"Queen Beryl!" yelled Jadeite. "I found a new source of energy!"

"Quiet Jadeite, I'm playing online pokemon!" howled Beryl in response.

"HA!" gawked Jadeite. "That's ridiculous! Pokemon is for babies!"

"Jadeite, do you want an eternal sleep?" asked Beryl.

"Watcha gonna do, put me in a Pokeball?" laughed Jadeite.

"Jadeite, I'm warning you!"

"Alright!" scoffed Jadeite.

"Don't say I didn't warn you!"

"Ha, baby," Jadeite giggled as he left.


Jadeite hopped onto his online Pokemon server. "Alright, another day of wrecking noobs," he said.

He took out his best Pokemon team and joined a battle.

"Ratatas, I choose you!" howled Jadeite out loud. Jadeite's team consisted of six shiny level 100 Ratatas. "eZZZZZ!" he yelled.

He connected to his first victim.

His opponent threw out a Mega Raquaza, a powerful legendary Pokemon.

"HA! Typical legendaries," laughed Jadeite. "Obviously a sign of a player with no skill!"

Jadeite used Explosion, which killed his first Ratata, but also took out the other Pokemon.

"HAHA!" he typed into chat. His opponent was so mad he did not reply.

Next, the player used a Mega-evolved Charizard.

Jadeite used the same tactic, and since he IV trained his Ratatas to have the maximum amount of speed in the game, they would always attack first.

Soon the other player was defeated, and Jadeite survived with a Ratata with one HP.

"LOLOLOOLOLOLOL!" he typed in the chat. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOB! YOU GOT BEAT BY RATATAS! NICE LEGENDARIES, EZ BOI! NEXT TIME I'LL JUST FACE YOU WITH MAGICARPS! HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAH!"

After 20 minutes, the opponent started typing back.

Jadeite waited.

"That's it, kid," said the guy. "You're getting booted for the rest of the night!"

"HA!" scoffed Jed. "I'm already wearing boots!"

"LOL, stupid kid!" said the other guy. "I meant that I'm going to DDoS you!"

"D-what?" asked Jadeite. "Random letters don't scare me!"

"In other words, I'm going to disconnect you from the internet and steam your router, kid!" the salty player replied.

Jadeite laughed it off. "Yeah right! There's no way you could gather my info from these servers, they're very secure! Unlike Skype!"

"Oh yeah? Well I already have your IP adress!" the guy typed back.

"More random letters," scoffed Jed. "Man, you must be really mad if you can't even type coherently!"

"If I didn't have your info, then how would I know you live on the US East Coast?" the guy replied.

"HAHAHAHHAHAAH YOU KNOW NOTHING!" yelled Jed out loud, and then he typed it. "I'll have you know I actually live in the North Pole! You were wrong!"

"Sure kid," said the guy. He went on Google and looked up all residents of the North Pole. "Now I've got him," he thought to himself. There were only three residents of the North Pole. He looked up the North Pole's most common cable company.

"I knew that, I was just testing you," replied the player. "I also know that you have Time Warner cable!"

"HAHAAHHAHAHAAHHAHHA!" laughed Jadeite again. "No, I have Verizon! Imbecile!"

The hacker took out his notepad and wrote down the info he had gathered so far. "I see. This proves I have your IP address."

"No it doesn't," said Jadeite. "Just a bunch of lucky coincidences!"

"Oh yeah? I'll prove it! It starts with a 70!" typed the guy.

"LOLNO!" laughed Jed. "It actually starts with a 64! And then it's followed by 25.209.345!"

"Damn, I guess I lost," said the Pokemon player. "But I'm still going to boot you!"

"Good luck with that!" typed Jadeite.

The message did not go through.

"Huh?" asked Jadeite in confusion. "What's going on?"

He refreshed the page, but it did not load.

"Just a lucky coincidence," scoffed Jadeite. "The North Pole wifi is never reliable. I'll just go restart the router."

He walked over to where his router used to be, but all he saw was a pile of ashes.

"Uh oh," said Jadeite. "My router malfunctioned. But I'm positive that it's not because that kid fried it, since he couldn't have gotten my IP!"

Jadeite continued to refresh the page until nighttime.

"Dammit!" cried Jadeite. "I wanted to get on to tell that kid he failed at knocking out my wifi!"

Suddenly, the page loaded. Jadeite gasped.

He got a message from that Pokemon guy. All it said was "LOL"

Jadeite gasped again. He typed out a three paragraph essay about how the kid had failed, when his wifi went out again.

"NOOOOOOOO!" he cried. He continued to refresh the page all night and through the early hours of the morning.

Nephrite entered the Nega-computer lab, to find Jadeite laying across a desk, sobbing.

"Hey there, bud," said Nephrite gently. "What's the matter?"

"Some mad kid on the internet fried my wifi box!"

"But how did he get our IP?" asked Nephrite in confusion. "Did you Skype him? I heard Skype is very unreliable."

"No," said Jadeite. "He got it through the online Pokemon servers somehow."

"That's odd," said Nephrite. "Usually those things are protected!"

"I know!" replied Jadeite. "That's why I called his bluff!"

"Uh oh," said Nephrite. "How much information did you tell him?"

"No, he got all the information wrong!" insisted Jed. "I only told him the right stuff!"

Nephrite face-palmed. "Oh boy, did you get easily manipulated by a 10 year old again?"

"Can it," said Jed. He threw a wild punch, but fell asleep halfway through the punch.

"Hey!" said Zoisite, entering the computer lab. "I can't connect to my Instagram! What did you do, Jadeite?"

"He's asleep," said Nephrite. "I think he stayed up all night refreshing a page."

"But why is the internet down?" asked Zoisite. "Did some 10 year old trick Jadeite into giving all his personal information again?"

"That appears to be the case."

"Oh no!" cried Zoisite. "But there was a new episode of Homo Game Club on tonight! And I need to stream it illegally!"

"But Zoisite, we have that channel!" reminded Nephrite. "Why don't you just record it?"

"What's the fun in that?" asked Zoisite. "Let's just buy a new router. That will give us a new IP adress and everything."

"Sounds like a plan," agreed Nephrite. "But I have no money."

"Me neither," said Zoisite.


"Kunzite me boy!" said Zoisite. "Wake up!"

"Ugh... It's 5 AM, what do you want?"

"Money," said Zoisite plainly.

"Why?"

"Jadeite broke the wi-fi router and my show comes on in 15 minutes!" Zoisite explained.

"Oh boy, there's a new episode of Homo Game Club?" asked Kunzite. "Set it on record!"

"No!" said Zoisite. "We have to stream it illegally!"

"Shit!" cried Kunzite. "Here, take all my money! Now let me sleep some more, come back in three hours."

"Got it!" said Zoisite.

They warped to the Verizon store, but it wasn't open yet.

"HEY!" yelled Zoisite banging on the door. "I SEE YOU IN THERE! OPEN UP THIS INSTANT!"

Jadeite appeared beside them. "Wait guys, I got an idea! Let's change our cable company. They already know we have Verizon!"

"Dammit Jadeite," said Zoisite. "Why did you tell them our cable company?"

"Because he thought I had Time Warner, and I wanted to one-up him! And he wouldn't believe me if I just said I didn't have it, I had to be specific."

Zoisite went to slug Jadeite, but controlled himself.

"I guess let's go get Time Warner Cable then. Because he'll never expect it," decided Zoisite.

They went to Time Warner Cable and bought a two year plan despite their current plan only being a few months in and impossible to cancel.

They brought the router home and plugged it in. But upon contact with the wall, the wifi box instantly disintegrated.

"WA!" howled the three Shitennou.

"Alright, that's it!" decided Nephrite. "Let's go teach this joker a lesson."

"But how are we going to find him?" asked Zoisite.

"Leave it to me!" said Jadeite confidently. "I'll use his same tricks to get his info, the same way he bamboozled me!"


20 minutes later, Jadeite returned.

"He took my credit card. I don't know how it happened. I'm now in debt for 2 trillion dollars."

Nephrite and Zoisite face-palmed. They went to a local library because their wifi was out and went on Jadeite's to check his recent purchases.

"Whoever he is," began Zoisite, "He spent 2 trillion dollars on Sailor Moon action figures. Even though he could have bought them in mint condition for a cheaper, he felt the need to buy them in their packages for double the price."

"That fiend!" cried Jadeite.

"Wait," said Nephrite. "Look, there's a shipping adress!"

"WE GOT YOU NOW!" howled Jadeite.

"Quick Zoisite," said Nephrite. "Go on his TV screen and spook him!"

"Why can't you do it?" said Zoisite.

"Isn't that your special power?" asked Nephrite.

"Oh, but... can't everyone do that?"

Nephrite shook his head

"I have a special power :D?" Zoisite gasped in shock.

He appeared on the guy's TV screen.

"Hello, internet scammer!" he began. But no one was in the room.

"HEY!" he yelled. "Who lives here?! Come to your living room at once!"

Nobody came.

"Looks like we're out of luck," said Zoisite, warping back.

"We can just teleport to his house," suggested Jed.

"Good idea," realized Nephrite. "We better get Kunzite though."

"No!" cried Zoisite. "He said don't come back for three hours! I would never betray him like this, it's only been two hours!"

"Well maybe you wouldn't, but we need back-up!" declared Nephrite.

Nephrite and Jadeite woke Kunzite up.

Kunzite looked at the clock. "It's only been two hours," he stated.

"I know," said Nephrite. "But we need your help in battling an unknown internet troll."

"Aren't you guys Queen Beryl's most elite force?" asked Kunzite.

"Queen Beryl's a joke," said Nephrite. "And we're a joke."

"Fair enough," said Kunzite. "Let's go."


They appeared in the house, and saw a light at the end of the hall.

The marched into the foe's bedroom, and he spun around on his spinning computer chair.

"I've been waiting for you," said Tuxedo Melvin.

"MELVIN!" they howled.

"I have a bone to pick with you!" shouted Jadeite. "You stole my credit card! And fried two computer routers in a row!"

"Lelelelelelelele," laughed Melvin. "That will teach you for using cheap tactics in online Pokemon!"

"DIE!" shouted Jadeite. He charged, but Melvin side-stepped, and Jadeite collided with the wall.

"Jadeite," sighed the other three Shitennou, shaking their heads.

Tuxedo Melvin pulled out his secret weapon, the squeaky hammer of death.

"Oh no!" cried Zoisite. "It's Tuxedo Mask! How did he know we would be here?!"

Zoisite ran for cover.

"That was kind of delayed," stated Nephrite. He pulled out a star and tossed it at Melvin like a grenade.

Melvin leapt out the window, dodging the blast.

He fell down from the three story drop, but luckily he fell in a pile of leaves.

Nephrite and Kunzite teleported outside.

"No more playing around," said Nephrite. He summoned the twin blades of fury, and charged Melvin. He let out a battle cry, ready to finish him off.

But Melvin through a wild shrimp, and it went straight down Nephrite's gullet. He started to choke. "Not again!" he cried.

"Here, let me help you!" said Melvin.

"Ha," smirked Nephrite. "He's going to fall for the same trick again!"

Melvin ran up and kneed Nephrite in the face.

"Oh no! He didn't fall for it! Also I'm still choking!"

Jadeite leapt out of the window with his fists of fury, but he wasn't as lucky and landed two feet from the pile of a leaves on a pile of bricks.

"UrHHHHHHHHGHHH!" he yelled.

"You guys are jokes," said Kunzite. He punched Nephrite in the stomache and he spit out his shrimp.

"What was that for?!" yelled Nephrite, charging Kunzite.

Kunzite picked him up by the throat and threw him into a tree. "You idiot, don't fight me, I saved you!"

But while he was distracted, Tuxedo Melvin ran up and hit Kunzite square on with his squeaky hammer. Kunzite fell to the ground, and gasped.

"How... how did that do so much damage...?!"

"That's because the Silver Imperial Crystal is within this hammer."

"What?!" yelled Kunzite. "How... how did you get that?!"

"Usagi dropped it while I was chasing her with my cranberry milkshake!" laughed Tuxedo Melvin.

Zoisite sprung out from the ground with a crystal. "I finally have the courage to face you, Tuxedo Mask!" he hollered.

Melvin turned around and smacked Zoisite with the Moon Hammer.

He flew into a nearby boulder and fell to the ground. "That was nothing," he said, standing up weakly.

Kunzite teleported over to him. "Are you okay?"

"Kunzite-sama... Melvin is the Moon Princess!" Zoisite said before passing out.

Kunzite sighed. He was just about to rejoin the battle, but he spotted Melvin pushing down on a lever connected to a red box.

The boulder they were near exploded, sending them flying a few states over, on fire.

Jadeite stood up weakly. "I'm not afraid of you! I'll defeat you the same way I beat you on Pokemon!"

"You're going to self-destruct?" asked Melvin.

"No, I'm going to beat you with my pure skill and non-cheap tactics!"

Jadeite charged. He used Iron Tail and caught Melvin off guard.

Melvin stumbled back. "You're strong, but I'm stronger!"

Melvin was about to charge up when Kunzite and Zoisite reappeared from 3 states over and closed in on him. Nephrite was by their side too.

"It's over, Melvin," said Kunzite. "You're outnumbered."

"I may be outnumbered," said Tuxedo Melvin slowly, placing a hand on his mask. "But you don't know what you're up against! It's time to take off my mask and reveal my true identity!"

"Ha!" laughed Nephrite. "You do realize we can all tell you're Melvin, right?"

"What are you talking about?" asked Zoisite in confusion. "Have you discovered Tuxedo Mask's real name?"

"I'll explain in the car ride home," said Kunzite. "The point is, Melvin's costume is a joke!"

"That's what you think," said Tuxedo Melvin.

He took his mask off, revealing his face.

"GRANDPA?!" the Shitennou gasped.

They all scattered in different directions.

"NO NO NO NO NO!" cried Jadeite dashing as fast as his legs could take him.

Grandpa vanished, but he was actually just moving faster than the human eye could see him. He took each Shitennou out with a powerful punch in less than one second.

They layed on the ground in a pile.

Grandpa charged up the Moon Wand.

"Time to finish you-"

"Jadeite!" howled Beryl. "Why is the wi-fi out?!"

Grandpa spun around. "Beryl me boy!" he said tauntingly.

"Grandpa!" yelled Beryl, narrowing her eyes. "Why is he here?" she asked the Shitennou.

"Well," began Jadeite. "It all started when I beat him in Pokemon online..."

"Hey!" exclaimed Beryl. "You said that was for babies!"

"Well I just tried it once!" lied Jadeite. "But if you want to battle sometime..."

"That's enough," said Beryl. "Is this old man responsible for the internet being out?"

The Shitennou nodded.

"Well, then we all know what must happen."

There was no movement for a second, but then Beryl charged like a wildman with no plan.

She threw a crystal with the strength of a thousand suns, but Grandpa caught it and threw it back at 100x fold.

Beryl was no more before the crystal even hit.

"Now, give me what I want or I will obliterate the Earth," stated Grandpa.

"Good!" shouted Kunzite. "That's what we wanted!"

"But wait!" said Jadeite. "The Negaverse is on the Earth!"

"No, it's..." Kunzite thought for a moment. "Uh oh," said Kunzite.

"Exactly," said Grandpa. "Now here is my demand. I want Jadeite to trade all of his Ratatas to me, and admit that his tactics are cheap.

"NEEEEEEEEEEEEVEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!" yelled Jadeite. "Never! I would rather die! DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Jadeite surpassed evolution and turned into Mega-evolved Jadeite.

"Quick!" he called. "Tell me what attack to do!"

"Why?" asked Kunzite.

"Because I am a Pokemon now! I need a trainer to tell me my attacks!"

"Um... okay..." said Kunzite. "Use tackle!"

"I can't!" cried Jadeite. "I'm a level 1!"

"What moves do you know?" asked Zoisite.

"Explode," said Jadeite.

Grandpa started to tremble. "No... not again..."

He took to the skies.

"Jadeite!" called Nephrite. "Follow him with Quick Attack and use Explode!"

Jadeite chased after him and jumped on his back.

"No nono nononono NO NO NO NO!" began Grandpa.

"Goodbye Tien!" called Jadeite. He combusted, along with Grandpa.

The Shitennou took their hats off.

"He was a good man," said Nephrite.

"Yep," agreed Zoisite. "Riperoo."

"Hey guys!" called Jadeite as he was falling to the ground. "I'm not dead! I still have one HP! Someone catch me!"

No one caught him. He collided with the ground, losing his last HP and dying.

"He was a good man," said Nephrite.

"Yep," agreed Zoisite. "Riperoo."

FIN