would kill herself and the Sailors would fall apart. Then the Negaverse would be in the position for world domination!" said Melvin.
"Huh," said Nephrite in surprise. "That's actually a good idea! Let's go!"
Later that day, at the United Nations meeting…
"Emperors of Japan, you wanted to announce something?" asked the head of the U.N.
"Yes," said Kunzite and Zoisite disguise. "We don't like the way America bombed us 50 years ago. We declare war!"
"On who?" asked the chairman.
"EVERYONE!" they howled.
"Put em up!" yelled Kunzite. He started throwing punches at the leaders of all the countries. A mob fight broke out and they all started fighting each other.
Kunzite and Zoisite teleported away to their Negaverse mansion. They turned on the news.
"Breaking news, it's World War 3!" cried the news person, before getting blown up by a nuclear bomb.
"There can't be a Crystal Tokyo without a Tokyo!" laughed Kunzite as Japan was nuked again.
"Is Iraq gone yet?" asked Zoisite. "I don't like the way they behead gay people."
"Not yet," said Kunzite.
They teleported to the CIA headquarters and fired all the nukes they had in store. The Middle East was gone.
"Good riddance," said Zoisite.
"Oh shit, the oil prices!" realized Kunzite.
They went to the stock market.
"no no no No no nO!" screamed Kunzite.
"What's the matter?" asked Zoisite.
"The stock market has crashed! All my Apple stocks are garbage now! How could this have happened?!"
"Let's blow up the stock market," suggested Zoisite.
They blew up the stock market, and Wall Street went to chaos.
Queen Beryl sat on her computer. "I know how I'll mess up the future!"
She went on Prince Endymion's Wiki page.
She scrolled down to relationships and read a line out loud. "Endymion was engaged to Princess Serenity on the moon, and once reborn they resumed their relationship and have a daughter in the future."
Beryl erased Princess Serenity's name and put her own. Then she replaced the main picture with fanart, and filled the trivia with non-canon facts.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAH!" she howled. "Nothing will never be the same again!"
All the Shitennou teleported back at that moment.
She quickly closed her browser. "What do you have to report?"
"We blew up Apple!" said the Jeds.
"You bastards!" howled Kunzite. "I could have made millions!"
"I don't know what that is," said Beryl. "You get an F."
"We helped Melvin pass a test," said Nephrite.
"Good effort," said Beryl.
"We started World War III and also erased the Middle East and raised oil prices by 2 million percent," said Zoisite and Kunzite.
"Meh," said Beryl. "Very insignificant. But this should still be enough to ruin the future!"
"I guess this is goodbye," said Future Jadeite.
"I'm going to miss you," whimpered Past Jadeite.
"I'll always be right here," said Future Jadeite, pointing to Jadeite's heart.
He teleported away to the future.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried Jadeite. "I will never forget you!"
"Drama queen," said Beryl.
They waited a few minutes.
"Well I guess he hasn't returned, so everything went as planned," concluded Beryl.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" yelled Jadeite.
"Jadeite, control yourself!" barked Beryl.
"That wasn't me," said Jadeite.
"Oh boy," said Beryl.
Suddenly, all four future Shitennou fell from the sky.
"Nothing has changed," they said sadly.
"WHAT?!" cried Kunzite. "We literally destroyed Tokyo! How could there be a crystal form of something that has been erased?!"
"Unless," began Beryl, checking the internet. "Hmm, it's as I thought. There's this thing called Multiverse Theory. Basically, it would mean that when someone time travels, they're not actually going back in their time, but instead they're going to a different timeline."
"Ah," said Future Nephrite. "Which would make sense, because there would have to be one timeline where Chibi-usa didn't go to the past. Or else there would be infinite timelines, and I don't think that's the case."
"I don't understand a word either of you just said," stated Present Jadeite.
"Crystal Tokyo doesn't happen in this timeline," said Beryl plainly. "It occurs in a different timeline."
"OHHHHHH!" said everyone else. "Which would also make sense because Chibiusa's crystal hasn't changed at all!"
"What?" asked Queen Beryl. "I don't know what that means."
"We're saying," began Future Kunzite. "That when Chibi-usa initially goes to the past, the Imperial Silver Crystal she takes from Neo-Queen Serenity is the same as it was in season one, despite it going through many changes since then in this timeline.
"I DON'T KNOW WHO THAT IS!" cried Beryl. "I only watch season one, and not even the finale!"
"That's good," said Future Zoisite. "You wouldn't like the season finale. Say, have you watched the part where I kill Mamoru yet?"
"Which part?!" howled Beryl. "Why I oughtta-"
"So pretty much there's nothing we can do to help you guys?" asked Present Nephrite.
"D'ah," said the future Shitennou sadly. "I guess we're moving to this timeline!"
"Well actually," said Jadeite. "I don't think you want to. We kind of messed everything up."
"D'ah, how bad could it be?" they laughed.
Nephrite and Nephrite teleported back to Present Nephrite's Earth house. They went to walk inside, when it was blown up by a nuke.
Beryl continued to try and conduct business as usual. "Where's Nephrite?" she asked finally.
"We'll go hunt him down!" volunteered the Zoisites maliciously.
They teleported to Nephrite's Earth mansion, which was being rummaged by evil robots.
"How'd that happen?" they wondered.
"Hey Zoisite, do you see that up in the sky?" asked Zoisite.
"Yeah, and it's getting bigger," mused Other Zoisite.
The Zoisites were blown up by a nuke.
The Kunzites went to go investigate after neither Zoisite returned home.
By that point, the place where Nephrite's house had been was no longer recognizable.
"We have to be on guard," warned Kunzite.
"Why?" scoffed Kunzite. "I ain't scared."
Kunzite and Kunzite were hit by a nuke. Miraculously, they survived.
"That was a close one," said Kunzite.
Just then, they were hit by another nuke and all that remained was a pile of ashes.
"Jadeites!" yelled Beryl. "Go investigate!"
"No!" cried Jadeites. "It's scary out there!"
They both made a break for it but Beryl put them in eternal sleeps.
"D'ah" said Future Jadeite as he was frozen. "This still beats Crystal Tokyo any day!"
"Hmm, well at least I survived for once!" laughed Beryl.
There was a knock on the door.
Grandpa walked inside.
"Grandpa…?" she asked confused.
Grandpa ripped off his disguise, revealing he had been a nuclear bomb all along.
He threw himself at Beryl and she was no more.
FIN
